I will never run another Marathon, I will never climb to the top of another mountain,

Did I get your attention?

This is in response to Jakataks posts.

Bob and I have kind of come down a little rough on him about his low spirits. His impatience with his pain and inability to get help and relief from his pain.
I remember when I was first diagnosed. I went through the denial stage, and the hopeless stage.
I had to realize that who I had defined myself to be was no longer who I was. I was no longer that long legged brunette that could step into a pair of 4" heels and a short leather skirt and walk into a club and command the attention I wanted.
I am not someone who trains for marathons at the gym for three months and ignores the pain in my legs because it's just "training" pain.
I'm not the single mom who takes her daughters on a 10 mile hike up a mountain just to see the waterfall at the top and camps overnight so we can hike down the other side the next day!
I am now the 47 year old woman who has to ask for help opening a bottle of orange juice because I've lost the strength in my hands and can't always open it. The woman who has gained almost 50 pounds due to medication and inability to exercise. (However, I've recently lost 20 pounds). The woman who has to use a cane sometimes at work because I can't walk from one end of our building to the other without losing my balance or being able to tolerate the pain in my feet while I walk. The list goes on and on. When I look in the mirror each morning, I hardly recognize the person looking back at me.

The physical pain we endure in our lives is just a small part of the pain we endure with this disease. The emotional changes we go through are incredible. We learn so much about our personal strengths and weaknesses and our characters!

I thought I was a STRONG woman before. Raising two daughters, being healthy and physically strong. I had no idea how strong I could be until I was faced with this disease! ALONE! This is the true test of strength!

You people on this board are my source of strenth.

When I read the posts of the newcomers and people like Jak, it takes me back down my road, and makes me look down my future road.
Jak, these people saved my life. They taught me that it's O.K. to be humble. It's o.k. to ask for help. I'm not Supermom. It's O.K. to be sick!

I'm still scared as hell of this disease, but I can't make it go away, I can't stop it, all I can do is learn about it, take good care of myself, and come here for support!

I still have those sexy shoes in my closet... I take them out and put them on my feet, I just can't walk in them. I cry when I put them on. I still have my mom's photo on the wall and I take it down and hold it and cry when I miss her too! But life goes on, and we have to keep pushing on, for those that love us! I'm still adjusting to the new "me"... I don't have to like it, but it is who I am. I'm learning to deal with it. Someday I'll learn to like most parts of it. I just can't find a sexy pair of flat shoes!

One of the many things I have learned due to this experience: that many of the things I was proud of should have engendered a great deal of gratitude instead.



rose

Luckily I could never walk in heels to begin with,so I can't say I miss them much. Also I have never owned a short leather skirt, always wore long dresses to hide pale legs.

But Seams, when you can't wear high heels and short skirts...

Consider sexy jeans with boots!

i cant wear 4"heels or short leather skirts either. IM still trying to adjust.

II just posted late after Bob's. I read Jack's posts when i saw 2 yrs.
i almost lost it. I wish nobody pain,but i would love to see a post,
from Jack saying TODAY i took charge of my pain,just something
positive.

I use to love very high heels and short very red skirts. Today i like
posts about new red cars and a grandchild,who hugs it.

On the pain level a 5 can put a smile on my face. We must do the
very best we can. To all of you and S thanks Sue

That was a very thoughtful and provoking post. Much can be made out of a post like that. I might not have always exhibited what some people want me to say or do, but I also haven't taken my own pain or feelings out on anyone else who may be feeling low, despondent, or just wanting to share a feeling. I may have only shared an issue that is of short duration, but I don't think it is helpful to get angry with someone who is or is not living up to other people's expectations. I am not suicidal, but I think it is normal to have suicidal feelings. Frustration and a lack of direction can create tremendous feelings of despair. If one can't purge their feelings on a website where the very existence is one of dealing with chronic pain, then I don't know where else a person can vent. For those that find my remarks frustrating and my lack of direction and apparent "poor" attitude disconcerting......I apologize.

Your post said you had a bunch of Nuerotin,Lyrica Vicodan and were
thinking of getting a bottle of Vodka and taking a major coctail.

I had just got back from the Cemetery,i dragged myself across the
grass on my walker. I wanted to tell my husband about our 1st grand-
baby. I had 2 Drs. appointments before this.

There was your post,my husband wasn't susicidal, but the man who
crossed the line and hit my husband head on was. He lived my husband
didn't,we had 3 kids in College Jack.

That man did have a major coctail in him,he crawled out of his car without
a scratch on him. When they got him sober. He screamed all i wanted
was to kill the pain. That was 8 yrs. ago today. Yes i was worried about
you,but your post scared me. I was afraid of the people you might hurt.

I don't know you from braintalk,but Jack you sounded like you were
suicidal. Yes there probably is a (DUMP & UNLOAD) site ,your words
find it if you must. I took the time to e-mail my son to give me the
Name of that Pain Clinic.I would do it again,just don't post that way.

So many of us have physical pain that will last forever,we get frustrated
tired,and put up with the same crap you do from Drs. Feeling suicidal
is one thing, say so. Don't make it sound like you are going to commit it.
It's just to painful for me. I know you said you were sorry for being
desperate. I really hope so and i hope you find the help your seeking.

Sue

Joe, You should really try to adjust, and once adjusted, please post a picture into the forum

I was waiting for the levity that I knew would result.

I hope that appreciating the humor won't result in anyone feeling their serious problems are being trivialized. I know my life is difficult, and compared to many of yours it is probably a piece of cake.

rose

I must agree you have to adjust,because it would do me a world of good
to see that picture. or can't wait. You can do it.. Sue
Thanks for the idea Brian. But Joe just don't fall,oh that would hurt
but the skirt flying up and all that stuff..