Please let it begin . . .
 

Hi L1:hug:

Having just written three paragraphs and having lost every single character that I typed, I'm about done-in! I tried to create a new space for you where you can talk, share, explore with other members. Then I clicked the wrong button -- ack!

Not a day goes by that I don't think about my family here. Sometimes, they are my only family, and I love them for accepting me, caring for me, and helping me to learn. This experience here leads me to think about the concept of "grace."

Sometimes I use too many words, so I'll stop now with a "love you/care about you!"

from my *heart,
reyn

Reyn you're such a sweetheart. :hug:

Thank you for starting the new thread :hug:

It probably would have been a while if we'd waited for me to start it. :rolleyes:

I'm not in much of a typing mood lately. I'm kinda sad and lonely, but no more than usual. :o

I still come here to read everyday though, even if I have nothing to post.

I hope everyone is doing well.
Be safe

~ Lonely1

Hi Reyn *womanwaving and L1 :hug:

Ok, I asked for it to begin and it has!

SOoooo... I changed "My Mood" to Busy because that's what I should be ... not only am I counting down to Christmas and all the busy times that come with that... but I'm gonna pack up house and move 500 miles away!

Note that I said should be busy.... I'm not moving quickly... its all still in baby steps...

sigh... its the only way I know to keep my sanity

:Head-Spin:

What I did today was send my landlord my vacancy notice.
A new beginning in a new home, 31 days from now.

I hope others will share their beginnings here
:sing: Addy

Addy, I hope your new beggining is wonderful and exciting.

And you have 31 days 'til the move.... lotsa time to take lotsa baby steps. :)

I love new beginnings...having choices...making hard decisions. I'm gonna try that mood thing. Hope you all have a whole bunch of fun today! :grouphug:

I'm so glad that Blue thinks this new thread is a good idea...I didn't want to say that on the other thread and bump it up...:rolleyes:

I wonder why Reyn was so quiet last night....:hug:

thelonely !! you are... INNOCENT !!!!

WAIT A MINUTE....

I feel so excited... too many great things going on here....

1.- We (thelonely mainly) have a new thread... I new beginning !!! :D

2.- Alffe is using tags !!! :eek: And she is mellow... so sweet ! :hug:

3.- Addy is busy, full of new beginnings and with her head in the ground and her feet in the air spinning !!! :D awesome...

CONCLUSION: Im loving this thread already.

:sing: I'm so dizzy, my head is spinnin'
Like a whirlpool it never ends...
and its you "babe" making my head spin...
you're making me DIZZY!

that's the song going through my head as the opportunities keep offering themselves to me....

I'm truly overwhelmed with .. I dunnoo... I really don't know... cuz I've never felt this way... I'm simply overwelmed and don't know how to explain it.

:yahoo:

Oh dear Addy.... Im overwhelmed must of the times :o In case that helps... :rolleyes:

Alffeeee, Oh, I just LOVE your mood! relaxed is a good thing! I like the "mellow" one, too!

I am, however, going to leave my mood as "busy" because that is absolutely what I SHOULD be from now until the end of this year.. a mere 27 days from now...

I am moving BACK to where I was 2 years agoooooooo.. ... but to a much different life... in another suberb..... a new job (OMG, I am hired to be a supervisor in what I know best - the grocery business... God help my poor body!!!).... ... to be near my sons and my 1 yr old grandaughter... and to be near the chorus I love to sing with :sing:

and this, time, once again... I will be a new, improved Addy .... if that could be possible...

God, I'm so blessed....

Thank YOU all for your friendship... I'm flying a little high tonight... perhaps I should change "My mood" ;)

:grouphug:

Hello all

I just thought I'd post something. I'm feeling really lonely tonight.

Remember that one friend I used to have? You know... the only one I've ever had? Well, she called up my roommate today and invited her over to hang out. She hasn't even talked to me in a few months, but over that time she'a hung out with my roommate a few times. She always says she's too busy to see me, yet she always finds time for all of her other friends, the ones who aren't depressing, the ones who matter...

She clearly doesn't want to be around me, although she'll never admit it. I actually feel bad when I try to call her, like I'm forcing her to interact with someone she's trying to cut out of her life.... sigh. I should probably stop trying to fit in with any other person, and just accept that I'm going to die alone, as an outcast.

I'm just so tired of life. I don't have the energy or the desire to try anymore. I just want to lie here in my bed, left alone, until I die. I wish God would take the desease of some sick child out there and give it to me instead, at least then my life would be worth something, if only to suffer so someone else doesn't have to. Why can't God take my life and give it to someone who wants it?

I don't know why I posted this on this thread, this is no new beginning, this is the same as I've always been, the same as I always will be.

Anyway, thank you for reading, and listining, and caring....

We hear you Lonely1 and we care. What are you doing for Christmas?
I hope you feel better this morning. :grouphug:

I don't know what I'm doing for Christmas. I might just spend the day with my parents and brother. But my parents might travel out of state for a couple weeks to see my grandma, if they do that then I'll probably be all alone for Christmas.

I feel a little better today. I'm going to visit my parents some time this afternoon, maybe that'll help. Or maybe it'll just make thing worse; you never really know with me. :o

Hi ((L1)) Sorry to not be a very good friend to you, especially at this time of year. I don't know about you, but--for me--mid-November to the end of December are difficult times. I have a special-needs child, and every Christmas since he was one-year-old has been a time of trying to fit in and be a part of everyone else's "normal" Christmas. It's never worked, but I kept trying for twenty-something years. Now? I don't even try. Don't be like me. If you can get up and drive, go to be with whatever family that you have or go volunteer at a shelter. You have such a kind and caring heart--there really are people out there who can and will appreciate you, but you may have to leave your comfort zone to find them.

Tomorrow I'm supposed to go for the MRI (brain) but I've canceled/rescheduled three times already. I'm going to make it tomorrow because I want to come back here and tell YOU that I followed through. Sometimes our online friends can be the best lifelines . . .

Reyn you're not a bad friend, I understand that people have their own problems to deal with; plus my mood changes so randomly not even I can tell when I'm gonna have another depressive breakdown. It's good to just here from you. :hug:

So, I went to visit my parents and it definately made me even less happy, but I can't type now; I need to go to bed now 'cause tomorrow I have to get up early for an extra stressful day of work. Maybe I'll post more tommorow night....

Good luck with you're MRI Reyn, I look forward to hearing that you followed through. :)

(((L1))))... I'm proud of you for talking about how you feel.

((reyn)) - I'm glad you didn't cancel this time. :hug:

I'm sorry your visit with family wasn't helpful Lonely1...hopefully you got a good nights sleep.

Reyn...been thinking about you all day and sending positive thoughts down your way. :hug:

at work there is currently a young man of twenty one staying in the hostel. He arrived from hospital where he has spent nine weeks, after his fifth attempted suicide in two years,

Two years ago his father died of bowel cancer, and this young man gave up college to care for his terminally ill father for the remaining four months of his life.

After his fathers death he became clinically depressed, and a mixture of grief, guilt and absolute misery lead to the subsequent situations.

Sadly this young mans story is one, to frequent .....and two, so very familiar: in that his family don't talk to him because ??????????????? they don't know how to.

Of everyone in the hostel currently, the one person whom i thought would not relish the on-coming festive season... this young man is the only one who has purchased himself a Christmas tree and erected it with all the trimmings in his own room. It does not mean to say he is not desperate inside or still masking a mind of disarray....its just a sign that he wants to try and take part in life.......................


lonely one: Alfe asked what you were planning to do at Christmas.... might i suggest you volunteer to help out in a shelter over the holidays......it may not be the nicest of experiences....but believe it or not...your presence...will be remembered by those you meet...[and way after you have forgotten them] ........sometimes by helping or supporting others we inadvertently help ourselves.

Your on a long journey my friend, learn to steer into the curves...............:hug:

David

L1, do you want to talk about why your visit with your parents didn't go so well and left you feeling depressed? All of us will listen, and we will care.

I called at 9:30 to reschedule the MRI to next Monday. John is not well (chemo for leukemia not working and new meds have made him sick), so I told him that I really needed to go to the local clinic to check out my ankle (it has been a major problem for 2 wks). I knew he needed an "out." He drove me there and came back home to wait for my call to pick me up.

It was a good decision. I had a fever, and this new doctor seemed very interested in determining what is wrong with my ankle. Can you believe that he is the very doctor who I saw in the E.R. on the second time I had a seizure and John called for an ambulance?! You are likely wondering why I'm excited . . ..

Well, I live in a very rural town (about 2,000 people, and we are the county seat!) and the hospital where I was scheduled to have the brain MRI is about 40 miles from here. The only doctor that has been available recently is of the ****** religion where touching the female body is frowned upon. Right, so when I saw him with the rt. arm problem, he wouldn't touch me. It took another 2 months to get back to my oncologist who wisely sent me for and MRI and then an orthopedic surgeon --- wasn't too many months before I could use my right arm again.

Ack! I know this is long and wordy, but I'm trying to tell you that help comes from the most unlikely places, even online friends, I promise.

And, I did tell you that you can come to Miss. and have a home here, if you ever need it . . .

from my *heart,
reyn

P.S. And this doctor finally addressed my high-blood pressure and put me on medication. I am so thankful. None of this would have happened if I had held onto the belief that I absolutely had to get to the city to have the brain MRI!

First of all, I'd like to thank you guys for reading and posting. As Reyn and Blue and I (and so many others) keep saying, it's amazing how much easier it is to cope with pain when I come here.

David, thank you for the story and the wisdom. :)

Reyn, thank you for sharing some more of your story with me. I hope that you keep your appointment on Monday, but I'm glad you got a few other problems taken care of. :hug:

As for my visit to my parents, when I got there my mom kept bugging my dad to take us all to get a Christmas tree Because she wanted to decorate it when the whole family was there. But when we got it and got home, my mom went to "take the dog out" and the rest of us started putting up the tree. By the time she came back inside she was clearly drunk. She refused to admit she was drunk even though she was slurring her words and staggering when she walked.

She made my dad get a tree and then immediatly got too drunk to do anything with it. My dad says shes drinking at least three times a week, and reuses to go to AA or even admit she's drinking no matter how obvious it is. My dad also says that she chooses to do it more when I come to visit. Is she drinking because of me? Am I that big of a dissapointment that she'd rather be drunk then spend time with me? Clearly alcohol is more important than me, both my mom and my best/only friend think so, and that's about half of the people in my life. Anyway, she passed out in her chair by 7:00, and my dad made her get up and go to bed. I didn't even bother to say goodbye to her when I left, it's not like she'd remember anyway....

Sigh.... so that's my depressing little story. Today wasn't so bad, except for the pre-work anxiety that I always feel for at least an hour before I get up and go to work. After that I was busy enough to keep my thoughts away from the darkness a little bit.

Thank you again for caring

((((L1)))))

I have so much to say but so little time... there are those of us here who have years of wisdom having lived through a situation similiar to yours....

L1 - you (and I) are Adult Children of Alcoholics

I have to run or I'll be late for work.

L1 - start learning about ACOA! you'll learn a ton about yourself.

question - of you and your sibling(s), who is the oldest?

I only have one brother, and he is older then me.

Why do you ask?

L1

Info about acoa. I learned alot about myself! Sigh

http://alcoholism.about.com/cs/adult/a/aa073097.htm

L1, I'm so sorry to have taken space from what was supposed to be a new thread for you -- I talked on and on about my own problems. Sorry. In the past 4 hours my life has blown apart, and I can't help but wonder if I can be of any value to anyone. But, for you, I'm coming here to post to tell you that I am trying to come back here for you, if you need me. I don't know if I can help, but I will try. ((L1))

Reyn you don't need to feel bad, this thread doesn't have to be just for me. I like to listen to the people I care about. I want you to post your problems here; that's what this website is for isn't it?

And you do have value. Just by listening and trying to help me you've proven yourself as more important than anyone I've ever met in my life. You and everyone here are the only people who will listen to me; the only people who won't abandon me. Don't ever think you have ne value.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Hey L1 :hug: I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to post... I'm extremely busy right now.

I asked about birth order because there is a lot of literature about how the youngest child is affected by a Parent's drinking.

(((Jaded))) :hug: When I found the book, "The Dance of Anger" - I learned a lot more about myself, too. And after that... "Co-dependant No More".

L1 - those are seriously good books in helping you understand where you are today.

You have your youth L1 - I didn't learn a lot of what I know now until many years older than you are.... Participating in SOS... has played a huge role in my growth. I know it is for you, too, L1!

Reyn :hug: I know you need more than a hug... more than anything, I wish for you to have some peace in your heart when you go to bed at night... Stay Strong! xoxoox

:sing: Addy

Isn't it amazing that I could read the link Jaded left and think it was written about me. Isn't it funny that so many unrelated people can react in exactly the same way without knowing it?. And I wonder why it has to be the youngest that is affected the most. :rolleyes:

Thank you Addy and Jaded for the suggestions

Addy ................oh my GOD!,,,,,,,,,,'I asked about birth order because there is a lot of literature about how the youngest child is affected by a Parent's drinking'.

im the youngest of 9 and my father was an alcoholic......and you guessed it...i drink too.


Now not meaning to scoff at all...........but heriditary addiction is/may be a faCTOr but personal choice plays a huge part in this equation..........

my point being ...i once blamed my genes....now i blame my own weakness.

LOVE TO U ALL

David

(L1) Your mom is drinking because she has a problem not because you are a problem to her. Don't ever let yourself believe that! I'm so glad that Addy and jaded posted the info about acoa -- I'm going there later to read. Science has proved that addictive behaviors can be hereditary, similar to depression and suicidal behavior. I acknowledge that I have an alcohol problem on top of the drug (pain pills) problem. Anything to escape my reality seems wonderful to me, but I have a history of chemical abuse and addiction, so I know that drinking--for me--is not a good thing.

My mother's mother died by suicide which my mother never was able to get past. My mother let me know at an early age that I did not please her.`I have wondered if she saw something of her mother in me or if it was just because I was so different from her. My first visit to a psychiatrist was when I was in the 7th or 8th grade. My father explained later to me that the doctor told him the problem was between my mother and me. Maybe that is why he always welcomed me home, whether for a weekend or weeks-on-end. I never stopped trying to please my mother but eventually reached an acceptance of what I could not change (thanks to Alffe's patient listening to me and her wisdom that she shared).

Thinking of you and believing in you (L1)!

from my *heart,
reyn

P.S. I'm the youngest of 4, but I never had the "baby of the family" roll -- that went to my sister, baby #3 :rolleyes:

David, I do believe as you do. But understanding can lead to seeking help or maybe even a resolution of the problem. I see my doctor, get my prescription, swallow my pills. I pour my wine and drink it. There is no force from another person for me to take the pain pills or drink, but I do. It will take medical intervention for me to get off of the medication and choice for me to stop drinking.

Thank you for what you wrote. It is important to understand choice as well as responsibility.

David: wow, the youngest of 9! holy smokes!
By the way, I'm the oldest of 3... and my role is the "fixer"... and boy, is that ever true!

I think you left out one key reason about why you drink - you grew up watching it - its what you knew. I don't like that word "weakness" - but, ya know... you're right, darn it.

Reyn - I just wrote you a PM and I want to share a bit of it with the others here: I told you that I am very grateful that I have never suffered pain bad enough to have to take pain killers... I can only imagine how difficult it would be to resist their pull. :hug:

xoox to all... this is a tough subject... :grouphug:

Hi all. I'm sorry, I don't have time to type much, but I'm still reading and thinking of you all.

As always, thanks for the support and the posts.
See you later
:hug: :hug: :hug:

Addy

I didn't actually ever witness my Father drinking he quit when i was young..although i can remember on three occasions him not being at home and big arguments occurring,

My mum is teetotal....and hated the drink ....it was a dirty word in the house...I'm not saying she turned all nine of us to drink.... but occasionally reverse psychology kicks in......[you cant have= i want it...so to speak]


Either way my family background ////my up bringing may play a factor...i just don't know how bigger factor..............i don't blame anyone though for my mistakes....just myself the big Oaf.

David

Such a lovable big Oaf...you always bring this song to mind..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73xatTlWmDw

:grouphug:

Alffe [thank you for the lovely song above I'm humbly moved]

I in return, had to then gift of a beautiful song that reminds me of you.

When i googled a Italian-English translation it brought a tear to my eye, i hope you like the song [its my wife's favourite]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3zuyl...aynext_from=PL



Translation

I miss you

When the sun shakes hands with the horizon

When the dark switches off the hustle of people

The tiredness inside me that won't go away

Like the shadow of something that's still mine

I miss you

In your looks

And in that slightly cheeky smile

You're that knot in my throat which won't go down

And you, and you

I miss you I miss you

I can pretend I'm ok but I miss you

Now I know what it means

To have you next to me before I go to sleep

While I walk barefoot inside my soul

I miss you and I could

Look for another MAN but I would be fooling myself

You're my endless regret

The cold in my mornings

When I look around

And feel that I miss you

Now that I can give you something more

and you and you (you is the subject of the verb 'manchi' in Italian because literally it would be 'you lack from me' so you is the subject)

I miss you and I could

Have another MAN but I would be fooling myself

You're my endless regret

The cold in my mornings

When I look around

And feel that I miss you

From: http://lyricstranslate.com From: http://lyricstranslate.com

[THE ONLY WORD I CHANGED, WAS MAN FROM WOMAN]

David:

its so strange that this song translates this way, i hope it reminds you of Michael, [in a beautiful way]

Oh tears here....David thank you for that beautiful gift. I've put it in my favorites. I think your wife has excellent taste in both men and music.:hug:

I never realized
 

Dear Reyn, I came to SOS to read your postings. I did not realize how much we had in common. I, too, have addictive problems. You seem much braver than me, however, perhaps because I took the baby of the family role from my younger brother. I have trouble with typing, but I want so much to be your friend. billie

And you already have been a friend to me ((billie)). That you are willing to communicate with me, to *talk with me about our many mutual personality traits, life situations and choices, pain issues that seem to only be successfully addressed by narcotics, and then the family issues -- your posts and PMs speak to my very core.

I hope that you will be able to spend some quality time with your dad. Maybe you can ask him about the mulching blade? Let's talk about it, okay?

from my *heart,
reyn

bumping and I am not sure I have a reason...guess I am at a loss for original words....just love you all and hope I can "recover". :grouphug:

Hi all,

I think things happen for a reason and at the right moment... I have been far from this forum, but keeping you always in my thoughts and today, Im having a very rough day... have been having bad months actually, and came here to read some words of wisdom and I found this thread....

Thanks for existing. And thank you Alffe for bumping this thread ! :hug:

I love you all so much.