I am very ashamed to admit it, but a day does not go by that I don't ponder my demise at my own hands. The pain is so damn awful, and I feel like I am stuck in a world that no longer has a place for me. By that, I mean that working and providing for my family is a requirement, but each day of work involves nothing short of monumental suffering. This is no way to live.

The real genesis of my suffering is a profound sense of hopelessness. My will to survive causes me to think that "there must be a solution" that, while not totally elimininating my pain, will at least restore a reasonable quality of life. But at a cognitive level, I also am keenly aware that those options may include what mathmeticians call the null set, as in none.

I have tried nearly every prescription ever mentioned on this site for my 20 years since this damn diagnosis, and none have done much of anything for my pain. Supplements, ointments, everything. So...what am I supposed to hang my hat on? What is supposed to be the genesis of my hope and faith when the compounds that they prescribe today (with one or two exceptions) are the same as were prescribed initially 20 years ago? Neurontin, Elavil, etc?

I am not trying to minimize other people's problems, but when, for example, someone has a relationship problem, such an issue can be overcome one way or the other over time (albeit with much pain and suffering in the interim). How is my PN to be resolved over time so that I retain the will to carry on? Has science given me any reason to be optimistic? Cell phones over 20 years are infinitely better. Care for PN? Not so much.

Now, I do not have any specific plan to take my life. I have three beautiful boys and a lovely wife. What is incredibly sad, however, is that despite all the wonderful things in my life, this one monster called PN outweighs literally everything else such that I think everyday just about making the pain go away.

It's just that contemplating your demise and wishing sometimes when you go to bed that you would not wake up in the morning is no way to live. The despair has changed the person I am. People can see it, sense it, feel it. I have not performed like I otherwise would have in my career, and I haven't been as good of a father and husband as I wish I was, because while I fight like heck to not let this disease tear me down, the truth is that it has and does, one day at a time. It has changed me and who I am, and I am angry at it for that. The funny person who had so much ambition and energy is suffering a slow, protracted metaphorical death at the hands of a dreadful disease about which few are even aware. I don't know if that makes me more sad or angry.

I have the very same thoughts, feelings and pain. I am about to have surgery that my doctors tell me is very risky and will in no way improve my condition and may even take my life. However I can't just sit here and not try anything. What if it does work, my life will be changed and I can enjoy it instead of being consumed by this. I was working my way up in my career and it has come to a complete halt. Spent ten years in school and they money it took, all for nothing at this point. Sucks. I can offer no comfort other than your not alone.

I have degenerating vertebrae in my neck and lower back (lumbar) area. The disks are cracking, disintegrating, and fracturing and now have collapsed in and press against my spinal cord. Acupuncture, massage, and spinal/cranial manipulation worked wonders for a couple decades, but now I'm in constant pain. I work with death with dignity groups, because I do believe in more pain than doctors can relieve without destroying quality of life.
I can't tolerate pain meds, so I've worked with an amazing nurse practioner in pain management. Yoga, meditation, acupressure, TNS therapy combined with heat and cold, music and water therapy has made life tolerable ... one day (or hour) at a time.
She taught me coping skills, and except for the TNS unit I can work anytime, anyplace. I'm trying to get a professional unit through Medicare.
I also have a therapy cat, most people have dogs. Service dogs can help too, depending on your needs.
Stay in the present. If you need to vent, come on here and write till the anger's out. Do NOT hold it in. Collect what brings even a few minutes of joy--a song, a film, a photograph, a memory (write in down and add to it as you remember details.)
Look at the stages of grief (somewhere on this website or the Internet) or any 12-step program. You need to move on, and these programs show some ways some people can do that.
I lost my job because a new boss who came onboard decided I was too sick (you couldn't say old, and I hadn't missed work much--had 42 days if accumulated sick time). She bullied and lied to me until I quit. That's the worst thing that's happened ... I feel ten times worst now that I have no job to go to. I do some volunteer work, but it's not the same.
Keep searching and keep after the medical world for cutting edge stuff. I hear of several PN research & med tests every few months.
I'm glad you're here & hope you get some helpful suggestions. Take best care.
Roads

There is no shame in how you feel. Many of us here have gone down the yellow brick road, and not found home yet. The suffering we all go through, try as I do, I cannot come to grips with it. I hear your pain, and I feel it too. I am not what I was either. Pain does change a person, and sometimes not in a good way. There have been times in my life too, that I didn't want to wake up. I know several others on NT who feel this way right now as you do.

Faith can shrivel right up, hope gets dashed, and here we sit, unable to do anything to relieve the suffering. You are right, living beyond ones ability to cope, does cause the very darkest of thoughts.

There are new things being tried if you search hard enough. Ketamine infusions for pain and depression are on the cutting edge. I know the ketamine works, as I had it for my spinal problems. Tampa Hospital has a clinic and trial studies are going on around the world. Keep some shred of hope there, that you can find this kind of help. There are others on NT right now who are trying Ketamine infusions for pain. JAMA the medical journal has articles from doctors around the world using this. It can be accessed through your public library, and if you are good on the PC, through the internet as well.

Come here to talk, all you can. I never left this site, as the folks here got me through my own darkest pain and fear. Nobody will think negative of you for expressing yourself. We offer support, and maybe some ideas to help you get to the next step. I too have PN, and multiple approaches have helped me. However I don't consider it so bad, as it is only in one limb so far.....

What kind of relationship do you have with your doctors? Have they offered nothing to you that eases the pain at all??????? Have you considered a physiatrist???? This isn't a psychiatrist, it is a doctor who for the most part thinks outside the box. I started acupuncture, and I will stick with it to see if there is any relief.

Anger does have a purpose. I get angry no question about that. I have driven friends away from me, as My temper isn't in check all the time. However it has propelled me to take the unconventional routes, which have helped.

CBC's in MM, are being tried for PN. You take the THC out of the product, and people are saying that it helps for PN. 6 brothers out in Colorado, can ship anywhere in the country, as that part of MM is not illegal. Use a vaporizer for the oil, and there is no smoke either. It is worth a try to see if you get any relief at all. I would smoke a tomato plant if I thought it would help me.....Doc Smith, here on NT has access to some recent articles about this. PM him and I am sure he will send you the links.
What is important, is that you" don't give up". Fight even more for your life. Your family needs you, and there still can be moments of great joy in life.
Scream if you must, holler, go someplace to rage, then get going on trying to find some help. I will be thinking of you. I will keep you and your family in my prayers. I will also be here, around the boards and will listen to you anytime you have need. You are not alone in this. I do care. ginnie

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread203096.html

The above is a link to the very recent and important post with updates on CBD re: PN.
Highly recommend it to your attention.

What sort of surgery are you planning to have?

Wow. These are some of the best/most thoughtful posts I've read on this site—ever—every one a gem. I agree with everyone/everything. There's not much/anything I can add, and that's saying something (for me).

I come from a place of multiple chronic pain issues, each one fighting the others (and me) for precedence every day.

Evan, this is not just a PN/SFN issue; FWIW, this is a chronic/intractable pain issue.

coping intractable pain

The Intractable Pain Patient's Handbook for Survival

Coping With Chronic Pain

I don't know if a live (regular meetings) support group would be of benefit to you. They're easier to find in large cities, but some have popped up in other areas, depending on demographics. They helped me until I didn't need them anymore, but they're still there if I do, or I can start one.

Mindfulness Meditation(?)

Use the anger. Turned inward it becomes depression; turned outward and focused it can be a powerful tool.

Your greatest strength/support lie in your family—in the faces of wife & children. But you know that.

Doc

I agree with what DrSmith just said. There is very little to add when so many have already said such great stuff. I just want to add my support.

I have read your posts in the past, I always sorta relate in an odd way, since I have twins myself. I think of you and your situation and others like you, who must provide for your family and continue to work despite what hellish pain you are going through. I feel ashamed because I am not the provider, I dont have to work, yet I feel all the emotions you described. I can not imagine the burden you carry above and beyond physical and emotional pain knowing a family relys on you. It brings tears and pain to my heart. I wish so much that I could say or do something to relieve even one moment of the pain and fear you feel.

As a Christian, I always thought I was a strong woman, able to stand firm in any trial. I still feel that way, but not in the same way. My faith is still strong but has altered in ways that is hard to describe. I would never commit suicide but my mind wonders how on earth I will live with chronic pain another 50 years. Is it the same to wish something may happen to me to end it instead of suicide? My pain is not that bad yet, and Iam thankful. But its the thoughts of 50 more years and what is to come that leads me down that dark path. I remind myself to live in the moment, or the hour, or the day.

Fear is my real bondage. Fear can kill you more than physical pain. Fear messes with your mind and holds you in bondage, unable to move or breath or think cohearent thoughts. Fear is a stronghold that can literally kill you in my opinion. When I control the fear I break loose of its bondage.

My heartfelt prayers are with you, and while those are only words to you I still believe they are the most powerful thing I can do for someone and the most powerful thing someone can do for me.

Stacy I am right there with you when you talk about fear I have other issues as well with health. My PN has not really taken off as yet so the fear of the pain I may have to deal with along with other pain issues has a hold of me already. It can be consuming.
All of this just makes me sad I feel for everyone suffering

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread202686.html