Harley here

nothing happens without a reason for it to happen. when you give all of who you are to God, He works astounding miracles in your life. Many of these miracles are not seen or understood until the fog finally clears. it is then that you know what He has done, and that you have completed that chapter in your life and can start a new one. this is a process that takes time and patience. '

relationships are built upon a foundation of trust which becomes deeper and more concrete as time goes by. this is the essential ingredient of a friendship.. trust. and this is what steve and i are building our relationship upon. the foundation of friendship. the kind of friendship where you can be who you are totally and completely knowing that there are no expectations to be anyone else. the respect is automatic because there is nothing other than acceptance.

as i heal from wounds from the past, i need the stability of a solid friend to hold onto. and as each footstep i take forward into a discovery of self, i learn that my empowerment is crucial. being able to have a best friend by my side releases any sense of obligation towards working on anything other than my need to heal. and steves friendship is golden. it is genuine. it is precious. and it is crucial. it is what i believe God put in my life to begin to find peace. there are no strings atatched. i am learning to trust again.

in the house where i am now residing.. (steves) i can laugh, be goofy, cry, be inquisitive, be silent, be aloof, change my mind, (several times), attempt things, suggest things, (like trying to get into an attic which is next to impossible in steves mind, but not mine.. heehee) be daring, and be all of the things that make up who i am without the sense of reprisal or reprimand. i can discover and uncover parts of myself i have never known before because i now have the freedom to do so. i am in an environment where i am safe and secure. there are many emotions locked behind my door that needed this environment badly. and slowly with caution, they are coming out. my walls are coming down. but it will take time. and my best friend is with me and understands through genuine concern and care, what i am going through. it may be a long roller-coaster ride. but, i can look into his eyes, and i know.. he's capable of handling the ride.

Steve here..

From week to week I struggle sometimes writing the Weekly Check In thread because our relationship has gone through so many trials and changes that are too personal to write about unless Laura and I are on the same page emotionally so to speak, to share it on the forum..I dont want to write anything that would hurt her in any way, or produce bias or judgements by myself or anyone who is reading..This week the thread is short on substance because our "relationship" has gone through some more changes, and to be honest, I didnt know what to write, and didnt feel like writing anything at all this week, because neither Laura or I were ready to talk publicly about us..Basically we were individually processing our own feelings, and I didnt feel at liberty to post anything about it, untill today obviously

What we do here, is talk about how life goes on after pd, and this story is one of many

When Laura and I met we were exploring the possibilties of a relationship..We have been through alot together since my flight landed in Seattle on Oct 23rd..A real lot..After I was in Washington for a few days I realized how bad Laura was doing physically, which prompted me to stay for two months instead of two weeks which was the original plan..We became boyfriend and girlfriend so to speak after a few days, and I became her care partner at about the same time..There were many days when I was litterally the physical part of Laura that did not function, and we became very close very soon because of that, and I fell in love with her before I became her friend as a result of that kind of intimacy alone..Our relationship repeatedly went from lovers to friends, and back to lovers, then back to friends again and again since Oct 23rd..It became confusing and painful many many times for the both of us..and this happened because I had resolved many of my issues concerning past relationhips and marriages, and Laura had not..She is in the middle of a divorce right now, and she cannot open a new book untill she closes the old one, and as a result of not closing the old one, before we opened a new one, we experienced some turbulence between us, that we both thought that we would easily side step, and overcome, but we could not..Laura and I have both been in abusive relationships, but the difference is, my divorce was in 2003, and Laura's is still in the process..She hasnt begun to recover from the scars associated with it, so trust has been an issue..And rightly so..Why should she trust me on my word alone?..Trust is something that is earned over time, and better cultivated and nurtured through friendship first

Self discovery is another journey one must embark on in order to be able to trust again..I had to do it after my marriage ended in 2003..Trust had been violated in that marriage is so many forms, so often, that when it ended, I didnt know if I would ever be able to trust again..Since I met Laura, I have discovered many things about myself, as she discovers who she is..In order to begin the self discovery that Laura needs, one first has to be removed from the environment that caused the problems to begin with, and be free to walk the path to personal empowerment, and spiritual growth without feeling pressured or distracted from the intimate nature of love relationship..Relationships can be hard, emotionally..enough said

Then a miracle happened..Laura got a huge piece of her health back at the Cleveland Clinic..We put the wheelchair and the cane away, and havent used either since Dec 19th..I havent had to be the part of Laura that dpesnt work anymore..She has herself back now..When she began her new med regimen on Dec 18th, and I watched her walk into her last appointment at the clinic, and walk out 6 hours later on the 19th, I knew alot was about to change in her, and I also knew alot had to change in me..I saw a woman who was freed from the bondage, and imprisonment that her own body had exiled her in many many years ago..She didnt need me to do for her what she couldnt do for herself anymore..I felt two distinct feelings that day..One of victory and personal accomplishment, and one of the realization that I had to begin the process of letting go of the intense carepartner role that I was involved in..I realized how needed I had felt, and the sense of feeling needed and to care for someone who you have grown to love can become very rewarding in terms of feeling good about who Ive become..A sense of self worth was what I felt..I had discovered something new about myself..I had discovered how caring, compassionate, and understanding that I had become, and I discovered the lengths that I was willing to go to accomplish that..But now I had to embrace all of that, and let it go..I knew that her physical freedom was more important than my feeling to be needed..As we waited outside of the Clinic waiting for valet to drive my truck around, aside me stood a woman with a new freedom, and a big smile on her face, like a newborn baby discovering its fingers for the very first time, and not knowing quite what to make of this newfound discovery yet..I knew that a self discovery had just begun, for both of us

So for now we are working on being a best friend to each other, as we discover who we are individually, and who Laura is to Steve, and who Steve is to Laura..Instead of building the house first, and then the foundation, we are building the house the right way, from the foundation up..I am getting to know who Laura is now..Laura the person..So thats where we are right now..On another note, we have decided to get friendship tattoos, and no..we are not going to wear a vile of each others blood around our necks like Billy Bob and Angelina did