For Those Who Live Alone?
 

It seems like I have had so much drama, in my life, lately. I'm not a troll, really, trying to garner sympathy or controversy...Honest.:D Things usually go along, very uneventfully for me, for a long time and then wham the chit hits the fan.:eek: :rolleyes:

Since my DH passed in 2004, I have lived alone with a lot of help from my, already overworked, breadwinner, and mother to Five, Daughter. A small bit of help from my SSons and two friends, who are there if I need them. I take care of myself and my home, for the most part, and am usually very content with the status quo.

I fell today, out of my scooter (it hit a wall and threw me out) and it really set me back...mentally not physically. Just a few bruises and aches, but nothing at all serious. However I am confused and frightened now. I got myself up and back on my scooter, after sitting for awhile to relax my muscles out of spazm and drag myself to a place where I could use my one good leg to lift myself up. I didn't cry, which is a good sign.

I am frightened now and I hate that feeling and the needy feeling. Giving up any independence has been a real mental fight with myself. I have no problem now, letting people do for me, what I absolutely can't do for myself anymore, but I can never see myself in a nursing home or completely dependent. If I can no longer call the shots in my life, then, to me, that's not living.

Does anyone here go through this fear, at times? Any suggestions on making it easier to stay the course...alone? My Daughter thinks I should buy a one floor condo, handicapped accessable. How do I even begin to look for such a place? Of course, it would have to be close to my Daughter.

I think I'm feeling a little more vulnerable the usual, because of my resent Dental fiasco and then the fall today. Any comments, suggestions?

Love and Hugs,

Oh Sally -- I am so sorry sweetie. That had to have been scarry. You have been having a rough time of it. I know I am new to this board --but so far I see you as the backbone here. And- you know what -- you got up -- you handled it. Your stronger than you think.

So I take it your in a two story...large house. Maybe a condo would'nt be so bad. Less upkeep...close neighbors --and alot of condo complexes have great recreation/social events going on. I know its hard but there are alot of advantages. I've done a major simplification of my life and surroundings since being dx. Had several garage sales and basically just made things as easy as I could. Less stress. Get in touch with a reputable Real Estate agent -- let them do the work. --- you can even shop online for homes.

Well- anyway -- I am glad your OK. And I am glad your daughter is near -- she sounds like a chip off the old block kiddo. Take care -- and take it easy :) Gail

This could have been me posting. Because lately, I've been getting scared. Really scared. I'm falling more, and I'm too weak to get myself up. Sometimes I can't get myself up from a seated position: imagine a planet with 10-20 times the gravity here on Earth, and that's the planet I'm on. I just can't overcome the gravity. Lisa or Chaz (her husband) have literally lifted me, legs frozen with spasticity in a seated posture, to my WC. Transfers are passing to the difficult>fabulously difficult stage.

Control of my bowels is becoming less and less reliable.

My hands, arms, and torso are steadily weaker. Lately I have needed help dressing and getting in the shower. Feeding myself is getting harder; typing is becoming difficult.

I've got a stage 1 pressure sore on my butt. I'm trying to get a handle on it with air cushions, but I'm sitting all the time.

Scariest of all, a couple of times I've had a breathing "incident" where my diaphragm seems to have trouble working. I'm seeing my neuro next month and I'll tell him about this, but what can he do, really?

I live in a two family house with me one one side and Lisa and Chaz on the other side, so help is available to me. I'm trying to get an overhead lift for my bathroom. I do have Medicaid, so I'm working on getting someone in here in the AM (for now at least), and to get something called Consumer Directed Care, which would pay Lisa for all the help she gives me. But I'm scared. A nursing home is a looming presence in my life, hanging over me like the proverbial sword. If this pressure sore should open.... If the breathing problem should worsen.... If/when I become unable to feed myself.... This sort of pressure makes it very difficult not to think about the future, and the old positive attitude is taking a beating.

Sally, if you want to look into housing for the disabled, call your local social services or housing authority, and ask about Section 8 housing in your area. The office for aging in your county should also be able to advise you on any assisted living apartment complexes in your area.

Chris

((((((((((((Sally)))))))))))) My heart goes out to you - in part because I've been there, done it and got a few of those t-shirts myself - the worst dent is to your pride and if you're anything like me, your confidence. My advice? Do whatever makes you feel safest, good and secure. If that is moving into sheltered accommodation, a condo or staying where you are - think about what makes YOU feel the best. Remember - and I know this is a fuddy duddy cliche - but the biggest fear is fear itself - conquer that and you're on your way. If you did more into assisted living, you just might feel safer and less isolated - after all you would just be 'one of the crowd' as opposed to the odd one out. I wish I had wiser answers....

Hi Sally,

AGR makes some really good points. There are points in between nursing home and unassisted living. And some pretty nice options too. Assisted living has a huge range too and the nice thing about it is that if your needs change, your level of assistance can change too. I also agree with AGR that when you're around like-level people, it isn't such a big deal any more because everyone is in the same boat. So you get instant understanding and a group of similar people around you. It could actually be a GOOD thing.

I know it's probably overwhelming right now. Does social services have a social worker available? They're usually the people to talk to about what kind of living solution might be most appropriate. They also have lots of good contacts to get the ball rolling. I know for me, just having to go out and start looking into things is exhausting, so the more help you can get to do all the preliminary leg work, the better.

It could even give you more independence to move to more accommodating facilities because you would no longer depend on your daughter & family as much but could just enjoy their company.

Or, maybe all you need is one of those medic alert buttons, so that you know that help is close if you need it. Maybe that and some alterations to your home environment to make it safer are all that you need.

Don't feel scared. There ARE lots of options out there and some of them could be really beneficial for you. Living alone for anyone has its pitfalls - do you remember on Sex & the City how Miranda was terrified that she would die and her cat would feast on her and no one would know? I think there are fears for women living alone, disabled or not.

Maybe phone your local MS Society and see if THEY have someone to come in and help you assess your living situation and needs. They might be the place to start.

(((((((((((((((((Sally)))))))))))))))))))))

Oh Dear Sally,
I'm so sorry you've had such a hard time of it recently. I don't live alone, and I don't need the use of assistive devices yet. My husband and I live in a one level home. Most homes in Fla. are one level, and there are days when I get home from working that I know that I wouldn't be able to handle living in a two level home. I think your idea of a one level condo close to your daughter sounds like a sound one to me.

There are many assisted communities around the area where we live, and the people who reside there seem to be quite happy (from what I can see). I've done some volunteer work and most of the patrons seem to be very self sufficient and happy. The social life is built in, so you won't feel like a shut in, and they even have people to help clean your apartments. Have you discussed this with your lovely daughter? Are there any one level condos or assisted living communities in the area near your daughter?

I tend to agree with the others. Try getting a good real estate agent and take your time. In the meantime, please be careful. We need your smiling face around here.

Chris

Sally,

I can absolutely relate to the feeling of being afraid to stay alone and then I get upset with myself for thinking like that. I am also a widow, but with no children and no one who checks on me on a regular basis. I am still able to walk unassisted, but not very far. I work two part-time days a week, and other than that there is no one who would check on me should anything happen.

I live in a town house. It is a story and a half. So I have my master bedroom on the first floor, but I do still have stairs to climb to get upstairs to the third bedroom and my office. In addition, I have stairs that go down the front and back of the townhouse. I too am looking for a one floor ground town house, but have not been able to find one. They are hard to come by in my area. I want one to buy. Land is so high here that everything goes up in order to get more square footage.

I really do not have much to add. Sounds like you have a very good support network, which is great. I do agree that you might want to look into one of the medical alert buttons that you wear around your neck. I know what you are saying and you are not alone in this situation. I hate the thought of moving, but if I can find a one floor that I like I will just have to do it.

Good luck to you in making this dicision. It is not an easy one. I am glad you have your daughter there to talk it over with.:)

Virginia

I talked to my Best Friend and she is a year older than I am. She lives alone and knows exactly what I'm feeling....as many of you, also, know. She has a Daughter close to her, as well. We had a great talk and I feel a lot better about things.

She went through a vulnerable time too....she had an operation and went through a needy period just as I did, with my dental surgery. She was very depressed until she grew stronger and able to take care of herself again. That's what I'm dealing with now.

My home is a one story with basement. I have a chair lift to the basement with a WC there, so that I can get around to do the laundry or whatever. The only prroblem is getting into and out of my house. A couple of deep stairs to get into the garage and the same out the front door.

That's why my DD wants me to have a flat condo, so I can go outside without having to have someone here. That is the only thing I miss, because I have a screened in patio to enjoy, but I won't go out there, because I'm afraid of falling. Otherwise, I am content where I am.

Thank you all so much for listening to my rant and understanding. I'm fine for now and don't want to move, but if something, really neat turns up, I could change my mind. I may make some assessable changes here, such as a lift from the back door to my patio.

Chris66, my rant seems so selfish, when it comes to People like you. I am so sorry for your situation, which is so much scarier than mine. :o I am going to be praying for you a lot. I hope that your health improves so that you will be able to live comfortabley where you are. Thank you so much for your concern about my piddly rant. Love to You.:)

Thank you all, You are the best.

Love and hugs,

chair
 

Sally,

I don't have much to add to the replies that you aready have. One of my suggestions also is for you to start looking for another place to live which is on one level.

One of the medical alert companies is also very important, in my opinion. I have been checking into these products myself. They run about a dollar a day. So, if you need help all you do is touch the button, at which point someone contacts you and finds out what assistance you need.

My main reason for answering the thread is to let you know about a reclining chair that lifts you up in order for you to get out of a chair easier. The one I bought will recline at a 180' angle.

When I get sick, I cannot get out of bed by myself. This meant that I had to sit in a chair all day when my husband was at work so I could get to the bathroom.

With the recliner, I am able to lie down and get some rest during the day. When I want to get up, all I do is push a button and then I am set up so I can get to my walker.

If I was living by myself I know that this recliner would be even more important to me.

This disease is a real bummer and I also spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to make my life easier and safer. I know exactly what trials that you are going through and I wish you the best.

The fact that you have relatives near you is so important to your functioning too. You are lucky about this area of your life.

Jean

Jean, thank you for your thoughtful reply. I did buy a recliner, last year, and what a waste of money. It's not automatic and it isn't a lift chair. At the time, I thought I was doing the right thing, but now I find it hard to operate and hard to get out of.:rolleyes: I am considering giving this one to my DD and getting one like yours.

I think I am just a little down right now, because of all I've been through. I need to give myself more time to recuperate, and quit trying to rush things. We people with MS are control freaks and it's so hard for us to be needy.

Thank you all for your replies and concern, and remember, I am here for you too.:)

Love,

It's totally understandable to be "a little down" and scared after all the things that have happened in the past couple of years.

I can still drive (rather drive once more) so I am not tied to the house as I once was. But now I'm more alone than I ever was. David works from 7 or 9 am each day (including Saturdays) and comes home for dinner around 7 at night. Both girls live near but not near enough to visit regularly. I order my groceries online at www.peapod.com and they are delivered the day after the order is placed. Even tho' I drive and walk, I cannot handle the aisles , fatigue and sensory overload of the grocery store. No longer enjoy any kind of shopping. It's just not worth the effort that it used to be.

When I came home from the hospital last week, it was all I could do to make it from the bed to the bathroom and back. The kitchen was out of reach and that first day, I was alone for 7 hours. I started to take the kind of long hard look at me that you are doing for yourself right now.

What happened with me is that the community (through church, Rotary, my husband's job) started calling and looking in and running errands. I think that support has been there all along and I've just not seen it or asked for it or allowed it in. I never wanted to ask for help but it seems to be there without the asking if I allow it. Perhaps there are other friends who would like to be a bigger part of your life and you have not seen it yet?

I'm so sorry you're having a rough time. I'm sure you will get your confidence back as time goes by. I think the idea of a single story is a good one. I'm sure the idea of moving is a daunting one. I know there are a lot of assisted living places that are quite nice with care available when needed. Plus they have so many scheduled outings and social occasions.

You are so friendly and nice. I'm sure you'd be a queen bee in that setting!
Feel better soon.
Jean

Sal, So sorry to hear about your problems and fears of living alone. I must admit, I'm really afraid of this too.

I'm even more afraid of progressing and having to live in a nursing home etc.

I've had a few bad falls lately which have gotten me thinking about safety issues and long term planning.

We are about to do a major renovation on our bathroom which will have a walk in shower with built in bench, hand shower, elevated commode, and about 10 decorative grab bars which can double for towel racks etc. Not cheap at all but something I really need. On days when my legs are tired and wobbly, I'm just scared to death of our old bathtub etc.

Last year we had the walkway to our house changed to a concrete type small ramp. No more having to walk up one big step with nothing to hold onto to get into the house.

I do not like this disease at all. However as we baby boomers age, there are more and more universal design options available for us to stay safe in our homes. I just wish there were more tax credits for these type of safety issues.

I highly recommend a lift chair for the many comfort and safety issues it can provide.

Best of luck to all as we cope with trying to remain independent. Betty

(((((Sally)))))
I can sooo relate. Living alone with a disability really is the pits. :( My townhome is on one floor except for the basement where I have a chairlift like you with a scooter downstairs. The basement is a walk-out to the patio and back yard so I need the scooter for that. However, here on the main floor, there is no way out with my powerchair. The front door has one step down to the porch and another to the ground. The garage is two steps down and lately I need someone to help bend my legs to get in the car and only drive into town, 1/2 mile.

After crawling around on the floor for an hour after a fall last year, I broke down and bought a Life Alert. Those commercials used to seem so funny -- "I've fallen and I can't get up!" -- until it happened to me. I wear mine as a bracelet instead of around my neck.

With the help of two friends who grocery shop, clean the house, do outside chores, etc., I'm still getting by. I do have to pay them though. Cherie's link for the groceries is interesting, have to check it out!! But I never go anywhere and only see my "kids" occasionally.

For me, the depression of isolation is becoming a battle, not really scared, just lonely. It's time for a different AD here. And yes, as others have mentioned, when we're feeling extra weak and fragile due to another physical problem like your teeth situation, it really throws us for a loop.

Thank goodness for this board and others for the "human contact" we all need. Sometimes I'm too weak and tired to post, but can at least read.

I know you'll make the right decision for yourself -- you're stronger than you think!! We can do this!!!!! Just wanted to add my support and love, knowing we're all in this "leaky boat" together!

Love and hugs!!! :)

Sally:

It's hard being alone sometimes. Most of the time I like the peace and quiet when my daughter is in school. :)

This weekend I had to make a choice between going into hospital or staying home. I put my emergency care plan in place for my daughter and stayed home. It lasted less than 24 hours - my daughter came home because my husband couldn't get her to stop crying - she wanted to be with me. Her special services worker spent a couple of hours with her, my respite worker was away.

It was difficult to say the least. Every time I tried to lie down she would get anxious, she sense when something isn't right and her anxiety level goes up.

I just got her off to school, so I can lie down all day if I have to.

Living on one level in a 2 bedroom apt. has made my life much easier. I have a roomba to do my vacuuming. Unlike you though, I am mobile. That fall must have been frustrating and frightening.

I'm sorry you have to struggle so. You do well to manage alone. :(

Yes (((((Judy))))), I knew you are alone too. Most of the time I like being alone. It's just those rare times, as you mentioned, that sometimes make it difficult. But hey, we're getting older and I'm a firm believer that the world owes us.:D I'm not about to give up all of which I've earned to give it to a nursing home. Not yet! Not ever, if I can help it.

My home sounds much like your townhouse, except I don't have to go outside to get to the basement.:eek: Let's you and I, and whoever else wants to join us, get a sprawling ranch, all on one floor, a pool in the back with a maid/cook and poolboy/chauffer, of course.:p

I guess you can tell...I'm feeling better today and I am so grateful to have friends such as you.

Love and Hugs,