Just can't do this anymore!
 

Hey everyone,
It's been a while. I just need to let things out and I hope you don't mind. I am suffering from diverticulitis and then am depressed at the same time. I can't stand it anymore, I want OUT! I just can't keep living like this. I am very scared the docs are going to say it's all in my head. I just wonder if that makes them feel better when they can't find the answer?
My depression is getting worse each day that goes by. I just can't do this anymore, my head is saying I want out. I just don't know why I am even supposed to be here in the first place. I believe God has put me here to suffer. I have achieved that goal, I don't want any part of it anymore. I can't go on like this, it's way too HARD!
Maybe am being selfish, and maybe that's what I am. I am many other bad things too but don't want to push myself over the edge right now. I just feel like there is always something wrong with me, it's one thing or another, or then now it's both. Am sick of being sick. :(
Thanks for listening.
:hug: Jen

HI Jen :hug:

I'm sorry to read you're in this nasty headspace again.... :hug: boy, I know how that feels... are you reaching out to talk to anyone there?.... or are you just wanting to vent cuz you know "this, too, shall pass"....

when I first heard that saying above.... I didn't like it.... especially when someone said it to me when I was in the throes of my depression... I still don't really like the saying... even though its true...

do you think you should get yourself to the hospital Jen?
:hug:
Addy

i don't know about the hospital, I haven't been out very long. I am just scared of the unknown I guess. I really want OUT!

Hi Jen. :hug:

Here are some Winconsen numbers that I want you to look at and save. Please look them over, and when you're feeling really low like it seems like you are now, please think about ringing them.

It won't hurt, especially if you'd rather not go to hospital. They exist only to help people like yourself. http://suicidehotlines.com/wisconsin.html

I don't know if you've noticed the Sleepless thread up above, but if I'm online, I'll always chat to people in need, in the wee small hours of the night. If you want to talk to some-one, post a message there and if I'm around, you'll hear back from me within 10-15 minutes, usually.

Sending you some loving hugs.....:hug:

depression
 

Hello Jen, My name is hutch and I am 49 years old. I have suffered from depression almost all my life--on and off (though mostly on). I also suffer from MANY health issues. I feel that depression by far is the most difficult to deal with out of all of them. I really do understand how hopeless you can feel when you are in the myst of it. I also understand how the mental health doctors and system work. To put it bluntly---it sucks! with that being said---there are good doctors out there and you MUST keep looking until you find someone that you feel comfortable with and you know are on your side. Believe me when I say there are some good doctors out there to help!!! You have to realize that you are worth it, and deserve the best care. It took me years to realize this about myself. I was not a very assertive person until I figured this out. Also, don't be so hard on yourself---this is not your fault--you did not ask for this. But as you know life is not a dress rehearsal, so you owe it to yourself to seek out the right doctor who can help you get your life back. Please take my word for it, finding the right doctor is well worth the effort. Take good care of yourself---I wish you all the best in your search for the right doctor for you. hutch

(((Jen))) It sounds like your docs need to update, add to, or change your meds somehow. And I always recommend hunting for a good therapist. Ask around about therapists in your area.

And that diverticulitis. You poor thing. ((hugs)) I have ulcerative colitis and when that flares it makes about everything else more difficult.

And don't forget to baby yourself and do things that you like to do, whether it be soak in a bubble bath or watch a good movie.

I'm sorry you feel so bad. It will get better. :hug:

Just an update
 

Hi everyone, and thank you to those of you who have given me your kind words, and support.
I just got out of my local hospital due to the diverticulitis. I was in 1 night, but couldn't stand it there anymore. I felt like a prisoner, and had to get out so told him i felt better and now am home. I do feel a bit better, at least I think.
As for the depression, am not doing so good. Being in the hospital gave me lots of time to think, not get some good rest, but think. My Psychologist is out this week so won't have anyone to talk to. She is on vacation, will have to wait till next week, which is a bummer. When she goes on vacation I feel like I have been abandoned. I know sounds stupid, but feel that way. I was supposed to have an appointment with my social worker tomorrow, but cancelled because of being in the hospital and didn't know I was going to be able to leave today.
Anyways,
Thanks for listening.
Jen:grouphug:

(((Dearest Jen))):hug:

I have sent you a PM, wrapped in lots of love:Heart:

You have so much value! An incredible amount! You life is important! You have purpose! A joyful life...with your name on it... is awaiting your arrival!

Sent you something...from the depths of my heart... to yours.

I can only hope it helps somehow, some day, in some way.

I understand the temptation to give up... I really do. Yet, doing so is not in your best interest.

Something better awaits you right here... on this earthly plane.

Fight for your life... you will see what I mean!!!

(((Gentle Healing Hugs, Dearest Jen)))):hug::grouphug:

We are all sending you our love, Jen. You are worthy!!!
Your life is worthy!!!!:grouphug:

This is the truth, Jen. "Know"it, even when you may not "feel" it.
You will "feel" it in time.:grouphug:

Dear Jen
 

I understand desperation,emotional crashings,depression,OCD,and panic attacks. I know the feeling of being alone,and disconnected from everyone.Try to take one day at a time. The doctor might be trying to use a bad form of psychology on you.

These doctors are human,and they are going to make mistakes. I've had about 7,or 8 Psychiatrists,and two of them caused a situation where I was not treated right in a Psych Ward. I think that the modern Psych Ward isn't much better then what they had in the dark ages. That caused me to question what in the world did they do that for. They didn't listen,and they jumped to conclusions,and I suffered more for their misunderstandings.

The Lord will bring you up out of this horrible pit. BF:hug::hug::hug:

you can do this. i promise...you can do this.

I don't know anymore!
 

Things are way out of control. I am losing it, I don't know what to do. I see my pdoc tomorrow but he won't do anything he never can because have been on so many meds. I think the meds won't help anyways. I am just too screwed up, and meds don't help things like PTSD and some other things i have.
Jen

:hug: You are fighting for your life against the beast called depression. Many of us do this on a daily basis, most of us succeed only to fight another day. It isn't easy, it isn't fun...there's no magic pill to make it go away. I want you to know that you aren't alone and it's ok to tell us how you are feeling and to be very tired of feeling this way.

Melody Beattie wrote a book called A Reason to Live after the death of her 12 year old son, not from suicide but this loss caused her such depression that she reached out to other people in a cry for help...she asked, "how would you respond to a friend who was thinking of taking his or her own life."

It's an excellent book with simple suggestions of things we can hold onto while waiting to feel better.

John Bradshaw, author of Homecoming writes, "Suicide is a hasty choice.
Use your imagination, the faculty of your soul, to find another choice.

(((Jen29))) It's hard work but you can do it...you can do it if you try. (reminds me of a song.) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TkQIpqej568&feature=fvw

(((Jen))), sent you another note! :hug:

You can find your way if you "stick with it!":winky:
Decide to not give up, no matter your feelings.

Feel your feelings, Jen. Yet, don't be deceived!:winky:
Do not allow your negative feelings to dictate your actions.

There are lots of doctors, lots of meds, lots of approaches (many without meds or in addition to meds).

There are so many potential "answers" for you!
There are infinite possibilities, (((Dear Jen))).

Don't let your fear take over, Jen. Decide not to put your fear or your pain in the driver's seat. Refuse to let them drive!!!

(((Alffe))) has suggested some great books!:)

Many others here are reaching out to you (((Jen))).

Let us help you to get through this.:hug:

It can be a tough fight, Jen. Depression, PTSD, abuse, anxiety, panic, regrets, losses, physical ailments, fear... you name it, Jen... they are all tough!:eek:

Life is tough! Life is sometimes simply gut-wrenching, Jen. It is full of pain and uncertainty, yet...

It is also full of love, joy and meaning!:hug:

YOU are also tough! You are! You may not feel as though you are tough, but you are! There are answers for you. You may not know what they are yet, but there are answers... for you.

Let us walk beside you while you find them?:hug:

"Soften," Jen..."open up" and feel the love so many are offering to you!
The walls... they keep the "yucky feelings" in.:(

Let the love shine through!!!
Let the love shine through!!!
Let the love shine through!!!:)

Many are offering you lots of love!:hug: :grouphug:
I hope you can feel the warmth of that love.:hug:

Stay safe (((Jen))). Stay safe. Stay safe.

What types of thing do help you?

Jen
 

I know that you are tired,but the lord will renew your strength. I've been through several life shaking events,but I'm still here. Sometimes things slowly turn around,but those mountains move. I don't know how God does it but these tremendous difficulties change.

Read Psalm 23,and remember Job in the Bible,and all of the things that happened to him. Even his friends discouraged him.

In Isaiah 41:10 He says Fear thou not; for I am with thee:be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee;yea,I will help thee;yea,I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. (King James Version)
Key words are Strengthen
help
uphold You
Cast not away therefore your confidence which hath great recompence of reward. Heb.10:35 (King James Version)

Hang on to these words,don't let go. I've fought with myself to hang on to these truths when I've gone through my battles,and I still hold on to these words.

In daily battles,I've read these truths,and no one can take His truths away.

These are some of the things that help me,but in a dark horrible pit of depression,I still reach out,and I still have these Bible verses,and things have straightened out in my life before at many times in my life.

Please keep holding on. You will get through it. Circumstances have a way of working out.

If we don't heal the way we thought,we can endure through His words of Grace directly to you from the Bible,and gives us some peace of mind.

Hang on Jen. Angels are with you,and I. Don't give up. BF:hug::hug::hug:

(((Jen))) Maybe you could make a list of things that are going right for you. You found this forum and made so many wonderful new friends.:hug: You now have people you can talk to who will know what you mean amd not judge you.:hug: If you are the type of person that likes to know specific plans and know what is on the agenda-maybe start a notebook and write down some things that you know for sure, some things you want to do, and make a plan for your day, hour by hour. I have even gone minute by minute, crossing them off as I survived them. It really helps me to make a plan the day before, it seems less daunting that way, and is also good to wake up and already have a written plan of what I am going to do, and methods I am going to use to cope. Sweet Majo said once she was ging to copy off some of the encouraging words she received from others here and tape them by her bed. (Did I get that right, Majo?) I thought that was an excellent idea. Printing out some of the most encouraging PM's might also help you, I have done that and it is nice to have them in print form on a real piece of paper. You could add some of them to a "survival purse" and hang it by your bed or put it under your pillow.
Most important of all, I think, is to keep talking about how you are feeling. We are all here to listen and care. :):hug::grouphug: