I have been living with a beast which has been eating away at my being for so many years that now i can no longer look within my soul and recognize what my purpose is. the garbled banter of yesterday makes no sense to me now as it did when first spoken. all i am hearing are bits and pieces of what my vocabulary consisted of, and it is full of ****.

for twenty six years i have lived with the diagnosis of one or another doctors opinion of some type of movement disorder containing the word 'parkinsonism". I studied pd, i researchered it, had an online site offering support for pders. i spoke at functions, wrote poetry of its pain. i knew pd up and down, through and through, and still held strong to my survival technique of denying it. "I" was different. "I" was atypical and being rebellious by nature, i used the ambiguity of what was being said about my particular movement disorder to my advantage and claimed that they all were wrong. i did this even though i felt it daily.

the beast i know of as pride began to build the hollow bricks of a foundation for me to sit upon and ate anything that was contrary. my relationships suffered as family and friends tried to yell at me from the sidelines to accept their help. i turned a deaf ear to their pleas and finally, after watching me too often get hurt as i scoffed at their offers, they turned and walked away as my pride for what i thought i was devoured their common sense and love and desire to care.

even when the fragile tower i sat in began to tumble i did not see the hands that were woven together creating a web to catch me and save my fall. what i saw were claws and fists pounding into the tiny amount of foundation i had left and lay blame on them for my demise. the beast had nearly won. until i found acceptance. an acceptance which took 26 years to find. i had to quit feeding the beast in order to find it. thank God there was still a small amount of my platform left.

now, i accept it. i have pd. i accept the stark truth and will no longer run from it. i have no strength in me left to do so and though i may be young in years, i am not young in pd. and there are many painful things that must change. i look at my family and utter the words, "yes, i need your help now." and i apologize to them. i look at my mother with only a few months left in her own life after a nearly 3 year battle with cancer. and i say to her.. "i will be ok mom. i will get help. and the reward of her smile is indeed worth it.

i will continue to reconstruct my life. the beast has had enough. i gave it too much and know the consequences of this. i need to be on the bright side of reality where i will see each puzzle piece as i fit it into my life. it is too dark living in denial. my friends and family do not know that path and cannot help me there either. and i do need their help. and though the morning of each day is different, God will guide us as together, for it is His light after all.

Love, always. Will keep in touch.

Peace be with you,
Vicky

Thank you for sharing.
Imad

With The Divine Help we all require by Grace from above, you too can rise again. LOVE has no limits and knows no bounds and HE is LOVE !!!

Thank you for sharing this beautiful journey of learning to recieve love.