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12-08-2006, 05:10 AM
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I found a great article in the NYTImees about your child going off to college -- and it will be in the next post -- but first I am going to tell you about what I have learned.
So how do you give your bipolar child the best possible chance as they start out in life. Having been one and had one, I think I have a bit of perspective on this, even tho mine was "mild"  and my daughter's pretty severe and complicated with severe learning disabilities.  First of all ALWAYS Love and accept them as they are. Second Foster independence and self-reliance on them throughout their lives. Make it appropriate for the ages, but give them self-determination over their own lives. Give them an allowance and teach them to budget. In High School, start a bank account and teach them how to balance bank statements. Tell them you will expect them to pay tuition and housing, and buy books and meals when they leave for college, and that if they run out of money from poor planning and frivilous spending, you will not be there to bail them out. Tell them they have to be ready to be independent and you KNOW they can do it. My parents never gave me the tiniest bit of responsibility for myself, I was allowed no decisions for myself, my father even threw away all the college brochures as they arrived because he knew where he wanted me to go - so I spent most of my adult life thinking that only my classmates had colleges courting them -- that I was too much a loser for them to be interested in. When I was finally given an allowance in high school, it was only enough to buy a fried pie and a milk shake for lunch every day. The fact that I no longer bought meal tickets did not give me access to that money. I had no "disposable income".. And it wasn't really an allowance either. I had to go to my dad's business every evening, after supper, and sweep the offices and clean the bathroom (a nasty one) and everytime a car passed the huge picture window, me in the lighted showroom, I cringed at the thought of being seen by everyone. I eventually stopped the "job" - no fast food lunchtime was worth the humiliation when all the other kids sacked groceries and other regular after-school stuff. When I was in college, late in my Sophomore year, I actually had a friend (I was very shy, painfully shy, and not close to anyone)... and this gal wanted ME to go to Austin with her, for us to find a cheap apartment, get jobs waiting tables for the summer, have fun, save some money. I was so excited. I was twenty. My father told me no -- "If you do that, I will cut you off without another dime for school. You either go to school this summer or come home." I married when I did because I was terrified at the idea that I would graduate from college and suddenly be expected to live alone, get a job, be independent. So I extended my childhood dependence out for dozens of additional years. Because I was terrified of the world. I didn't have a CLUE as to how to be independent, do ANYTHING for myself. Guess what? Not only did my continued fear of being self-sufficient keep me from leaving a bad marriage, but when I finally did, 20 years later, I was still cripplingly dependent and had few skills and was generally incompetent in being an adult. 15 years later, I am finally beginning to learn the things my parents always led me to believe were too much for me to handle. Third Work closely with their teachers and all school support staff, attend all the ARDs, and LEARN what are the appropriate expectations are of your child. Then don't set impossibly high expectations they can never reasonably expect to me. A MAJOR part of my own daughter's problems is that her father, after having decided when she was preschool that she was retarded, commenced during her high school years (even after she was shown to be emotionally disturbed) to JOIN THE MILITARY or GO TO COLLEGE. It wasn't until he took time off from his precious job to attend an ARD in the end of her Junior year of school that he actually ABSORBED and recognized the reality of her situation. Yes, my daughter's "overall IQ average is 100 - her Mechanical Aptitude (Non-Verbal IQ) is as high as 126, but her Verbal IQ has tested from 76 to 90 over the years. She reads and does math at no more than a 5th grade level, and failed the required graduation proficiency test in our state. One of those diplomas which doesn't really mean anything except that she stuck it out because she loved going to school and being around her friends - to this day she deeply misses school. She knows it was the best time of her life. Emotionally disturbed people never make it out of Basic Training, and often end up in the military psych ward with their first traumatic psychotic episode. I know, I've nursed there. And if you have a diagnosis of bipolar or a Cluster B PD, they don't want you to begin with. Those are reasons for discharge whenever they are discovered. And with my daughter's IQ and learning disabilities, there ARE some Junior College training programs she COULD have tackled and done very well at --- like automotive mechanics, cabinetry making (she was terrific in her shop class in high school) and many trades where she could have a lot of independence, work pretty much alone and have a GOOD income. But because of all the false grandiose notions her father pumped her full of, she is "too good" for plebian jobs like that. No, she is going to become a doctor, a politician, a restaurant manager, a store manager. and what kind of jobs does she get? Usually food service, busing tables, greeting guests, and in the past doing kitchen prep. She is does not have the skills to be a waitress where you can take and write orders up. She also can't handle the emotional stress of dealing with customers. Sometimes she has had jobs working for vets or at stables, and has made her bosses happy generally -- but if she starts having stress from co-workers, things rapidly fall apart and she quits before she BLOWS UP in a rage at them... (she threatened to kill a coworker many years ago and they called the cops and she was escorted off the property).... so she quits now, before she can lose her cool .. or before she can get fired, giving no notice, just walking out. So have appropriate expectations of your children and show that you think those jobs are important and honorable.... and that you would be so proud of them to do whatever jobs they will be capable of. Fourth USE the public school system to carefully screen, test and assess your child every step of the way, everytime you can get them to help. If you can't, contact your State's Rehab Division and see what help they can extend you. MANY bipolar children also have various learning disabilities and/or conduct disorders and/or obsessive-compulsive behaviors, and these all open up entries into tax supported public school help. Why is this so important? Because when he or she goes to college, if it is a State-Supported college, the state MUST provide whatever necessary accommodations your child has been found to need - be it a tutor, a note-taker, special test-taking accommodations - you name it. I have a nephew who is attending a state-supported university because he has the necessary accomodations to help him -- a young man with Aspergers and some learning disabilities. He plans a career in the computer technology end of the entertainment industry. FIFTH Teach your children to have good positive feelings toward their necessary medications. If you spend their entire childhoods having them exposed to therapists or relatives or such who want them off the meds, if you worry that they should have "drug holidays" on weekends and whenever school is out, and if you spend their lives searching for "other options"..... and ESPECIALLY if you let them think that taking medication is TOTALLY up to THEM and what THEY want to do or not do -- if you ABDICATE YOUR RESPONSIBILITY as an adult, as their parent .... ..... Then you are much more likely to end up with a child who does NOT take their medications as an adult because they "don't want to be on drugs that mess with my mind" or that "control me" at the same time they smoke dope, pop party pills, drink and smoke cigarettes - and worse, all in an effort driven to self medicate. Children who take their appropriate and needed meds do not turn into drug abusers --- THEY are the ones who stay straight because they don't need to "self medicate" because they doctor prescribed ones already are doing to their brains and emotions what is necessary for them to function. Because my husband broke all these rules with our younger bipolar, learning disabled daughter, she has never, in the more than ten years she has been diagnsosed, has ever been on meds for more than a few weeks at a time and has had ZERO drugs in well over 4 or more years now. And is sicker, more mentally ill, than ever before. NEXT will be the article that spurred this post.... I hope all of you get a great deal out of it Teri Last edited by OneMoreTime; 12-10-2006 at 02:08 AM. Reason: adding bit to end of "Second" |
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