Alcohol has destroyed me.

The worse thing is that I had plenty of warnings, which I ignored. This makes me hate myself even more right now.

I began abusing alcohol about 5-years ago.

I was also pulled up on it rather quickly from my wife.

This lead to doctors visits, and multiple 21-day rehabs with various lengths of sobriety.

I lost more and more each relapse until I had lost everything including my wife, friends, job, possessions, family, my health, and my sanity.

I'm now in a 9-month public rehab completely broken and hating life. I can't believe I've lost everything.

I also don't fit in with the people here.

Not trying to sound better than anyone, but most people here are both ice addicts and have come here from jail.

So the "jail talk" shocks me. So does the drug talk.

I feel completely hopeless and that my life is over. I can't stop thinking of what I've lost and I have no idea how I'll ever get over it.

The biggest thing giving me crippling anxiety at the moment is my health anxiety, and it's what lead me here.

The worst part is, that since I have health anxiety I don't know if I'm thinking the worst, making myself feel symptoms I don't have, or I really do have alcoholic neuropathy.

Anyway, after spending a week in hospital about 3-months ago for suicidal thoughts, along with alcohol and Valium abuse I left and continued to drink 10 schooners of beer a day for about ten weeks.

(But I did manage to taper off Valium completely in those weeks.)

During those weeks I started to get pins and needles in my hands, and sometimes my feet overnight.

My hands were also blotchy and red.

Instead of quitting, the only way I knew how to deal with it was to continue drinking, which I did until I checked in to a detox in hospital for a week before coming here.

Funny thing was, after a week in hospital I was feeling amazing and had no pins and needles! Yet that soon changed when I was an anxious mess as soon I started the rehab.

I wanted to run away.

Anyway, I've been here almost four weeks, and in that time my left elbow began hurting, and that numbness, pins and needles, plus burning returned worse than ever to my left hand.

Since it was only in one arm, and on the arm I broke my elbow as a kid which then required further surgery later in life, I guessed that I was using my bad arm more (as there's a lot of cleaning and kitchen duties here) and it was just some overuse issue.

But as it continued I then convinced myself I have alcoholic neuropathy.

I then further convinced myself I wasn't walking properly. Even though I was walking up 4 floors of stairs multiple times a day previously.

So, I feel I need to get properly tested so my mind doesn't keep destroying me.

As really, I don't know if this is alcoholic neuropathy, anxiety, Valium withdraws, or some sort of injury in my elbow.

I'm really hoping tests will be able to diagnose me.

As I'm going insane.

Thanks for reading and would love your thoughts. As my brain is not working. x

Deja-vu for me!

Drink lots of water and juice, get on a vitamin regime to replace all that you have lost, start some mild exercise to keep the muscles moving and, more importantly, try and leave the "drink" at the door.

The first year is tough BUT there is a light at the end of the tunnel for many of us!

Thank you for reading.

I'm guessing you can't really diagnose over the internet, but what do you think of my symptoms?

PN, or could it be something else? (Anxiety, elbow injury, Valium withdraws?)

I'm freaking out so damn hard and don't know how to calm my brain down.

It certainly appears like PN symptoms. The anxiety will most likely heighten the symptoms too.

Hey grifter, welcome. Yeah, anxiety is a sure way to make PN feel even worse. Try to calm down, take stock of the situation, and see what you can do to improve (quit drinking, replenish vitamins, start a healthy way of eating - which is not as complicated as many want you to believe - and keep or start moving a bit (little goes a long way).


Do not fret over the past: you can't change it, not even if you are Superman. You will find people in this thread who have been exactly where you are now (or worse...). We made it work, and we are in no way exceptional people. But we did stay focused, and wanted out/a better way to live.


Indeed we can not diagnose over the internet, but let's say I would be highly surprised if it wouldn't be PN. Some symptoms may be unrelated, or made worse by the PN, but yeah, if I were a betting man...


One tip: don't feel better than the folks who are worse off. For me it helped to be humble: my brain wasn't going to make me better, listening to other people did. Accepting help. And yes, I too learned where to score drugs etc. I too heard stories I had never dreamed of; people setting their house on fire to get attention, some people died while I was there in rehab... Try to filter out the noise, but don't judge them. Focus on you.


Good luck, keep visiting, keep trying. At some point it goes "click" and a new world and future slowly open up. And you will appreciate it even more when you look back and remember the state you are in now.


You can do it.

Hi Grifter. I am glad you found this community and that you are focusing on treatment.

I was warned about my neuropathy after my first 28 day stint in 2016. I didn't stay sober and kept putting poison in my body. Eventually in 2018, I went to rehab again, this time for 4 months. Nothing like waking up in a detox in a massive amount of pain from neuropathy. Anxiety ridden, loss of hope, confused, and lost. That was me.

There is lots of wisdom in Wide-O's post above. Awesome post.

I know this is tough, but I can tell you that it can get a lot better. Everyone's bodies are different but we are resilient. What's key is to stay sober, and to take it easy on yourself.

I can give you insight for what has helped me. In short though it's lifestyle changes. Exercise and diet. Making adjustments. It takes time but it's very much possible.

When I got here I read the entire first thread and this one. So if you havent already I would do some digging. I think you will find some hope in seeing how people have battled for a better life. I know I did.

Hang in there for now. I know you can do it. If you have any specific questions, shoot them out. I'll be back later or tomorrow and can post more of what helped me early on when I was in treatment.

Please do, and one thing that always strikes me...


When people ask me "but how did you DO it" ... I find it's impossible to summarize in a few words. I bet people get frustrated when they hear "be humble, open, look for, and accept help." It sounds like snake oil, right? One of these bloody motivational posters that are all over the internet. "You are a star, like the sun" or some such utterly useless BS. :D



But it is exactly what helped me. I'm not a patient person. I'm an "instant gratification" one. I'm not someone who doggedly keeps trying. I get bored and move on to the next thing. I had no real true reasons to feel "bad", and yet I started drinking like a fish. I had given up diets, or stopping smoking, hundreds of times. No willpower to speak of there... I struggle with how cruel the world can be, and my empathy was killing me. I'm a master in finding excuses. So now you want this type of person to get sober? Good luck!


Unless.. yeah, you accept your intelligence or status plays no role. Knowing stuff doesn't help you. But listening to other folks - both those who are in the same boat, and those who can give you a hand and give some nuggets of info, some survival strategies, some little tricks to get over that first year, the first weeks...


And like you, I also started to listen to people who had made the "journey" to sobriety.



I often think I made it because I felt I was nothing more or less than the worst people I found in rehab. I didn't drink & drive ... yet. I didn't beat up my wife ... yet. I didn't steal ... yet. But the edge was much closer than I liked to think. The "never before 8"s that became "never before 4"s... I think my death was planned for about 2014, maybe 2015. Before that there would only be hell on earth. And I wanted to live.



So don't be disappointed if we don't seem to have the "ultimate" quick answers. We try to describe what we did, how we felt, how we opened up to listen. How we slowly built our bodies & minds up with a healthier lifestyle. I could measure my sobriety in how well I started playing table tennis again. :) I found the little things that got me going - which may be different from yours. It's an active process too, you need to want to see the help that is offered. When someone asked me to make a drawing depicting how I saw sobriety, I could have said "Dude, are you nuts or something? Do I look like I'm 5?" Or just sit down, and let my inner kid (the one who never needed a drink to be happy BTW) do its thing.


My happiest moment was when I could put on my pants while standing up again. There. That was the real progress. A benchmark.



Anyway, hijacking OAF's reply. Over to you. ;)

How you making out grifter? Apologies I had a delay getting back to the thread.

I was mainly going to give some insight into how I have made adjustments through the past 1.5 years. Diet and exercise. My diet is low carb / no sugar. Exercise, I get some form of cardio in every day. Getting the blood circulating is something that is essential for me. Also the release of natural pain killers as a result of exercise helps too.

One of the benefits of this thing is getting to know your body and mind. I think we are a lot stronger than we originally understand prior to getting ourselves into a tough spot.

Everything that I incorporated I have done in small doses. I didnt just wake up and start riding a bike 60 mins a day with a gym membership. My exercise started with barely being able to do 5-10 pushups at a time in detox. I didnt jump straight into a keto diet lifestyle. I slowly removed sugar, then did the same with carbs.

My day is structured in a way that I have to do certain things in the morning to set myself up for success. And then I need to understand my limits and not take on too much later on in the night. Its about adjustments. I think what's tough is everyone is different. And at different ages, with different abilities. But for me I just try to do my best day in and day out. And I have to keep positive. Looking forward always, and never backwards with regrets.

Great post OAF.

3044 days sober!

Married a month now, and I had forgotten how nice it is to have a family that supports despite our brokenness :)

8.5 years later I still have lingering PN issues...mostly just tiredness in the legs and minor balance issues from time to time.

I do NOT miss alcohol at all....