I am an ex-mercenary. I have been in fair bit of combat. I was watching a TV crime show with my wife and inlaws over the holidays and it talked about how anyone who can kill another person calmly is a monster, how the worst thing in a modern society is someone who can kill a man and not be consumed by guilt, they all agreed with the TV. I feel incredible pain and guilt for failing to save my best friend, but guilt for killing someone trying to kill me won't come. Am I a monster? if my family could see what I've done as a soldier they would never look at me the same. every day I am scared that they'll ask questions about my experiences/actions, they know I used to be a private soldier, they must know what sort of things I've done, they must see me for the monster I am but they don't say ask or say anything about it. Some dork street punk tried to provoke me during holiday shopping and I couldn't believe it. Couldn't he see in my eyes what I'm capable of? I never yell at my wife or kick the dog, but inside I feel like a monster. How can I deserve to even be in the same room with the people I love? Does anyone have any thoughts on this, good or bad?