Banged head getting off subway - Feeling depressed and scared
 

Hi everybody,

Thank you for taking the time to read this. These last two weeks have been terrifying. I have received another setback while recently getting off the subway. As I got up from my seat, I banged my head on the pole above me. Instantly, thoughts of sadness, depression, and overall despair crept in and has taken over my life.

This is my third post on this site and the third concussion in the last 2 years that has impacted me. I had a boxing incident at university where I suffered my first concussion and then I was rear ended a year later when driving. I feel like my memory has taken a huge toll and when I talk I often can't find the words to complete my sentences. I really can't remember what I did even 2-3 days ago which makes scared beyond all belief. This combination, along with the feelings of awfulness, has made it very difficult to get up out of my bed every morning. If it weren't for work, I would spend everyday in bed. Sorry for being negative but overall I feel like death.

I am 24 years old now and turning 25 later this year. I can't live with the idea that I am having memory deficits at this age. I feel like this is all my fault and that I have wasted this beautiful opportunity at life that I was given.

Thanks for listening. I wish everybody here all the best.

I am sorry that you are going through this.


I do not have expertise in this area but I believe that you have some treatment options available. Do you have access to medical care?

Can you go to the ER?

M

Good luck to you.
 

Post-concussion syndrome Treatments and drugs - Mayo Clinic

Amitriptyline
Topiramate
Gabapentin


I have been on on all three of those drugs.
The side affects of the Amitriptyline and Gabapentin are low the drugs might offer you benefits.

Welcome - neurosymptoms.org
This article is helpful
Treatment and Management of Prolonged Symptoms and Post-Concussion Syndrome - Sports-Related Concussions in Youth - NCBI Bookshelf


M

Thank you for the kind words Mari. This struggle is the hardest thing I'll go through. I really, really want to give up and quit work and feel sorry for myself but I know that will make things worse.

I went to my primary care doctor and told him what happened. When I told him I wouldn't care if I woke up dead tomorrow (even thought I made no mention of suicide nor do I have any intention of doing so), that was too much for him and he sent me to the psyc ward in an ambulance. Fortunately I was released the same day but I am still slightly jaded from that experience. Other than headache I have no physical symptoms so I don't know what a trip to the ER would do other than tell me what I already know.

I agree, anti-depressant meds will be the next move. I called up psychiatrists in the area to set up an appointment but no one responded. Even that act was exhausting and it will be tough to make another round of phone calls to schedule an appointment. This is unbelievably stressful... I feel like a helpless idiot. Sorry for coming on too strong and sounding immature.

Thanks

Our sticky threads help /tips @ top of each forum topic main page

http://www.neurotalk.org/traumatic-b...s-regimen.html

http://www.neurotalk.org/traumatic-b...-syndrome.html

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islestfw,

I understand your despair. It can be very frustrating. That horrible feeling in the morning often means you are not getting quality sleep. Sleep can be a big challenge after a concussion. The anxiety of such a change in your life is also a struggle. But, many of us have found ways to go on and live a full life despite any prolonged symptoms.

As much as the subway incident trigger some troubling symptoms, I doubt it was a concussion. The startle or aggravation effect of such a bump can cause enough mental stress to cause symptoms to return. It helps to not get focused on every bump and jostle. They cannot be avoided and are a part of life.

Have you tried any nutritional regimens ? The Vitamins sticky link has a good regimen. The struggling brain needs substantially more nutrition, especially B vitamins.

It helps to keep busy in low stress ways. The memory and word finding struggles are common and made worse by stress and anxiety. In time, these should improve.

What kind of work do you do ? How long is your commute ? By subway ?

These things can be adding to your stress levels.


My best to you.

Thanks for the kind words. Today I have been feeling especially down. I needed this today.

I have been engaging the argument with myself whether or not this was actually a "concussion" or merely a "sub concusssive impact." It was hard enough that someone asked me if I was ok after he saw it transpire. I know the end result is futile yet I can't stop this line of thinking. I have had mini bumps to the head in the two years since my initial concussion but the anxiety subsided within the next day or two. This one consumes my day-to-day thought process. When I am talking with friends and can't complete sentences or forgot what they said earlier in the conversation I can't help but worry. This scares me to the core.

I have not noticed a problem with my sleep. I don't remember my dreams when I wake up but I don't think that is relevant to sleep quality. I am able to get a full 10 hours each night but I will look to continue for ways to improve my sleep quality.

I work in business. I have completing some parts of my licensing exam but I have struggled to continue studying since this recent event. I worry that I can't remember the study material anyway so studying is ultimately a waste of my time. My commute is about 40 minutes by subway and fortunately I am physically able to tolerate this commute.

You may not be tolerating the commute mentally. Subways and trains have a lot of stimulation. Add that to anxiety and you get the perfect storm.

Even if the bump was a 'sub-concussive' bump, that is almost meaningless. Sub-concussive impacts are cumulative. But, one needs to accumulated hundreds of them to cause injury.

The surface pain of the bump can trigger a strong response. The startle of the pain plus the history of anxiety about head impacts can be a substantial trigger.

Regarding sleep. Quantity of sleep has no direct bearing on quality of sleep. In fact, many who sleep longer hours do so because they are not getting quality sleep. Quality sleep means you are experiencing all of the stages of sleep. Struggles with memory are often related to lack of REM sleep. If one is getting quality sleep, one would usually wake up refreshed with no desire to snooze.

Regarding studying for your license exams, It is best to space out your study. Review the information over time. Memorizing happens during REM sleep as short term memory is converted to long term memory. So, rather that repeat the same material over and over during the same study session, review it once each session then repeat that session on a subsequent day.

If you double up, try a study session during each subway ride. But, wear ear plugs or headphones so your brain is not distracted with ambient subway sounds. Study without an ability to stay focused is of minimal value. There has been extensive research that shows that cram studying for an exam is not as effective as spreading out the study.

When you are talking with friends, try to limit the number of voices speaking at the same time. It will only mess up your ability to function in both speaking and remembering. Your brain cannot multi-task. Even a healthy brain struggles to multitask.

Try to spread out the different exams so you are not doubling up on your studies.

The toughest part of PCS is learning the new ways we need to learn. The old ways of learning often do not work well at all.

So, take you time. Destress your life and give yourself time to learn and you will be fine.

Mark,

Thank you for these kind words. You have no idea how helpful it was at the time and how much I needed someone to response. This site and the support you and everyone else provided was invaluable.

I'm still not ready to study and I'm still having issues at work when given an assignment, especially when the instructions are given verbally. With that said, I'm able to tolerate it and though I'm not there yet. Now, I have a tough time keeping up in conversation and I feel like I'm a step behind whenever I'm talking with someone. Such is life.

I wish everyone the very best.

Many of us struggle to converse if the other person is a fast talker or there is more than one person talking or if there is background noise. Complexity or length of sentences can also make things harder.

You can experiment with your surroundings to see if such changes help. There is a lot of trial and error to learning how to move forward.

Yes. As my volleyball coach used to say, "One step back, two steps forward." I will continue to use trial and error going forward.

Also, I really like the quote at the bottom of your profile.

Another accident, another post...

This Sunday, I banged my head on a tree branch/stump that was protruding over the sidewalk. I couldn't make this up if I tried. I was looking down as I was walking and bumped my head right into it. There was a one-two inch bump on the back of my head and the pain from the accident subsided within 2-3 days.

I know that I should consider myself lucky as physically my symptoms are tolerable, if not non-existent. I have a minor headache and no feelings of dizziness and nausea, nor was there a loss of consciousness.

However, mentally, I have been struggling mightily. Like my last accident, it is a struggle to wake up in the morning and get ready for work. I have feelings of depression and and I really feel like death right from the moment I wake up to the moment fall asleep. I am afraid that each incident like this causes my memory to deteriorate just a little more and it has been harder for me to focus and be productive at work. I have a hard time following instruction and I am slower to solve complex assignments than before the incident.

I understand that this can be attributed to stress and anxiety that happened immediately following the incident and I have been seeing a therapist to help with this. I also understand that the best medicine is time and that eventually I will reach a point where this doesn't impact my day-to-day thought process. It is still incredibly difficult to keep a positive, optimistic, and grateful mindset when I really just want to curl into a ball and seclude myself from the outside world.

Thank you for listening. I needed to share this with the community You are all extraordinary people and I have all the respect in the world for seeing everyone continue to keep moving despite his/her struggles.

As Mark would say, my best to you,

Islesftw

Isle,

My bet is you are probably not concussed...I have taken some pretty hard knocks to the head this summerfalling on a ski (with a helmet on) and walked into a wing quite firmly with no problems.

I will say that anxiety does flare up over some whacks and can present its own set of symptoms, especially if we anticipate them occurring.

An odd one the other day for me...I tilted my head back like always in the shower to rinse shampoo off with no thought to it since my injuries have healed 2 years ago. As soon as I felt the water hit a shot of adrenalin pulsed through me from thinking I might get hurt! Where did that come from!

Bud

Thanks Bud. I really appreciate the response. I don't know or think this reached the threshold to be diagnosed as a "concussion." I also think, barring any physical injury, it is a useless endeavor to try to glean how much damage actually occurred.

That said, the mental aspects of this have been pretty rough. Today, the thoughts of wanting to die have subsided a bit, so that's obviously a positive development. There's nothing else I can do right now outside of just giving this time and waiting for it to heal on its own.

I'm glad you were able to go skiing with no ill effects. Thanks for the kind words.

PCS does weird things to the thinking process..you aren't alone and yes it does get better.

I'm having a tough time at work... my work has been slower and less accurate compared to before the accident. My headache permeates the entire day and it's tough to follow assignments that previously came easy. I just feel dumber and hopeless and that my life is going in reverse.

When I wake up until right when I fall asleep I think about death and how much easier and more attractive it sounds compared to what I'm dealing with now. I almost feel guilty for having these thoughts and not being grateful but I can't force myself to feel a certain way. Has anyone been here before? It's terrible.

Many of us deal with this. The thoughts of death need to be addressed if they are a problem.

Have you tried to simplify how you do your work ? I had to stop trying to use memory alone to do tasks. Multiple step tasks are the worst.

If you can describe the struggles you are having at work and the kind of tasks you need to do at work, maybe we can help you learn some work-arounds. Work-arounds can be lifesavers.

Thanks Mark. Really, I appreciate your response. I am seeing my therapist tonight so that should help with addressing those thoughts.

It's not so much that the actual work is an issue, it's more so me coming off as "slow" or "unintelligent" when I have to ask a zillion questions to my manager over what he expects me to do. I feel like it is negatively impacting my perception and reputation as I see him get visibly frustrated or annoyed when I keep asking. It's just an additional stress on top of whatever I am already dealing with.

Ultimately, I'll be ok and I'll get through this when everything is said and done. Today has been noticeably better and for that I am thankful. I just really needed to vent yesterday.

If you are asking these questions verbally, take notes when he answers. This will help if you struggle to recall verbal instructions. I am horrible at recall of verbal communications.

It will also help to be in a quiet setting when you talk with your manager. Ambient noise can make a PCS brain struggle to receive verbal communications.

What has worked for me is to slow down, I sort f fund out my brain did not need to be as busy as I thought and kept it prior to my accident.

I write notes now as Mark suggests and when I multi task I stop at clear and obvious jumping off points before allowing my mind to go to the next chore.

Yes it gets frustrating because I'm not like I was before where multi tasking flowed but if tasks are completed and results are satisfactory does it matter if you are having to accomplish it in a different manner? No. In fact I say more power to us for being able to learn, shows we are still alert and active upstairs.

Bud

Thanks Bud. Work has been tougher and more stressful. I feel overwhelmed and I cant relax or unwind after work knowing I'm going to be stressed out the wazoo the next day. I really, really could use a few weeks off to decompress and destress so I can rid myself from this state and begin the healing process.

On top of work being difficult, it is also tougher to keep tabs with my friends and remember what they are doing and what they recently told me. I feel like I am one step behind when I am talking with them and that my memory has taken a step back compared to what it used to be. This scares the hell out of me. I hate all of this and I also know I'm in no position to complain.

I listened to a presentation by a rehabilitation psychologist at Brain Injury Support group last night. She reiterated the need to recalibrate our lives. This includes helping others around us to understand our need to live at a recalibrated level. It is no easy task. But, first, we must accept where we are and do the recalibrating.

When with friends, we can rarely tolerate a lively discussion where people talk over each other. It fries our brains. It helps when we can explain our condition.

The most important concept is filtering. The concussed brain often loses its ability to filter stimuli. Background noises and voices are not filtered out. Visual images are not filtered out. As a result, those thousand words in a picture all hit us at the same time where we usually can look at different parts of a picture and ignore the rest.

I have these visual struggles. I explain them this way. If somebody uses bold text in a document or online forum, my brain struggles to read the non-bold text near it. It is like driving down the road at night and somebody drives toward you with their high beams on. All you see is the bright light. When they switch the high beams off, the other images suddenly are visible.

This same thing happens with sounds, especially voices. Our brain tries to track every voice so it switches between all of the different voices without fully understanding any of them. This means we do not remember what was said because we did not fully process it when we heard it.

At work, you need to try to identify the distracting stimulations so you can take steps to minimize them. In the US, the Americans with Disabilities Act requires that your employer use reasonable accommodations to help you. You also need to recognize the fatiguing events, too much screen time without a break, etc.

Once you figure out how to recalibrate your work and home/social life, you will recover better. You've never said what kind of tasks you do in your job. We could help you more if you could tell us.

Things will get better.

My best to you.

Thanks Mark and I appreciate the response. I know I don't have a choice anyway but I hate not being able to converse with my friends at the level I was previously capable of. Instead of being able to have a fluid conversation I feel like I'm in elementary school and I have to think excessively just to make small-talk, which exacerbates the constant headache I already have. My humor, liveliness, and ability to be outgoing have all been diminished for the time headaches. The only thoughts I have, aside from suicide, is how my memory is shot and the current intensity of my headache.

My assignments vary at work daily so it's not one particular assignment I'm concerned about. It's more so trying to keep afloat of everything I'm expected to do while trying not to obsess about death, my health, my memory, my obligations outside of work, and how to keep going while in a state of depression. I listen to myself stuttering and stammering my way through trying to explain my work and it kills me. I know I sound like a moron but my current manager is too nice to say anything. It's really exhausting, and I can't focus. Writing on this forum is really the highlight of my day.

Aside from all of this, the worst part is the accompanying depression. This weekend, I was consumed with suicidal ideation and my commute to work this morning consisted of me repeating aloud variations of "I want to die" for the duration of the train ride. The passenger next to me asked me if I was ok, which was a nice gesture, and I appreciated her asking. I just don't want to, and quite frankly don't have the resolve to go through this again.

It took me almost 3 years to get to a point where I felt normal from my original concussion and the path to achieve that was brutal.. I lost some of my friendships along the way. I know I don't have a choice and clearly I have yet to come to accept this. Really, I think dying would be easier. Sorry for the whining, and please feel free to call me ungrateful as that may be necessary, but feeling of awfulness, sadness, and depression is all consuming and constant. I can't use antidepressants to help either as I tried that last time and it caused insomnia, making the situation even worse than it already was. Just kill me.

Sorry for the dramatic post an hour ago.. I just spoke to my counselor at work and also showed him this post. It calmed me down and put me in a better state of mind. I'm also aware I'm lucky to have a counselor on site who can help with these types of things.

I have been where you are at, and so have many others. I remember driving back from school one time to go home at 10:30 (a three hour drive) in a panic and wanting to run my car into every bridge embankment with no will to keep going through it all.

It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I lost my good friends, and people close to you won't always understand, but I know at 21 I have a whole lot of life left and a whole lot of time to recover making a new life along the way. Three years seems like a long time, but in the whole time frame of life it is so minimal.

Thanks for the kind words, engineer. My heart goes out to you and everyone else who has been here too. Sadly, I have had that same experience while driving. I won't let myself act on these thoughts, but to be having them is still nonetheless troubling.

Fortunately, I've calmed down from earlier today - just being able to post here and vent in itself was helpful, which I gather is the purpose of these forums. Hope everything is going ok by you.

There are more than one antidepressant available. People react differently to each one. A good doctor will understand the differences.

You still have not told us what your work is like. Do you shovel dirt ? Do you do computer work ? Do you sell widgets ?

It sounds like you have also not mourned your past so you can move forward and reinvent yourself. If you were A runner and lost a leg in an accident, would you expect to be able to run like you could prior to losing your leg ? You would lose you jogging/running friends and others who did active things with you.

It sounds like you are not even at a true diagnosis of your condition/functions. Some of your symptoms may be resolvable with some work-arounds and accommodations. You may need to make some changes while you learn how to reinvent yourself or what other steps you can do to move forward but you have us to lean on and learn from. We need to understand more than the general concepts of struggling and being depressed.

Hi Mark,

My depression and anxiety has subsided for the time being. I work in accounting and most of my job contains me staring at a computer screen for the entirety of the day. Again, this is physically tolerable. Other than a headache, my physical symptoms are negligible if not non-existent. I will pass on the antidepressant as the side effects exceeded the benefit last time I tried it.

Like clockwork I banged my head again getting up from my subway seat yesterday. I wasn't doing anything wrong, I wouldn't have even realized it was there had I not hit my head. I went to a walk in clinic who told me to follow up with a neurologist which I will be doing next week. I cried for a few minutes after it happened and then called my employer saying I would need time off. I took off for the week and will be returning on Monday.

I understand your thoughts on mourning my old self. When this happened initially over 3 years ago, I went to Israel for a few months to experience a way of life I was unaccustomed to. Admittedly, that was probably the happiest I've ever been. I really wish I had an opportunity to do something similar now To learn and reinvent myself takes time, effort, and focus. It is almost tough to do on top of a full time job! If I were able to have a few months off from work so I can focus on myself and enjoy the "little things," that would of course be ideal, though I don't know if that's feasible.

Lastly, I should count my blessings. Easier said than done of course, and this will be a bit of a process. You're right in that I still don't really know the extent to which I was hurt and what my current condition/functions are. Really the only thing that bugs me is my processing speed seems "off" and conceptually, everything I try to learn and comprehend seems "slower," if that makes sense. I also feel like my memory has declined as I am slower to remember how my friends are doing and what they recently told me when we last spoke. This scares me to the core - this cuts to what's important in life. That said, ultimately I will learn from this and make it to a place where I feel comfortable.

islesftw,

What made you think you needed to go to a walk-in clinic and further, to a neuro ?

If you are thinking, "I bumped my head. I must have caused a brain injury. I need a doctor to tell me how bad. " it sounds like you have developed an obsession with head contacts. It is not uncommon but the concern is misplaced. The treatment of concussion is based on the symptoms, not the impact. And, only some symptoms can be treated, headache, vestibular, etc.

I have lived with the symptoms you describe for 40 years. About 20 years ago, they became strong enough that I decided to make a career change and simplify my life. I went from a situation with employees and lots of balls in the air at the same time with limited opportunity to 'stop and think' to no employees and freedom to 'stop and think' when I needed to.

I learned to use 'stop and think' in many situations. I am slower to speak because I stop and think before I speak in a group when the subject is complex. You comment about processing being off and learning and comprehending seeming slower suggest you need to learn to stop and think. That means clearing your thoughts of the multiple stimuli so you can focus on just one.

The ability to multi-tasking may be considered a strength but research shows that multitasking takes a toll on the brain. We keep our brain healthier when we do not multitask. We limit fatigue, depression, anxiety, etc. and increase accuracy. Simplifying your environment and thought processes will help your memory. You are likely not focusing on them so what they say is not storing in memory. In other words, you are not stopping to think about what they are saying.

The common caffeine driven culture of communicating tends to be this way. Plus, smart phones have changed the way we track our friends. The overwhelming amount of communication 'clutter' that comes in texts and 'social networking' create a change in the social fabric. The intimacy of face to face gets lost. If this is happening to you, some of your social struggles may not be just PCS but rather a change in how people communicate. There are many who have never had a concussion who struggle to sort through and keep track of friends with current trends of communicating.

We used to communicate on the phone where it was one on one or in person where we see the other person's lips as they talked. This greatly enhances our ability to process what is being communicated. Now, people tend to use anonymous communicating. Emails, texts, tweets, Facebook updates, and such have taken the place of more intimate, face to face contacts.

We end up with far more superficial communications to sort though. This cluttered communicating is difficult for healthy brains to follow. PCS brains have an even tougher time.

So, try to look at how you may have changed communicating. Maybe you can adjust that and encourage your friends to do the same. Many have found they need to disconnect from electronic communicating.

btw, For context with your struggles, Are you a male or female ? There are differences with how males and females experience PCS.

Just a thought and observation.

My best to you.

Hi Mark,

I know there really is nothing to be gained from the Dr.'s appointment but for whatever reason I feel more comfortable going. Yes, I completely agree it is an obsession at this point but having it on the record in case my employer needs follows up can't be a bad thing. I know it won't accomplish anything as my physical symptoms are non-existent, except for what I am convinced is some memory loss. There's no way to identify it outside of a neuropsych exam, but I know something seems "off" or different compared to before this happened.

I wish I was able to pack up my current job and start anew. I'm not smart enough to do so and I wouldn't be able to pay rent, otherwise. I agree, "stop and think" is a good tool to use in the interim. Easier said, than done though, I guess. I really do hate this for what its worth.

Regarding my age and gender, I am a 25 year old male.

My best,

Islesftw

Hi everyone,

I am struggling quite a bit today. Out of the two recent "head bangs," the last one did me in more than I would care to admit or care to accept. I have had a constant headache on the left side of my forehead. It's physically tolerable but it scares me that it just sits there for the entirety of the day with varying intensities. For better or worse, my appointment with the neurologist is tomorrow.

More so than the headache, I can't shake this feeling of wanting to die. I know I sound dramatic and I know life is always fluid but I feel like my life is over. The biggest struggle besides this emotional turmoil is how I feel like my brain is "empty" of thoughts, anecdotes, and memories of things that happened to friends and co-workers. I feel like I now have nothing to say to people, whereas before this happened I had an easier time making conversation. Now, my memory is so poor that when someone is talking with me, I can't think of a relevant comment or reply to continue the conversation. I have tried studying current events and thinking of things to say prior to being in a social setting and I even then I forget what I tried to remember. Even just writing this is a struggle to articulate how I'm feeling.

I know I sound childish but I can't help shake this "what's the point" feeling. Like this injury cuts right into who I am. If I can't remember recent stories my friends told me or have nothing to say while having a conversation, why should I care? I have yet to let go of who I was before this happened - I just can't put myself through this during each head bang and subsequent depressive episode. I ******* hate this.

I learned long ago that spontaneous conversation and comments tend to be superficial. Rather than feel a need to always have something to say, I slow down my thinking and focus on having something of substance to say.

It sounds like you may be suffering from depression. You should inquire about help with that. It is common with PCS. The symptoms can overlap greatly. Depression can cause memory issues and many of the symptoms you are experiencing.

When I am in a group, I rehearse what I am going to add to the conversation in my head. That way, when I speak, it makes more sense.

If your time with friends is with multiple people talking in a conversation, that takes a lot of brain power and focus to follow. Use this time to learn to listen. Women like it when a man has learned how to truly listen.

It sounds like you are putting too much importance on these social settings. If struggling with these conversations is so depressing for you, you really need to seek some help.

Regarding headaches. I have had headaches that were chronic for 6 to even 9 months after an impact. It just takes time. Sometimes, I would have what I called mud headaches. My head would feel like it was packed with mud with a dull pressure discomfort and slowed thinking. It took a long time for these to stop reoccurring. One might last all day.

I've learned that some of these headaches were related to my quality of sleep.

I hope the neuro can convince you to take it slow and give yourself a break. You are just too critical or obsessed about every little thing. Let go. Learn to relax and things will improve.

My best to you.

Thanks for the words. I really, really needed this yesterday.

I just got back from the neuro this morning. He said the headache may have been caused from the recent head trauma but he pushed me to first and foremost get help for the depression. He prescribed 10 mg. citalopram which I'm going to start taking. For whatever reason I feel better today knowing that I am taking steps to go and help myself.

The thoughts of self harm have subsided for a bit, though I know like anything, these can come and go. The best I can do is to weather the storm when they come back. In the interim, I am going to take things one day at a time and will try not to get hung up when the headache and awful feelings are at their worst. Though, easier said than done.