Don't beat yourself up because your feelings change and you don't know what the outcome will be, you are growing and learning.
Zygo

Sorry about your struggles with your husband/family on top of your health conditions. I know how hard adding more on top of the already is. I think it is good you reached out for support.
I am not married or do I have kids so maybe I should not respond. I do though have a lot of family issues and have done a lot of family/individual therapy for on and off 14 years. I have a few thoughts I guess.
From reading your posts you seem to find a reason you should not feel X. For ex you stated others have it worse with domestic violence. Regardless of what others may face this is your life and it is not ok for you to be treated in this manner. There will always be someone better or worse off then but that does not take away from what you are dealing with.
Second your husband being upset you can't take on more house mom duties. That is not your fault. He can be upset and have what ever emotions he wants but then he needs to learn how to deal with it in a manner that is healthy. If that means him going for therapy and learning coping skills then that is what he needs to do.
Also then you state he is good to you alot but then will blame you,say you will never see your kids etc. Regardless if he is good to you some times on others to treat you this way is not.
The reason I bring these things up is it is so important to not justify bad behaviors or treatment that you get. How can you heal,have things change and move forward if you are not fully accepting that they need to be changed? I have a family member who will make excuses for bad behavior of another member. Up until recent I almost believed it was ok of that person with the bad behavior. Now since I have started speaking up and separated from them I see regardless of what ever reason that person may have for the negative words it is not ok. A person must say something to another in a proper manner.
You are in a tuff place between the financial,children,physical health. I think therapy is good idea and though you may not find someone who deals with pain it still may help. I can't recall the website but there is this site I found and you can put in what you are looking for in terms of focus like if you have pain,anxiety etc. I think it is called therapist finder.
I hope I am not out of place and you are in my thoughts because I can't even imagine how hard this is. Do you journal? I think it can be helpful to get feelings out and connections of what you are going through. You can even write a letter to your husband on this topic. You don't send it but you say in it what you would if you had no fears. Just let it flow. I have done that in therapy. It really helped me.
Lastly as for handling baggage. Sometimes in my life I am so confused on what I need or what I should do I look at what is not working and try to change that. Am I making sense?
Ok I will stop with the novel. If you want an email buddy I am here. Sometimes just having someone to listen helps.
Wishing for better times ahead

I wanted to tell you I have been following the posts, and hearing what others said to you. There is alot for your to consider. People have the same feelings I have about your situation. Their advise is right on target. You haven't been far from my thoughts eithor adeline. I hope that you will post to me and let me know how you are doing. I hope that you can move forward into the peace which we all need to help heal ourselves. ginnie

1/1/12
I have not bean able to communicate lately because he has been home and we have had company.
But to update…..(and I am little proud of myself for this)…
I have tried to further communicate with him my worry that he avoid the family and each and every time he goes right in to rage. I always address it very gently and not accusingly, but just trying to let him see he is hurting the family and that the kids notice. So on Thursday I told him I would not accept it any more. I told him what h e was doing to me was abuse and would be considered domestic violence. If he did not stop with his violently angry outbursts directed towards me I would call the police. I said that I greatly regretted that he has created this abyss in our relationship and that I would like to see if we could correct it- but if he used sarcasm or insults at all, I will not engage in conversation with him. I did not react to his anger at all. I asked him to examine why he goes straight to rage when the topic is brought up. I told him if he gets sarcastic or insulting I will simply not talk! He did some talking but did get sarcastic so I had to leave. Since then he has been extremely courteous and comforting. I have been in a lot of pain and he has gone to great lengths to care for me.. This though is his trademark. He is very “dutiful“, if that is the correct word. He has been very helpful, attentive and made sure that I felt as good physically as I could. For him this counts as empathy, he does not understand about emotion anymore. I have asked him that we talk about our issues and with him, it is an impossibility for him to approach me to discuss our relationship. Is it just him? Why does it always have to be me to bring up and discuss our problems. If I were to talk to him right now he would exclaim that he has done nothing wrong, that he has been taking great care of me, and the kids (which is true - when he is around). He just doesn’t see that by ignoring the issues that we have - they will not go away.
He has continued to avoid the family and it has really begun to hurt the kids - they are now crying every time he leaves the house, even if it is just to go up to the local market quickly. This is the issue I initially brought up that prompted this thread. I said to him that I felt he is hiding from his family and home at work. He did not believe me in the very least at the time I bought it up. But these last few days, with the way the kids have been acting (unprompted by anyone) I am hoping he see’s it finally. The problem is getting him to actually TALK about it.
Thanks Zygo - I honestly don’t know what to do. If .. If this, if that,…I keep thinking in a loop!
Hi ginnie - Because the kids are still home for another week I will not be able to search for a therapist until they go back to school. Keeping things maintained until then is all I can concentrate on. I feel so in limbo, and walking on egg shells at the same time. Yet he seems so oblivious. He thinks that if he is being attentive then things are all right.
Thank you for “novel” daniella. I do some journaling, and it does help a little. But what has really helped me the most has been writing here. I can’t tell you how relieved I am when i find that someone has written back to me. And I don’t just need platitudes. It is great to hear all the comments, feedback, advice. I am still not sure what path I will end up on, but by being able to come to this site and keep my thoughts clear and expressed I am able to remain calmer through-out the day. I haven’t done the letter idea yet - I’m going to give it serious consideration. Yes, I understand what you say about baggage. Sort of. Sometimes my baggage rests nicely, other times its all tossed around. I would love t o keep up the communication with you!

I am very proud of you for using your voice to your husband. I also would love a new email buddy so am here.
Another thought about therapist maybe someone on here could suggest one if you feel comfortable saying the area you live in.
I am a person who has also a very hard time being in limbo. I hate the unknown and not having a concrete. I guess in times of this i just try to take it day by day and get through in the best way.
Happy New Year too

I am glad to hear that you are taking these issues in hand. You are not ignoring a problem, but confronting it. Nobody knows what path they will wind up on, until they actually are walking that path. You are doing the best you can do. You are keeping your options in you head, and really paying attention to how your kids react and how he acts, going into a rage. I would agree that keeping a journal of these " rage incidents" may help down the line when you have council. Yes, write down all you can about your situation. When you gather all the pieces you have of the puzzel, you will be able to make a better decision on what to do. Keep being strong, and do not allow him to abuse you. Being attentive about your pain, is not the same thing as having a good communication with you. Rage is not an accepted part of marriage, or in caregiveing. He should not use that to excuse his behavior. It would be hard to "except" care giving from someone who just flew into a hissy fit ten minutes ago. Nobody would want the care from a person like that. It wouldn't feel good, thats for sure. I am so glad there are some good souls responding to you. This site is a blessing for me too. I am glad you found this refuge to go to. We will all be here for you, and you will also be in my prayers. ginnie

this morning we were talking and i told him i was getting help. We Were have a semi-decent conversation but he said there was nothing wrong with him and he won't get any help. I geuss thats my answer - huh? How wcan a person deny that they contribute to probelms in a marriage? Now I really have to get going - he won't leave the house and he won't get help but he doesnt want a divorce. He wants me to do all the work , i just cant, i cant.

I am sorry. I remember when my mom and dad were having problems and my mom wanted to do therapy together but also wanted him to see someone separate. At first he did not want to and felt he had nothing to change and there was ntohing wrong. He felt it was all my mom. Anyhow then my mom filed for divorce with the paperwork and he did a 180 where he did both types of therapy. Now in the end it was enough and they divorced but sometimes a person will change if they know they have to. I am not saying for you to file for divorce but may be if your husband feels there is no option then to do therapy he will.
You sound really sad/struggling so just letting you know I m here by email too.

1/8/12

...its funny that you say that (funny as in ironic - not funny ha-ha)! Its 4:30 in the moaning or there about and I can't sleep. we have had a reconciliation or something thereabouts. I don’t know if i really want one...
I was sitting at my computer (now yesterday after I had walked away from our conversation saying sorry if you think there is nothing wrong with you, therefore there is nothing left to talk about) looking up divorce procedures in our county when he walked in and noticed my red eyes and had the gall to act innocent and ask whats wrong? A little exasperated I said I am trying to download the paper work to proceed with our divorce and for one fleeting second he got the rat in-the-trap look (“okay - my bluff has been called!”). He said something about it sarcastically and I calmly replied that he has to choose between continuing our relationship or divorce and he had chosen earlier so I was going to proceed with out any delay!
Well he back-pedaled very quickly and tried to incite many arguments at that time. i tried to remain calm and i think i did mostly ignore his attempt to incite me. In the end after his sarcastic remarks to get help came the genuine remarks to get help. i told him that if he really wanted to get help he had to seek it himself. So at this point he is supposed to find a marriage counselor for us and if that counselor advisees indivivsual counseling for us we will both follow up. He will still not allow video/audio tapes to record our conversations - which this I think this is our largest problem we have (how we talk to one another) I don't have a problem with this if I can hear how I am talking to him wrongly than i can fix it - but he is afraid of what it will show. I am hoping a new and unbiased therapist will show a new, unbiased, and understood, picture of our relationship. by having him choosing the therapist gives him 1) some control 2) some reasonability ---- is this the right choice - or should i take control? --which he says I am controlling/...got try to sleep now have company coming in the morning - thank you all lots for letting me vent therapeutically and get support and ask question for emotional matters under medical reasons!!!!

Hello, and you bet I have been following the posts. You are trying so hard Adelina, and you are being so brave to confront all the issues with your marriage. You are not letting the issues go until resolution happens. You have also given your husband grace to see for himself, what is is doing. I know things aren't going t be easy for you. It never is when you try to make a change, or correct ones life. What ever your decisions are, I am sure that you will make the right one for yourself and your children. You are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so grateful for the others who also have chimed in to voice their thoughts. Don't be afraid of going forward with your decisions. I want you to know happiness again. ginnie