Today, I lost my loving 14 year old mamma Yorkie after much sickness. She had been suffering from chronic kidney failure over 2 years. Every day after diagnosis, I gave her fluid therapy (similar to an IV) special food, and medications. I know she could not have made it as long as she did without this care, but this doesn't help plug the gaping hole left torn in my heart.

I don't know if any of you will understand this or not, but this dog was so special. I have had and loved several dogs in my life very, very much, but she was different. Born at the foot of my bed, to an abused mother, she attached herself to me, almost as soon as she could get out of the birthing box. If she went outside, my husband would let her in and she would race through the house, like a shot, trying to find her person.

Sitting on his lap in our den, she would climb as high as possible on his shoulder and her deep dark eyes would follow me everywhere. He played the cover the eyes game, but she would squirm to get beneath his hands to see me. If I left the room, she was down in an instant, hot on my heels following me wherever I went. Riding in the back seat of the car in her crate, I could feel her eyes watching me, just waiting for me to turn and look at her. If this is not true adoration, I don't know what it is.

I don't know how I am going to get through this, it has me so torn up. I never realized losing a pet could be so painful. When the vet brought the syringe in to put her to sleep, I wished he had brought me one, too... He explained that many times the bond between caregiver and dog forms even tighter in a situation where their life is so dependent on your constant care.

I feel so terrible and guilty. The last few days, I should have gone on and let her go, but with efforts on the part of my vet and constant day and night home care, I thought things would turn around. It was not the kidney issue that caused her to go downhill; they don't know what it was. She was suffering so much, even with constant pain medication, and I should have let her go sooner... Every time I think of that, I see those trusting eyes. She loved and trusted me and in the end, I was selfish and let her down... I could not let her go until I just had to... She paid for my love with pain she should not have had to suffer...

I am hurting so much...

Cathie