irritable and depressed
 

externally things have been going well. today i even had my new carpet laid and i finally had the legs put on the couch. with the rent exemption increase form completed and sent in and the income taxes done from last week, that is a huge burden off my shoulders. With the cleaning woman who I adore coming in, my apartment is presentable. Even today my social worker from adult protective services dropped by unexpectedly and I really liked her.
A friend did call by accident and told me her mother died in feb and her brother who is fifty five is dying of pancreatic cancer but her husband is being wonderful to her.
My doctor put me on a higher dose of paxil but the pharmacy hasn't gotten it yet. I asked him if I needed more risperdal and he said no. All these blessings happening to me and I feel so irritable and depressed. I decided bipolar is no fun
Bobby

I am happy you are happy with your new things in your house, and that you like your cleaning person and your social worker, those are important things.

I am so sorry to hear of your loss' and illness of friends. That's always so hard, emotional, depressing. It's a normal response.

Bipolar - well it is tough, but sometimes (since I take my meds) I tend to be able to mostly deal with things better, well not everything, I sure do have my moments or breakdowns, but then there is a tough part of me that says you can do this, and I do. Strange, I know.:confused:

You just hang in there, pray for your friends, be happy for yourself and take it one day at a time.

We are all in some type of battle here it seems lately, but we are here for each other and thats what counts.

Hugs, Nikko;)

Hi,
How are you doing????????????????????????????????????????????? ???
Check in.....

Hugs, Nikko

Morgy, I remember you!!

((((((Bobby)))))),

You know I don't have bipolar. I've been 'blessed' *NOT* with chronic clinical depression (with a little borderline personality disorder thrown in just for fun) since I was 16 -- so I understand the depression (way too well).

I've been really stable for a long time. Then I started crawling down into the pit again -- didn't know why. So, I went to a shrink and she upped the one medication that's been perfectly tuned to do what I want it do.

Now, I don't sleep AT ALL with this stupid drug which is kicking up my fibro so I've got to ramp down s-l-o-w-l-y so I don't go into withdrawals.

I finally figured out that I was becoming depressed again because next month is the 40th anniversay of my baby brother's suicide. Didn't even need the shrink-person to figure that one out :rolleyes:

Bobby, I know how much depression http://chocolate-moose.p5.org.uk/MINIS/lollipop-002.gif

I always figure that I'm getting depressed 'again' because I've slipped from the TOP OF THE LIST. Try to be extra good to yourself -- drink tea out of pretty cups, sit someplace quiet like the back steps or a park or a nice leaf pile in the woods and let yourself feel and relax.

Even though we both hate the big 'D', we both know it doesn't last forever. Hang on and BREATHE.

Hugs.

Barb

hi
 

i can't say much-sensical right now... i'm dahhheyhgbdkpht after today, but i read your post, and i understand about how things outside are 'great' and yet one feels so horrid. yes. bipolar. with me when i'm depressed i tend to dislike sunny days, for instance. i feel i should enjoy it and can't. i feel ungrateful... all sorts of things. bipolar. no fun.

i light a virtual fire under that pharmacy's suppliers that they get your paxil in ASAP. ;)

i am so glad about your apartment... and all those external things. Come time you will enjoy them more fully... are you anhedonic overall right now, you know, where things you normally would enjoy leave you impassive?

i want you to be well.

love
m.

p.s. a little butterfly - black with orange markings, came to visit me today as i sat on the porch (MY porch - for the next day or two.) She settled on the railing, then fluttered a little, then settled back on the railing for a few seconds - long enough for me to see her well. then she flew away. i was touched. you know, strangely, i haven't seen a butterfly up close like that in years. let alone one that came to visit. i don't know why i wanted to share this but i did.

I think that butterflies are messengers form the other side.
I feel comforted if a butterfly tries to make contact...it is almost like magic.
I learned to day that all of our mosquito program is killing all of the bees and it is effecting the flowering of flowers ..need bees to pollinate...this also effets the flowers of the azalea bushes for nes t spring. ..the spraying has also effected the birds...not as many as there used to be.
Wigh the west nile virus being a problem around here...I don't think they will ease up on the spraying....
I saw a beautiful swallow tail butterfly today 8inch wing span...huge!
Perhaps you could walk in a woods and be quiet with yourslef and listen to what is contributing to your irritabilty....
be nice to your slef.
(((HUGS)))
bizi

Dear Morgy,
Paper work done, new carpet, a social worker and a cleaning lady -- lots of important stuff is happening, but I can see how it might not pull up a mood.

What color is the carpet? How do the kitties react to the changes?

I hope that you got the paxil.

Mari

hi bobby and mari
 

bobby how are you doing with all of the apartment overhaul? and the kitties.

mari i read the bold print in your zen thread. :confused: i think i stink at change too. but sometimes change stinks!!! :D

we are all three having our living quarters upheaved overhauled rebuilt reconditioned re re de un adj in ex to do do fixed cleaned ... changed.

my mood is better, i think because i am coming into peace with the ex- thing. i wonder if the zoloft increase has kicked in a little for me - at 200mg now. the nifty thing is, last time at 200 i didn't get migraines. zoloft is actually approved now for Pre Menstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD) interestingly enough, and that's when i get migraines, not usually otherwise. but i digress.

bobby have you been able to get hold of the paxil?

i am having a good "college student" moment now. pizza and coke. that is, cold pizza - hope to leave some for breakfast lol.

i hope you all are ok...

~ waves ~ until my next forum moment

bizi butterflies and birds
 

i haven't seen a swallowtail in aaaaaaaages. oh! since i lived in the islands.

butterflies as messengers thats neat. it does seem like such some sort of a blessing to be visited by a butterfly doesn't it tho?

is it you bobby that thinks of birds as messengers?

i think it is interesting... all flying creatures... like faeries

I was told by an Indian woman that birds were messengers. I found a little starling and gave him so much love and he died to the day my mother died s year or two before. The woman told me a parent would come back as a bird and get what they needed from their child.
I have been sleeping mostly the past two days. I did get my paxil. I haven't had any energy...my thoughts tend to be negative even with all these wonderful changes...even my terrace is clean...all these things that were pressuring me....I make jokes about being bipolar but lately I can't. I just see how powerful it is...it can leave you in such a vulnerable position.
The president of the coop board called my friend again today to ask how things were progressing. It felt like a blow.
I haven't been able to escape into reading much....I have been just too exhausted. I don't even feel like going downstairs to the deli to get a sandwich...
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
Sounds like you need to rest...listen to your body...rest....
(((HUGS)))
bizi

Hi Morgy,
I am thinking about you and hope you can get through your days.
Does the better organized apt help a little? I am interested in this because I hope it helps me.

Mari

Once I got through the shell shock of my apartment being a lot cleaner and more organized and went through a deep depression, it definitely helps...it got rid of a lot of stress. I still have to get rid of things in one closet and put things that are still in the living area into that closet..I am waiting to see if the woman who was doing the organizing and cleaning and who seems to have deep problems herself is coming back. If she doesn't, I have to hire somebody else. It has become so evident that at this point, I am unable to find the energy or to go against my defiance if that is what it is and do it myself.
My doctor asked me to describe my depression and I couldn't find the words.
Today I finally thought of how to describe it. It was being unattached with pain. Way different from being detached but with appreciation. It was unattached with no connection, no appreciation, just pain...I guess if not for the pain maybe it would like being trapped in a dead body. I don't know how others describe the awful pain of bipolar...it definitely wasn't connected with sadness.
Bobby

Just wanted to let you know that I hope you are feeling better real soon.
that sounded so sad......
((((hugs))))
bizi

((((((Bobby)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...uggiebears.gif

I'll be glad when they find cures for these D*** things.

I've spent a lifetime with the depression. I wish nobody -- I wish **YOU** never had to feel like this.

If it helps a tiny bit, picture all of us surrounding you with hugs and waves of love. All of us who've been in your position in some way or another wish we could just wave a magic wand and take all the bad parts away and leave the JOY.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb http://chocolate-moose.p5.org.uk/MIN...aresmilley.gif

thanks so much....now that I finally am able to put in words what I feel when I am in the depths of depression, I wonder if that will help.When I am there, I cannot even connect with my beloved kitty cats. I have been moving out of the depressive side now but I am scared that I am still vulnerable to slipping back. I am still hibernating in my apartment and need to go to the bank. Don't know if I will be able to get myself to go today.
Bobby

How about going out for an ice cream cone instead -- and stop at the bank on the way back.

Maybe if you change the destination...

Hugs.

Barb http://chocolate-moose.p5.org.uk/MINIS/flowerysmile.gif

great idea barb!

that is a great idea...but right now my anxiety has really kicked in and I am shakey when I am walking. I just went downstairs to get some coffee. I also took another klonopin. I have to remember that. At least I was able to get the mail...my mailbox was full and the doorman rang up..and I paid some bills...clinic bills I didn't know I owed from 2005.
I am treating myself with sort of kid gloves because I am so scared of slipping back into that depression and I don't like that my anxiety level is so high. It is strange but coffee calms me down.
I am also waiting to hear from an agency for my rent freeze. I hope I didn't mess up the form. It is such a beautiful day in NYC...I wish I could take advantage of it.
Bobby

Dear Morgy,
I guess by putting the depression into words, you can kind of get a grip on it, look at it easier, and examine it. And have some more control over it.

I hope that the anxiety abates soon.
Mari

Hi Morgy - Just wanted to let you know, I am thinking of you, hoping for brigher days ahead for you.

Lots of big bear hugs, Nikko................aka - you know who I am right?;)

oh yes.....I know who you are :-) thanks so much I really appreciate it. I seem to be fighting another bout of depression...today I slept most of the day...and once again I am irritable. I think the higher dosage of paxil is helping me a bit. I feel it is so chemical the depression.
I called up about the rent freeze and so far I am not in the data base. I was told it could take between four to six weeks. I guess I am also upset about my cleaning woman Carol probably not returning. I think I know whom I will hire even though he is a lot more expensive. I am worried about money but I am more worried about depression and irritability. I stopped listening to music for a while. It became too much. The reading isn't distracting. Everything right now is an effort. I don't want to leave my apartment for the life of me.
The weather is new york has been beautiful and I can't make myself take advantage of it.
Oh rats
Bobby

Dear Morgy,
When reading and music don't work anymore, what can you do? Sleep??

For me, a good clearning woman can be as valuable and as hard to find as a good therapist.
It's ok to miss good weather. You'll take advantage of what you can when you can.

Feel better.
Mari

I hear you loud and clear morgy - depression and everything an effort.

I have no choice but to kick myself in the butt and do certain things.

Sleep is my escape from all that is going on in my life. Yet the during the night wake ups are bad, then getting up at 4am, it's crazy.

Music is good, just some songs can get to me. Reading is great if you can get into a good book, I can't seem to concentrate enough.

Maybe just take a walk, since the weather is nice, it might be a little pick me up. I'll send my 2 dogs over and they will walk you....LOL no they are good. Oh I wish I was in NYC I would go and get one of those hot pretzels with mustard!!!!

Thinking of you always, take it easy, baby steps as they say! Whomever they are, that always cracks me up.....

Time to pick up doggy poop in my yard, and feed my cockatiels and bunnies.
It's only 9am here.

Weather is nice here too. I took a short early morning walk with the dogs, it was peaceful.

Hang in there.....Lots of Hugs, Nikko;)

((((((Bobby)))))),

THAT'S what we all need :D

We'll head over to Nikko's and get some of that good home cooking (I wish there was a drool smilie).

Then we can all take a walk with **Nikko's Zoo** to walk off all those calories :D

When I was still working, I had the most incredible cleaning crew -- a husband, his wife, and his brother-in-law. THREE people and they only charged for ONE. The place absolutely glowed when they'd been there. The wife used to take all my books off the bookshelves and dust them. I've got hundreds and hundreds of books. Man, I miss them.

I don't clean at all. It it weren't for Casey-Cat eating the fur off the carpet, I'd be knee-deep :o

This is Casey-Cat (the brown stripey one on the right):
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...2904Image8.jpg

That's his brother, Puffy, on the left. There's another one too, Pumpkin -- he's orange striped.

I got two short-haired and one long-haired in the same litter. They just turned seven in August.

Take small steps, Bobby. Try to do one nice thing for yourself every day. Even if it's something as small as just walking around the house once. Or drinking tea out of a china cup. Or picking some wildflowers for yourself.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

I first have to admit for the last five years since I have been seeing Dr.Moussavian and have been put on medication even though I have gained zillions of pounds and have dry mouth and some other unpleasant side effects
my quality of life is soooooo much better than it has been the rest of my life.
When a couple of my friends bemoan getting older and how bad it is I can't complain. One friend today said my life really must have been hell.
I really cracked a smile about the kitty cat and so enjoyed the picture. I am so glad you have your two dogs! My doggies used to get me out of my apartment. I wonder how many of us have cleaning issues. I wonder how many of us have energy issues? I wonder how many of us have sleeping issues? Right now there appears to be no stability in my life. I don't feel any equilibrium. This is the third day I haven't ventured out of my apartment. Thank goodness I am not afraid to answer the phone. I don't even know why I am afraid or hesitant to leave the apartment. I don't know what I feel vulnerable about.
It could just be my anxiety and I could be translating that anxiety into vulnerability.
YOU JUST DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE THE SUPPORT YOU ARE GIVING ME. THANK YOU FROM THE BOTTOM OF MY HEART.
Bobby

H ave you thought about getting another doggie?
That would help you get out of the house again.
and fill a void that I feel is still there.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Hi Bizi
How are you doing? It is beginning to get colder here and I guess you will continue to do gardening lol...
My apartment building won't let me get another dog. I already am over my quota for pets. I am only supposed to have two cats at most or one dog and I already have three cats.
Also Abby,one of my kitty cats is like a baby. She will never grow up. She demands so much attention. She is an Abyssisian...most doglike...even when I was petting Snowy this morning, she was tapping me with her paw wanting to be petted. Yuki is a dollface. When I pet her, she licks me. The more attention I give them, the more attention they seem to need.
I still think a lot about hammy and morgy...maybe too much...they were my forever doggies...I was so bonded to them....a large part of my world collapsed when they died....but they did get me out of the house and into some kind of a routine. Before I got them, I had the tendency to stay inside. They did open up the world to me...it was slammed shut when Hammy died...he died after Morgy died.
Bobby

Your kitty's sound so so cute!!!! Isn't it wonderful they all have their own little personality's, just like my dogs.
Even my bunnies and birds do, if you know them well enough.

I am sending my dogs over, I mean it, you can take them for the walk to get me that warm pretzel with lots of mustard on it........or one of those great NY pizza pies, I swear no place makes pizza like NY. I grew up on Long Island.

Remember to send my dogs back, just put a back pack on them with the goodies, they should find their way back...ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'd be a nervous wreck. Wish I could take a trip to NY, then visit you, and my relatives on LI, and my cousin in Jersey, then back to where I use to live and visit my friends. NO funds to do so. He has left me in such a financial mess, I have to give up my car. At least I have my mom's, she doesn't drive anymore, and we really don't need 2 cars. It's just I only had 12 mos left to pay on it, well the repo man will be coming one of these days. I guess it is a blessing, no more car payments or car insurance. My husband also ruined my credit so badddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd.


I know how you feel, although I hate when people tell me that. I just know what you are going through in a way.

Maybe when you go to your p-doc's appt. and you are out, you could go window shopping, or a walk, or a movie, or stop for a coffee, just a start, get some fresh air, before it gets too cold. When do they start decorating everything in the city for Xmas? The tree's must be changing by now, you could see all the pretty colors. I don't have that here, just lots of palm trees and cactus. If I want to see trees, you have to go up one of the mountains, and then you feel the temp change, it's really strange, it's like taking a trip to New England.

Here I am rambling again, sorry.

Housework, God I wish I had some help with that, but I do it at my own pace.

Missing your doggies is tough, I still miss my 2 german shepherds that passed a year ago this past April and August. A part of me died when they did, they were 12 1/2. Now I have a 2 yr old German Shepherd, he is a lover boy, follows me everywhere. He loves people too. Plus my 3 yr old 1/2 GS and half Greyhound, she is more timid and quiet though, she is a real good girl.

When I lived back East, my depression seemed to get worse when the cold weather came and we had to change the clocks back, and it got dark early. They said I suffered from SAD seasonal aff. disorder. I think that is true of a lot of people. We don't change our clocks here, and it never gets cold, only at night the 40's and the winter days are in the 60's. It helps, but I miss my friends.

Just remember morgy, you are not alone, by any means. Post away, sorry if I get off topic from your posts and then telling you my comparison. Geeze I wrote a book here.

As bad as it gets, I try to think that there are people much worse off.

You take care, okay????????????? Lots of big doggie hugs and licks, NIKKO;)

Hi, Bobby. I am thinking that the sleep is good for you right now. There is so much going on. I wish that there was a way for someone to bring you food without causing more stress. I wish you could eat. I am worried for you.

More hugs.

EreBear.

hi Bobby,
Thinking of you and hoping that you getting over the weirdo mood.
Mari

Yesterday I left my apartment after the four day I think and got a sandwich and ashamed to say some potato chips....today I see my pyschiatrist. Thank you so much for your thoughts.
A friend wrote me and she said getting out helps her with her feelings of being unattached. She is also married, has two grown children who still live with her and a husband and of course two dogs and a kitty cat and was sexually abused by her father who was an MD and who had a pathological mother who was also an MD. She has her own demons too obviously.
I am going to have to write her and ask her how she gets herself out and if she has a tendency to want to stay home. She also got herself a job working with children.
This is the perfect weather for walking and Manhattan is a perfect place for walking. All I want to do is stay in bed and read. I just bought more books from ebay as if I don't have enough.
Yesterday I threw out two big trash bags of papers...I was really careless and didn't go through them well. All I knew is I wanted them out of my apartment to continue attempts at organization. Tomorrow I hope to throw out more papers. A lot are related to when I was manic and did a lot of trading in the stock market. I wish I had known I was bipolar then.
Still in the weirdo mood...still without a house cleaner...still looking
Bobby

Dera Bobby,
I hope that your session goes well today for you.
Great work in throwing out the bag full of papers!!!!!
way to go!!!
one peice at a time one bag at a time....bit by bit it all gets done....
(((HUGS))))
bizi

thank you. my session went very well today. I told Dr.Moussavian my description of my deepest depression...being unattached to anything with no appreciation of anything and having a lot of psychic pain...like being in a dead body except for the pain and then asked him if he had ever heard that description before. He said no but it had to be truly painful and he could grasp the intensity of the depression. I told him I hadn't read it but was finally able to describe how it felt and maybe it would help him in understanding the deep depression of other bipolar IIs.
I was also delighted when he said he approved of my wanting to give my closest friend another beautiful gold necklace because of all she has been doing for me out of gratitude and I have been able to do nothing for her.
I was so afraid he was going to say it was a bipolar thingie.
I told him the disappointment over Carol, my former cleaning woman who I haven't heard from and who I said had deep problems. He suggested I use his cleaning woman who commutes from Philadelphia to New York. I said that would be great. He called her up and gave her my number and said that I wasn't a good house keeper. She later called me and at first wanted eighty dollars. We finally agreed on sixty five dollars. Later I looked up the railroad rates and the bus rates and I wonder if it is going to work out unless she can do two apartments the same day. He say she was very fast besides very intelligent, reliable and trustworthy. She is coming on Monday. Dr. Moussavian is such a gem. I also got a kick over listening to him on the phone. He also had another phone call and I so enjoy his style. That prompted another phone call which I told him I wouldn't mind if he made right away. He said are you sure and I said fine....talk about hero worship. He has such a way with people.
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
Your pdoc is amazing.
I like the part of his finding you a cleaning lady --- even if she does commute from Philladelphia.

Your description of your depression will help him. And maybe he can help you get better.

Mari

Great story about your pdoc bobby,
he is amazing!!!!!
hope you are feeling better....
(((HUGS)))
bizi

Hi,
You sound better!!!! Your p-doc sounds great.......

Hugs, Nikko

Dr Moussavian is the greatest but now I am worried that the cleaning woman is going to reject me. On Sunday and Monday morning, I will try to straighten out this place a little more. I looked up how much it costs by bus and by train from Philadelphia to New york and it is expensive. If she doesn't have another appointment in New York, I don't see how it is worth her while.
A close friend who lives in my building was admitted to the hospital a couple of nights ago. He is in the ICU. He was already in a weakened state after being in the hospital for a month in January. I am so sad about it. Also workmen are on my terrace drilling out old bricks and putting in new ones. It isn't as noisy as I thought but I only have a studio so I feel I have no privacy.
The joke is that yesterday morning, I felt my chemistry was beginning to go back to some stability. Everything seems shot now. Last night I got two hours of sleep.
Bobby

hello dear bobby
 

i picked out of your last post that (albeit ironically given new stressors) you were starting to feel chemically stable... that is so important, even if right now it is transitory... something is working! the building work will be over at some point ugh what torture. they did a lot of that at my place. some days i just would scream shut the * up!!! at the top of my lungs (in english of course :D ) and since i often sleep/nap during the day.... well it was, well, most inconvenient.

i'm sorry to hear your cleaning help might disappear. good that you are reacting and being a lttl emore active. we will find solutions. boy am i positive tonight. something must be wrong with me lol.

well anyway. before i blather more... wanted to check in with you... then read a little more...

i am on parents' dialup right now.

love
~ waves ~

so glad you finally checked in....I was worried...I giggled about your comment about sounding positive...it is scary isn't it...the girl scout motto be prepared.. for a bipolar doesn't that mean not something positive roflmao....
I waited all day to call the hospital about my friend Ron. I was so afraid they said he died....instead I was told his blood pressure is now normal...and although he is still not stable, he is more stable...I don't know why but I get so angry at people when they talk about his drinking...I think he is a self medicating bipolar...I guess I just want them to talk about how wonderful he is...depression is a hard one to deal with...
Love
Bobby