back to the nest. The boy returns
 

well, many of you have followed the saga of my DS and this sticky head girl he keeps getting tangled with. She keeps cheating on him, and he keeps coming home to find strange men in the house and his bed being given over to someone new. He keeps professing his love for this girl, and hold out hope on how they can work it out. They broke it off more than six months ago, and he was doing fine until...

he had a horrible truck accident and it completely trashed it. smashed to bits. no insurance, so he cant move on to the next car. He knew to get to work he needed to take 3 buses to get to work. The bus didnt leave his town till 7am, and he had to be at work at 6am. This wasnt going to work. no one would wake up early to take him, so he called sticky head. She was once again being evicted from her apartment and needed a new place to live. They agreed as friends to share a place (picture me rolling my eyes :rolleyes:) They would each have their own room, and neither would bring home over night guests. They would try to work it out as friends, and she would drop him at work in the AM and pick him up in the PM till he got a paycheck or two under him and he could buy a junker to fix and drive. Well, each pay day comes and so does Ms Greedy. She sticks her hand out and takes the WHOLE check! of course, he lets her!

This has gone on for a month now. 2x a week she brings home different men and he can hear them in her bedroom doing unspeakable things. He said its ripping his heart out. He still held out hope that she had missed him, she would have him under her roof and declare how much she suffered without him. It didnt happen that way. She took him for every penny, and now he is quite broke, carless, and doesnt have enough money to buy a tank of gas, let alone a car to put it in.

The job he was working is a temp agency and they told him at 6 months they would hire him full time, give him benefits, and take him on as part of their team. July 1 was his six month line. July 5 the company was about to sign him over, but they were bought by a japanese company and it was decided to string the kid along until they could get their own employees in place. Today he pushed for better answers and was told they wouldnt keep him.

He called me quite upset, hurt, and beaten and said "mom, I give up. Can I come home?" What do you say to that?! Of course! So he is headed my way tomorrow. While I am glad it will get him away from this horrible woman of the past 3 years, I am also upset for him that he feels unloved, unwanted, and is jobless, carless, creditless, and penniless thanks to the antics of this money bully.

Anyone else have an adult child return?

I think I heard that statistics show about one in four children return to the "nest" at least once in their 20's. DD is home going to massage school. College was not a good environment and then she was working in the next city over but I was not fond of her friends.

I was able to convince her to come home and push the "restart" button. Much better environment and she was on a mission to get the school to hire her by making herself indispensable. She has been determined and was offered a front desk job last night.

I hope your son can find his restart button and find something that gives him value.

DD was at a low place until she found this healing institute where others value her each and every day.

Yes, my son returned home about five years ago. He was heartbroken that his girlfriend, which he waited for 2 more years of high school, moved him out of town, and eight months later said she didn't love him anymore. He called one night about 10:30 crying that she didn't love him anymore and was moving out. He was devestated. Went into a depression, lost his job, of seven years. We went up and moved him home. He still doesn't trust any girls, he has dated some, but won't let it get serious. It was hard, but he got his old job back here, and seems to be happier than ever. I hope he finds someone one of these days, that he deserves.
After he moved back, my husband found out two months later, he had cancer, so he has been a great help to us.
I think he'll spread his wings one of these days again!

Glad to hear he is going backhome and away from that stupid girl. Hoping he learns this time. :hug:

My oldest son moved back home when he and his girlfriend broke up. This was three years ago. He's moved again...this time with his current gf. He seems much happier.

Both my boys know they always have a place to come back to. I liked it when oldest DS was here before because he parked his police car in the driveway and I just felt like that was sort of a built in security system.

It was an adjustment because I didn't know how messy he had become. We had to have a little talk about that but he kept his room clean. He was hardly ever here between working his full-time job and all the part-time jobs he took......security at the arena during concerts, HS ball games, etc.

It's funny how accustomed we get to our daily routine. Someone moving in can really cause a rift in that. I was also surprised at how much like my own mother I was sounding! :o

I never left. Stayed home to help my dad with my mom. (she had a TBI when she was 17, and it took a few years for some of the more bothersome results of that to show up) Then I was taking classes and kind of thinking of escaping my parents house...my MS showed up and now I'm kind of stuck here.

Yes, my DD came home. She had finished grad school, was engaged, was all set to settle in the college town. 5 weeks before the wedding, bf called it off. It was all I could do to keep from jumping in my car. DH got me sane again. DH drove up, packed her up and brought her back. She was able to transfer her job, and that helped. I guess she was home about 1 1/2 years, met a guy, moved in and took her 2 dogs too. He is now my SIL. Stuff happens, you can only hope all works out well.

My kids don't move back home, they just keep moving their junk home. :D

When DD#2 had to quit college because she was only living there and not taking classes she moved home to get a job. I thought I was doing tough love by setting some pretty stiff rules which didn't help this kid who didn't know where she was going. All she knew was that she reached out to her parents. So I kind of drove her to living with this guy. She tried to make it look like she was living at home and 'staying at girl friends house at times'. So now she is married to this guy, only one working so she can put him through college. He is barely passing and has great aspirations of which I don't see how any of them cn work out. They broke up and she moved back home but then got back together. So here she is, working her butt off trying to makes bills and he is still not working, going to school only when he feels like getting up in the morning. I try to tell him that being a social worker is a wonderful aspiration but he needs a Masters and he can't even get an associate yet. But she is still my daughter and I will do anything I can do to help her. In an odd way we still love him to. He was given a terrible childhood and I feel if they ever broke up that I would still have an extra child.

WOW! you guys made me feel so much better. I know our job is to give them roots to be firmly planted, and then give them wings and teach them to fly. I felt like a bit of a failure. My heart breaks for him and the situation he is in, but at least from THIS home base, he can save money, can afford to eat, will be loved, and directed, and is now so low from being beaten down so much emotionally from this girl, that he is ready to be remolded into a real man, and not just her personal ATM machine. She dragged home a washer/dryer combo last night and he said "WTF?!" I do the laundry and I go one block up the street to do it, WHY do we need this? she went on about how she wasnt living without one. He said "how are YOU going to pay for this?!" and she responded "Oh sweetie, what you dont understand is its in YOUR name I signed for it as YOUR WIFE and WE will pay for it by the week. $50 a week for a washer dryer. He had his friend take him to the store, showed them HIS drivers license and then he had them change the paper work or face the cops coming. They put it in HER UNmarried name without his as a ryder and told them that if they EVER used his name again, he would have them all arrested.

He is coming home quite broken, quite sad, quite broke with zero money, and he used to be quite flush with the world. This girl spend a truck load of money in his name, and went many places claiming to be his wife, and got joint credit. We think we have gotten all of those accounts settled as fraudulent, but it will be easier now that he is willing to prosecute should need be. He said he will leave her $50 on the dresser (treating her like a whore) and this will allow her to not lose her job. She needs gas money to get back and forth till Wednesday but its not enough for cigarettes or candy or a weekend trip that she had hoped for. She saved him from losing his job by taking him back and forth, so he said he is repaying the kindess.

Im going to have my hands full with how broken he is, but perhaps it will make it easier to get him dusted off and back in the right direction.

Thanks for the support. its so nice to know I am not alone.

My sons never left! My oldest who's 24 is terrified of growing up.

:hug:s to you and your son Dej. He really needs some help with regards to this 'girlfriend'. It's extremely hard to break away from an abuser. That's what she is imo.

I have some book titles that would really open his eyes to what is going on with her and help him to help himself. I don't know if he would be willing to read them but just let me know and I'll give you names of them.

They have helped me immensely. :hug:.

If anyone has a good book that they would reccomend, please send me a message with it, and why it helped you.

I have the first book for him already
Healing the sensitive heart.
Then the seat of the soul.

what else ya got.

He really is horribly broken, and after leaving an abused situation its going to take some time to rebuild.

Glad you're there to help him, Dej. :hug:

It is wonderful that he is able to come back to re-group with your help but, and I'm ready for the boos and hisses, please keep in mind there are two parts to every relationship, even abusive ones, so absolving him of any culpability doesn't do him any favors either. As time wears on his role in this long saga is worth exploring as part of his healing and growth.

oh trust me, he has a LARGE share of responsibility in this. He is a grown man, who came from a solid home, and ALLOWED this to continue. He went back over and over, even when he was free and clear of her, her home, her family, and her influence. He was under the impression that he could make her love him. If he could just make more money, get a better car, keep the house cleaner. He is not off the hook by a long shot, and its HIM that he has to be accountable to. The old saying of "burn me once its your fault, burn me twice its mine" comes to mind quickly in my book.

We will be working on uncovering why he wanted so badly to be loved that he would be willing to bankrupt himself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, and financially. When did he stop loving and respecting himself enough that he would allow others to use him so? So, please know that as much as my heart breaks for his situation, and he should and will get much comfort, that comfort comes with instruction on how to not do this again. Lets get down to the root of what happened so we dont allow this to happen again.

I used to get so upset when I worked at the battered womens shelter when women would be given a free apartment full of furniture. Food, guidance, counsel, and tons of support including a closet of clean clothes, safety and a job and 2 weeks later we go to check up on them and find b/f slipping out the back door. These were woman who were severly beaten, battered, and quite abused who begged for help and then turned around and shared their home yet again with the man they took a restraining order out on.

This is why I allowed my son to keep falling, even tho I could have interviened and given him some speed breaks along the way. He needed to learn the lessons, and take it into his own life. If I thought for one second that he wasnt really done with this, I would have turned him away. I have done so in the past. I have been here for him, but refused him a home to live in with us, because he clearly wasnt ready to let her go, and end the madness.

Sounds like Mama definitely got it under control. ;)

One of the lectures I heard gave the scenario of a party, hundreds of people, and said that if there was one batterer and one batteree they would manage to somehow find each other and hook up. Made me sad but also value the importance of getting to the root of the problem as you said so it doesn't repeat with someone else because unfortunately there is no end to the number of manipulative users out there.

Please keep us posted. :hug:

Well, he IS taking my advice and confronting her today. He said he didnt want to run out like a thief in the night, and he act like a child. He is waiting for her to get home from work to "talk" to her and if she doesnt want to talk, then he said he will leave or call the cops. He needs to confront her to heal himself.

Woooo Good boy!

I hope he has all his stuff ready to go....or at least the things he wants to take today. She doesn't sound like she's playing with a full deck. I really hope the police don't have to get involved. But, I've watched enough Judge Judy episodes to know that everything needs to be documented.

he wrote me and said he has taken all of his belongings to his dads house. he has gotten his name OFF the lease. He talked to her sister who is willing to move in this eve, so she wont have to take on the financial strain of the place herself. He said "mom, once upon a time I loved her, and she loved me. I cant see another way out, and I know I need to go, but I dont have to run like I did something wrong." so...lets see where this goes.

He's right....he's done nothing wrong by wanting to leave. He sounds like he's got his head on straight. From what you've told us about her.....I wouldn't trust her at all.

My oldest DS (the cop) had to respond to a domestic dispute once and the girl was accusing the guy of punching her in the back. She even had a huge welt and it was red and swollen. The guy kept insisting that she was nuts and had done it to herself. Nobody believed him because how can someone punch themselves in the back? And leave such a mark? Well, DS finally listened to him (the guy was frantic) and allowed him to show them what he had as "evidence" that she self-inflicted this wound. The guy showed them a pair of panty hose she had thrown behind the bed that had several pieces of wooden fruit (a painted apple, pear and several lemons) in the foot and leg. She had taken the hose and whacked herself on the back several times (by swinging the hose with the wooden fruit inside over her shoulder) leaving the marks! :eek: She finally admitted to it. Seriously......guess who they ended up taking to jail that night? I never believed such crazy people existed till I heard that story! :rolleyes:

Thankfully, she has never hit him, or thrown things at him, but she does have a very abusive mouth, and she is quite the money bully. All he ever wanted was for her to love him, and all she ever wanted was a house husband with a paycheck. He said she screams and become quite violent in temper if a girl talks to him while pumping gas, but yet she is dragging home men to sleep with now!

I have said from the begining this girl aint right. There is something wrong with her. She has been divorced 3 times, and there is strange stories about some kids that live with another man who had them taken away, but no one has ever seen proof of that. She denies having any kids. All I know is that when he is with her, she isolates him from his friends and family and that is the first move an abuser does. He isnt allowed to talk to me more than once every two weeks or he is called a momma's boy. and he wasnt even allowed to call me when I was in the hospital. So, she is a messed up girl. Once upon a time I had some hope, but the first time she dragged home another boy I knew it was a deal breaker for me.

Thank God there are no children involved. What a mess that would be to have to be chained to her for the next 21 years. ick!

Is he Christian/religious/a believer? I have several books that tie in The Bible and spiritual healing in situations like his I would be willing to share, even send him from my library.

If not, there are many other places that can help him. Please understand this is a loss, he needs to be guided through the 5 stages of grief,

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression and
Acceptance.

It's not just for when someone dies, it's for all part of life to which there is a loss.

He called me to tell me that he is still talking to her. He wont be coming to NH tonight. He said she is crying and lying but also telling him things that make sense, like she doesnt want to accept the room mate he found (her sister) because she is a drinker and they have lived together in the past and fought (picture me and my sis) so since she refuses his room mate that he found, legally he IS still on the hook. He called the landlord and the landlord agreed that if she refuses his choice, the landlord WILL chase him for rent.

it all got tangled past that, and his father offered him 2 weeks worth of work that would give him enough money to buy him that truck he is looking at. He said he will probably live at dads house for 2 weeks while trying to negotiate with her on a new roommate. He also said he knows she isnt capable of behaving herself as she has promised to do while he finds a replacement renter, and the landlord promised him that if she became violent or reverts to her shouting, abusive rants, that BOTH of them would be released (evicted) from the apartment.

Im torn. It is the right thing to do, to NOT walk away from his obligation to that lease. It is the right thing to do to NOT sleep in that apartment while he hunts. It is the right thing to do to work it out with her, even if she is a bit more than nuts. but part of me wants to just have him drop and run.

I will have to let him tie up the strings of what he untied and earn his way out. It may be 2 days or 2 weeks before he finds someone. If she refuses all that he finds in the next two weeks, the landlord says he will see that as manipulative and force her to either accept a replacement or take on the lease for herself.

He had the cable/phone/internet/light/water/power put in HER name. He owes money on those bills, and will have to work to pay off what he owes. He sold his wrecked truck for scrap value today and is doing other things to get enough money to close the door behind him when he leaves, instead of allowing it to swing open like an old barn door.

Im so proud, yet so worried, yet so leary, yet so fed up...make sense? I spoke to his dad and he has agreed to let him stay in his old room (not on the couch this time) for up to one month. His wife really gives this kid a hard time, so I know he cant stay there but at least its rent free space till he can work his way out of the hole he dug.

For those that dont know my son is 2 states away, so he cant just jump in the truck and come visit or even come here and take care of his business there. if he is interviewing roommates he needs to do it in person. The land lord is also looking as well. g/f is ANGRY! she doesnt want to live with a stranger, so she feels as if she is being "put in danger" I suggest she find someone before they do.

Thanks for the prayers and well wishes.

Hey Dej, those book titles I sent you would be great for you to read too. They'll help you to help him :hug:.

As, I think, you know emotional and verbal abuse take much longer to heal from than a punch in the mouth. :hug:

my sons ex is now doing crazy things like sending him text messages that say "im afraid you are going to break in here at night and hurt me again." WHAT???!!! :eek: He never hurt her in the first place! I advised him to NOT respond to such statement. Just ignore them, for she can manipulate his answers, and it wont be worth it. Just ignore her. The fuel pump went out on her truck and he has agreed to fix it for her since its her only way to get back and forth to work. Paycheck time rolled around and all of a sudden she was his friend, and wanted to be nice, and talk and come on over for a drink. He said NO WAY! So, she and her sis showed up at his dads place, sloppy and pushy trying to get him to give up money. Saying they were going to sue him...

DS was ready to go, and got a court summons. LAst november he did a donut in the parking lot of the city park. The police claim he ruined some flower beds when he kicked up gravel. Gave him a ticket, and a fine. He assumed that she had paid off the fine from his paychecks that she had. She didnt pay a penny, so the court said "pay up NOW! or accept probation" what choice did he have? He accepted probation. He talks today to the probation officer to see if he can get his case transferred to NH and how long it will take. I REFUSED to pay this fine for him. He already accepted the courts decision, and even if I stepped forward with money, it would be too late to save him from probation anyway. So, let him clean up his own mess.

He is telling the probation office today his plan to move here. Clean up his life, get away from ex, start a new job, and that he has already given notice at old job. Rumor has it that it can take up to 45 days to transfer probation from one state to the next. As soon as the fine is paid, probation will end, but till then, he will have to check in. I told him its his own fault. #1 for causing the damage, #2 for not making sure the fine was paid, and #3 for giving excuses instead of action. so...yet another thing has jumped in his path.

My DH said that most men are really quite silly when it comes to women, and they will allow a lot of bad behavior. Then he told me tales of his first true love and how she abused him. Made me really angry to think this girl took such a nice guy and treated him so badly. A guy who will hold your hand thru MS, breast cancer, adoption, Celiac of a child and going gluten free for her, and walking with me every morn even tho it slows him down? This is not a selfish man, and she treated him like he was a jerk. Really made me sad. He said he feels bad for the kid because it mirrors where he was all those years ago. Sheesh! scary.

It sounds like your son is caught in the "cylce of abuse" with this sociopath. It's very hard to break free.

If he seriously wants to be free he has to iniate a "no contact" rule with her. None. Nada. No texts, emails etc. He can block her numberr from his cell and change to different email account. He just has to see the light or he won't be able to do this. Thank God he didn' t marry her!! I'll be praying for you all :hug:.