I'm really not sure what I feel. I've been telling myself bull about how I saw things and how I feel about everything for so long.

What I see as my worst weakness is refusing too face my feelings.

This is why therapy can be so useful and important.

If the quality of your life is impaired by these experiences, I hope you do find some help. Life is too short to not do so!

Hi Trying,

The thing about PTSD is that if you don't treat it, it may come and bite you in the behind when you least expect it.

Although I wouldn't presume to compare it to the stress of combat, I was in a terribe car accident. Afterwards, although I had awful anxiety while driving, I'm a pretty tough cookie and I kept saying I was fine with it psychologically.

Months later I was at a friend's and she burnt something on the stove. I guess it reminded me of the smell of the exploding air bags and all of a sudden I was back in the car with the drunk coming at me.

Thankfully this happened while I was standing in a kitchen, not driving or using a blowtorch or something. You never know what will trigger a flashback and they are so vivid that you really will believe you're back at the place where you were traumatized. If it happens to you, you may well believe you're in combat - with all that might entail.

The good news is that PTSD can be treated. While the car will never be my "happy place," after just a few sessions with a psychologist, I'm confident that I won't have anymore flashbacks.

Take care of yourself - you'll be glad you did.

Cheers,
p.s. Thank you for your service.

I don't sense that by refusing to face your feelings you have found a comfort zone. Maybe trying something new will get you on the right tract. I repeat...be kinder to yourself.

I think there is a factor of indoctrination involved with war (which can be similar to that found in cults), and fighting. The military calls it "training". But it is really directed at the bottom line of kill or be killed in a war.

Now I think some people confuse regret with guilt.

Those people with a high degree of empathy and conscience are the ones who cannot accept the killing part of war.
They are better suited to other jobs in the military than infantry, sniping, or dropping bombs.

I think this is a pretty deep subject, and requires some professional counseling with someone who is experienced with veterans. The personal consequences of taking the lives of others is always a huge issue IMO.

My dear Trying,

Everything has been said by my wise friends here... I agree 100% with them... You ARE NOT a monster, you should look for help... etc, they have given you very wise comments already...

I just want to add, I have been suffering the past 2 years with this horrible guilty feeling... it makes me sick, it stress me, it fills me with tics, it fills me with stomach problems, it aggraviates my fibromyalgia... etc, etc, etc... if is an horrendous feeling, so, please, try not to feel this way, I mean, YOU ARE NOT GUILTY, you were doing your job, you were at service and, please, look for therapy... this feeling is consuming...

I was reading the other day some things about guilt... and, something very interesting and true, that has been said actually in this forums to me (about fear in that time) is:

Guilt is something that doesnt exist... we create it with our minds... so, we can also eliminate it I guess... Not easy, but not impossible

So, we are here for you, to listen to you and, yeah, therpay !

Silly guilt Hate that feeling... the worst thing Ive felt.

Hi there, so many deeply felt, wise offers of support here for you. I can only hope to offer a limited perspective from which to offer you some hope. On behalf of all those who have found themselves acting out of the internalized abuser/abuser at some time.....

When horrifying and monstrous things happen, it can become a defense mechanism to take it on as a personal attribute or sense of flawed self as responsible. You have not invented or been the cause of war throughout history of humankind. Perhaps it seems easier to find the flaw in yourself alone, rather than to see that it is also collectively agreed upon by others. There is no way to make sense of the kind of violent realities you described. This is my point exactly. It has gone on since the beginning of time. It seems easier to blame oneself, than to face the incomprehensible, irrational horrors capable of manifesting within human nature. Finding meaning in humankind's craziness by feeling personally responsible for war, is creating war inside yourself, internalizing the process. No one person can take on all of history as a personal responsibility.

My hope for you is that you can choose to stop the internal war against yourself. Let the external craziness be outside where it belongs. There is not much anyone can do. Choosing to love oneself, despite being human and potentially capable [collectively] of both good and evil, both innocent and guilty, both gods and monsters is stopping the war.

We get to choose. If one person stops the internalized oppression/abuser, there is a chance it will make a difference in the collective 'field' outside. I hope you will forgive yourself and use your awareness to help others name the insanity so it might be clearly seen.

Getting caught in playing a role in the insanity of war has fallen to warriors in every epoch of history. This is how I would prefer to see your situation. From my very limited perspective, the only true monsters are those who have no willingness to admit to this insanity we are capable of. The real war you fight now, is to refuse to identify with the dark side of human nature in yourself. Nothing can obstruct true repentance and request for forgiveness within ones own heart, the recognition of sins we might have committed, knowingly or unknowingly, from ignorance of our inherent Wholeness rather than Hole-ness identity.

This Wholeness does not come from outside but from inside. Some call this Grace, Jesus, Light, Love, or whatever Higher Power might be named. It has been, and always will be a mystery. We all have a piece of this light/dark duality inside. Some play it out more than others. Some get to have it played out for them, to them, etc... It is endless. It will go on forever......

I hope you can find some place of inherent goodness within yourself, and focus on this kernel, which is just as valid as the other parts. The possibility of renaming your "case of mistaken identity" once and for all is there. We all have both heaven and hell within us. Please, find someone to help you remember your other parts, your inner heaven, still alive and ready to step forward once again. Best wishes TT

Hello. I agree with the person that pretty much said that if you have to ask, tht means you are NOT a monster. I dont suppose the Green River Killer, or anyone that Ann Rule has written about even bother to ask what people think. They just don't care! So, good for you. That you care. THAT alone says something about you right there! Mykinzie..