URGENT HELP Ever feel "inability to stay focused?"
 

I'm at work now and I am having a real hard time staying focused for more than 10 seconds. I'm thinking I want to have someone drive me home.
Physically I feel normal. Just can't stay focused on one task. Can't think straight. Have to think hard about what I'm doing and what to do next. Not normal... I've been doing this job for 30years!

Had a LOT LOT LOT of stress over the weekend. Kids are out of control!
Any suggestions? Ideas Input?

I'm feeling nauseous and trouble focusing my eyes...
 

Just have done all the "no brainer" stuff, and don't want to make any mistakes on the stuff I have to focus on. Feel like I am not "here" enough to do what needs to be done.

What kind of leave can I take where I can get full pay and take some time off work? Like medical leave? I have about 6 vacation days. I think I need two weeks or so to get my health together. My daughter is making my life crazy and I need to get it under control. The stress is making me sick and I have to deal with it.

Usually work is a detraction for me, but this time I am really overwhelmed by the whole thing.

Not sure about your position
 

Can you take an emergency medical leave? And perhaps get some help with your daughter, maybe a relative. Stress alone will make it hard to focus on what you are doing.

Billye

Focusing, for me has either....
 

been due to new stresses or the addition of a new medication or a titration up on a medication dose I'm already on. Obviously one has happened, but has the other?
The two combined well....means trouble for you.
When I was on neurontin, well, I had the attention span of a gnat! Topamax-I got the brain back, but it did little for the pain. I'm now on Keppra and that's my balance drug. No I didn't get 'keppra rage' on it. I lost my cool when I went on a cancer AI...now THAT is another story!

Is there a friend who could take on the kids for a 1/2 day on one of your days off? Just so you can wind down yourself? That could be a blessing I would think!

Hope you can get it all under control - j

Daughter IS the stressor!
 

Daughter is 20, "her" daughter is 4... MY daughter is being irresponsible and very permiscuous and not responsible around her own daughter. Lots of drama with the father of the baby... who is a good daddy and has been in her life all along. Daughter pays rent and is on the lease.
Daddy came and picked up the little one and is threatening to take the little one away because little one says she got up and went into mommys room and slept in bed with mommy and mommy's lover. I told my daughter NEVER to let that happen! Bring little one to my room to sleep with me if she wants to sleep with an adult! Daughter says she wasn't aware that her daughter climbed into the bed.... bla bla bla... daughter shouldn't have had lover spend the night when her daughter was there! HOUSE RULE! I had fallen asleep and didn't catch it.

Drama drama drama... now my ex-husband, myself and the baby's daddy are all upset with my daughter. I have to live with her. I don't want a custody battle to ensue with the baby's father. They have never been married. I have basically raised little one since her birth. However, the stress of MY daughters behavior is getting to be too much for my health! Can't send her to her fathers house, he is re-married with a wife and two small children and his wife will not allow her to come into their home because she has caused too many problems in their marriage. Daughter does not make enough money to survive out on her own with her daughter!

You have some options here. Hard ones yes, but you do have options. The guilt is what's eating you up. You don't really like having your daughter live there. That's what is destroying your health. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.

What are your options?? You either give the baby to the father (for a short time) until your daughter gets her act together.

Now the second option isn't pretty. You evict your daughter. The mere fact that she had a man in her bed while living in your house (well that would do it for me) but the fact that the baby saw this, well, it's a no-brainer. This is called tough love. It's tough and it's love.

Alan and I used to go to Tough Love meetings every single week for years. You hear lots of things and you learn not to enable. It's very hard on parents but if the kids are ever to grow up and assume responsibility, well, if they never learn to do this, they never do it.!!!! Simple as that.

Is this easy??? Of course not!!! Is this necessary??? If you want to maintain your sanity, well, you have to find a way to make SOMETHING happen. Your daughter is not going to just get up and move out. She has it good, why should she, you take care of her child. She's learned she can do this and you'll take over.

Please don't think I'm trying to hurt you or be mean, but when you've been to as many support groups and tough love meetings as I have, well, you learn lots of stuff and lots of coping mechanisms.

You need to concentrate on your health. Stress is a killer.

Reminds me of when my girlfriend Barbara did a favor for her daughter-in-law's brother. He had a baby with a girlfriend and the girl's mother would not let him move in with the girl and her baby. He was an ex-con.

So what did my friend do?? She let him live in her mom's basement. He promised he would fix it up, he did have a job and he did pay her $300 a month. She felt sorry for him. What did he do??? He sneaked in her kitchen one day, jimmied the back door and went up to her bedroom and robbed her.

She went crazy. She thought she was doing a good thing but it backfired.

We, as parents, want to do the right thing by our children, but when it involves our own well-being, well sometimes we have to put ourselves first.

I have learned to do this. So has Alan. And hopefully, so will you!!!!

We all have our circumstances. But, if the baby's daddy is a good guy, maybe your daughter needs to learn a lesson here.

I am most certainly not trying to be intrusive or butt in. But since you did post and you need help, and I'VE LIVED THIS, BELIEVE ME, I'VE LIVED THIS, we have to help each other out here.

At least consider some options and get yourself some stress free space.

Sincerely,
Melody

Couple of thoughts . . .
 

I would suggest that you consult with a clinical psychologist or psychiatrist. Being a psychologist, I am a bit partial perhaps . . .

The idea being -- they could put you on temporary medical leave for "stress." You do not appear to have a "physical" condition that makes you eligible at this time. But "stress" or something similar is just as good in terms of qualifying. I believe you are in CA, and there are state laws covering this.

I had occasion to do this for a number of my patients over the years - sometimes I was the one who suggested this course and sometimes it was the patient asking for it. I rarely refused to do so, and I don't think you would have a problem. Most shrink-types really want to help and I think most would probably feel that it would be appropriate to do so for you at this time.

Also, you could benefit by learning some specific techniques to help you let go of stress and stay relaxed as well as being able to keep focus. In general, I would say psychologists have better training to do these kinds of things, although there certainly are psychiatrists around who also specialize in this area, without trying to just throw meds at folks (psychologists are not authorized to prescribe medication).

If you were able to find such a professional you really liked, then you might benefit from a little therapy that would help you sort through your situation, enabling you to figure out what you need to do. In case you don't know this -- any good therapist will not just tell you what to do . . . you need to be the one to figure that out. But sometimes throwing a little more light on the path can help, or perhaps stepping aside and looking at things from a different perspective, and so forth, can really trigger your own wisdom and skills to work effectively.

rafi

Seams:

When I read Rafi's posting, I realized the first thing I should have said was "see if you can speak to a therapist about your current situation".

Rafi said exactly that!!!

Way to go Rafi!!!

Mel

foar your daughter
 

I highly suggest this book: The Good Mother, by Sue Miller. It's a painfully good novel about a woman who loves her child dearly, but who, because of indiscretions with her lover, lost her to father who had money and stability because of the indiscretion.

http://amazon.com/s/ref=nb_ss_gw/002...he+good+mother

First of
 

all LJ is 100% right that is one good book.
And Rafi's right you really need to get help with stress relief. I had to do
this and i'm so glaad i did. We know how much you love your kids
but now you must come first. So hard to put yourself first,mothers
seem to battle this even when they grow up. I know your worried about
the little one,and she needs you as healthy as possibal.
Try and find a good Psychologist,my daughter-in-law a Psychiatrist would
more than agree. So many blessings coming your way. :hug: Sue

Hugs! First you can't help others if your struggling with your own issues. If your not mentally or physically healthy you can't be there for your family. So I'm sure hard but right now you need to be number 1. Now I'm not a mom but I'm in my 20's and I know when I was having issues in the past and not being responsible my mom had to stop helping me. She would be there for me to support emotionally but not to allow me to continue down a bad path like enabler. I know its a tuff spot for you because of your grandchild. I do think your d needs limits and expectations. I know you say she doesn't have enough money and can understand needing help but that help should come only if she is responsible. If that means working 2 plus jobs. It sounds like your the peace keeper and I bet your d knows you will do anything for her. I know for my mom for many years would do anything and even if I made HUGE mistakes out of love. It was really hard for her to say no more and I think for some it may have not worked but for me it MADE me get my life together. I had no choice. Of course I did have some slips or let me show mom times but I learned the hard way it just shooting myself in the foot. Can you talk to your d about how this is effecting your health? As for medical, I think if you go to a psych or your doc even they can help you get disability which would allow for longer. Hugs and take care of YOU!That is being a good mom!

We did a family Intervention!
 

I love my family!
My Ex-Husband, his wife, My daughter (older one) her fiancee, the baby's father, my younger daughter, and myself all sat down last night and came up with a plan. Everyone agreed and we all walked away happy!

AND I have an appointment with my Therapist on Tuesday morning, to see if maybe I can get a week off just to get some "rest".

NOTES:
Daughter #1 works from home, so she is able to do emergency back up care if we need itl AND, she will help me with chores at my house if I have some bad PN days.
Ex-husband's children attend same school and day care as granddaughter.
Ex-husband gets off work at 3pm.
I start work at 8:30am.

PLAN:
Daughter #2 (One that is making me crazy) is moving out next week.:D
Baby's father is working during the day and attending school at night. He will have baby every other weekend and pay child support to me.:wink:
Granddaughter will live with me. :D
I will take granddaughter to school every morning. :) I do this already, it's not a big change.
Grandfather (my ex-husband) will pick her up along with his children at 3:30pm every day. Take her home with his children and feed her dinner and she plays with them until I get off work. (Currently daughter #2 picks her up and feeds her McDonalds or whatever drive thru she can and drags her around with her all evening while she goes to her friends houses and does whatever she feels like. The baby usually gets home around 10:00 and doesn't get to bed until 10:30 or 11:00)
When I get off at 5:30, I go by and pick her up from them. If I have errands, etc. I can leave her there until they are done, as she has alread had dinner.
I take her home with me, give her a shower, read her books, do her bed time routine. Teach her what it's like to have a "normal" schedule.
I will not have to feed her dinner during the week, as she will have dinner with Grandpa and his family every day. It is a healthy place for her to be after school! She is 4, his children are 5 and 7.
Daddy gets her every other weekend, and mommy gets her every other weekend.
She is NOT allowed to spend the night with either of them if they have someone else spending the night! She is to come home. (To my house)
If I have a date or plans for a weekend night, Daughter #1 can babysit, as she has a step-daughter the same age as granddaughter and they get along very well.
We agreed that Daughter #1 will only babysit for me overnight once a month, and I will do the same for her once a month. (However, her step daughter goes to her mom's every other weekend, so that's not likely)

We thought it would be very hard to convince Daughter #2 to give up her daughter, but I've been dropping this idea to her a lot over the last six months and she has been thinking about it a lot, and finally, she has admitted it is the best thing for her daughter!

I'm so happy! The whole family is working together to give this child a better life. She has been with me since the moment she was born. I gave her the first bath in the nursery at the hospital, cut her cord, all the things that daddy's do. Her mommy was just a baby when she had her. Her parents were not old enough or mature enough to have her. They tried, and realized that they need to do more growing up themselves before they are responsible for another life.

Or you can rent the movie "The Good Mother"
 

I knew the plot sounded familiar. Here's the link:

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0095238/

When I saw this movie, I kept saying to myself. "She lost her child because she has a sex life"???? Opened my eyes big time!!!!

Melody

It's not the sex life that we are concerned about, ...
 

Well, of course we are concerned that she is having safe sex and not getting pregnant again... but mostly we are concerned about the child.

It's that she basically neglects the kid because she is 20 years old and is too busy being 20 and not being a mommy. She loves her very much. She just doesn't want to live up to the responsibility of being a parent.
She just wants to be a typical 20 year old more than she wants to be a mommy.
When she was 16 and making the decision to "keep" the baby... not to abort, not to put the baby up for adoption, not to... bla bla bla... she was much to young and inexperienced to see this far down the road. To realize that when she was old enough to be independent and single and autonomous (sp?) that she might not want a 4 year old to be responsible for. It was all glamorous and fun then.
Now we have all grown attached to the child, and no one wants to see her (the baby) become this 40 pound anchor that is attached to her mothers waist. We want to see her thrive and become a strong healthy individual who will not be a lost soul or another teenage mother as she grows up.

Thank you all for your support! That's why I love you guys!

Terri

Terri:

Thank god you didn't tell all of us to "butt out". You had the intervention. Good job. Good decisions all around.

Mind if I ask where daughter #2 (the one that's driving you crazy), is moving to??? Does she work??

I see more and more grandmas raising their grandchildren, because their kids (mainly daughters), got pregnant early on, couldn't hack the responsibility, then turned to their loving mothers, who can't see giving the grandkid away, (the girls count on this by the way, I've spoken to many of them). I've heard 16 year olds say "I knew my mother wouldn't throw us out, she loves the baby". And the mom and baby get food stamps, benefits, the mother goes out all night long and the loving grandma is the one that raises the child.

Want to know how many of these stories end up? I know because it's going on around the corner from me, next door from me and across the road from me. When the 16 year olds finally grow up, and the baby is now 9 or 10, (being raised by Nana, as most of them are called around here), well, the now 26 year old daughter has met a guy, gets married and takes the kid and ups and leaves. Want to know what happens to the grandma when that happens?? She has a breakdown because she has given her heart and soul to the daughter and to the grandaughter. I have known many a grandma who is going to court to try and get custody because she "lost her grandaughter" when the daughter and the kid move in with the guy and they "make their own family".

I once asked my friend, who was going through this "aren't you happy that your daughter is finally mature enough to be married and take care of the kid and the guy will support them and give her his name?". The answer was "are you out of your mind?, this is my grandaughter, I've raised her for 10 years, they're not taking her away from me".

I know a very nice woman who owns a house with 3 floors. On the top floor is the grandparents, on the second floor is the 38 year old son, his 29 year old girlfriend and their new baby. The son has a 4 year old and the mother of this 4 year old is out of the picture.

So where does the 4 year old eat and sleep? Upstairs with the grandparents who have raised her since she was born. The son wasn't mature enough and the mom wasn't stable.

So what does the son do? He has his girllfriend move in, and they have their own baby. They pay no rent (but they had another baby???)

And the grandmother has MS, and adores this 4 year old.

I hear these stories all the time. Years and years ago, people grew up, met their loves, got married, had children.

But now, all that is changed. They are fooling around earlier and earlier, not using protection and the grandmas are raising all these kids. And they are investing all their emotional love and finances and they really don't mind doing this because a grandma is a sweetheart. But when the daughter takes the kid and moves away, the poor grandma is left alone, and will say "what do I live for now???"

When the hell did life change so much and kids started to do things backwards, have kids, let grandma raise them, then grow up, move out and take kid with them. I have seen this so much, it's amazing.

Seams: You are an excellent mother and grandmother. You have a heart of gold. I am happy that you found a way to make all of this work.

Your family is so lucky to have you, I can't find the words.

All the best,

Melody

P.S. Now go and light some candles and take a nice long hot bath. You deserve it!!!

I expect that to happen someday Mel...
 

That thought went through my head... and it's stuck there. I do expect it someday. I believe it will happen someday. However, the fear of that happening in the future is not bigger than the fear of me watching this little soul suffering being thrown in the back seat of a car (not in a car seat and without a seat belt most of the time) with a bag of french fries and a coke while her mother drives all over town arguing on the cell phone with her boyfriend, or lying in bed all day Saturday and Sunday with a hangover while her child runs around unsupervised and unfed.
It's just not a good place for the child to thrive.
When she is 10, we will deal with that then. But for now, her grandfather and I want to give her the best foundation we can. Despite her mother.

"But for now, her grandfather and I want to give her the best foundation we can. Despite her mother."

And you have my dear, you most certainly have!!! Some day, when she's all grown up, she'll remember and she'll say "Grandma, you were there for me".

So give yourself a hug. You deserve one!!!

Mel

Since you asked for opinions...
 

Indeed you hit the nail on the head! 16 is extremely young to be having children and making life long choices. I am sure your daughter is feeling like she is "missing out", and may be overcompensating at this stage.

She may even be craving love and acceptance from the male species, as it appears that the father of the child is settled down.

I think a good old fashioned one on one with mum, is what I would be doing, and spending as much time with her and giving her that love and acceptance and role modeling that only a mum can really offer.

Good luck Terri, and don't neglect your own health in this process.

Wow - that was quick! I am very glad that you did not just assume that the "problem" was over and things would be just fine. Hopefully, a number of things will be much better -- I am happy that you have a therapist that you can talk to you and that you are planning to bring up the idea of a little time off.

Even if you decide not to take leave of work right now, it is very important for you to know that the option is there. It is all a part of taking care of ourselves. Sometimes the hardest part of that can be asking for help . . . sounds funny, but I know many here struggle with just that very thing.

Everyone is right in pointing out the danger that could lie ahead -- if mom decides to become primary caretaker again down the road. I know that you have to do what is best right now, without worrying about what could happen. Grandparents' rights are an evolving judicial area. Of course, like almost every other legal issue, they are behind the times and culture. California had done a bit more than most other states -- not so much in terms of "protecting" grandparents, but because many family law courts in CA include the role of primary custodial parent, regardless of which person is actually fulfilling that role.

Anyway, no more about this . . . as you say - you really don't want see any custody or even visitation battles develop. So, good luck with the new plan!

rafi

Good for you!! For all of you! That's really wonderful when people can put aside everything else to pull together in a situation such as this. I'm so happy for you that you've found a workable solution. :hug: