I am posting this hear on glenntaj recommendation. I hope I can gat some halp bacause I just can't go one much longer.

Please, please listen to my story... I have become what I once said I never would - a terrible, terrible, TERRIBLE mother and wife. I hurt my kids and husband daily. I am ruining my children’s lives and I often don't want to live and many days I beg to die. I wont kill myself as that would add to my families pain - but I don't think I would jump out of the way of a runaway car... Then I feel guilty about feeling this desperate because so many people are far worse off than I am. So why do I become so morose? Because there is no end in sight of our misery, the misery I cause to my family. I don't have cancer, I'm not an abuser(at least physically) or drug addict(at least not illegally!)and no one has died...
Two 1/2 years ago we were a happily forward moving family. We have four children ages 2,5,7, and 10; 2 biological, 2 adopted with special needs who were in therapy and with hopeful futures. My husband and I had had some rough times and were also in therapy to repair our relationship, but we were doing well. With the promise of a future partnership for my husband we had "gone-out-on-a-limb" financially by mortgaging another home for our aunt to live just down the street (which turned out to be a blessing and a curse). We had been invited to join a horse riding club we really enjoyed (I was honored to be asked to be president), as well as riding in other horse club events which were a large part of our family activities. I was very active as a stay at home mom and a volunteer at my children’s school. Being a part of their classroom activities and joining various committees rewarded me with relationships with my kids in way better than being a former business owner ever did. My husband was also chairman for a start up grass roots civic committee, things were relatively well for us.
Then February of 2009 I got two random virus back to back (kids bring home bugs all the time!), and my standard low-grade asthma/allergy time began. But this year I did not recover from the 2nd virus very well. It was the flu variety with fever, aches, pains, etc. It never went away, instead after about two months I noticed I was taking twenty Advil a day and my arms and hips were always aching. I was 95% disabled by the end June and tested and treated for numerous diseases and including arthritis, and Lyme disease. I now sit for 99% of my waking moments. I can not move my arms for any time period over a couple of minutes. It is a delay reaction and also a build up process through out the day. In the morning when wake pain will usually be 2-4 on a scale 1-10. With in 10 minutes of getting up, dressed, getting a cup coffee (decaf), using the facilities, and taking my morning medications I will usually be at a 4-6. At bedtime I usually at at 7- 9. To describe the pain is very hard to do. According to my Neurologist this is common complaint from patients with this disorder - it is not a common pain. At the least it is like a toothache, the worst is like a concrete slab is crushing my arms with ice picks sticking out of it, or as though someone ran a cable from my ring finger up through the middle of my arm to my shoulder blade and to my spine and is trying to pull my arm inside out! Can you remember when you have smashed you finger/toe with a hammer/on a door jamb, etc? That is me at a 6. This condition also affects my vision. There various degrees of blurriness that hit me, often correlating with my pain level. My dexterity and swallowing are also thought to be effected.
At this time I have a possible diagnosis and no cure in sight. I have a condition called Ganglioneuritis. It is an autoimmune response to a virus in which your body over reacts to your own auto immune system. In my case we can not find my trigger, and at this time are going to be trying some new things for the pain - but I not hopeful. It fairly unknown by most doctors. My life is in shambles, my kids are miserable; their personalities are changing, or in the case of my adopted children regressing or not developing in the way they need to be part of society. My marriage is crumbling and my self? My SELF is hopeless. We are behind in ALL of our payment with the threat of foreclosure and our homes. My husband did not make partner and now we are failing financially. We can not refinance because of the economic downturn. My home is in horrid condition. I cannot clean it and my husband is over worked. My aunt is able to help some but she I over worked as well. She is retired on disability with rheumatoid arthritis herself and isn’t supposed to do very much. My husbands true love is hot rods cars and he is having to consider selling his one that he wants fix up. I say no because it would only be bubble gum on the dam anyway. My kids deserve the best in life. I naturally think that they have a lot to offer to society, but because I am in sever pain all the time I can not facilitate their growth - only hinder it.. Treatment for what I have includes severe narcotic pain relievers, and Muscle relaxers ,and laying down AT ALL TIMES! The pain is so debilitating that at times I fall to the floor keening and crying in front of my children, something everyone knows you would never want to effect their fragile psyche.
I need a change and don’t know how to go about it. We have recently tried to implement a few changes in our lives to improve our relationships - but it is going to be a slow process, and frankly, quite a few things are beyond our means. We need to get on top of our finances, keep our home cleaner (this could actually greatly effect my health but is impossible for us maintain), keep me in a better mood, have time to bond. I need to find a person who KNOWS this condition and can help me get over it! IS there any one out there ?