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10-05-2008, 12:50 AM | #1 | |||
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Hi Everyone!..My God, how time flies!..The nights and mornings are getting cooler, and the days shorter..I got my first oil bill this week, since my last one in April..It wasnt pretty, but it was less that I thought it would be
Still making preperations to go out west to meet Harley, and go to the Hope Conference..I have a friend that has a kennel so I could board my diabetic cat..$9.00 per day, plus $1.00 per day for shots..I provide the insulin, syringes, and cat food..The animal hospital up the street wanted $40.00 per day..Laura told me that I could bring he with me if I wanted, but I figured maybe it would be better to board her..The price was right..So now I have to get in touch with a buddy of mine who has a limousine service, to arrange a ride to Logan Airport in Boston so I can get a direct flight to Seattle, get the plane tix, and Im outa here!..For someone who is afraid to get on a plane, Im very excited! I had to take my friend who Ive been going out clamming with to detox on Thursday..I had been very instrumental in helping him get sober 15 years ago..He relapsed on pain killers..Last Saturday when I was with him, he was talking with his eyes closed, and I knew something was up..He came over my house Thursday afternoon, and confessed that he had been popping pills since May, and he was as desperate as a dead man walking on execution day..He couldnt sit still..He couldnt stop talking..He couldnt stop worrying about getting a bed at the detox that day..He couldnt stop beating himself up, and saying the same stuff over and over and over again..It was a real eye opener for me..The emotional insanity..I could never put myself through that again, and he sure did help me realize that..So I called the facility, arranged for a bed, got directions for the 45 minute ride to Southern R.I..My friend left to go home and pack a suitcase, and I told him I would meet him at his house as soon as I got my act together..Let me emphasize this:..God works in strange ways his wonders to perform..He writes straight with crooked lines..I got in my truck to head down to my friend's house..I turned on the radio, and this was the song playing on the radio "The animal I have become", by Three Days Grace And the first words I heard were:..."I can't escape this hell" Three Days Grace--Animal I Have Become (One-X) I can't escape this hell So many times I've tried But I'm still caged inside Somebody get me through this nightmare I can't control myself So what if you can see the darkest side of me? No one will ever change this animal I have become Help me believe it's not the real me Somebody help me tame this animal (This animal, this animal) I can't escape myself So many times I've lied But there's still rage inside Somebody get me through this nightmare I can't control myself So what if you can see the darkest side of me? No one will ever change this animal I have become Help me believe it's not the real me Somebody help me tame this animal I have become Help me believe it's not the real me Somebody help me tame this animal Somebody help me through this nightmare I can't control myself Somebody wake me from this nightmare I can't escape this hell (This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal) So what if you can see the darkest side of me? No one will ever change this animal I have become Help me believe it's not the real me Somebody help me tame this animal I have become Help me believe it's not the real me Somebody help me tame this animal (This animal I have become) While I was listening to the lyrics of that song, the hair on the back of my neck mustve stood up..The fact that, that particular song was playing on the radio at that particular moment, was no cooincidence to me..That was a message from up above for me to hear..I havent been able to stop thinking about it, as I know my past, and my friend John's past as well..I remember the hell we went through for years that began in High School, like it was yesterday..And to see an instant replay of it drove home a powerful message for me..The path gets narrower as time passes..Stay the course How was your week? Hard Clams, or Little Neck Clams, or Quahogs as us Rhode Islander's call them Steamer Clams
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There are those who see things as they are and ask..Why?..I dream of things that never were and ask..Why not?..RFK |
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10-05-2008, 10:49 AM | #2 | |||
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you have opened your arms and embraced a hurting soul
the hand you have extended knows the bitter toll of the pain and hardship that your friend cannot see it is his lesson now to learn in humility those of us that suffer must open our eyes to find purpose in offering our vision to others blind the grace we are given has a need to be shared and no person on earth should ever be spared in times of anothers hardships, God definately knows who is the right person needed to intervien and to show the road he walks down has potholes you know very well and the dead end sign at the end is sheer hell. mdear, you have done all that you can do it is he that now needs to think his life through. the pain of withdrawel may or may not end but he will always know the care of a true friend i have lost many to addiction to painkillers. it is one of the hardest things to go through. i woke up this morning with hope in my heart and a smile on my face. something not felt in a long time.... rain is here and it is mushroom hunting season. i found many chantrells, and a big one that look like a brain.. (forgot what its called) cooked it up last night with cooking sherry and fresh rosemary... YUM
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I have a post-encephalitic neurological disorder, but it does NOT have me! |
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10-05-2008, 11:42 AM | #3 | |||
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When I think of hope, the first thing that comes to mind are these clips from The Shawshank Redemption.. The things that we hold in our heart, and in the confines of our mind, that no person..no illness can take from us "Git busy livin'..Or git busy dyin" Red: [narrating] I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand..(hug her)..I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope. Shawshank redemption-Hope Cont... Red Hopes
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There are those who see things as they are and ask..Why?..I dream of things that never were and ask..Why not?..RFK |
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10-05-2008, 02:50 PM | #4 | |||
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I am so sorry to hear about what your friend is going through. I can't imagine what it must be like for him to have been sober for fifteen years and all it took was one bad decision. Now, because of that ONE decision he has to go through the fight of his life all over again. I will keep you both in my prayers. I haven't battled a serious addiction in my life but my dad is a big time alcoholic and my cousins 21 year old son is in rehab as I type this. It is truly heartbreaking. I heard a song this last week that really touched me as well. Here are the lyrics. "Broken" by Lifehouse The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing With a broken heart that's still beating In the pain, there is healing In your name I find meaning So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on I'm barely holdin' on to you The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead I still see your reflection inside of my eyes That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating In the pain (in the pain), is there healing In your name (in your name) I find meaning So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin') I'm barely holdin' on to you I'm hangin' on another day Just to see what you throw my way And I'm hanging on to the words you say You said that I will be OK The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing with a broken heart that's still beating In the pain(In the pain) there is healing In your name I find meaning So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm barely holdin' on to you I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm barely holdin' on to you http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_4Qs0pGjHk When I first heard this song I couldn't help but be moved. Ever since this whole PD thing cropped up I have felt like I am always trying to beat the clock. I previously thought that I had all the time in the world to do the things that I wanted to do...now I have my doubts. As positive as I TRY to be these thoughts still remain in the back of my head. Thoughts like this...Should I really spend four years in nursing school? Will I be able to function well enough to be a nurse in four years or would it be a complete waste of time? Would it be better to just work as a Nursing Assistant as long as I can and just enjoy the time I have with my children while they are still young. I really have missed them a lot since I have been working. I come home at night to a dead quiet house when my boys are both already tucked into bed. I go into their rooms and quietly kiss the tops of each of thier heads and I wish that things were different. I wish that I wasn't always trying to beat the clock. Geez...just when I think that I have accepted all this I wind up feeling like a downer AGAIN! Well, the good news is that I have an interview for a CNA position at a hospital near my house. I would be taking care of people right out of surgery. I think that would be a lot better for me in many ways. I would be taking care of people that have just been given a fresh start...much more optimistic than what I am doing right now. Plus, this job is part-time and I would be home with my kids more. It also offers better pay and better benefits. I feel like God is already lining this up for me...and that is good. My one concern was that I hadn't taken the state certification test yet...and BEHOLD, my test date has just been scheduled for three days after the interview! That should work out perfectly. Well, I better get a move on. Have a great week! |
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10-05-2008, 03:20 PM | #5 | |||
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Pd sure can upset the apple cart..But life does go on as we find acceptance of our situation..Dont allow pd to stop you from dreaming your dreams, and dont lose sight of hope..And remember that, when one door closes, another one opens
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There are those who see things as they are and ask..Why?..I dream of things that never were and ask..Why not?..RFK |
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10-06-2008, 06:29 PM | #6 | |||
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Hi Everyone,
It was nice to see many of you at the conference in Atlanta. That's what I go for ... to see and talk to many of you. I don't care about the sessions, etc. I'm divorced now and living in Pensacola, FL. I guess life will always be hard. |
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10-07-2008, 06:20 AM | #7 | |||
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mary,
life can seem very dark.. but hang in there.. im going through a divorce too, yet i have been blessed in so many ways. people are there to help. you will discover things about who YOU are, and what YOU can do. i believe God gives us time to find ourselves through trials. and, there are decent men out there.. believe me.. i know... . keep strong girl.
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I have a post-encephalitic neurological disorder, but it does NOT have me! |
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10-07-2008, 10:27 AM | #8 | |||
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When you say that life does go on as we find acceptance of our situation, I want to know HOW to really accept it. I reach this point where I think I have accepted it, then something new crops up with me. It sends me into this whirlwind of doubt and uncertainty and frustration with God and with myself. I have always had a very deep faith even as a small child. I have had a lot of things happen in my life that have been difficult to deal with but I have managed to accept them and move forward and just trust God. This time things are different. I am sad and angry...not a good combination. Yesterday a friend that I have been friends with for fifteen+ years called me. We started talking about my faith and I completely broke down. She asked if I had been going to church regularly. I told her that I hadn't been going. I told her about all of my feelings and how I just feel that I don't belong there right now. She said that maybe God was trying to get my attention with all of this health stuff. I told her that I didn't think God worked that way and that if he did, I didn't need that kind of God in my life...followed by an expletive! She asked me if I believed that God could heal me. I told her that I would like to think so, but that there are so many sick and hurting people in the world and people dying of diseases that can't be cured. I question the ability of God to heal because if that were the case...why is there so much suffering and sickness everywhere??? Yeah...I'm a little bitter. She went on to tell me to focus on the positive and that she would be praying for me and that I should keep my eyes open to God working in my life. The spiritual side of me wanted that to be true...to see God working in my life. The negative part of me thought, "Yeah, right...you just don't get it!." Well, yesterday shortly after that conversation I went out with my sister to run some errands. I wasn't planning on going to Costco, but we happened to stop there. Lo and Behold...I ran into my Pastor's wife! I felt so compelled to go and talk to her...so I did. I explained my situation and asked her about a group at church that I had heard about that focuses on people with chronic health conditions. As we were talking my Pastor walked up. Again, I explained my situation. Mainly, I explained the same thing that I wrote up in the first paragraph of this post regarding acceptance. They were both so wonderful and encouraging. At one point I began to cry because I really couldn't believe that God had brought me together with them yesterday. He knew how much I was hurting and how much I needed some reassurance that he is good and capable of miracles. Long story short, we all stood together in the front of Costco and prayed together. They had me write my number down and invited me to come find them at church on Sunday. Um, yeah...I'll be there. God got my attention this time. For those who aren't spiritual...my goal was not to offend you with this post. My goal was to give people who are like me, lacking in their faith because of unfortunate circumstances, a little boost in their faith. With Love, Evonne |
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"Thanks for this!" says: | stevem53 (10-07-2008) |
10-07-2008, 10:29 AM | #9 | |||
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A lot of us are becoming old war horses. This weekly checkin thread has new life....hmmm.
Harley, you poetry is beautiful and sensitive. I hope you and Steve have a great visit, and although It looks like I will have to make the journey alone (I was hoping to bring Max19BC with me, he has other committments) I'm going to do my best to make it to the conference in Seattle. Steve: I am so looking forward to seeing you again. Harley is right...there are still good men out there, and you are one of them. Love you all...J
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10-07-2008, 02:34 PM | #10 | |||
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