feeling abandoned
 

an old friend of mine and have recently been chatting via IM on friday nights when he gets done with work. we had agreed to tonight, but he just wasn't up for it. now we all know how that can happen... and i let him off the hook. after getting him to watch the whack-a-kitty video which got his spirits up just a little. but he still needed to get completely off the computer and do something completely different. so we said goodnight.

but i still feel abandoned. and lonely.

i react this way to any such little thing. and i cannot seem to distract myself or get over it already. it sinks in deep and eats my insides.

i feel so empty right now and so incredibly alone.

:(:(:(

~ waves ~

((((((((((waves)))))))))

:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

I fell that way 99% of the time... hope you can feel better soon.

Dear Waves,

I'm sorry about this. :hug: :hug: :hug:

And I understand how hard it is to carry on -- to be upset for a little while and then move on when you decide.
I don't really know how to do that yet.

Maybe kind of embrace the feeling.
This stinks and this is how you feel.
(Maybe not a good suggestion actually but I have done it before -- not lately because if I embrace something like that I don't know if I could pull out of it at some point.)

I am sorry he was not up to chatting with you. try to not take it personally...it is about him and not you.
It is disappointing to not have the interaction that you planned on ...again try to not take it personally.
I am sorry that you felt abondoned....
I am sure he would not want you to feel that way.
bizi

Thanks... all of you
 

Thank you Blue. I'm sorry you feel that way so often too. I do too... too often. i wish i knew how not to "fall into it." it's bizarre, isn't it?

Thanks Mari. Yeah i am not so sure about embracing the feeling... it is already pervasive. It is the kind of thing one doesn't want to end up "wallowing in" or you drown. It is morning now (actually i slept right past morning. it is 12.30pm). And i woke up sobbing after some weird dream.

Dear BiziYes you are right. He would not want me to feel that way, and it is about him. But i don't feel any better for it. :crazy::( I frequently experience these kinds of disappointments (word describes an appropriate reaction) as abandonment - an excessive reaction.

i know it isn't my friend's fault. i am not mad at him. but already i am getting scenarios of avoiding him next week to avoid another such incident. sigh. part of me knows it is dumb. the other part of me is just desperate to avoid these feelings.

had i had urgent need to talk, i believe he would have been there - at least for a little bit. but i didn't have "urgent need" for anything and he did. so i tried to behave, and not take advantage of him by whining, and just let him go.

and now here i am again... :( I HATE THIS!!!

The psych explanation is that these events because they mirror childhood events when i had unmet needs. Great! :rolleyes: So i wish the psychs could go one further and tell me how to get myself out of this funk.

I can't afford dialectical behavior therapy. Even assuming i could find a specialist here - i can't afford ANY therapy. I can either i take what i get for free, or nada, zip, zilch.

:(

Thanks guys for being here for me. :grouphug:

~ waves ~

idon't know if i am going to make sense or not but I think you have to focus on you and what you have to contend with. you are a hero for contending with bipolar for staying alive and not turning bitter. bipolar creates pseudo needs that i think will never be met. when do we have peace and calm? isn't there always inner turmoil? whenever a situation happens, it really skunks us because it is just the manifestation of the preexisting inner turmoil? don't abandon yourself. you are such a special person-so thoughtful and caring besides brilliant and multitalented. can you try to flood yourself with self love?
love
bobby

Dear Bobby,
I like hearing your reminders like this.
Thank you.
I hope that you are mostly ok.
M.

thank you. i have been awful. I haven't been active on the board or active anywhere. I feel so ineffectual. My bipolar is winning and so is my growing older and i haven't been feeling well.I do have a relationship with my sister but i think we both find it traumatic. She is very charming, gracious and friendly to me over the phone. It is scarey. I worry about you but i don't know what to say.
fondly
bobby

I am sorry bobby that you have been awful.
(((((HUGS)))))

Dear WAVes,
(((((HUGS))))))
maintaining friendships takes some work...anyway to talk about how you feel to him?
bizi

Dear Bobby
 

thanks so much for your message. the original abandonment stuff probably preceded the bipolar. i was not a bipolar child. but i do believe what the psych's say. i can look back and there was a lot of stuff i had to deal with - that i should not have had to deal with - on my own. and i could not deal with it, on my own. this probably helped precipitate bipolar later, and not the reverse.

dialectical behavior therapy (DBT) is a technique which is useful for Borderline Personality. I do not fit a Borderline diagnosis completely (for instance, i do not self-injure) but fear of abandonment is an aspect of it, and i have one or two others which is where i see DBT could be helpful. Maybe someday....

i don't know if i can flood myself with self-love or if would neutralize feelings of abandonment. with other kinds of incidents, i can actually get feelings of annihilation and have panic attacks or depersonalize or derealize and i can't feel any more at all. i have learned to reground myself, sometimes even avoiding meds... but usually remain somewhat flat at that point.

Bobby i am sorry you are feeling so unwell. I wish there was something I could do for you or all of us on the forum could do for you. :hug::hug::hug: Anyway, i will think about the self-love. (hopefully i won't overdo things and become a Narcissist hehe :p;)) Seriously though. I can't say that lately i have been very good at appreciating myself, so perhaps you have hit on something in that regard.

i wish things with your sister were smoother. you try and be kind to yourself too.

~ waves ~

Dear Bizi
 

i can talk to him about ANYTHING. he and i are really close friends... have been for decades.

it isn't this single event anything that occurs with him specifically that is the issue. the problem is with me. and it happens with many people, many situations. like when my therapist goes on holiday. so yeah, i could talk to him about MY problem but he can't make it go away.

the interaction would have to have gone exactly the same way as it did. he can't be catering to my fear of abandonment - that would be bad - for both of us. he did not blow me off, he was not unkind... nothing like that. there was nothing he could have reasonably done differently, in consideration of his situation and mine. i wasn't in an unusual situation. when i am, i can speak up. and he is someone i can count on. i can guarantee for him that if i had been messed up in some way and really needed to talk last night, he would have, at his own expense. and it's mutual.

but i cannot take advantage of that! (it was hard not to beg, but i knew it would have been unfair... and pathetic.) these were not exceptional circumstances!

~ waves ~

Hope you are feeling better now waves... :hug:

Talked to him again already or not yet ?

Dear Bobby,
I'm sorry that you have not been feeling well.

It's good to hear that you and your sister talk.

M.

Dear Waves,

You have dx'd the problem and identified a solution.
I wish the next steps (of therapy and then feeling better) were possible.


M.

He and i don't get to talk on the weekends. and i may stay off IM next week. :o it is not a between me-and-him thing, it's just a me thing. :(

Right, a solution. More than one way to climb a mountain though. i need to find one of the other ways. one that is possible... that i can do alone or whatever.

And various professionals - at different times - dx'd the problem, not me. i can look back and see that it makes sense however.

i hate this
 

the abandonment feeling was receding but i had another incident with someone else... i guess my expectations of that person were too high or just inappropriate. i won't go into it. not a close friend this time. and not something that should get under my skin to the degree that it does.

i still feel really lonely. i am used to a lot of solitude - require it, in fact. yet here, i don't have enough privacy/solitude, and yet i experience loneliness.

As George Thorogood sang: "When i drink alone, i prefer to be by myself" ... (minus the drinking in my case).

~ waves ~

I hope that you are feeling better real soon.
bizi

mindfulness
 

Hi,
You are prob aware of the DBT work books on the market.
They might work while you wait to hope you get the right kind of therapy.

One link I found focuses on how "mindfulness" can be the first skill:
http://www.associatedcontent.com/art...g2.html?cat=72

I mention this is because some of these things can be done to an extent with out a trained therapist.


Here's a link I found that gives instructions on mindfullness:
http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Dialect.../One-Mindfully

Maybe here or in the workbooks you can fine 2 or 3 things to use / practice.


M.

Waves

Sending you some hugs. I wish we were on at the same time so we could chat. Not that i would have a clue what to say.

Donna