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TBI and Divorce
My husband told me yesterday he wants a divorce. He says he cannot handle the stress and that
I am not the person he married, the real blow was he said that my head injury was not very bad and I really should be better by now. I know we were having problems but I just thought we needed space so I left the other night because he yelled at me and called me a *edit* and I snapped and had to get out. We were in a Motorcycle accident 4 years ago he was driving and I flew off the back and hit my head @ 65 mph. He says he has stayed this long because he felt resposible for me but it is too much for him. He is burnt out. So after 17 years of marriage and seeing him through open heart surgery, his type 1diabtes, loving him unconditionally through lifes ups and downs, he picks now to want out. I have not been able to work since the accident and have no income, I am under his insurance, my car is broke down, because of finical problems in our business we own together we have stopped getting a paycheck, the last thing I think I can handle is finding the energy to go through a divorce. It is not like I have not tried to get well I have seen the DR’s tried different therapies. I know that I have changed but I have tried to be the best wife to him I could with what I have. I cook dinner every night and clean the house, go shopping and the funny thing is that the more I tried to make him happy and act like everything was OK the more I was hurting myself. Since I left him I have not had a seizure or felt overwhelmed. I have stopped and only do what I want to do I don’t have to make anyone else happy I don’t cook dinner I don’t make the bed less I want to I do the dishes when I can. And no one is watching TV at full volume and talking on the phone at the same time. And snoring so loud I can not sleep. I have had time to think about everything long and hard and, we both have created a very toxic relationship. No one gives you the tools to handle the changes after a head injury. I was just told to go home and rest it will go away. And that is bad advice sometimes because My husband does not understand and says how come you are not better you should be better by know like I want to live this way. I think there is a part of him that feel I am faking not trying hard enough. Before the accident I was so active he used to get mad at me because I had such a full schedule I worked full time with him, I worked out 4 times a week, I traveled, went to school part time and had a very busy social life full of friends and family. My nick name was running dog. Now when he comes home he says what did you do today who did you talk to, where is dinner and if everything is not done or I did not have a good day he is very passive aggressive and leaves to go out with his friends. I am just torn on what to do next I don’t blame him for this I know he is a good person put in a hard situation. I love him more than life itself and I don’t want to be selfish and cause him pain and make him stay with me because of guilt, that is not fair. I don't have anger issues and I don't act out on him. I just don't function very well, I am not perfect and have some real congitive issues, and our life is not the same everything is differnt no more last minute lets go out to dinner, or lets go on a trip, everything takes twice as long as it use to I used to do errands on my lunch hour that will take me all day to do now. Should I let him go, so he can have a better life. I thought when I married him at 29 years old I had found my soul mate Alos he has a girlfriend I just found out about and that hurts to but not as bad as the uncoditional love I thought we had |
lopi,
I sorry to hear of your recent developments. Have you ever had a neuro-psychological assessment done? If he does not believe that your symptoms are real, maybe you need a professional diagnosis. A diagnosis of your current condition and prognosis may be important in divorce proceedings, too. Some couples find that they can't afford a divorce. Maybe you just need space to live in quiet. If it makes a big difference for you, it will probably make a big difference in how he perceives you, too. It does sound like you need some good professional advice. Maybe an attorney who understands brain injury and also divorce issues? And the neuro-psych assessment. If you financial situation puts you in a qualifying state for MediCaid, maybe you can get the neuro-psych. Just some ideas. My best to you. |
Dear Sweet Lopi,
I am so sorry that you are going through all this pain. The fact is that 80% of marriages end after a serious brain injury. I’m not telling you this so you can feel like a statistic (there’s cold comfort in that), but because I think you need to know that you are not alone. Heck, I know you’re not alone because my long and once happy marriage is teetering for exactly the same reason. Frankly, we’re only holding it together for the sake of our young child. Aside from guilt over the accident and infidelity (I hope), we have all the same issues you described. My husband isn’t supportive and expects way too much from me. As some days I function better than others, he too accuses me of exaggerating my symptoms and playing “martyr.” In his defence, like you, I was a real energizer bunny before my accident and, if the change is incomprehensible to me, how can I expect him to understand it? How can I be a good wife to him when I’m a stranger to myself? Like you, I try to fake normal – and that makes me sicker and sicker. In your post you wondered if you should let him go for his sake. Perhaps you should let him go for your sake? You are happy and healthier without him around – that should tell you something. I’m not trying to be flippant. I know that emotional and financial issues make it difficult to just walk away. However, after a TBI we can’t go back to who we were before. We have to rebuild new lives – and it doesn’t sound like your husband wants to, or is capable of, being part of that process. There’s lots more I could say about this, but it’s kind of a painful and personal thing to put in a public post. If you want to talk, feel free to PM me. Take Care |
Hi Lopi,
I'm so so sorry about the situation you find yourself in. I don't have much advice to offer you, but I definately have an ear to listen. In a perfect world (God's world) you and your husband would be able to work it out and be ok. I know that we live in a fallen world and that life is far from perfect. I am here if you want to PM me and talk. |
Lopi
Oh my goodness!
The same happened to me! We had been married for 23 years and my husband left me approx 5 months afterwards and didn't believe there was anything wrong with me from such little bumps on my head. After all I had always managed everything so well and easily! He woudln't go to specialist appointments with me, discuss it - nothing. When I was going to bed early like say 8.30-9pm he would come to bed at 11pm and want to turn the light on to read! I tried so hard to get better. I was obsessed with getting better. All he did was look at me sadly - that was the worst thing he could have done to me. I was the same as you - wonder woman, worked full time, was the perfect corporate wife, mother of 19 year old and 22 year old. Beautiful house, 2 cats and a dog and had thought I was lucky! In hind sight it was me who always propped up my husband and like my daughter has said all along, I was the strong one. Even though I have remarried to an amzing man I admit that I will always be wanting an appologyand believe I deserve one. He is now sailing around the Pacific on his yacht - lucky him. After he left all I could think of was "I have to go to work". I didn't tell anybody that he was leaving - and he left the country a week before Christmas. I got a phone call in January telling me he wanted the house sold. An auction was arranged for March - on my birthday! I was very lucky that law firms close for up to a month here at Christmas so didn't have to face work immediately. Mind you he did give me a couple of weeks notice before he actually went = oh so considerate! I believe totally that I am better off without him - at the time he left I just didn't feel anything - I was totally numb - I later found out that was a sign depression. I have survived. House was sold and I bought another smaller home in a not as nice area, the dog died in the interim and I still have the cats. Be very very careful and get good legal advice - I did my own and was my own worst advisor! (even though I am trained) All this caught up with me 2 years ago and I had to give up work. In New Zealand we have accident compensation and receive 80% of our previous income - problem is they harrass you constantly and send you off for all sorts of assessments - as if they don't believe you either. I feel that I have spent the last 8 years having to prove myself - ridiculous. Please make sure that you ask for the help you need - I didn't as I was too proud to. I wish that I had. You will cope - notice that we are all copers that post on here and all have been high achievers - I so understand. Big hugs Lynlee |
relation
man relationships get deep
shes up in the middle of the night to go creep not even asleep lay awake face tingling mind weak scientist said darwin told him earths no place for the weak trying to get this head thru aphasiatic speak its turning this rebel yell inward and meek burning I tell her how my passions hoping she can be the nurse for my coping focus for my visual scoping reason for my hoping I love this girl more than my life since I saw her wanted her for my life got on knees to make her my wife the beutiful son we brought into this world shes so magical weve been toghether for seaven years i sould be settiling down now Just cant get over my fears whats holding me back from getting back up making a 100 percent comeback when I get back the worlds gonna know never gonna let nothing but love show shes graduating soon with her second degree I know that that new life wont include me so since shes the mom I guess she gets my kid thats usually how the judge sees it all the blood sweat and tears I guess doesnt make me fit to be a father or make her want me for a husband shes the most beutiful soul glowing why does god want our lovly river to stop flowing You know water travels from elevations of high to low mountains to oceans along the way it erodes transports and deposits sediments this concussion is eroding my soul transporting my family dear god jesus mother nature jah budda higher power uplifting truth is what were after deposit these sediments of joy into all our lifes start rotating this earth with positive magnetisum revolutions of love around our son hopefully a growing family with more children to come |
Thank You
This is one area that is not talked about to much and I am the last person that I thought would have to go through it
I feel like I have woken up from a bad nightmare but it is real. I do take a lot of the responesabity for it, in a disfucntiona sort of way. I was so wraped up I the victim role look at me I need help that I never knew that he was hurting also. My whole identity ws so wrapped into finding next doctor the next treatment that I forget I was in a relationship. and a relationship needs attention to. Not that what he did was right or wrong it just is what it is and when i woke up and looked around at the destruction of what that small moment of time that it took from the accident to happen and the long road of years of pain and suffering, there just has to be a reason a higher power involed and there is nothing else to do but trust that knows the answer and once you LET GO AND LET GOD AND KNOW THAT I AM the truth will set you free. I just have to keep mthe faith and love myself becasue if I don't love me who will. Lopi |
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Welcome to NT We do understand. I've gone through an emotional rollercoaster since my injuries in 10-2000. Hubby has too. I am not the same. He is not the same either. I am stronger than I ever thougth I was. He is not as strong as I thought. Through it all, we're still on. We have to use a lot of love for glue, to patch the holes and cracks that happened along the way. It takes hard times for us to realize what we're made out of. I'm sure hubbies realize things too, usually too late. It's not easy dealing with health challenges. You have to put your health first. Things will be upside down for a while. It'll be ok... PM me if you need to. If you want to work things out, he has to want that too. You do whatever you have to, okay? You certainly don't have it easy right now. :grouphug: It won't always be this way. :wink: |
I'm sorry this is happening to you Lopi. :hug: My marriage has had its ups and downs also, and it was tough after I was diagnosed with MS and my emotions and energy started going haywire. We've been married nearly 30 years now. I put up with a lot of stuff in the first 23 years or so.
I had to confront my DH several times to get him to realize things were going to change and he had to deal with it. It's still tough for him and sometimes I think he's just going to give up. But I have to keep strong for myself, and like you said, love and care for myself. Take care of yourself and your health first, that's what you have to do when illness strikes. I think it's the thing that causes the problem in many marriages. If the one who has the nurturing role gets sick, and if the other is dependent on that, things get very rocky, because the emotionally weaker partner doesn't know how to carry the bigger load of responsibility. It's a struggle for us, and DH knows he has to deal with it and it's tough. If they leave, it's their failure, not ours. |
Well, you can see from the posts here that you are not alone: illness can be devastating for our marriages. While we’re all hear to listen to you anytime, I would feel better for you if you had more support closer to home.
If you don’t yet feel ready to go to your family and friends, please consider contacting the Brain Injury Association of America www.biausa.org and/or your local chapter in Washington: BIA of Washington President: Jason Barber, MS 3516 S. 47th Street, Suite 100 Tacoma, WA 98409 Phone: 253-238-6085 TBI Helpline: 877-824-1766 In State Toll Free: 800-523-5438 Fax: 253-238-1042 E-mail: info@biawa.org Website: www.biawa.org Those folks have a lot of experience dealing with the issues you are facing and they want to help you. Be Kind to Yourself! |
I know how it is, I've been married for 2 years, and me and my husband have gotten into some many fights over me.
About my mood swings, and he said also, that I'm not the same person he married, that I snap at him when he's just trying to talk to me, and he also says that I use the accident as an excuse. we've worked things out, and he understands I have emotional problems, and it's hard for me to control them, I told him when I'm p****d off, don't touch me, otherwise I get more p****d. My mother even told him the same thing....lol. I'm trying to get it under control, but the hardest part is knowing that my husband will never really understand what goes on inside my head, becuase not even do I. |
New member
I am glad I recently found this website. My traumatic brain injury was 4 years ago. Like many others, my TBI changed my life AND my families lives were forever changed. The seperation and the divorce certainly were a suprise for me. I never wanted the "temporary seperation" that turned into a divorce 15 mos. later. My x wife gave 110% of her time, effort, and support during the 18 mos. after my TBI. Initialy. I have nothing derogitory to say about her.
It was a long slow process in learning to accep the fact that I am a different person. Three years ago when I told my psychologist it was difficult for me to compare the old Jeff vs the new Jeff, because this new Jeff never knew the old Jeff. Looking back, I think her response was almost perfect for me. She said, "try to think of it as amplified existing personality traits". She hit the nail right on the head. Prior to my TBI I was competitive and persistant. Amplify these traits and there is a potential problem. During the 18 years we were together we rarely argued. This is not always a good thing. Unattended wounds do not always heal, sometimes they fester and get worse. Unspoken words are not always better left unsaid. Our sons were 10 and 12 when my TBI happened. Camden is a great town of about 3,000 people. Every day at school and in stores they repeatidly heard, "how is your dad?" Looking at the past through our sons perspective enough was enough! The word sterotype often comes to mind. Because I now have a part time hourly job, on SSD, Medicare, Medicare, and do not own a car People quickly take sides. It was eaither poor Jeff, or that SOB got what he deserves. I no longer had the nice house and new car. An examole was one day I was riding my bike in the rain on my way back to my efficiency apt. from the laundry mat. Nice guy pulls over in his truck and says, "throw the bike in and get in," I said nope and peddeled away. Looking at it through his perspecitve he felt poor Jeff. I was overly independent and not appreciative, a mistake. Looking back, I am still trying to change the things I can change, accept the things I cannot change,,,, and the biggest challenge will be the wisdom to know the difference!! |
TBI/Divorce/WOW!
Finding this website was very reassuring for me. I seem to share a lot of lifestyle changes that others have shared. I am not alone. TBI + different person = seperation/divorce (sometimes). I suffered a TBI in 12/06 and am a different person. My wife of 18 years gave 110% of her time, effort, and support during the year and a half after my TBI, then,,,,,,,,its like someone flicked a light switch off. She wanted a "temporary seperation". I certainly did not want our sons (12 + 13) to leave their home,,, so relutlantly I moved out of our home/house. It was me or them.
During the 18 years we were together, and to this day we rarely argued. Sometimes this is not good, as unattended wounds sometimes fester and get worse. We got divorced in 10/08, and I would still take her back in a heart beat. Needless to say this has had a negative impact on my single life. I fought the divorce and this cost us a lot in legal expences. She is still a good mother for our teenage sons and they live an hour away. I certainly feel blessed for what we had, and I still feel blessed for our sons. Sometimes good memories make me sad. During the final stages of the divorce process I bought out her equity of the house, so empty rooms and wall pictures make me sad. Soon I might face forclosure on the house. and I try to look at things through my x wife's perspective, "a house is just a house, a home is what you make out of it." We might have been the ideal Americam dream family prior to my TBI. Good jobs, nice house, nice cars, I was a little league coach, she was a scout leader, church members, ect.. In this town of about 3,000 people we were the talk of the town when we seperated. The rumor mill sounded off statements like "what ever happened to till death do us part, poor guy". Or, on the other side, "he deserves what he got, no car and a small efficiency apt.." Because of this celebrity status I think it was in our sons best interest to move. As teenagers how many times a day did they need to "hows your dad?" Looking back, as a store manager with a nationwide retailer I gave 110% of my time and effort to my career. I should have given 110% effort to my wife and kids. I am a different person,,,, with the same company, now I do the work a stock boy would do, and I love my job. |
TBI/Divorce
-I suffered a TBI, went through a divorce, and am a rookie in this site. So please bear with me. I am a different person because of my TBI, yet after reading other peoples stories on this website and attending the TBI support group meetings in Syracuse it certainly helps knowing I am not alone.
-As you know, over 50% of people end up going through a divorce without a TBI, however when you factor in a time frame of two years after a TBI you will see a seperation/divorce rate that is way above the national average. -I fell down a flight of stairs at a friends house on 12/15/06. No I was not drunk at this X Mas party. If this sounds like denial I say yes it is, yet it is also a medicaly proven fact. The negative impact of denial is usually under estimated by those who survive and their spouses. I am talking about the cognitive deficiencies during recovery. -I was a person of good work ethics. My Psychologist describes personality changes due to a TBI as "amplified existing personality traits". Amplify this and I established getting my career back as my #1 priority and my marriage and kids as my my #2 priorty. I would try to hide things like memory problems or try to avoid carrying on a normal conversation. To me it seemed like people were constantly changing the subject. Thus I would isolate myself from family members. Watching a tv show and keeping up with a conversation is still out of the question. Reading a book takes me a VERY long time. -My x wife did 110% of what society normaly expects a souuse to do during the two year after math of my TBI. Then, in 07/09 it was like she flicked the swith off in our relationship. She said, "you move out or the boys (12 + 13) and I will move out. I did not want the sepeation, and I especialy did not want our sons to move so I got an efficiency apt.. -I felt reassured because she said this was a "temperary seperation". Looking back I was wrong. If I knew then what I know now would I have done differently and not moved out? Nope! This is one of the sad yet simple things that often happen regarding the TBI/divorce,,, it happened to me,,,,,I cannot change the past. Change the things I can change, accept the things I cannot change, wisdom to know the difference,,well I am still working on it. -I am no longer the store manager of a 1000,000 sq. foot dept. store. Yet I am still with this nationwide co., and I enjoy my job as a part time stock boy, in the same store. -Our family was what some people might think of as a picture perfect, American dream family. Nice house, nice cars, good jobs, and sons active in sports and scouts. We went to church every Sunday. Then came my TBI. I do not have it worse than anyone else! After all, I want what is best for my x and my sons, and I woke up this morning. I certainly never wanted the seperation/divorce and I try to focus on the future. It ain't easy, sometimes good memories make me sad, but again, I try to focus on the future. :) |
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Thanks, Jeff |
Same boat as u all
I am on the other end. My husband is the one with the TBI. 3 years ago he was involved in a horrible motorcycle accident. The doctors indicated if he were to survive the accident he would never be the same man I married. We had been married for 24 years. Due to the changes he had from the TBI we are in the process of divorce. He wants nothing to do with treatment but knows he has a problem and can get help but refuses. It is heart breaking. I am so glad i found this site. i don't feel like I am a crazy woman so much when I explain what my concerns are here. I married for better for worse and in sickness and in health. i cannot walk away from him when he is sic. Jesse has reverted in ways to a much younger man and his actions are that of a much younger single man. I am so confused at the moment and really need the support of someone going through the same as I.
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I am very sorry to hear about all your marital problems related to your TBI. I can't imagine what that is like. I lost one of my best friends due to my TBI, not that it compares by any means.
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smendoza,
My father went through the maturity regression as he deteriorated from dementia. It is a tough situation. My heart goes out to you. As much as you want to be there for him, his injury has cause his brain to think and react in ways that you will never understand. He probably does not even have a good explanation for his choices and behaviors. I have a friend who suffered a severe head injury in a motor cycle accident. She divorced her husband because she could not tolerate the sacrifices he had to make for her. She wanted to cut him free, or so she says. She is a wonderful person, but, she is permanently disabled. She is completely ambulatory, but she struggles to get her thoughts out. She has severe aphasia and is always getting her words mixed up. I can understand him to a small extent. It is difficult to form relationship concepts for some of us. I have to act properly from discipline because my natural behavior would not be so supportive of a marriage relationship. It takes strength to maintain a relationship with the damages to the emotional thoughts that come with a brain injury. Then, there is the guilt of the outrageous outbursts of anger. My interpersonal skills have been deteriorating since my first concussion at 10 years old. It was only when a neuro-psych assessment described my condition that I was able to start to develop disciplines to behave better. I decided that I did not want to be a slave to the bad behaviors of mTBI. You might want to post some thought on the spouses thread. I started it a week or two ago. It is for people who have or are dealing with what you are going through. btw, At TBI Support group the other night, a participant's wife mentioned how the statistics show that only 2% of TBI marriages stay together. My best to you. |
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Jeff, If you use the Post Reply button to the lower left, it will not include all of the quote. Many do not have interest in reading a quoted reply. Scanning just a POST REPLY is much easier.
Plus, your posts without any paragraph spacings are very difficult to read for those of us with PCS vision problems. In reading your posts. I don't see much in the way of questions needing a reply. You are offering general input but nothing specific. Did you realize you responded to a thread that is two years old? In the upper left corner is a date of the post. Some of these old threads are of little interest, especially with all of the new threads being started. Lately, many have used this forum as more of a Blog than a discussion. How are you doing with your PCS? Are you struggling with symptoms? What are your worst symptoms? Have you found anything that helps you reduce your symptoms? Have you considered my suggestion to not use your real name? If you change your screen name, it will change it in all of your past posts. I think I suggested PCSJeff or something similar. My best to you. |
Thanks
Thanks for the response. I am still learning how to communicate with others on this website, and probably the most important thing I have learned is that I have a lot to learn when it comes to how to use this site to communicate with others.
Anyway, my TBI was + four years ago. I attend TBI support group meetings in Syracue, NY, about am hour from where I live, up here in northern NY. For what it is worth coming from me,,, one thing I feel that is underestimated by society and most in the medical profession is that the percentage of us who suffered a TBI and then go through a seperation/divorce within two years is well above the national average. They tell me I am a different person, I cannot argue with this, yet it is difficult for me to compare the personality in the old Jeff vs. the new Jeff. My x wife did not and does not accuse me of being violent or argumentive. Forgetfull? Yup. Persistant and determined to a fault? Yup. I never wanted the seperation/divorce. I still am physicaly very active. And one thing I have learned is that a lot of people who suffered a TBI have things a LOT worse than I have it. Sure, my retail career as a store manager (with a nationwide chain you would recognize by name) is gone. Now I am a semi retired stock boy, still with the same co., still alive. During the 24 hours after my TBI my GSC score stayed at three. They suggested that my wife (at the time) call her pastor. She gave 100% of her time, effort, love, and support during the 18 mos. after my accident. I was back to work almost full time, and had another seizure at work, took another ambulance ride, was taken out of work again, out of the former job position forever,, and my relationship with my x took a quick 180 degree trun around.. Anyway, in closing,,, like my dad said to me in his closing words to me before he passed away in 1985,,, "things could be worse,,and when things cannot get worse than they already are,,,things can only get better" Jeff |
Thanks
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ripple effects of the TBI with others. My X and I hardly ever argued,, she would get mad at me but I would avaid the topics. Looking back this might have been a mistake. Me being isolated rather than talking might have made things worse. Like my psychologist told me, sometimes wounds that are not tended to don't always just heal on their own,, sometimes they fester and get worse. |
Hi Jeff,
Sorry that you haven't gotten many responses to your posts. I can understand many points that you made about your relationship with your wife, and the changes that your personality has gone through since your brain injury. My TBI was in 3/07. I slipped on the ice, and fell upon my head. The impact caused bleeding and swelling, but I was lucky. I had extra space for fluid, since I'd had surgery for my epilepsy in 3/06. No stint was needed thankfully. A so-called "mild" case. I have met many people who have much more significant damages than myself. I can't complain, but I do anyway! My hub and I were married for 14 years, and had 2 young daughters together. I had an extremely tough time managing my emotions, and became extremely depressed as I could see my world falling apart around me. I couldn't blame my hub or daughters for drifting away from me. The doctors explained that the surgery and TBI exaggerated my personality traits. Great. I was already ****, the brain stuff made me even more stiff. I readily took all of the blame. Gentle hugs to you...take care! Shez |
Hi I am new here.
Back in Jan 2010 my wife and her daughter were on their way home on from a lunch time shopping trip to town. Daughter was driving the car when she hit a patch of hidden black ice beneath snow that has blown onto the highway at the crest of a hill and she lost control. Car had good Finnish winter tires but it didn't save them. The car went over the line and crashed head-on into a fully loaded double-trailer gravel truck at highway speeds (50 MPH). Daughter just had cuts and bruises. Wife was not so lucky and she spend the next 6 months in various hospitals for surgery and rehab. She was allowed to come home then. We're going on to year 3 now. If I could write a definition of loneliness, it would have to be surviving in a marriage after one partner suffers from TBI. It's so completely and utterly isolating and frustrating at times!! I wish I could reach out and help my wife. Sometimes her brain injury just takes her into a world full of anger and rage, nobody can do or say anything that is good or right. It's not often but when it does occur, it's really a very dark and painful place to be both for her and for myself. I try and I try. I feel so unable to help. And I know my wife also tries and she tries, but she is also unable to help herself when she gets down. Music and my radio hobby sometimes help. Other times I just need to reach out to someone. An old friend, someone who knows me and understands me. No tears, just someone to listen to my feelings and help me feel like I have some worth. When my wife gets so angry or down on herself or just so mixed up that she pushes everyone away including me, it makes me feel very worthless and sad, and it feels like the sun will never shine again. Sometimes on a Saturday night when my wife has passed out for the evening (because I cannot just call it sleep what she does, it's much more like passing out), I lay awake and feel very isolated. I chat on the laptop in bed with a close friend on MSN or e-mail, or on Facebook and talk about life and problems, etc... In my life I have very very few friends I could call close. And it's been a long standing peculiarity of my life that my closest friends have traditionally been a few select female friends. We can talk and talk and I just feel that I'm better understood from a female perspective. I have very few male friends and sometimes I can talk to them too, but most often my female friends are far more understanding. My wife was just such a special friend!! Sometimes I feel quite guilty because I feel it is not right that I should need to seek human closeness and connection from another female friend other than my wife. But she is at many many times still quite unable to provide me the sense of connection and closeness I sorely miss and the perspective of a male doesn't help me. My wife's world continues to revolve around her anger, her injuries, doctor's visits, lawyers papers and I feel like there is no room for me sometimes in that world. Her injuries seem to have cast me out of orbit around her world, as it were. It it a very painful experience when I remember how close we used to be prior to the crash and how much I miss that. We were so extremely close, my wife and I, like we could read each other's thoughts, she would finish my sentences, I would do what she was just thinking of doing. With just a look, an expression on the face, we could know what the other was thinking and feeling! And 3 years after the crash those feelings of connectedness and closeness which completed my world, I am still forced to struggle and survive without this closeness and connectedness, in a world of some confusion. In my general area around Grand Valley, I have very few friends. I'm not native to the area, I'm a transplant from Toronto. I don't relate to the culture of farms, mud and cows in the general area and I don't get out very much, most of my friendship history is in the Toronto region, far from home. I have just a few friends but not so close that I could share things like this with. I sometimes try to fill the void I feel when it starts to feel like it's carving at me from the inside out. Sometimes with buying myself some radio related stuff or music related stuff. my wife will sometimes get very mad at me if I do that, she doesn't understand that I need to look after myself, to feel emotions other than the ones which envelope her world. She misunderstands things in manifold ways, she does not comprehend when she listens and sometimes she seems to get even a little paranoid, thinking that everyone is out to get her or make her feel bad. Her mind sometimes races, at other times she is very sluggish and exhausted. Sometimes I get to thinking about the future. I wonder how on earth I will survive the next 5 years or even the next 1 year? It's such an unlit lengthy tunnel, and the ground is so uneven for me to tread upon. How will I continue to try to safely navigate the darkness of this journey, helping my wife while I can barely help myself at times? And my stepson and the other family members are not who I can depend upon because they have their own stuff going on and don't have time for us. Can you understand what I am describing?? I'm uncertain of myself and sometimes I'm scared, sometimes I'm afraid of the unknown, I'm inexperienced, feel isolated, very lonely and mentally wearied from the symptoms of her mental struggles, her anger and beratement at the world, at me and everything and everyone when she is angry. Thank you for letting me talk and share my feelings... geo |
geo,
Welcome to NeuroTalk. I am sorry to hear of your struggles. You can be assured you are not alone. There are others experiencing the same. It is important, if possible for you to connect with others in the same situation. Brain injury support groups are a good place to find these people. Here is a link to the Brain Injury Associations, etc in Ontario: http://biac-aclc.ca/en/ontario/ As lonely as you feel, your wife is feeling much worse. Even though she may not express it, she does benefit from your presence. There are therapists and social workers who are good at helping with these interpersonal relationships. The local Brain Injury agency/groups may be able to direct you. There are resources that can help you understand her condition and symptoms but it sounds like you need support first. Check with the agencies in the link I provided. If you have more questions or just need to vent, we are here for you. My best to you both. |
I'm so sorry to hear of your marital problems, George. I don't have much advice for you but I wanted you to know I was reading and thinking of you.
I see you're a musician. Is music something your wife is able to enjoy at all? Music has always been a big part of my life but, in a way, even moreso since the concussion. I am not able to play for any length of time anymore but sitting at the piano for ten minutes is a big comfort to me. Perhaps you could find a way to do something musical together, even if it's just listening to a single piece. I hope things improve for you both. Do start your own thread if you like - everybody is very friendly here. |
Here is a link to an article about how the Army is using music to help with brain injury.
http://www.theleafchronicle.com/arti...t-brain-injury |
Hi and thank you.
My wife has a very limited appreciation for music, especially because she was born deaf. One of her doctors told us that with the severity of her brain injuries (and I read the reports and they are very very severe and so wide spread), the vast majority of folks would be living out their lives in a hospital or become a "human vegetable". But in the doctor's professional experience, people born with a handicap such as deafness often come through these sort of experiences far better. It is as if the struggle of being born with a handicap sort of "primes" the brain to struggle. Nevertheless, it is extremely hard. Thank you for letting me share here. geo |
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My husband obtained a TBI a year ago. THings between us have not been good. We have moved into a new house and I thought that once we settled, things would be better. He is not the same. I can't talk to him like I used to. I miss "him" I feel guilty when I think of leaving him. we have argued, talked divorce, then made up numerous times. I feel like he doesn't care or have any feelings anymore. I also feel like his worst traits are amplified with the injury. Once after a long silent treatment from him, he told me he wanted a divorce and I felt relief. The next day he changed his mind, we talked and decided to work it out. I feel such guilt when I think of life without him. Reading your post puts me more in his shoes but I don't think he could or would ever consider what my shoes feel like. I don't feel he loves me. or cares about me or my welfare. Like he is lacking the ability to love or have empathy. All focus is on him, his health issues etc. We do not have any romantic love. I feel like he is a stranger. Not the same person. I guess my biggest concern now is, will it ever get better? My daughters say he has not changed in the past year, that his TBI symptoms are just as bad, but that my way of reacting and handling things have changed. I don't let things escalate and just agree when he is yelling at me, but it is taking a toll on me and my health. Lots of stress related ailments. We have been married 30 plus years and 'the couple' and I know if we broke up we would be letting a lot of people down. I don't want to leave him. In sickness and in health. But how do I not let this eat me up and kill me? |
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Did you go through with the divorce? prayers and best wishes |
falldc,
Welcome to the TBI/PCS forum. The two posters you responded to have not been posting since 2012. I see you have many posts in the caregivers forum. Few in this forum ever see them so I'll start from what you have posted here. We tried to start a TBI/PCS caregivers/spouses thread years ago but never achieved critical mass. TBI/PCS is unique compared to most caregiver situations. There is even a difference between parent/child and spouse needs. Do you have access to a brain injury support group that offers a caregivers sub-group ? They can be very helpful. My support group does and the caregivers sub-group is very good. What you are experiencing is very common. You sound like you have been quite a trooper as you have endured your husband's condition. Kudos to you. Has he had any counseling to help him with his struggles ? He may be able to learn some behaviors to make your relationship easier. His flat affect and lack of libido is almost a given considering his condition. Counseling may be able to help him develop strategies to appear to be relational. It is very difficult but if he still has some executive functioning, it is possible. But, he must have a desire to work at it as much as you are patient to let him try. A mechanical relationship can be dry but endurable. Too bad you already made a house change and move. A home with in-laws' quarters may have made life more workable with room to step way from each other but close enough to still be there. A specific strategy for him to learn is simple to define, difficult to implement. His dominating personality may have previously been endurable because he could recognize facial expressions and such. Now, he likely cannot. So, he does not get those clues to temper his expression. If he can learn that he has these limits and be willing to take cues for you and your daughters, he can do much better. At only a year post injury, he may still be getting to know his own condition. He hopefully is ready to start looking outside himself. Counseling may help him finish the mourning of the loss of the old self so he can start looking at how to move forward with his family in a productive way. We have others here that may be able to explain more of what he is likely going through. He probably has not explained the raging thoughts he struggles with. Most of us are like ice bergs. You only see the tip of what is going on inside. Please hang around so we can try to help. btw, My wife and i have been married for 35 years. We understand the issues with the relationship change after TBI/PCS. My best to you. Mark |
Fall,
I am 20 months post...it has been a difficult road but my wife and I have grown very close over this incident. She has been incredible and a large reason for my progress. Somehow I found ways to do my best at not hurting her through this and it worked I guess. My best and prayers to you both. Bud |
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