Women are known to cry easily. I would be expected to cry now and then even if I didn't have PD. Men are supposed to take it on the chin. PD hurts my pride, but only from vanity, it does not alter my self image.

Whether you know it or not, you are a good writer and that is not to be sneezed at. Speak for those who are not. And if you must go then don't do it in silence.

Mods, is it possible to add individual blogging capabilities to vBulletin? Just wondering.

CS ol'buddy..Im really sorry to hear about what you have been going through..I often think about what you and so many others have had to endure, and continue to endure, and it saddens me

Pd changes our lives as we knew them..No two ways about it..Emotionally the worst for me was the initial dx..When the word Parkinsons came out of that Drs mouth, I think time stood still for a while..and when I went to my first support group meeting, I was horrified at peoples disabilities..All I could see was nursing homes, walkers, and wheelchairs in my future, and was void of any hope whatsoever..Somewhere along this journey, Ive been able to accept the reallity of my fate, and am at peace with it, in spite of the fact that my life is too forever changed..I dont have a wife to worry about, and will probably never marry again, mainly because of pd..Pd changes the shape of relationships and friendships, some for the better, and others for the worst

Throughout my life God has always watched out for me, even when I thought I was all alone with my problems, and my needs have always been met..Somehow, everything has always worked out one way or another..Not necessarily in the way I would have liked to have had it..But always in His time, and in His way

CS - I can relate to every single word you wrote. Powerful, truthful, and unvarnished. I have no idea what the statistics are, but I'll bet there are many stories like yours - but they remain hidden. It's so much easier to talk about the truth of your life when there are positive things to lean on; it's much more difficult when things are bleak. And sometimes the despair of depression and PD becomes so great that it is impossible to find the positive. Thanks for speaking out.

cs...
man, do i relate. every day and every night. it gets so damn old. pd does take such a huge bite out of our *** on the bad days (scuze me, but derriere doesnt quit seem fitting enough) that there aint much left to sit on when the good days come. its hard on relationships too. not just spouses, but kids, siblings, parents, coworkers, (if still employed) and friends struggle to figure out how to deal with the inconsistacies of the disease. side effects from meds can alter our personalities that are already changing from having to adapt to a roll we dont understand which then gives us anxiety on top of the depression we probably have from the pd! without going into detail about my own personal life, i will just say that it is a good thing i no longer have my 12 gauge or i would either be in jail or dead.

during the difficult moments, do what you did in here. write. journal. it is a release and you let off steam. you do it well, and you can keep record of what you are going through. when you have a good day, read what you wrote and respond to it with positive feedback. find yourself through your ups and downs. it makes life a little easier to take during the hard times when you know that there are also better times.

We Parkies give our disease too much power over us I;m thinking.
Its easy to feel sorry for yourself. Its easy to alienate our partner.
Chuck, if it were not for my DBS, I think I would be in worse shape than you, but I have a loving supportive wife, who takes good care of me, too good sometimes me thinks!!!
Some times we have to do things that we don;t want to do, just to be fair to the rest of the family.
My kids are proud and very protective of me, thanks to their mother, who explains things to them.
It's easy to "write yourself off" as a parent and as a mate. It's easy to assign blame. This is a futile exercise. You can do more than you think. You owe it to yourself as well as your family to do everything you can to be part of the "team". At the very least be a good coach and an awesome cheerleader.


Charlie

We spend a lot of time on this forum trying to cheer everybody up, to put a positive spin on things, to be hopeful, to find everyday joy.

It works for me - to a point. There are times when the despair is too great to think my way out of. I never communicate with anyone during those times; why burden others? (I should)

cs' post came from that place. It is a place that needs to be acknowledged - I'm not sure advice to buck up is especially helpful. I am so grateful he put words to the pain he feels - that takes more courage than saying nothing at all.

I feel the pressure here to be positive; it generally is a good thing. But people in despair need someone to listen and understand. Just your indication of support shows there is light at the end of the tunnel. In the end, we mostly survive - doesn't mean we don't hit rock bottom more than once.

Sorry if I'm psycho-analyzing you out of line, cs - I'm actually projecting myself into your situation (of which I am all too familiar). I have no doubt that you understand you should be "positive" - but sometimes you find it impossible, and give into the sad reality. It's hard to "rise above" all of the time; sharing the bad times is just as valid as sharing the good.

My gosh, cs,

I really appreciate your candid description of all that Pd takes from us. I don't think I ever heard it put that way, and it was scary too, because I try not to think about it, so I don't get too down. On the bad days though, boy, I can really get so low. I too have some family members who can be unkind, and really have no understanding of what it feels like to have this illness. who knows what's going to happen next, how long will you be able to walk, or hold anything or even think straight, or support yourself, or be able really, to do anything at all that makes any difference to anyone. There is so much fear. What I'm trying to say, i think, Is that I can relate,& applaud your very honest sharing, and wish I had some special words to comfort you. FG

Hear Hear Carey,

I don't know cs personally, but I can also relate. It is a good thing that he has expressed himself as he has. He probably needed badly to express all these feelings that he has held in for a long time.

I can speak about depression in my life because I feel it is am important subject, something most don't want to discuss or acknowledge. Major Depression is a very difficult place to be. I call it my deep dark abyss. So dark at times that it is hard to see the light even if it may be shining very brightly down upon you. It is also a place where when you can find you way to the surface, you may be hanging my your finger tips for a good while before you can haul yourself out of the pit and into life again. But it is possible to haul yourself out...but it is also very hard work to do so.

It is even harder when you have no one who will provide you a physical, albeit a listening-ear, helping hand.

I have visited that place so many times in the past 45 years or so. I know I have shared this before, but I will share it yet again. Prior to my recent clinical trial surgery, I had spent each and every year since 1994 living with PD alone...emotionally and physically...with the exception of my PWP friends, all of whom are members of this forum. And, they will all tell you that I am not a complainer, although it would probably have been a good thing for me to do from time to time.

My sisters, regardless of how many times I have asked them, did not care to read or listen to my attempts to discuss PD, my daughters didn't ignore it, but I appears so healthy...good meds...for so long that it was easy to ignore the PD. It wasn't until I passed out in the bathroom at Pennsylvania Hospital and went back to ICU the day after surgery that they both had a wake up call, and quickly came to my rescue as advocates, especially my oldest daughter. The irony of this is that my eldest daughter, whom I live closest to, has already asked me if I was going to go back to school and then back to work. SAY WHAT!!!

Prior to my surgery I was in horrible despair and depression at the prospects that I would literally have to go into surgery alone with no one in the waiting room. But, my son in laws mom, my co-grandmother and next door neighbor, just couldn't deal with the fact that no one would take the time out of their busy lives to go, so she ended up being my waiting room person. She came to me in tears on Friday prior to tell me she couldn't allow me to go alone. She and I cried together. She is 74 years old, uses a rolling walker with a seat attached to it and is not in good health, but damned if she didn't manage to ride the train with me, and stay an extra four days while I was in the rehab unit.

Oh yes, and it isn't as though my oldest daughter didn't understand the magnitude of the surgery, since she was the one that went with me to review the 22-page Informed Consent document.

After my collapse that day, my mother called me daily, but I never heard a word from my sisters until I asked my mother if my sisters even knew. Of course they did, haven't they called you she asked, the very next day my oldest sister called to inquire about me. When I spoke to my oldest sister she asked me...and this is a quote I will never forget..."Do you still have that shaking?" When I hung up the phone I had to laugh about the question.

So ultimately, it is possible to live a satisfactory life with PD, as I and so many of us have done, but it is not easy to live a satisfactory life with depression, especially when you "feel" you have no one to turn too.

I know that some who know me probably consider me a bit "nuts", oh well, I suppose everyone has to have a label of some kind. Although I do have my depressive moments, and only ONE authentic anxiety attack in the past couple of years, say what you want, I am not "nuts."

Sorry to sound so morbid in my reply and to say such not-nice things about my daughter, but the truth is the truth and sometimes it is not pretty. AND depression is a horrible thing...and ugly beast...as ugly as PD is!

to everyone!

Carolyn - I don't know cs personally either (when I said I was "too familiar with his situation" I meant that it resembled much of what I had experienced).

Seems like lately we've all been doing a lot of posting of the positive things we can do to conquer PD - all worthy and welcome. But there is nothing that can be done to banish it altogether, and the ugly parts emerge in different ways for each of us.

PD the disease is individualistic - it physically effects people differently. It also visits its effects upon people who live in very different situations. Being single with PD is different than being in a "functional" marriage, which is different than being in a "dysfunctional" marriage; economics vary widely. Each of our particular situations colors how we deal with PD as much as whether or not we have a tremor.

That's why I can only listen to what CS and Carolyn have to say and reply that their suffering is real, and that they are brave to report it, and that I admire them for their strength. The only advice I have is to keep posting.