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Old 11-11-2009, 12:37 AM #1
jakatak jakatak is offline
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Default Ashamed and scared

The ebb and flow....Last night I was sitting in my chair, and for the a very brief moment, my feet didn't hurt at all. It was like someone lifted a weight off my chest. It was so wonderful. I do get those moments on occasion. I also get the zaps and burns out of the blue and it reminds me of my condition. Which leads me to my cornucopia of drugs. The Lyrica, Tramadol, my blood pressure med, my cholesterol med, my crazy med...and last but certainly not least...the big one. Oxycodone! 2 pills three times a day. 30mgs a day. Going on two years. Addicted as addicted can be...and terrified to quit. And terrified to stay on them. I used to just shake my head as a youngster when I saw the many pills my father was taking. I vowed that it would never happen to me. But, I inherited the illness of depression/anxiety. I also got lucky with the BP and cholesterol. God only knows how I got the fun little idiopathETIC PN.
I stopped at a light today on the way home from work. I nodded off right at the light! I have tremendous tightness in my neck and my shoulder blade....had it before...STRESS. Being a probation officer and supervising sex offenders can do that after being in the business for 35 years. Oh...to sit in the sun...sip on a herbal tea, be stress free....pain free....I'm 60 and my wife just turned 50. If it wasn't for her, and my wonderful 2 adult sons....I just would feel so lost. I know.....where's he going with this....I wish I knew....I just feel safe talking here.
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Old 11-11-2009, 01:08 AM #2
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Well, they say the first step is admitting you're addicted, and you did! Ummm, sorry, I don't know what the 2nd step is ....

I don't blame you for being scared. But it scares me to think you fell asleep behind the wheel. Glad you waited until the car was stopped!

Its nice that you have a good support group. When you're ready to make a commitment, find yourself a 12 step program and get yourself weaned. We'll be in your corner rooting for you!

Meanwhile, get some toothpicks to keep yer peepers open!
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Old 11-11-2009, 01:45 AM #3
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Default Oxycodone response

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Originally Posted by jakatak View Post
The ebb and flow....Last night I was sitting in my chair, and for the a very brief moment, my feet didn't hurt at all. It was like someone lifted a weight off my chest. It was so wonderful. I do get those moments on occasion. I also get the zaps and burns out of the blue and it reminds me of my condition. Which leads me to my cornucopia of drugs. The Lyrica, Tramadol, my blood pressure med, my cholesterol med, my crazy med...and last but certainly not least...the big one. Oxycodone! 2 pills three times a day. 30mgs a day. Going on two years. Addicted as addicted can be...and terrified to quit. And terrified to stay on them. I used to just shake my head as a youngster when I saw the many pills my father was taking. I vowed that it would never happen to me. But, I inherited the illness of depression/anxiety. I also got lucky with the BP and cholesterol. God only knows how I got the fun little idiopathETIC PN.
I stopped at a light today on the way home from work. I nodded off right at the light! I have tremendous tightness in my neck and my shoulder blade....had it before...STRESS. Being a probation officer and supervising sex offenders can do that after being in the business for 35 years. Oh...to sit in the sun...sip on a herbal tea, be stress free....pain free....I'm 60 and my wife just turned 50. If it wasn't for her, and my wonderful 2 adult sons....I just would feel so lost. I know.....where's he going with this....I wish I knew....I just feel safe talking here.
I just wanted to make a comment about your use of Oxycodone and labeling yourself as addicted. There is a huge difference between physical dependence and addiction. I ran a methodone clinic for a number of years so I am coming from a position of experience. You are using the medication in the way that it was designed to be used....pain relief. Addiction is about abuse, behavior that is oriented toward getting high, taking doses way above doctor's recommendation, about life revolving around the procurement of the drug,(drug seeking) along with the loss of functioning due to the abuse of the drug. I have never heard a "drug addict" say they were concerned about being addicted. You tell them to take 10mg of drug and they take 100mg and say they need more because the "dog ate them, etc. I have heard them all) Physical dependence, on the other hand, is much different. It is about not being able to stop the drug abruptly without experiencing some withdrawal. That is because the body's natural pain killers cut back when they are receiving help from the Oxycodone and in order to build back up the drug has to be tapered. You can certainly have physical dependence without being addicted. People can be addicted to a drug and have no physical dependence (for example, grass.) The key distinction is abuse.I just wanted to make that distinction because I think you already have a lot to wrestle with and don't need another label. Jim
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Old 11-11-2009, 10:44 AM #4
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yup....physical dependence is another kettle of fish from addiction.....the falling asleep at the wheel not a good thing, no matter the cause....have you ever been checked for narcolepsy? perhaps 10 of oxycontin 3x daily would be better? same amount of drug, just wont peak and valley the same....on the other hand, is it actually doing anything for you? it is a small dose, especially for a big guy......i am wondering about your sleep quality? Do you have a pool that you can use? have you been checked for gluten sensitivity? You and i have both been around this board long enough, i cant remember,lol. you know that what you drink can effect you, please also know that what you eat can as well....good luck
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Old 11-11-2009, 03:23 PM #5
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Dependence is what many of us have.... if we take those meds.
It is especially true with Tramadol, but the Lyrica can cause it too. I've been taking both for 9 years (actually 6 with Neurontin, 3 with Lyrica) and when I miss my bed-time dose, I wake in the a.m. with w/d sx. Sweats, chills, nausea, headache, etc. - I feel like I have the flu......Also the PN sx flare, and boy, do they! I take my meds and in an hour or so, I can function again.
But it helps me to live a 'normal' life.
I just came back from a 4 day holiday to the Boston area (a 7 hour drive...each way - to visit my son) and was wiped out when I got back.
But I was able to do it. I couldn't have, without the meds, I'd be bed-ridden. So I accept it for what it is and go about my daily life, working every day and trying to be a grand-dad to 9 grand-kids and a Dad to 4 grown kids....and all that goes with it. But I take more breaks, and take more days off, to try to make things easier on myself.
But I still usually go to work 6 days a week.

Take the meds, Jack - and stop trying to make it more than what it is - a tool to help live your life with as little pain and discomfort as possible. don't gripe about wanting to not have to take the pills and wanting to live in the past.

That's over.... Accept it !

(But falling asleep while driving says you've either got to adjust your meds, or not drive at certain times of the day- when you feel more tired.)

Make the new things count. Make new ways to enjoy your life. You're only 60, I'm 65, and we've both got a lot of living ahead of us. We can make it miserable, or we can make it tolerable... and even enjoyable. Its how you approach it that makes it what it is.
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Old 11-11-2009, 05:13 PM #6
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PNers may be interested in googling or binging "Prolonged Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome". I am currently enjoying this. It occurs with low dose, long term benzos of any class. It is also found with Ambien or the Z drugs highly marketed as not addictive. It is also found with SSRIs and Gabapentin.

There is NO benzo dose too low for this to happen.

It happens when the neuron, is structurally changed. It is a long term or permanent change.

My theory is, my neurons are so unrecognizable that my body views them as foreign, hence autoimmune disease, a thru the roof ANA and no identifiable antibody. Why? It is highly personalized, to attack my GABA receptors, which are essentially foreign now.

I am married to a PO Supervisor. I understand the stress. He came up thru the ranks. I could not do his job, nor take the abuse. I would not be surprised if your job is not exacerbating your disease. I am begging my husband to retire. He is concerned about insurance. My greatest fear is he will die on that job.....

Anyway, as I sit here 'enjoying' myself in my protracted withdrawal, I am thinking if not for my husband I would be under a bridge. Would I be a junkie then? Is social status, or drug of choice what makes a junkie?

A junkie is in the Urgent Care clinic at Friday at 4pm, with some obscure disease that only a certain controlled substance works for and thinking about how good it will feel to get high later that night.

I have to quit all drugs, as my autonomic nervous system is shot. I am not brave, I am scared, scared enough to endure this for a week now, after just enduring a fentanyl wean and a month of hell. Benzos are worse. I have been thru this before and since figuring out that I have prolonged withdrawal and have for decades, due to usage of a benzo in the 90's, so I could use Prozac, for pain??? Opiates are for pain. What the hell is wrong with that picture?

I can tell you what is wrong....my own stupidity. Like once was not enough!

Bob is 100% correct. Physical dependence or Adaptation is not Addiction, but the withdrawal is the same damn thing. I am sick of migraines and puking, a sore head and neck, prickling all over, knowing every stop my Vagus nerve makes. The blood pressure rushes are great too, pounding in my ears....and more puking. I can't lose any more weight. Lost 10 pounds in as many days. I have not slept in a week and won't for months if ever. I wish I was back at the beginning of my PN, and had it to do over. Not a med would get into my mouth.

As far as my autoimmune situation goes, I will be curious to see what my ANA is after all this clears out, and hopefully some receptors heal.

IMO, many of us have chemical injury, and this fact is overlooked by doctors who continue to add to the toxic brew. Then again, many people don't take 'No' for an answer. If I had been told of Prolonged Benzodiazepine Withdrawal Syndrome, would that have stopped me from wanting something to make me sleep? Likely not, since this is my second time withdrawing off benzos due to autonomic meltdown. It is my last time, knowing that I found the answer to why I feel so lousy. I am chemically damaged. I have been permanently poisoned. It is no different than a chemical burn.....there is a scar on the nervous system.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 11-11-2009, 05:55 PM #7
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My sister lost a leg to cancer at 3. My son lost an eye to cancer at 1. My Mother received shock treatments to endure her pain of her daughter's leg lose. My father got lost in a world of valium and an occasional rum and coke. He retired at 52 and never understand his panic attacks for what they were. I found out at 45 what they were. With a family plagued with mental illness, I attacked my anxiety/depression and have been relatively functioning on my crazy drug of choice....Lexipro. Unfortunately....the job of a probation officer is one that provides an incredible about of stress. I compare it to a person wearing a suit of armor. Each day this armor takes a chink. Each day the chinks build up. At first...not noticeable. Over the years.....the weakness of the armor shows. Mine began with my meltdown on the job at 45. I ended up in a anxiety disorder group for several weeks. Today, I consul my offenders on the need to address the brain as another organ of the body. My brain...it struggles today. You guys know my story now. I am trying so hard to keep a happy face. The lack of rhyme or reason to this foot crap is so difficult for a person of logic and reason. I'd give anything for a good old fashion heart attack. Cut me up...put me back together..stick me on the diet...and move on. Pills...pills....diet? Bad back? Good one minute...horrible the next? Aaaarrrrgh. Bob you are an inspiration. The knowledge here is wonderful as are you all.
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Old 11-11-2009, 06:29 PM #8
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I think a lot of us have had unspeakable trauma.

Perhaps it is that vulnerability that leads to disease.
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Old 11-11-2009, 07:52 PM #9
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You all don't mind my ramblings. It is cathartic to get it out occasionally. And Cyclelops I know my story is just one of many. I'm sure that there is much much worse, and I do sympathize.
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Old 11-12-2009, 09:28 AM #10
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Just remember, Jack
STRESS is as big a factor as any..... for PN pain & those damn flares.
The more you stress-out and have anxiety, the worse you are going to feel.
Acceptance of the condition, and informed research into the most up-to-date treatments and meds being used by the known 'big-boys' in the field - is the way to think.
Don't go 'chasing windmills' - that causes more stress.
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