i will just go back with out of control
 

my sleeping is horrid. my thoughts are horrid. i have no energy. my eating is out of control. my spending is out of control. i seem to having trouble with my irritability and anger. at least i learned something about martin luther who was probably bipolar and later in life a huge anti Semite whom Hitler would quote. I don't get why the roman catholics of his time just went with him.
i just use the word Gaba.
i have been listening to baroque music which isn't helping. I was trying to read a prayer book but aby keeps on knocking it off. i am very angry at myself for not doing the p.t. exercises. i lately seem to have no self control.

Bobby what happened? you were doing better?
love you bizi

I don't have a clue. i was raging yesterday. I didn't dare call any of my friends.
zeynep's sister is dying of cancer. The other day she called and talked about a half another about Peri. I freak everytime I get an email from her. Linda's eldest son had a pancreas transplant so she is terrified of his dying from the virus. I couldn't call Kathy because I know she loves me but can get me upset. I kept on thinking of all the self absorbed and selfish people. They fill me with rage right now. I didn't want to bother Joyce. I was a beast yesterday. I just can't stand the isolation.
love
bobby still filled with rage and little sleep.

thank God I AM AFRAID OF GOD.

Left untreated, symptoms usually worsen, with 39% of people with bipolar disorder eventually being hospitalized—more than any other mental health condition! And people with bipolar disorder are 15 times more likely to attempt suicide than the general population.

surprise i just checked how much my k cups cost. they were about 6 dollars cheaper. i can't believe it. bought two. then i saw the gaba was cancelled. i did buy Inositol. I had read that I use little moo moo coffee creamer and they went up from 9 dollars to 38. dollarsi Gaba could interfere with your blood pressure. Maybe things are changing.
i have never been a jealous person but lately with this isolation I am jealous of people who are having fun and not alone.
i screwed up ordering from fresh. i bought so many bags of greens by accident and i bet most will rot. i also ordered more chocolate and i had potato chips. totally out of control.
yes I have been praying. i do believe the more you suffer the more you get closer to God. It is almost the easy way. I so wish I had Suri to talk to. Alice was a dear and helped with Zoom. She is the opposite of self absorbed besides being brilliant and kind. I couldn't call her yesterday. She worries about me. Now her two kitty cats are sick.

Bobby

I'm sorry its so bad right now. I don't have any answers. I'm wondering if when
it starts to get so bad. If screaming would help. Also I'm thinking maybe
instead of calling Alice for help you could think about calling her to listen
about her kitty cats see if maybe you could help her.
I do realize that isn't exactly helping you, But I think you will find it will
help you. Maybe not with what you need but some things.

Donna

it would help me a lot. a couple of days ago i spent over 20 minutes listening to her update about her kitties. i think it is too soon to hear the latest update.
i will probably call linda today. she recently had a double mastectomy. soon she is going to have something done with her knees i think she will have gel injected into them.
love
bobby

i just got a call and getting another therapy from spop. she will call me in a week or two.

I am sorry that linda had to have a double mastectomy....poor thing. How is she doing. did they take lymph nodes too?
Has it spread any where?
bizi

I hope I'm not being annoying but here's a good drug interaction checker bobby...
It asked me to switch off my ad blocker though. Sometimes people get in my ear about taking this and that but they don't always realize that some things just can't be taken together. I always try to run stuff like that past my docs, especially when it's a delicate balance such as mood related.

Drug Interactions Checker - For Drugs, Food & Alcohol

I sure hope you can get some calmer time soon and also catch up on some good nights of sleep.

i don't think it has spread. this is her third time. she knows so much about cancer and worked at dana farber for 25 years. she had a wonderful childhood so she is very strong. her father was a top labor lawyer and jack and bobby kennedy would come to her house. her mother and father would dance and sing in the house.
she is so worried abut her eldest son who had a pancreas transplant. he is a goner if he catches the virus.
love
bobby

thanks so much. will bookmark it.

i feel better. i haven't been reading my regency romances and i think they calm me down.

If this is her third time with breast cancer. Then its the time for the
double. That is for sure. It will be better after. Not sure if like me
she will chose to have no implants or go for the implants. But I'm
not sorry I did the double and no implants. I'm very happy now
with my life as it is.

Now I hope her son stays healthy and does well were he is at.
I'm guessing he is taking it slow and watching his health as best as
he can. Many with the situation he is in are.

Donna:grouphug::hug:

i didn't realize you too had a double. so sorry. her son doesn't want to live in a bubble.
love,
bobby

can't blame him really!
bizi

Bobby

Yes, I choose that over one, and then in say 6 months having to have
a mammogram and the other. Which was what happened.

Because I had a infection in the non cancer side. But then I had
the other one out right after the mammogram, so it was fine.

I had planned one surgery and that was to be it. So I ended up
with two and that was okay. Other than I had to have a blood
transfusion the next morning because I had a problem with
the incision and it bleed through. I then spent almost if not
a week in the hospital that time, because I couldn't get the strength
to walk or go down the hall. My surgeon wasn't sure what was up.

But he took my word that I just wasn't able to return to normal yet.
Or walk or get up but to go to the bathroom. Finally I got to the point I
could. And walked the hall and things. So he sent me home the
next day. I have always had good doctors and surgeons when I said going
home wasn't something I could do they listened.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

they must have just wanted to keep you there instead oftaking you to a rehab place. glad that you recovered so well. do you still have lymphedema in one of your arms?
bizi

what an ordeal.
love,
bobby

Bizi

I will have lyphema in both my arms probably for the rest of my life.
But its not to bad right now. So that is a blessing to me.

I am working pretty good with it right now. So we will see how it
goes.

Donna

my new therapist seems lovely .I can't wait until next Tuesday to talk to her again. My depression and anxiety are in full force. I dread tomorrow when the p.t. comes and I have to tell him that I haven't been doing the exersizes .Except for a few times I can't make myself do them. so out of control.
I feel pressure talking to my two volunteers. I want to be interesting.

Bobby

First, make sure you explain to your PT why you couldn't do
your exercises in the beginning. That you were just way
to tired because you couldn't sleep pretty much at all.
And that you just pretty much had to just eat, go to bathroom,
and relax, and try to sleep. And of course make some other
changes but you don't have to explain those unless you want.

Your PT will be fine when you explain that. Your exercises
are to be done when you feel good, and when you can safely
do them. And that wasn't a time when you could. You also
started them right away when you were refreshed from
sleep and could. Also your volunteers will do most of the talking
if you let them. And they call because they want to. Don't
worry about what you need to talk about.

Donna

you can talk to them like you "talk"
to us. you don't need to be interesting.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

i do think i need to be interesting. i don't want to bore them. Aaron should start hearing from the graduate school maybe next week. I have been praying hard for him. he is such a nice guy.
i had a long chat with kathy who knew my mother. it was very interesting and we didn't disagree. She said Sandro is now having difficulties with thoughts about his parents. They have a wonderful marriage.
I still don't have a clue why I am so angry and feel so unstable. I have got to start reading again my regency romances. They put me in a good mood.
I am going to search for an antihistamine that might help me sleep at night.
Aby was so affectionate this morning. i am no longer afraid of taking baths. I haven't fallen since oct 5.
some place i read that bipolar can get worse with age and life span is shorter.

ITs so nice when the kitties are nice and ready for attention.
I'm glad you are safe in the tub. Please though keep making
sure you are, as I know you are. I'm guessing that no matter
how much you worry you are still very interesting on the phone.
Or any other way you talk to people.

You always are here. And I'm so glad you have nice people to
talk to. Also glad you are back in your books.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

just plain old benadryl generic form works for my hubby,
he takes 1-2 at night it is not perfect but helps him to

sleep also sleepy time tea helps and listening to the
staaatic on his noise eliminators to drownout my

snoring works for him.
He runs walk every morning since may of last year.
It has been cold so he wears a heavy coat,
he also feeds cats treats along his walk. He said he doesn't see any when it is really cold. It is supposed to be in the 60's today and pretty blue skies.
bizi

it was getting out of the tub i was terrified of and had to hold on to the sink. i fell when my hands slipped and hit my head. i had asked for a bar before but they wouldn't get me one. finally after my senator called they let me chose a bar rail for the tub and even installed a bar for the toilet.then the super even got the same one for his 82 year old father. if you know any old people make them get a bar rail or whatever it is called. it installs right on the tub..
you are so sweet. these guys are really sharp and so with it. I use a lot of my psycholgy background to try to make them feel better. I try so hard to shut up about my problems. it is a shame though they are not into historical romantic novels. I started asking Aaron about notes from the underground which i stopped reading. i made a mistake sam was reading it lol
i had mentioned to aaron that napoleon wasn't short for his time and then aaron said the british spread the rumor. i think i mentioned that
i am isolated and only go outside for doctors and obviously never have any plans. i don't dare talk about my friends' problems.
of course I do talk about my kitties. they are so very affectionate. i think part of it is i spend so much time petting and scratching them. they really are gorgeous and Aby is so sharp.
love
bobby

i really have a horrible sleeping problem an no medication has helped. i know if i got some good sleep life would be easier. i used google the best one to help one slept. the generic one never did anything.
Jeff sounds perfect you are so lucky. i bet he is thin now. pudge won't eat any treats.
the exterminator came and said things are better. the roaches really upset me and he won't use a spray because of the kitties.
i am finally enjoying a book again. i did read an interestinging one about martin luther who as he got older was the biggest anti Semite. we have talked about that. aaron isn't jewish.
love
bobby
i do follow the stock market every day but refuse to talk about. they both know how extremely liberal i am. aaron doesn't like to talk about politics but thinks democracy is safe. he just thinks the repetious news is just sensational but does follow the bbc and the guardian.

jeff also takes 100mg of CBD. which he thinks is helpful and smells like pot.The 50mg bottle did not smell like pot. 100mg is a strong dose.
It is expensive but any thing that helps with sleep is worth it.
bizi wish you slept better!

this is the second time I wrote to Zeynep how strong and kind she was. I wrote her this morning ho I marvel about it. She has been taking great care of her sister Peri dying of breast cancer. she had also taken care of her ex husband who never tried her well when he was dying.
She answered to me this morning and said Peri died last night. I wrote back and said Peri is at please now. i said i was afraid to call her right now but for her to call me. I wrote that I think it would help.
I had called kathy the other day and asked her what she thought. I said I had loved my mother so much when I was young and naive but I am going to remember those feelings and thought i should forget everything but that I loved her. three months before she died she had myra dial and she told me she loved me and i told her I loved her. I so need to heal. kathy had trouble with her mother but would talk about it with her.

I am glad that you got to speak to your mother before she she died. Did she have an illness?or was she just old?
bizi

I'm so sorry your friend Zeynep sister died. Sending her prayers.
And I am sure when things settle and she has time she will
call you.

I think you do great with your memories if you can start to just
remember you loved your mom.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

my mother was 87 and wanted to die. she stopped talking two days before she died. she was always a very healthy woman.

i think she was too shattered to speak to me and that is why i didn't call her.

yesterday and during the night was awful. linda called and talked about her close friend who died a couple of days ago from cancer that she was battling for five years. then she talked about another close friend who noticed her toes were gray and then her leg was turning gray. she went to the er and they called for i think an orthopedic guy. she was hungry and didn't wait an got something to eat. she went back the next day and they amputated her leg and then had to amputate further because of gangrene. Then something awful was wrong with her heart vessel and she died. all sorts of things are wrong with Linda. i forgot to ask her how she is healing from her surgery.
I kept on thinking of Zeynep but i know she is being comforted by one of her daughters who also helped big time with Peri. She will see her grandson whom she deeply loves loves and he deeply loves her. She is definitely not alone. i won't call yet but will send her another email. I will call her next week if she doesn't call me. She wanted Peri to die to stop the suffering. I am hoping a part of her is feeling some release. i don't know if her daughter in Switzerland will come for the funeral. the daughters hate each other fiercely.
I still have a stomach ache but i will try to do the exercises. my legs and back feel worse.
my kitties are perfect.

i don't know what to write. zeynep wrote , I will call you as soon as I can control my emotions and deal with my pain. . Take care , stay safe ,love Zeynep

i am afraid the pain won't go away and i don't know to respond. She is a very strong woman.

i just wrote her that Peri couldn't have had a better or self sacrificing sister as her.

Bobby

You can also tell her that if she can call even though the pain is
still there. You are there no matter what. You would love to
listen to whatever she needs to talk about. Even if its the pain
she is in with the loss of her sister.

And when she feels like telling the good things she remembers
you would love to listen to those too.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

i have already offered and she said no. i will listen to her. she knows my thoughts are with her and she most definitely likes to be in control. i am so sure she is with her daughter comforting each other in private. i don't want to be intrusive and not listen to her. She will call me when she is really.
finally was able to take 2 hour nap.

She is grieving...wait for her to call you is the right move. She knows you care about her and that is whats important. She will call you soon I believe.
bizi
sorry about you sore legs.

I didn't mean for you to call her. Just to be there for her when
she does.

Not sure what I said made sense now.

Donna :hug::grouphug:

i just listened to zeynep for a long time. peri didn't want to die. they sent her to a horrid hospital and they will send a complaint. sloan kettering wouldn't take her. Zeynep finally had her taken to her daughter's house. she had so many things she still wanted to do.
i told zeynep that no matter what time it was, if she needed to talk to promise me to call.