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Some of Life's Reflections
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Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.

I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.

I'm in shape. Round is a shape.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I've always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

Ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but when
you take him in a car he sticks his
head out the window?

Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone
going faster is a maniac?

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day
when she was 60. She's 97 now and we
have no idea where she is.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every
second one. I figure no matter how
long somebody stands there picking the locks; they are always locking
three of them.

One out of every three Americans is suffering from some form of mental
illness. Think of two of your best
friends. If they are OK, then it must be you.

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you've got
a T-shirt with bloodstains all
over it, maybe your laundry isn't your biggest problem.

Ask people why they have deer heads on their walls and they tell you it's
because they're such beautiful
animals. I think my wife is beautiful, but I only have photographs of her
on the wall.

A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said,
"Don't you know a cow was
murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn't know there were any
witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."