I don't know what to do anymore
 

The pain I to much to handle without the tears that just flows
I am trying so hard to suck it up
It hurts so badly
Just so badly
The weather is changing so much
It is killing me
Killing me
It isn't as if
Here is your pain deal with it
My pain are so random
All over
Not just one or two things
My hands and feet never hurt so badly
Must still go to doctors
ongyn for my pap and to bring my youngest
Hate going to doctors
Hate it
Yet I must
Preventive WHAT
I'm full blown screwed
Unable to do one thing without pain
I hate it
Me

Dear Eva,

Here is my hand to hold at your appointment,

Dave.

I totally understand
 

Dear Eva,
My heart breaks for what you are enduring. Please know you have friends here who care about you very much.

I find that, I also go through times when I think I cannot take it anymore. I allow my self to feel bad, to cry.......I curl up in bed for a few days and watch Netflix movies to distract myself....just get away from the world. I know that is hard with your daughter, I don't have kids but sometimes kids need to know Mom hurts and they need to fend for themselves for a day or so.

But then, I get work at trying to figure out, WHAT CAN I DO TO FEEL BETTER.
I try to find out SOMETHING, ANYTHING I might be able to control.

My latest "project" is trying to control inflammation in my body by what I eat. I stopped eating all the terrible junk food I had been soothing myself with through this terrible winter....I dropped all the cookies and pastries and heavy pasta and heavy dairy and fatty meats( I know!!!! It was difficutlt) I am eating mainly highly vegetarian diet but my holistic doc who is guiding me said I need to have some good quality protein, good fish, lean meat, some eggs. I have been drinking wheatgrass juice, 2 ounces twice a day and drinking green vegetable juice 2-3 x a day( cucumbers, celery, pea sprouts, many green vegetable and fresh ginger. ) I have learned an alkaline body is better than an acidic one.

my motivation for this big change in my diet is a health issue we have in common. I recently learned I have breast cancer. As a matter of fact, I am in the hospital right now waiting for some tests before my surgery tomorrow( a lumpectomy).

Please know I am thinking of you and pray you find some respite from the pain.
I know when things are darkest it is hard to summon the strength to do anything.
If you are so inclined, do pray for yourself. My pain doc said it has been proven that praying affects brain chemicals in a positive way. He told me when pain is highest or I am most stressed to keep saying the Lords Prayer, over and over again. I do and it has helped.

All my best, D.

Eva and Diandra,

Two great friends I cannot do without. I wish you both love and luck with your procedures. Life puts up barriers, you are strong enough to keep knocking them down.

Dave.

My dear friend
You are on the right track
If I had to follow one
You are also correct about inflammation
The first sigh
My taste has picked up on the sweets
I am sure it is the opiates
Trying to get regular
You know how a body can feel if no good
elimation
Sorry
The truth
I too conscious about a healthy way of eating
that mostly out the window
My routine to three meals a day for me is a joke
It's like pulling teeth asking my seventeen year
old to open up a can of Campbell bean and bacon
soup that would sit for a while
Just saying
I am going to take the latter of your suggestion
I love The Lords Prayer
Thank you
Be well in everyway
Love
Me

Eva....have been thinking of you. How have you been?
I know eating well is an enormous challenge, not only the energy to prepare food but just the planning and shopping and with the cost of food today, the financial drain is brutal.
You are in my prayers.
Diandra

my dear friends
 

since the loss of my job
a municipal employee
with overnight hours and
medical benefits
i am currently in the process of
having to accept that i no longer
can work
i couldn't have asked for a better position
that was including my mayor
i no longer live in the city i grew up in
46 years
and just a couple of towns over
my now mayor Sacco and former mayor and
employer Stack
just kissed and made up
in a sense i am getting better at getting information
on the laptop than a newspaper
how i miss reading the paper
not that i couldn't get it delivered
but it too falls into a very tight budget
waitress-ing most of my
the best years did not give me a good
working history hence a cleaning lady also
monies that i could have in pocket at all times
my children did not know we were poor
i am able all my life as God had allowed it
managed
always managed
keep a very nice zen feel in my home
as more than one visitor would refer to it
this makes me happy
as this is my achievement always
April of this year i lost my medical benefits
and most importantly a reason to get up for
most people in the world do
work
i miss my get away from home
and my old routine when Corissa was a baby
it came full circle with her as it was when i divorced my ex-husband
hence my decision to stay single till they grew
well their not done growing
they are 34,32,33,17 and my grandchild 4
5 children of my own blood
and two other children as a cleaning woman for the snooty
rich witches want to be would eventually would quit
after telling them off
point
two of my customers
one who had a difficult infant daughter
for mother
her first child older than myself
and her daughter Gabrialla fell in love with me
and then there was Zackary
both parents heroin addicts
new him while in mommies belly
until he was 7
then my children grown where i
could work days in the corporate world
did that
bought a house with a single mother
friend
while i had a short lived deli in Hoboken N.J.
it was all happening
our lives in a better place
moved out of my mothers and purchased one with
my then friend Dawn

now
all of what i wrote is when i was at my prime
sober in my late thirties
all my life working
then i became pregnant
Corissa became ill at 3 and a 1/2 months old
kidney
i have written about this i am sure

anyhow
my not to long ago
almost two months when my boss mayor
buddy pal
held accountable at all he does
tells me he cannot any longer extend my "leave without pay"
with the hope of one day returning
remember i had a sweet job
and when he called me and said
"Eva, i cannot extend your leave anymore"
i felt and knew that day was going to come sooner or later
and i said
"Brian thanks for all you've done, just let me remind you,
you can do most anything, your a politician

so grieving over that
it too shall pass

now i am almost set with my secondary
it is a program that works with medicare
it is offered here in N.J.
needless
it is difficult in many ways
we receive food stamps
Corissa and my granddaughter have
New Jersey FamilyCare medicade
SS just covers the monthly bill obligations
child support half towards the rent and the rest
on her needs
most time in the last week of the month
checking account generally has no more than $15.00
in it
and i thank and pray we can still have a roof over our head
this will also include my cost of meds
and i have mentioned somewhere
the help of a non-profit organization
called "AngelCare"
and has gotten me a great secondary
and the insurance for my daughter and granddaughter
is a huge relief
i will not lie
it has never been so bad
as it is at this point in my life
so,
i will try and do my best
and say thank you for all of your concerns
i pray you all do not have to experience
a loss of a good job a sense of identity
in God i Trust
all in Jesus name
the Son of God
Amen

Dear Eva,

Thank you for opening up your life to us, it makes it easy to understand the heartache. Because of your example, I am able to open myself up to our Members like never before - and that encourages others to seek the warm comfort of the Friends here and the advice that is freely given.

Unlike you, I am not able to write it all down yet - there are still events I think I am going to wake up from and find they have only been a bad dream. Perhaps, in time, I will be as brave as you and reveal everything. I know it would be better than the agonising rats of despair gnawing at my mind and self-worth.

Until then, know that our unspoken Bond ties us tightly, thousands of miles cannot diminish our Friendship.

Dave.

Memorial day weekend
 

My granddaughter going out with her dad today