From The Times
October 15, 2009

Until her sickness do us part: why men leave ill partners
Men are seven times more likely than women to leave a seriously ill partner, a study has found. So why are males less able to cope?

Peta Bee
Cancer was, says Lesley Forrester, far easier to deal with than her husband’s reaction to her diagnosis. “We had been together for ten years and I thought he was quite sensitive and caring, but he stunned me by becoming totally repelled by my body once I told him,” says the 41-year-old from Bedfordshire.

“It was as if he thought he’d catch something if he came near me. He couldn’t understand why I was so upset at either the illness or at his behaviour. He cooled so much towards me that our relationship became silent and lonely. Six months after I first found the lump he ran back into the arms of an ex-girlfriend and I have barely seen him since. He broke my heart.”

Abandonment would have been difficult at any time, Forrester says, but in her time of greatest need it dealt the harshest of blows. Yet was her husband’s behaviour as uncommon as might be supposed?

According to the Office for National Statistics
http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/lif...=1151003209000

Hi Tena

(first of all, happy nearly your Birthday!!!!)

Second, I'm not surprised about husbands deserting wives who become seriously ill. Look at John Edwards!

I saw a neat program one, I think with Bill Moyer, which said that ppl who talked to women (about their illness) tended to get better; while ppl who talked to men about their illness stayed the same or got worse...

(((((((((Tena)))))))))))

When men get sick, the role their wives take is a familiar one of caretaker. Women do it for their children and repeating it for their husbands is not so different. When women get sick men lose control of the situation. Most are not trained in nurturing by their mothers like women (often) have been. Their wives become a new kind of responsibility, and one they have little preparation for. Too often men are unable to express feelings which can lead to resentment and guilt.

I think sometimes women don't allow men to take care of them when they may want to, for fear of changing the sexual dynamic in the relationship. It can be easier to be alone than to be suffocated by hovering caretakers.

The statistics may make men look bad but it isn't a simple issue, it is as complex as the relationship between men and women, which can be mind-boggeling. Ive been married for over 40 years and had PD for almost ten and while my husband is terrific, i can't say that there have not been changes in our relationship. I also can't say he is always or even usually responsible for those changes. Illness changes everyone it touches, sometimes for the good sometimes not, but there is enough blame to go around.