[shcg]

I checked sooo many times to see if bt was back up. Tonite yes. Well, I came here as here are the people I missed. Better is where my friends are.
I never posted much as I'm a sinement addict and perhaps have PD.
This is a sorry place to find oneself. I write about myself but seldomly as my personality is so unstable. Oh sinemet.

The days when I can stay beneath the storm are of my dreams. I've gone against all good advice, I've paid a very heavy price. Though I think with lots of time a lot will be reversable, I have little reason to believe it so.

In the past two weeks, a three year battle to continue functioning 6-8 hours a day with drugs, has intensified to the point of becoming dangerous. I have a hard time protecting myself. I'm safest on the ground be it gravel, dirt, concrete, almost never carpeted.

My world, my life, what I enjoy doing, where I'm sought out, where I learn and teach, where I make a difference, is being foreclosed on.

I have asked for help and hundreds of people have come to me, encouraged me, spoken for me, and kept me going. But now, my mind and body have lost the battle. The constant stress and uncontrolled addiction I depend on have left me unpredictable and out of control.

Tomorrow at 9AM I should be on top of it and convince a new investor to back a new banker, and wire $152,000 accross the country before 9:30AM. I mean new as in I met both of them on the phone in less than 5 minutes. LOL. That's what you say on this forum right? LOL.

This will be short. I just spent 5 hours on the ground and floor. 1 hour getting used to a chair. 30 minutes typing as I loose feeling below the knees, my arms get too heavy to lift my wrist to type, my toes start to curl, and I wait for my Sinemet to start to kick in. 20 minute?

Friends drove me here from there floor to mine. My car is aimed the right direction. I won''t close the 20' long steel fence to keep the deer out. I'll manage to get into my car, no turns, no lights, no stop signs, just closer to a dead end. Drive slow or hit the deer is the rule. If lucky, a light is on. One key and one lock. A long walk and fall into bed.

At 3AM more sinemet and bedtime rituals. At 6AM more Sinemet and stay up to drive accross town, finish some paperwork at 8AM, got to sell my story for money one last time at 9AM.

That 3 years ago this would have been easy is a painful reality. Burried in a mess of legal abuse and discrimination when my determination is at it's highest, partly manic no doubt, the abuse I'm seeing is getting way out of control and well in the area of illegality. I don't even think of fighting it as I now just wonder why some people choose to live there lives abusing others. I know I could win a dozen lowsuits but instead write thankyou letters to all those who send me on my way. "Thank You for taking the time to meet with me. I learned several new things from you and appreciate your having answered all of my questions. Once again I'm reminded of the importance of all of us making the best decissions we can. We never know what lies ahead. You remind me that I should be kinder than necessary, for everyone is fighting some kind of battle.

Oh goodie! My toes are starting to tingle and move and curl and I can't stop them. If I leave RIGHT NOW I will shuffle the last 30 feet and fall onto my bed.

I have a few people who will nurse me as these are my last days. I have no choice as I can go no further with this. I'm not giving up, I'm simple putting myself in the hands of and at the mercy of those who know what I have done and now share my dream. The best is yet to come. I have found meaning and hope where there was none. I am, for a time, a light in the darkness. I have something that cannot be taken away.