I am afraid of sounding glib, but at the risk of it---when things are going really bad for me, and I feel overwhelmed and ask that awful question, WHY ME? I make myself answer myself: WHY NOT ME? I know that sounds glib, but I find it a comfort in an odd way. If someone is going to get the bad luck, why should it be someone else and NOT me. I don't know, it helps.

The other thing is that when things go wrong there's a reason why more will go wrong. When I first got neurologically ill I was unable to drive to my home, or my kids to school foran entire week. I just couldn't make myself get to the location---the car would end up blocks beyond where I was going. I had trouble with the ATM, making coffee, had to work out the steps of everything one at a time. And then, I'd find the milk in the pantry, the scissors in the refrigerator, etc. I dropped things, and couldn't concentrate.

I had neuropsych testing, and all it showed was my "working memory" was down and I was anxious. I could have sworn I was NOT anxious, just sick, but that's what they said.

I've come to an understanding about this, and perhaps a bit, just a bit, applies to you: when we're really stressed, it takes a lot of our brain nerve cells to deal with the stressor---maybe the stressor is worry, maybe it's dealing with pain and keeping pain from interfering, maybe it's focussed on our family, but all those nerve cells dealing with the stress leave fewer to be part of our conscious, aware, working memory.

That means we can't concentrate, make sloppy mistakes, aren't aware where our hands are when they put down the scissors or hammer. The brain has no "flex" left, so many cells are doing work out of our awareness to keep us going.

It explains the domino effect of stressors on our mental functioning.

Anyway, perhaps some of what is going on for you is that--you have so damn much on your plate, that it's harder to focus and keep clear, and eveerything taht's already too hard becomes harder.

Hope this doesn't sound glib, I know I'm only addressing a tiny portion of the things going wrong for you just now, but it's all I could think of to add, and I really feel for you.

Liza Jane:

That was the best interpretation of STRESS that I have ever heard.

Makes absolute sense and when I read about what it does to the memory cells and if you think about it, our minds control everything that we do, say, pick up with our hands, put down with our hands, etc. etc., well, if we are under an unusual amount of stress, we will have a much badder (not a real word I know) day than the day before.

But because it's impossible to get rid of stress, what we have to try to achieve are better ways to deal with it. Not an easy task by any means.

Take for example what happened to me yesterday. Never thought it would happen in the five years since my son left home. But he tried to hit up family members for money. I just stood there stupified on the phone. Because I never thought he would ever stoop to that level, even though he's a compulsive gambler, and has basically never even asked us for money (because he knows my answer), when I heard that he called up Alan's sister, I just thought, OH NO, he's now come to the point where he is hitting up people for money. It was mortifying, and I know it has nothing to do with me or how I raised him. It's his choice. But it's embarassing.

I just phoned my sister in law and said "Please don't give him money". She said "oh, don't worry, I said no".

It doesn't always have to be an illness that gives us stress. But if we have an illness, the stress that we get will exacerbate it. I can only imagine Alan's psoriasis after this. And yesterday, we found out that my friend's daughter sent $10,000 to a convict in prison and ran up her cell phone calling up the guy's mother in Italy. When the parents tried to take the cell phone away, she went ballistic, they had to wrestle her to the ground and she's now being evaluated in a psych ward. And because she took the money from her father's credit card, well they are all out the $10,000. And she won't name the guy in prison so they can't even try and get the money back.

Talk about stress on a family. Jeez.

So we have to try and make the stress we deal with, well we have to find a way to deal. I know they say "let go and let God". But sometimes that's easier said than done.

And no, you are not being glib at all.

Crap (can't say the other word) happens in many forms. That's life. Unfortunately!!

Melody

LizaJane,
That's very interesting. Something for me to think about
(the stressor part, anyway- not so sure about the 'why not me...".)
A very thoughtful point- thank you.
Mel,
You can say the other word, it just won't post

Thank you Bob:

**** happens in many forms.

See, there I said it. It won't come out, but I said it.

lol
Melody

Liza Jane, I have noticed this so much in my life! A couple of months ago I was at a stressful meeting, but handled it very well. In fact, I was congratulating myself on how well I was handling it as I drove home. Then I cruised right into the side of my garage when I got there! Ha ha! I've been driving into that garage for 20 years and never hit the side. We are all so funny with all of our quirks and foibles. I try to keep my sense of humor about it. I think you are absolutely right about the stress, and I think that the stress of having pain affects us, as well as the stress of coping with the pain, as you said. Even when I ignore the pain, it eventually costs me. Pushing the pain to the back of my mind in order to do something is something I can do fairly often, but I find it very tiring, and it takes it's toll in stress, too. After I do this awhile, I have to lie down and rest. I think what you said should be put in a book for people with chronic pain. It took me quite awhile to figure it out.

You know, Melody, I am so sorry about the problems with your son. I used to look at some families around me and wonder why they had it so easy and life was hard for me. Then I matured and realized that most people have the same types of problems, but some of them pretend to be perfect. I have a son who had a very rebellious personality. When he was in high school we had to send him to military school. He has a good job now and is "doing well", but I can tell that he has issues with relationships. He has never married. Our relationship is cordial but not warm. He has difficulties dealing with his feelings, and I suspect he is a binge drinker. My daughter has sufferred terribly with bipolar illness. We all have our "stuff". Life goes on. You are an inspiration.

Dakota:

How kind of you to share some "personal" stuff with me. It's not easy, is it.
Yesterday I found out that my son is trying to hit up relatives for money. I have never been so embarassed in all my life. He called my sister-in-law who is helping her pregnant daughter through a very difficult pregnancy. He couldn't care less. I do not want to cut all ties with him. I don't think I could do that yet. But it's coming. This much I know. He is only 26 but will not leave his room and is addicted to the virtual game Second Life.

And as surprise, today, his case manager gave me a call. It seems they are going through hoops to try and get him out of his room to go to groups. He won't go unless he gets door to door service. He doesn't want the inconvenience of an access-a-ride service which might pick up other passengers. His case manager says there is an excellent group just suited for him. It's not for aspergers but it's for people with borderline personality disorder, which is pretty much the same symptoms that my son has. Very controlling, can't stand authority, won't work. This case manager is determined to get Frank out and into the real world. I wished him luck but told him "I've done all I can for 26 years, I have no more to give".

He completely understood. But he's determined to get through to my son. Of course I wished him luck. But my health and Alan's health now comes first.

It's actualy the best thing I can do for myself. Hard, but one has to put oneself first sometimes.

So I wish you and your family well and hope you're doing okay today.

I can't sleep and it's 1:33 a.m. I know this has everything to do with speaking to the case manager. Just when I think I can erase him from my mind, I get a phone call and all the stuff just stays in my head.

Haven't had a vacation in over 15 years. Don't think I could do one even if I could. Like I told my friend "I just don't do happy any more". Yes, the muffin lady, who makes every body laugh, well, sometimes I need to make myself laugh even harder.

But I'll get through this. I have Alan and he has me. Alan's family doesn't contact us because of my son. They're afraid of his gambling and that he might show up on their doorstep and both them. Kind of sad actually.

I always wanted to be a mom and a grandma. Oh well, I just go around the corner and play with the babies. Law a beauty last night. He's only 3 weeks old and weighed over 10 lbs. You never saw such a buster.

So I am really lucky with neighbors and friends. Not so lucky with family but that's the way it goes sometimes.

And we do go to Dunkin Donuts and we laugh when one of the neighbors pops in and goes "HI there. Alan says I'm the mayor of the neighborhood.

See, he wasn't very friendly before, kind of shy and introverted. But when your married to me, you can't stay that way. So now he says hi to everybody and they are getting to know my Rocky (as I call him).

He's amazed when he walks around the neighborhood and people greet him.

He was not used to this.

So people do change. Maybe someday my son will have a lightbulb moment and realize what he lost. I really don't think so but I can't let it destroy me and it so very easily could.

So I watch comedies on tv and laugh my head off.

So thanks again for sharing your story.

Take care,

Melody

Hi Melody:

We have a middle aged woman in our extended family that has hit up every member of the family in the past few years. What has eventually happened is that after being conned a few times, NO ONE will give her money or anything else.

I am so sorry you have this great sorrow with your son. However, he is now an adult and responsible for himself even though he refuses to be. It is natural for parents to never want to give up on their children, but in some instances like this one, it becomes necessary.

You and Alan did all you could for this son and now your jobs are to be caring for each other. ((((((((((((((((Melody & Alan)))))))))))))))))))

Shirley H.

Thanks Shirley:

You know, sometimes the best way to be parents is to learn to say NO!!! Call it tough love, whatever, but our kids are not our friends. We don't owe them stuff like bailing them out of jail, giving them free room and board (when they can earn wages etc.). I have many friends who say "but how can you not make Frank come home and you can take care of him"? I respond: "why on earth do I want to take care of a 26 year old that all he wants to do in life is sit in front of a computer and play virtual reality games"?? This computer gaming industry is addicting our youngsters like you would not believe.

Parents, who are not well versed in what their kids are doing, have no idea WHAT THEIR KIDS ARE DOING!! They figure, well the kid is not drinking, or taking drugs, he's inside sitting at the computer. Well, what that kid is NOT DOING is socializing, going out and looking for work.

I have so many friends with alcoholic sons, and another with a 25 year old daughter who just sent a convict in jail $10,000 and when they tried to wrestle the cell phone from her, well, they had to put her in a psychiatric hospital for 5 days. She has no remorse and she goes on and on, "well, so what, so I stole the money from my dad's credit card, so I gave the guy in prison $10,000. The parents just look at themselves.

I said: "why didn't they press charges? I mean she stole from the parents, and the convict (she won't name him), well he got away with $10,000.

What was the answer: "well, they can't put her out, they can't press charges, she's their daughter, so they'll take her home, get her SSI, etc. ".

I have never in all my life heard stories with so many young people going on SSI, having disorders, being addicted. What the heck is this world coming to.

Fifty years ago, my son would have been made to go into the army and they would have made a man out of him. They don't do that today. They just put them on SSI and give them everything. Sometimes, it's necessary, I know this. But really!!! I believe a kid has to earn stuff before they just give him everything.

The world has really changed.

But on a lighter note, did anyone see the new series that premiered last night called "Just for Laughs".??? It's like the old Candid Camera??

Well, I recorded it and I just watched it. I have never laughed so hard in all my life. Forgot all my pain. Just sat their and got hysterical.

So I am planning to laugh as much as I can laugh. It really is the only way I can go through all the crap I go through.

Melody

Hi Melody:

I may get rotten eggs thrown at me, but I am getting tired of hearing everything called an addiction. In "the old days" they were called bad habits.

Shirley H.