I am new to this forum. My husband was diagnosed with Parkinson's Disease several years ago. He is amazing and has seemingly handled this disease head on. I am devastated now because he has decided after 29 years of marriage that he "doesn't love me like he should" and has moved out. I love him dearly, Parkinson's or not. Will this disease cause emotional detachment from loved ones. He says it isn't me, it is him.....which doesn't help at all. I am just as crushed. He said he has felt this way for some time, but never told me or anyone else, and he never sought any help, counseling, or anything. Just planned his departure. We have two beautiful daughters and have created a very nice life together. I am dumbfounded as to why he lost affection for me and wants to "find his happiness" somewhere else. He says he isn't even sure he will.....Why would he throw me away - someone who loves him dearly. I don't get it and I have had zillions of questions since he dropped this bomb! Why, Why Why????????

He is a member of this forum and has a great deal of respect for everyone here, especially you reverett123. I would appreciate any insight you have.

pgirl-

I've had to think about this one awhile. Since I don't know you nor your husband, I can only write in the general sense and hope it helps.

There are only a limited number of explanations. One is that what he says is the truth and that the mother of all midlife crises has forced his hand. If that is so, he has done you a cruel kindness, I fear. It will be far easier for you to rebuild your life than for him.

Another possibility is that he believes what he tells you but that he will find that he was wrong and that he does indeed love you. Regardless of PD or not, many a man has made this mistake to their eternal regret. If this is true then it will be up to you to decide how long to wait and whether to forgive.

Another is that he is a damn fool and thinks to spare you the pain of the years ahead. That's my own style. Be the hero, shoulder the burden, and step into the darkness alone. The problem is that no one is spared anything. The pain is going to be there. Period. Neither of you is going to be spared. You are just going to both suffer alone. It is like an emotional suicide where one thinks that they spare the other but in fact do just the opposite.

This last scenario is the most tragic because of what is lost. Those moments of caring and remembering the other and helping to bear that burden and weeping and laughing and all the rest. You cannot throw away the pain with intent but you can throw away the blessing that comes with it by accident.

I don't know if that helps or not. God bless you both.

I had a friend many years ago who had pancreatic and liver cancer. Her best friend was a nurse with a doctor husband. They did everything possible to allow my friend to remain at home through the course or the disease, right up to the very end. If any of you have ever dealt with this cancer, you know that it is seriously painful and there is an extraordinary amount of suffering before it mercifuly ends. Her husband of 60 years was by her side through the whole thing.

After she died her husband was unable to stay in their home. Within two months he was living in the home of a widow who had been a mutual friend of theirs and within six months they were married.

All this may seem very off point, but the reason I'm relating it is I determined at that time that I did not want to ever put my family through that kind of pain. This was years before dx with Pd. I have been married over 40 years and I still don't really know how I want to be treated by my family. I did not grow up with a strong model for parenting (read nurturing). Fortunately my husband is very nurturing. My children got "stiff upper lip" and good table manners from me. (Not that they are bad things.) Mostly we avoid it as much as possible. It is easier for me and I have to think easier for them as well. I do wonder, sometimes, just how long you can stay in denial.

I have come to know many of the posters online and find that we can talk about the problems and worries of the disease without pity or hovering or sad eyes or well intentioned knee pats. In the middle of a sad story one of us can make a joke and it isn't looked upon as irreverent or lacking the gravity necessary for the topic.

I know that there will come a time when my family and I will have to face the really bad things that will happen, and i probably will have done no more planning for it than I have at this point. Maybe that's ok. Maybe the years we get that are worry free are worth it. I don't know. I guess we must, each of us decide what we need and ask for it. Then if we don't get it, at least we'll know which decisions we have to make.

pgirl -

I don't think there is any real answer for your question. But I am responding with my own experience because I left my marriage of 19 years within 6 months of my diagnosis 10 years ago. My situation is different than yours - I did not stay married for years before deciding to leave; I left because my marriage was not strong and I did not want to face years of decline and disability dependent upon my husband.

Looking back, it was a good decision for me; it was tremendously difficult for my ex (we have become great friends again), and tough for my daughter who was 11 at the time, although we kept her in her home and in her neighborhood schools throughout. We've all survived - and even thrived.

For some reason, I have felt since the beginning that my PD diagnosis was my problem and no others'. I am happy to live alone and not have to deal with the stress of another person, no matter how much I might love him or her. It's a very selfish decision, but I think it makes me healthier. The changes that PD brings to a person's psyche, behavior, outlook, regardless of the physical challenges, are so difficult to deal with personally. I have a hard time living with myself - I don't want to have to explain myself to another.

I'm not sure this helps. It is so personal to me. Maybe it means that whatever is driving your husband's behavior is inexplicable to no one else, maybe just a feeling of survival. My husband was devastated and unable to understand why I would reject his help and love. It was just something I had to do, to make me able to deal with the new life that PD had thrust upon me.

I'm so sorry you are in this position; feeling helpless and out of control is so hard. I hope you can approach him with love even without understanding.

I do love him and I don't understand.....
It is painful to think that a Parkinson's Disease diagnosis is justification for destroying a spouses life - not to mention the children. I get that he is dealing with an insidious disease; I get that he is the one that has to live with the symptoms; I get that his life is forever changed; I get it! What I want him to get is that we are stronger together than we can ever be apart.