.


Dog Rules

1. The dog is not allowed in the house.
   
2. Ok, the dog is allowed in the house, but only in certain parts.
   
3. The dog is allowed in all rooms, but has to stay off the furniture.
   
4. The dog can get on the old furniture only.
   
5. Fine, the dog allowed on all the furniture, but is not allowed to sleep with the humans on the bed.
   
6. Ok, the dog is allowed on the bed but by invitation only.
   
7. The dog can sleep on the bed whenever he wants, but not under the covers.
   
8. The dog can sleep under the covers by invitation only.
   
9. The dog can sleep under the covers every night.
   
10. Humans must ask permission to sleep under the covers with the dog.

It's Me or the Dog

You say you're a dog lover. Then you find yourself in the prickly position of having to choose between your dog and a member of the opposite sex. Hey, we understand. It happens.

You get confused, and who wouldn't? Life is complicated. On the one hand you've got a faithful companion who's stayed with you through thick and thin, rain and shine.

On the other you've got a shady character who looked mighty hot just before the lights went up at bar closing.

And that new person makes it all seem so simple. "It's me or the dog."

You're a dog lover, but that doesn't automatically make you a genius. So to guide you in choosing between a person or a dog ( a decision that you'll have to live with the rest of your born days) we've developed this scientific test. Check A for the Dog or B for the Person. Good luck.

Dog A ... or
Person B

A Drinks tap water
B Drinks your last beer

A Eats dry dog food
B Eats lobster

A Til death do us part
B Til someone else comes along

A Has good teeth
B Needs bridge work

A Requires no disposable income
B Disposes of income

A Wears an $8.99 collar
B Wears an $899 Armani suit

A Doesn't bite
B Bites

A Free to a good home
B Anything free is good

A Carries slippers
B Carries debt at 21%

A Has clean mouth
B Has morning breath

A Requires monthly grooming
B Ties up bathroom daily

A Protects life and property
B Demands security system

A Will pull you from burning house
B Sound sleeper

A In sickness and health
B In good times and money

A Likes to "go for ride"
B Likes to ride in Ferrari

A Loves your children
B Children? How many?

A Likes being petted
B Don't touch

A 100% loyal
B 50-50

A 100% true
B Roll of dice

A Can't cook
B Can't cook

Scoring

For every A checked, score 10 points. For every B checked, subtract 10 points. Scores 100-230: Dog stays, love interest goes.

Scores 0-100: Love interest goes, dog stays.

Scores (-)100- 0: Love interest goes, dog gets treat.

Scores (-)230-(-)100: Dog attacks love interest without mercy.

Excerpted from To Proud to Beg by John T. Olson - order it from Barnes and Noble.