...to all of you who offered your condolences on the death of my granddaughter. We all still have a very long journey of grieving ahead of us...most especially my daughter Kim. She is an especially strong person...has had many trial to endure in this life, but she has told me that she has now been given the greatest of trials...a mother losing her child. I pray many times throughout my day that God will be with all of them as they go through their individual grieving process to a plae where they ma one day experience at least a degree of peace within. I, myself, do not believe in the words often spoken, i.e., "time will heal" because I believe that there will always be a hole in their hearts where Lindsay was so entrenched in their hearts. I do believe, however, that with God's presence in their lives, the will come to an understanding of the message, "Life is not ended, it is merely changed"...and I believe that they'll recognize and understand that Lindsay is in a better place...a place where they all hope to be reunited with her.

...and yes, Steve..."The Language of Letting Go" by Melody Beattie...an excellent book that we have here in our own "library". Please excuse me if this message comes through twice. I submitted my original message, but,it didn't seem to "register". I've been having some difficulty logging into the forum...stating that I am only a visitor, yet I've been a member of the forum for well over a year...closer to 2 years. I did log in inputing my name and ID and I was greeted as a member..but, it just may be that my messages will not be recorded. If anyone can help me with this, I'd appreciate it. Cheri did work through this with me several weeks ago...and all seemed to be "in order". Now, I am experiencing the same difficulty so if anyone is able to help me with this, I'd appreciate it...thank you...

Therese

So, Evonne, you're too mad at God to hear what God is trying to tell you. I do that, too, sometimes, about other things and once or twice about PD. There's just no explaining this insidious disorder. It seems like the answer never comes, or at least not completely--it just goes on and on. I'll tell you the best advice I ever got on the frustration. It was soon after diagnosis that I was going on and on, in what I thought was a positive way, about how we'd handle it and how we'd stay on top of things and on and on. My husband put his arms around me and said, "Look, we're not going to solve this thing, we're going to manage it."

The answer eludes us...Have you ever read the Book of Job or a synopsis of it? You may recall that Job never does find out why all the disasters have befallen him. He stands up to his friends and God, insisting that he has done nothing wrong to deserve his bad fortune, but he caves under God's confrontation, which makes it clear just exactly which of them is the God and which the human, "Where were you when the planets were made and the stars were set in place?" Or words to that effect. I, too, find myself a bit unqualified for the job of being the One that has to sustain my life and shower me with blessings. In other words, you can only do what you can do. Job didn't get an answer but was wise to accept that God's ways are not our ways.

Another thing to look at is how you want to spend the rest of your life. Do you want to be bitter?--obviously not. So let yourself let go of the life you imagined. The life you got is this one. Make the best of it you can, for example by giving thanks every morning for the great-sounding family you have, for the roof over your head, for your resourcefulness, for the new skills and smiles that you will find when you face forward and march toward the scary part, knowing that God will be there, too, and if you permit it, will make you ready in time for whatever happens. The very day I was diagnosed I put a note on my bathroom mirror that said, "Thank you, God, for giving me another day. -Amarante Cordova." I honestly think it helped, and don't know how I though of it. I must have just re-read The Milagro Beanfield War.

The thing about grieving is that you have to squarely face each pain before it will subside. There's a lot of good stuff on grieving on the other side of DocJohn's award-winning website, at http://psychcentral.com/. You can even get a newsletter every week on topics that interest you.

Fear, anger, and all that stuff only make us feel worse. We can't afford the energy expenditure. The Universe will unfold as it should without our mourning.

I have a personal belief that suffering isn't as important as how you handle it. Well, come to think of it, it's not so personal. There's some support for the idea that one man's suffering was the road to bliss for his followers--now where did I hear that? I haven't been able to find that God promised to take away all our trials in this life, but that God would save us from being sucked into a bad state of mind because of them, and that God would be with us to comfort us, whatever happens. I know that our experience of suffering makes us uniquely able to comfort others in the same boat. (2 Corinthians 1:1-7). Who is better able to comfort us than us?

As for your question on how to move forward, my experience is that if I remember all of the above, it helps. I don't think too far ahead very much, and when I do, I face it squarely and stare down the fear. I am hopeful that new ideas and people will keep coming to me and giving me joy, and they do. For example, I took up crochet about five years after diagnosis (almost ten years ago). I was flabbergasted that I could still do it. I was led by a series of synchronicities to a prayer shawl workshop in a neighboring state, and came back and started a prayer shawl ministry at my church. This has led to all sorts of spiritual relationships that have enriched my life immeasurably. Just as I was lamenting the loss of coordination that makes my crocheting very slow by now, another series of coincidences led me into beading, which I love and so far can do even partly "off."

Another thing I do at my church is healing prayer, and yes, people do get healed, that is, made whole, but not necessarily cured. The truly important thing is that our spirits are brought closer to what they were created to be, not that our burdens disappear. I don't know why they don't disappear, but as I said above, I can't change that.

Looks like I'm starting to repeat myself. Don't forget the St. Francis prayer, posted elsewhere on this forum. Show your love more than your disappointment. Behave as if you had great faith. Go with God.

Jaye

Jaye,

I really like what your husband had to say..."We aren't going to solve this thing, we are going to manage it." That is really a great way to look at it. I am going to share that with my husband and hopefully it will help us both to understand and deal with this a whole lot better.

Yes, I have read the story of Job a few times. Reading it reminds me that things could be a whole lot worse. It is easy to see the things that are wrong in my life. Here goes...my type 1 diabetes, adjusting to my hysterectomy both physically and emotionally, my PD, my youngest son's ADD and learning disabilities...and dealing with the system, teachers, meds and doctors that help him to be successful, my oldest son possibly developing type 1 diabetes, a family member killed someone while driving under the influence... this is tearing my family and the victim's family apart, two mentally ill family members suicides, baby niece having something wrong with her heart, my mom's health declining. There has just been a whole lot of bad stuff in the past couple of years. What I mentioned is the big stuff that has really beaten me down and discouraged me. There have been times when I really felt like it was too much to handle, yet God has gotten me through it and I am grateful for that and for God himself.

Now, let me talk about the good things in my life. My relationship with God. I have always been very spiritual and I do believe down in the deepest part of my soul that God exists, that he loves me and he wants what is best for me. I am grateful that I can go to him at any time, with any concerns and in any emotional state and he is there. I think that God understands anger, fear, hurt, frustration and disappointment just as well as he understands peace, joy, and love. He created us and knows us better than we know ourselves. I believe that all things will work for the greater good...sometimes I just don't understand HOW! That is where real faith grows. I know that I am being tested and I know that I am growing even as I type this post. I will grow into a woman that has a deeper faith as a result of what is going on in my life. I want to have a solid faith, regardless of my circumstances. I believe that the way I choose to handle this can be used to bring God glory. I want it to work out that way. Next, today is my fifteenth wedding anniversary. I am married to a man that would walk to the ends of the earth for me and the kids and that would do anything necessary to take care of his family. I know that I am blessed to have such a wonderful man in my life. He is a great friend, husband, and father. I think that he is the glue that holds things together. I don't know what I would do without him! Then, there is my oldest son. He has the most compassionate heart of any child I know. He has a faith in God that is so sincere, especially for a child his age. I will never forget the first year that he really understood what Christmas and Easter were about. He was only five and a half years old that Christmas. I remember him actually crying when we set up the Nativity Set. I asked him why he was crying. He said that he was crying because he couldn't believe that Jesus was born just so that he could die so that our sins could be forgiven. We were both baptized together that following year right around his sixth birthday. It was a day that I will cherish forever. He is a wonderful boy with a great love for God and people. It wouldn't surprise me if he were to go into Ministry someday. Then, there is my youngest son. He is a real character...and he has developed a strong sense of character. He has had a lot to deal with in his life so far as a result of dyslexia, ADD and an auditory processing disorder...and other stuff yet to be determined. He has developed a level of perserverance that is pretty impressive. He gets knocked down and gets back up again and just keeps moving forward. I could learn a thing or two from him! He is in the third grade this year and he has recently caught up to grade level and we are very proud of him. He loves to be outdoors riding bikes, motorcycles and skateboards, or out camping, swimming, and fishing. He is the All-American happy go lucky kid that is always ready with a joke on hand and a warm, happy smile and good, hearty laugh. These three people that I am blessed enough to call my family are my greatest joy in life. Beyond them, I am grateful for my other family members and the friends that I have in my life. In particular I am grateful for the family and friends that rally around during the most difficult times...both online and in person. I am grateful for my precious baby neice. The day she was born a hole in my heart was filled... I had always wanted more children but diabetes and a hysterectomy changed my plans. Although she is not mine, she has brought so much joy into my life...and I get to buy PINK!!! Beyond this, I am grateful that my husband and I are able to work, that we have a nice house to call home, a tent trailer to take camping...my favorite thing to enjoy as a family, clothes on our backs, food to fill our bellies,and cars to get us back and forth to work so that we are able to maintain the life that we have.

Jaye, I think that the trap that I fall into is that I think too much. I should be a little more like Winnie the Pooh...a bear of little brain. Oddly enough...my mom calls me Tigger! She started calling me Tigger because I moved forward and started a new career and she thinks I have dealt pretty well with things in my life. She has seen me down a time or two, but for the most part I don't say too much to her. I don't want to upset her. But...she is my mom and she senses what is going on with me regardless of whether or not I utter a word. Subconsciously, I think that she thinks if she keeps calling me Tigger I will stay more positive. Anyways, back on track about the whole thinking too much thing. I think too much about the future. I am going to make an effort to just focus on one day at a time and enjoy the life that I have now.

I tried to crochet once...but I was horrible at it. Beading is something I could really see myself getting into though. I recently purchased some beaded jewlery that I wanted to wear with a new outfit...my job interview outfit. I wanted to look more sophisticated and polished. I found the most beautiful beaded necklace and earring set and I absolutely love it. All of the beads are earthtones, perfect for this season. I am glad you found a new hobby that you enjoy.

Thank you for all of your wisdom and advice. Especially for reminding me about all of the things that I have to be grateful for and for sharing the scripture verse. I just finished reading it in my bible. Someday, I will pay it forward. I really appreciate it.


Love,

Evonne

Jaye