My child's final breath-
 

Today marks 7 years since I laid beside my Amy,and felt her final breath on my face.I just wanted to breath it in,and never forget it.I laid with her awhile,I knew her pain was gone,but mine was just beginning.I was just 41,I should have been the one to die,not my daughter.I had somehow survived a deadly case of G.B.S., was not expected to live,in fact I "died" 3 seperate times, but was revived each time,not easily I was later told.So when my daughter did die,I right away knew what was happening to her,she left her tired,painful,diseased shell of a body,and was looking down on me,and she was so happy and totally pain-free.But I was selfish,I wanted her to come back to me.The nurses left her in that bed,and we,her family, had to pack up her belongings in the room,while she laid there,looking like she was sleeping.I wonder if that is how it is done in other hospitals-do they leave your loved one laying there,as they ask the family to pack up the room?I miss her soo much,and think of her everyday.Does time really heal?No,not really. Time will never heal me,it just changes my sobbing to crying,but it has not healed my heart.A mom should never out-live her child.I survived my illness,just to watch my child fight cancer for 19 months,then watch her die.Why? I had to plan her service all alone(my husband ignored it all,went back to work,left me alone)sometimes it felt like she was telling me things,like when I selected all of the songs for her service,all of them one after the other,not even thinking,just writing what came into my head.I wrote her eulogy,myself,on the morning of her funeral,it just came pouring out,all that I wanted to say in it.Then at the service,I stood at the front,in the room full of 500 people who loved and knew her,and read her life-story,by myself.It was the last time I would be able to brag about my Amy,to so many people.After the service,I asked my husband to stay by me,to please don't leave me.When the recieving line started,I looked to my husband at my side-but he was gone,he had left me alone. When the funeral director asked if they could deliver all of the flowers to the retirement lodge,I selfishly said they could't,I said I wanted ALL of them to come home with me,afterall,they were for Amy,not anyone else,and I knew I would find some comfort having them with me. We live 15 miles from town,on an acerage.I grew Lillies out here,and Amy loved the STAR GAZER flowers,and they are usually all finished by then,but on the morning of her funearl,september 15, I went to the lilly patch,and there in front of me,was one final blooming lilly-a perfect STAR GAZER.I took it ,and placed it on her casket, the only flower on her casket,but it meant more than buying any flowers to put there.I am sorry for this long story-but its the day that I allow myself to go back and think of this day.I hope it can help someone,with their sorrow.When she was little,at bedtime one night,as I tucked her in,she told me I was her beautiful flower,and I told her that she was my heart.So with every note,letter,card we gave to each other,we signed them with a heart,and a 5 petal flower.I don't know how to put pictures on the computer yet,so I have no flower,just this heart.

I'm so sorry for your loss. You're right.....a mother should never have to bury her child.

My DH planted Stargazer Lilies before he passed. They bloomed every July....about the date of his passing. I loved those beautiful flowers and they were like a reminder from him that life goes on and I was supposed to make the most of it....the best I could.....without him beside me.

I know how difficult anniversaries can be. Just treat yourself kindly and know that your baby is watching over you.

I have to say, this was one of the most moving posts I've read in a long time.

I am one of those awkward people, who become so emotional inside that I sometimes don't know how to verbalize things or respond.

So I went and found your Lily online and made an avatar sized one for you too. You don't HAVE to use it, but if you choose to,
it is there for you.
The larger one might fit into your signature.

They should upload without needing any changes for here.
Or you can use them in any other way you like.

I hope this is the same lily.:hug:

Thank you for sharing these feelings with the posters here.
Everyone eventually goes thru losses, and you have a real gift for stating yours in a way that will help others as well.

I am so sorry for the loss of your dear daughter, prairiemary. :hug:

You didn't mention how old she was. Doesn't matter because you are right: we should never have to bury our children.

I am so sorry your husband didn't know how to comfort you or be comforted. Sounds like he just wanted to escape and could, because you took care of everything.

So glad that your daughter helped you to know what songs to use. And those stargazer flowers! They are phenomenal! I haven't seen them bloom here in the southwest.

Praying you will be comforted on this most difficult day. :hug:

Dear Mary,

Thank you for sharing on such a difficult day for you. I read your post with tears in my eyes and then ran and hugged and hugged my own little girl. I really can't imagine anything more painful or unfair than losing a child.

I hope, in time, that you can find comfort in her memory and in the knowledge that you were - and still are a fabulous mother.

Thinking on You :hug:

(((((prairiemary))))))

I am struggling to find words, so will simply offer you my deepest sympathy.
My heart just aches for you...........


http://www.ladylaila.net/blog/image/candle01s.gif

(((((prairiemary)))))) I am so sorry for your loss of your loving daughter. No mother should have to go through what you have gone through.

I'm so sorry for your loss. The pain from the loss of a child is the greatest. My parents lost two of my siblings and I'll never forget the pain I witnessed them going through.

Your daughter blessed you and left you with many great memories, but I'm so sorry she left this world too soon. God bless you and your family. :hug:

I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to know what you went through. But I would like to think that she is still with you each day, especially these days that are even harder for you to go through. As you said, she is your heart. Thank you for sharing your precious story with us. :hug:

Kitty-when I saw all of the page full of Stargazers,I just bawled and bawled! How very special,to give these to me,on my sadest day.Thanks for caring soo much!

Dear MrsD-I cried when I saw the page of Stargazers,the I cried some more when I saw that you took the time to make me an avatar!!!!!!! Such a sweet thing for you to do! As soon as my husband is on days off, he is going to set it up for me, so I can use it!! Thanks again!!

I'm just now reading this thread..and my heart aches for you prairiemary. :grouphug:

((((((Mary)))))))

I was able to add the avatar that mrsD made for you

:hug:

DEAREST CHEMAR! I have been leaving messages with my nt friends,trying to find out who did this for me!! How can I ever,ever thank you? The nicest gift I could ever wish for,a stargazer for my Amy! Thanks,thanks,thanks!!Does mrsD know you did this for me,from the lilly she sent to me? I am sure she will me happy that you did it! I am not yet smart enough to do things like that on my computer,but I will keep learning.Thanks again!

I can totally relate. September 14th was the 9th anniversary of our daughter's death, she was 16 and was taking a shower when she collapsed and died instantly. We still don't know why. My husband also planted stargazer lilies and we consider them to be Courtney's flower.
My son is getting married in November and I'm making the wedding flowers. I'm adding a silk stargazer into each bouquet.

I am soo sorry that you lost your daughter-I know how you feel. I always wonder,is it easier when you have the time to say goodbye,or is it easier all of a sudden,but have decided both ways are awful.Has your husband been by your side thru your grief,and has it affected your marraige somehow? The stargazer connection is so ironic! I am sure that when you are making the wedding flowers,you will have tears,but I think that is such a special way to include your daughter in your son's special day! Do you have other children?I have 2 other daughters,and now have 2 grandsons,but it does not take away the pain of loosing my Amy.

PrairieMary, Yes, my husband has been with me ever since Courtney's death. Our grief has brought us closer, we just celebrated our 30th anniversary and Courtney has been gone for 9 years now. It's so hard to believe that she's been gone that long. Yes, I agree... I will be crying the whole time I'm making the flowers, and as I watch the bride walk down the aisle.
Courtney and Chris (my son) were my only children. I lost four other babies due to miscarriages. You're right, having other children doesn't take the pain away. And sometimes it kind of makes it worse because you remember what you are missing. The family is incomplete.

Hugs to your PrairieMary... we can so relate to what each other is feeling.

I send you hugssss and more hugssss

I lost a daughter, and no matter which way it happens it is hard! My baby girl was inside me... not a miscarriage.. but full term pregnancy and she stopped kicking.... we grieved together hubby and I as I labored for 9 hours to deliver her. she was precious... I have five other children but yes nothing or noone replaces the loss....

hugsss we just lost our oldest sister to cancer, last October... and I have been grieving htat the past few weeks....anniversaries are tough...

I have tons of those flowers in my garden they are so very pretty, as I am sure your daughter was too! hugsssss,sarah

((prairiemary)) I'm so very sorry for your loss.

memory
 

you asked if you felt your daughter when planning her funeral - in my opinion i beleve you did - especially if you felt them.
they come to us when they feel we need them.

as for your husband everyone grieves in there own way, its possible he wasnt ready to do that.