It's a "he". My close friends here know I'm a divorced mom, with some dates and some relationships since the divorce, using theinternet as the only way to meet.

So, I met. A guy who's older and has diabetes. A man who looked vital and alive, and has a twinkle in his eye that says "I'm alive and my ticker is ticking!"

But his diabetes was way out of control and he seemed a disaster about to happen. I felt this was something I did notneed, and gave him an ultimatum: 3 months to start taking care of himself; that's the most I'd date him without him helping himself and caring for himself properly. Three months seemed reasonable. After 6 weeks, he had a stroke.

Some of you who know me, know my strings get tugged by someone in need, and I could not walk. But the story of getting him treatment, ending this week with a carotid endarterectomy, after the decision to do a triple bypass at the same time was nixed at the last minute, is a story beyond belief, and I'm past the point where I can tell it for its shock value or pathos.

Needless to say, South Jersey is not well served mdically, and if you can't drive, you can't do anything, including getting your meds; and if you've got aphasia, you can't even write down the times of your appointments, or doses of meds. It was a mess.

The only thing to be said for it is that if you press, you can get people to the right hospital by advocating for them, and I got him over to a university hospital from the community hosiptal which was going to let him die from their neglect and ignorance. Also, when you care for someone and there are results, even when you're in pain yourself, it doesn't feel nearly as depleting as you'd think. In fact, somewhat the opposite. The more you give and help, the less you feel your own pain.

I just had to deal. I told myself that even though I'm agnostic, if the Force, Spirit, or G-d had sent me this totally outwardly unsuitable guy, and made him this sick this quickly, then there was a reason we met, and I had a mission. I needed to just do what I could do, and not question what it meant, in the traditional dating sort of way. I just had to do it, and do it as long as it felt right.

It was an odd experience, nourishing, deep, difficult, frustrating, and rewarding. It was also incredibly, almost inconsolably sad. This man was walking around with blood sugars over 300 for years, and his nurse practitioner was telling him he was doing fine. Not.

Liza Jane:

His nurse practictioner should be shot!!!

I also have a friend who is going through stage 3 lung cancer that has spread to her brain and she has 3 more spots on her lung. She smoked for years, got emphasema, quit 8 years ago, but the damage was done.

But her biggest problem is not the cancer (believe it or not). It's her anorexia. She will not go over 100 lbs. You should have seen her in the hospital when they were trying to give her Ensure. She adamantly refused to drink it, or eat anything. Her mother is 83 and has given up. She won't take her in because "I refuse to see her die". Those were her exact words.
And her daughter (who is 37 years old and probably bi-polar), actually went into her hospital room and shouted at her sick mother "YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, DO YOU KNOW THAT, LOOK WHAT YOU'VE PUT ALL OF US THROUGH".

I have never seen such disfunction in all my life. Her own brother had to carry her out screaming and kicking because she was raging at her mother.

My poor friend is mentally ill, obviously, she's been in and out of eating disorder clinics all her life. She is the most giving, the most thoughtful person and once weighed 58 lbs. I never saw a living skeleton like that in all my life. But we can do nothing. She's had nutritionist over the house (while she was doing chemo). Even the nutritionist couldn't get through to her. Once (when she was having a good spell, and she could drive), we were having a conversation, and she actually asked me "Melody, how many calories are in a leaf of lettuce". I remarked: "Elaine, when you have to ask how many calories are in a leaf of lettuce, you need to be back in the hospital getting fed through a tube". She laughed and said "no, I am comfortable at my weight".And she weighed 98 lbs and is 5'4. I have accepted her for who she is and there's nothing I can do about it. It must be terribly frustrating for her family to see this happening and there's nothing anyone can do. I believe the anorexia will do her in before the cancer.

So all we can be are good friends for the people we support.

You have been just that to your friend.

All the best,
Melody

Good to see you back on-line- and yes, if one believes in "fate" - you were able to really help save a fellow human being... a very good feeling... sounds like its been an emtional drain on you - but at the same time rewarding... and good to hear that he is doing ok thanks to you.....

Glad to see you are going forward - and send good wishes.... for all of you... (treat yourself!!!!!!!!)

We want to know how he is getting along. Is he going to be OK? Is he in the hospital?

I bet he will be the first to agree that you are some kind of a saint...

Cathie

P.S. I had a STRONG suspicion that there was something else going on there... Even though the "sick friend" posting is true, it sounded a little tame there.... With your care, I hope he will recover quickly... You are such a nice person...