I checked sooo many times to see if bt was back up. Tonite yes. Well, I came here as here are the people I missed. Better is where my friends are.
I never posted much as I'm a sinement addict and perhaps have PD.
This is a sorry place to find oneself. I write about myself but seldomly as my personality is so unstable. Oh sinemet.

The days when I can stay beneath the storm are of my dreams. I've gone against all good advice, I've paid a very heavy price. Though I think with lots of time a lot will be reversable, I have little reason to believe it so.

In the past two weeks, a three year battle to continue functioning 6-8 hours a day with drugs, has intensified to the point of becoming dangerous. I have a hard time protecting myself. I'm safest on the ground be it gravel, dirt, concrete, almost never carpeted.

My world, my life, what I enjoy doing, where I'm sought out, where I learn and teach, where I make a difference, is being foreclosed on.

I have asked for help and hundreds of people have come to me, encouraged me, spoken for me, and kept me going. But now, my mind and body have lost the battle. The constant stress and uncontrolled addiction I depend on have left me unpredictable and out of control.

Tomorrow at 9AM I should be on top of it and convince a new investor to back a new banker, and wire $152,000 accross the country before 9:30AM. I mean new as in I met both of them on the phone in less than 5 minutes. LOL. That's what you say on this forum right? LOL.

This will be short. I just spent 5 hours on the ground and floor. 1 hour getting used to a chair. 30 minutes typing as I loose feeling below the knees, my arms get too heavy to lift my wrist to type, my toes start to curl, and I wait for my Sinemet to start to kick in. 20 minute?

Friends drove me here from there floor to mine. My car is aimed the right direction. I won''t close the 20' long steel fence to keep the deer out. I'll manage to get into my car, no turns, no lights, no stop signs, just closer to a dead end. Drive slow or hit the deer is the rule. If lucky, a light is on. One key and one lock. A long walk and fall into bed.

At 3AM more sinemet and bedtime rituals. At 6AM more Sinemet and stay up to drive accross town, finish some paperwork at 8AM, got to sell my story for money one last time at 9AM.

That 3 years ago this would have been easy is a painful reality. Burried in a mess of legal abuse and discrimination when my determination is at it's highest, partly manic no doubt, the abuse I'm seeing is getting way out of control and well in the area of illegality. I don't even think of fighting it as I now just wonder why some people choose to live there lives abusing others. I know I could win a dozen lowsuits but instead write thankyou letters to all those who send me on my way. "Thank You for taking the time to meet with me. I learned several new things from you and appreciate your having answered all of my questions. Once again I'm reminded of the importance of all of us making the best decissions we can. We never know what lies ahead. You remind me that I should be kinder than necessary, for everyone is fighting some kind of battle.

Oh goodie! My toes are starting to tingle and move and curl and I can't stop them. If I leave RIGHT NOW I will shuffle the last 30 feet and fall onto my bed.

I have a few people who will nurse me as these are my last days. I have no choice as I can go no further with this. I'm not giving up, I'm simple putting myself in the hands of and at the mercy of those who know what I have done and now share my dream. The best is yet to come. I have found meaning and hope where there was none. I am, for a time, a light in the darkness. I have something that cannot be taken away.

First Post? I think?

and a very interesting one too. sounds like you know a bit about what is really impt -how is it that you are not diagnosed?

sinemet is a friend and an enemy. is it time to retiire? PD doesn't take age into consideration.

hope u get some sleep,
paula

i haven't tried this but reportedly it 'works' better than sinemet , w/out the side effects...it derives from mucuna which has a naturally high l-dopa content. i take mucuna and am thinking of trying this instead. reportedly takes 3 weeks to arrive after order. from india.

http://mall.coimbatore.com/bnh/zandu/zandopa.htm

if I were you, I'd find a good movement disorder specialist and a good neuro-pyschiatrist. The line is blurry between organic and emotional issues. You sound like you are totally stressed out. Can you take a week or two off and go somewhere relaxing??

just my .02 cents worth....

Charlie

shcg:

I want to second Chasmo's opinion re: psychiatrists. Depression caused by Parkinson's is an organic part of Parkinson's. It isn't so much that having Parkinson's is a depressive event, as it is a brain chemistry problem that results from inadequate dopamine supplies.

Going to see a shrink t'ain't nothin' to be 'shamed of. I have been doing it for some time, even before the PD diagnosis 2-1/2 years ago. Though it took a while, the meds got me back on top despite the PD, and I'm staying there with just occasional tweaks to the meds. Do it - the consequences of not doing it are too severe.

How did you become "addicted" to sinemet if you "perhaps have PD"?

For eight months I thought I had the Retail part of my business sold and all I needed was a closing. The buyer walked out September 14th leaving me in the worst financial shape ever. My house and everything is for sale as the last three years I've kept going with PD trying to reduce or end the demands of 25 years in business. Without a buyer, the banks went straight into foreclosure. I had until noon yesterday to pay of my principal loan. Banks had no confidence in my ability to survive due to my PD. At 11:30 AM I found a privite invester. I was so tired I slept from noon until an hour ago. It's a long story, but now all I have to due is get financially solvent and get back to reducing responsabilitiy and stress. All of this at great cost as I have had to push my drug usage against all advise and common sense.

I have a new plan for my business. Still the remnants of one of the best plant nurseries in the South, I want to start a foundation and dedicate what time and energy I have left to fundraising for people in need, teaching and sharing what I've learned, and finding someone else to own or manage the nursery.

I feel like I'm on a new planet today. I'm commited to reducing medication and demands on my time. I've much help and very lucky to have much support. Still, every day is going to take some kind of miracle to survive. I wanted to post some kind of closure to my first post. I'm sure I have some form of advanced PD but as many of you know, PD becomes a life of managing drugs and minimizing side effects.

I could write a book here but need to assess the situation and put a new plan in place. In a way, I'm in better shape and better prepared than I was a few years ago. At least now I know what I'm up against. Every day is an unsuspected gift. I have little fear and feel little pain as I've accepted my fate and am have become a new person.

This forum is a place to find and share the will to keep going. Never give up.