It's almost my birthday (yes yes, thanks, but that's not why I mention it ) turning 54. My dad died (back in 1976) at age 55, fried liver from alcohol. Which explains why for the longest time I didn't want to drink at all, but when it did happen, and I found myself heavily addicted as well, I had this irrational idea that it was inevitable, that I would die at the same age, from the same illness.

The fact that I had seen the devastating effects of his passing, how my mum kept talking about how great a man he was until 15 years later she snapped and let it all out - 15 years hurt, of anger towards a man who had left her behind, together with her 6 kids. The way it upturned my own life. How it forced me to be a 13 year old grown up. How it made my family explode into factions who fought each other tooth and nail.

All this made it all the more inexcusable in my eyes that I fell into the same trap. Which depressed me even more, so down the spiral went.

I snapped out of it - probably just in time - so in 368 days I will be older than my dad (as he died on his birthday). Walking-under-a-bus scenarios aside, I will not die that day, or at least not for the same reason.

Hating the mistakes someone made, and then making the exact same mistakes, I don't know if it makes me plain stupid, a horrible person, or just human. Given that I had promised myself to be kinder to me, I'll tentatively go with human, but the other two options still linger in the back of my mind.

Somehow, I feel like that moment, turning 55 plus 1 day, when I'll also have 5 years sober under my belt, will be a good moment to forgive him. And maybe myself too.

Wide-O, I think a lot of things about you but "plain stupid, a horrible person" are both about minus infinity as far as I am concerned.

For sure you are "just human" and I really admire all that you do here.

Congrats on your up-coming birthday.

I hope that you can forgive your dad and yourself.

However, this is just a thought, maybe acceptance is a more helpful option. I have made many mistakes in my life (not just my alcohol abuse) and for me accepting rather forgiving myself for those mistakes works for me.

As I say, just a thought.

Human, 100% human WideO. I wish life could have been easier for you but I have no doubt the wisdom you have, really has been gleaned through your life experiences. None of us can predict as a youngster what we will do with our lives, certainly examples our parents give us don't always factor into decisions made. To share with you what I mean by this, I was once engaged to the most wonderful man, his father had committed suicide at the age of 35. My fiancé couldn't fathom how he had left 2 young children behind, he raged at the betrayal. No one was more shocked than I or his poor mother when he, her eldest son a then acknowledged alcoholic took the same decision to end his life at 25. Don't beat yourself up over life decisions, be as you say, be kind to yourself. I do believe someone famous once said "to err is to be human" or something of that ilk. Happy birthday, I look forward to saying the same next year

(ps the irony isn't lost on me my fiancé was an alcoholic and my husband went on to become an alcoholic)

I'm going to Belgium just to shake that guys hand......

But, I can relate, my Mom died at 29 and my Dad at 39....I am 43 now and it seems weird.

Thanks for the kind replies. Will reply in a bit more detail shortly. . Lots of food for thought.

Edit:

Kiwi ... you may have an excellent point. I don't even like the word "forgiving", it's a bit too dramatic for me. Acceptance is a much better concept, and it's exactly what is needed, both for other's as well as my own actions. We don't live in a perfect world, we are not living a perfect life.

Pamela: yup, and that "irony" is exactly what I'm talking about too. You totally understood the concept I was trying to describe. Mind you: I didn't care so much for my own situation (and I really mean this). Kids can be resilient, I went on to support my mom who was in a state of shock for several years, went on to college to get a degree, got into music, bands, started my own company, got married, no complaints or horror stories there. I think what got to me most was that there was no way anybody could ever make up to my mother. It was final, it was brutal. Again, not all was dramatic, she was a very strong woman, so after those first years she bounced back, and even though she never wanted another partner, she did create a new life for herself until she died in 1999. But some mistakes - as human as they are - could not be mended, and I think that's what I struggled with most. As was the fact that some siblings treated her like *****. But maybe I should just accept it as it was, leave it in the past, and do my best to continue to stay away from the same mistakes.

Icehouse, always welcome. Belgium is a great place to visit. Normally, my fellow countrymen would say "especially for the beers" but, um, well, you know.

29 and 39 ... that is so young, damn. My condolences.

1858 days sober...

That is all, it's the 2nd of the month, carry on.

Im watching some tweets about the Neuro Conference 2016, and this one stood out: wendy burn on Twitter: "@ProfDavidNutt If alcohol was treated as new food additive max exposure allowed per year would be 1mls #NeuroConf"

If my math is correct, that would be equivalent to the alcohol in 10 small glasses of wine (10 times 1 unit of 10ml alcohol) per year.

It does highlight how much alcohol can be considered a neurotoxin. There are other surprising findings, like people who have cirrhosis related to alcohol intake, even though they are not dependent on it. (a.k.a. social drinkers)

No links to the papers yet, just thought it was pretty relevant to our topic here.

I used alcohol as a food additive for years

Ok, that was not the point....I think I get it....maybe not.....