anger
 

my anger is coming out left and right. i don't know what to do and if it is healthy or not. at a lot of times I don't want to live. then at other times there are books i want to read and i want to play with my cats. my psychiatrist said it was important for me to have a routine but when i was working and had a routine i was still very depressed. i forgot to tell him that.
i just found out that my youngest nephew lives less than ten blocks away from me. he was never a high achiever because his two older brothers were super high achievers. they both went to harvard, learned japanese and even did some work in Japan. I think they are both easily millionaires. I just found out that the youngest went back to school and got his mba and is now a financial analyst and is on tv and highly quoted and is on his way to become a millionaire. when he was little he had an ant as a pet. his esteem was that low. then he said he was happy with the murder at jonestown when it happened. eeks
bobby

well I am glad that you are getting out some anger, maybe journalling it would help?
bizi

I think it is :eek: too!
Just this morning I asked a friend who is bouncing of the walls with anger and frustration related stress to do some deep breathing exercises.
Do you know of any? Otherwise juat google PRANAYAM.
Should help. Good for anxiety and depression as well.

Dear Bobby
 

I am not sure that i have any good suggestions this morning. I am upset and having trouble concentrating. trying to plod forward best i can.

i wish for you more "life" moments of wanting to read and play with the kitty cats. i adore kitty cats. PRRRRRRRHHHH. ;)

anyway, i mostly wanted to stop in and say i am listening and also leave you some (((HUGS))).

you will be in my prayers

love

w.

Dear Bobby,
Anger can sometimes be a destructive emotion. But other times it can be healing. Also you can decide to go around the anger or go straight through it.

Is the anger about finding out about your third nephew related to your sister, parents, and your position in the family? Is it helpful to think about what is happening?

What would happen if you called him and met him for a sandwich at a place near you?

When I am having a strong emotional reaction to someone or something, usually I know that I can use that opportunity to learn about myself. (I don't necessarily make the choice to learn, but I am aware that I can -- because seriously, HOW MUCH LEARNING DO I NEED TO GO THROUGH IN THIS LIFETIME :eek:??)

Hugs.
Mari

can you believe that i am still upset that my youngest nephew was happy about Jonestown and all those kids dying.? My friend said I am very hard on people besides being very hard on myself. I don't like writing journals. It is too much pressure. I wonder how much anger other medicated bipolar people feel. When i wasn't medicated, i felt a lot of irritability and i guess anger. I went back to a higher amount of medication recently because of the anger irritability and appetite.
My close friends have a lot of compassion. I feel very isolated from people who don't and hypocritical when I overlook it. I don't know what to do. My sister has been charming me to me. I got to the point where I needed her back as a sister regardless of everything. I think i am getting to the point of forgiveness towards my mother. I already forgave my father and he did become a hero to me. I CAN'T FORGET.
bobby who hates feeling angry and ungreatful

Dear Bobby,

I don't think that we have to forget or forgive. We can choose to do those depending on what is best for our feelings.

That's good that your sister is being charming to you. (That's a change.)

I don't know what was going on in the kid's head about Jonestown. It was a weird event. You said in your earlier post that he was in low esteem and such when compared to his brothers when he was young.


Do you spend time thinking about whether or not the anger is bipolar or not? Maybe it is something that you have to wear for a little while and it will go away (that might be my strategy -- wait it out).

Your pdoc and tdoc should be able to help you.
Sorry that you are going through this.

M.

M.

Dear Bobby
 

i hate feeling angry and ungrateful too. I feel angry towards my parents a lot in the scrunched situation we are in... stuff comes up... sigh. Yet if it weren't for them i would literally have no place to go right now, and it drives me nutty having negative feelings... there seems to be some superego part of me i guess that is dictating to me that i need to be all-reverent, all-accepting, all-deferent and subservient to them because of this, and falling short in ANY of these areas (i fall short in ALL!) means i am ungrateful. So even though i might actually begrateful, any gratitude i might have gets automatically invalidated. this is so "logical" so left-brained... also very rigid and judgemental besides.

the raw reality is, the emotions we have about ourselves or others don't always go together. they don't tie in neatly with each other. and when we try to make sense of them logically, i think we end up denying parts, or suppressing parts, sort of shaving down a square peg to make it fit a round hole.

anyway i know what you mean about hating how one feels. when i get very angry, even just very angry, i hate that feeling. just that feeling. But i have found that hating it fuels the anger more. What i have done which has helped actually is to pray and ask that my anger be mitigated somehow. Like please God grant me grace, let my anger be tamed by compassion. very simple like that. Sometimes even for myself. because i get angry with myself sometimes. Then i just have to be patient... and remember it is ok to be angry, and that i will get through it to better feelings.

Take care, Bobby. Try not to judge yourself too harshly. I know it's hard, but really... you've lived through a lot and you're living through a lot. You're human and are having human emotions, but that doesn't mean you are bad. Just human. I think being bipolar makes you feel them that much more. But you would probably still feel them if you weren't. But I know...

You have a good heart.

:heartthrob::circlelove::heartthrob:

So don't you forget it!

love

~ waves ~

i spend a lot of time wondering if the anger is bipolar or not or if it is because for over a year i have been getting about three hours of sleep in 24 hours.
i think we do have to forgive and to forget is divine.....the height of selfishness is to try to forgive lol...isn't that one of the only ways to feel better. I admit to my friend that i am very critical of people and to myself.
i guess if i could think that if everybody were mental disabled i would be less harsh in my judgments. i don't know what is going to happen to my youngest nephew as he grows older. he is in his thirties now and has two little sons. I don't know if i will ever talk to him again. if i do i would love to ask him if his thoughts towards jonestown changed. so once again it would all start up again. Is that bipolar of me? I do like my values. They haven't changed since I was a very young child. Of course there are things about me and actions i have taken that i am not proud of at all. rats.
bobby

i really loved your post. i read it six times. i am screaming for you. i don't know if you need it but i am still screaming for you....yes silently since i live in ann apapartment and i don't want to also scare my kitty cats.....
feeling straightjacketed by our feelings...not feeling grateful and feeling guilty because we know we should feel grateful and then feeling rage over the whole f>>king mess. not being able to be true to our emotions since they are all over the place anyways....and that they are not responding to our high ideals. wanting to be a robot in a way and finding that idea totally nauseating because we detest the concept....a bird on the wing...free....no trapped because of our intense emotions and fear at this point and anger leading them onward....YUCK
LOVE YOU
bOBBY

this time i gave my therapist a hard time. i was late by fifteen minutes. i am usually early. the bus was a bit late and I was a bit late. I wound up talking for over an hour with a woman around my age who was a stock broker and just so lovely who also had a weight problem and walking problem and who had a schnauzer who had had bone cancer and who rented a mini storage for a lot of her many books. we had so much in common. she suggested i join weight watchers and use a stationary bike. we exchanged numbers.
then i see my therapist....i tell her i just made a new friend...she says that is nice. she says i look nice and then starts with the hygiene. i told her i mentioned it to dr m. and he said it was good to get into a routine but ultimately the choice was mine. I told her if you get three hours sleep a night you don't feel physically up to much....she dismissed that....then i sort of dismissed her. then i talked about the pain of finding out my nephew lived less than ten blocks away from me...but i said the whole thing was a mess....he hadn't been compassionate and my other nephews didn't show compassion.i said it was awful because we are jewish and should know better and the kids had lead a charmed life. she dismissed that and said some people aren't compassion and that shouldn't upset me. later my friend from israel called me and i asked her about compassion....she said that the three most important things for Jews to be are compassionate, modest and i forget the third. I giggled and said I really am Jewish aren't i. She was raised orthodox and I wasn't.
Bobby

I have to wonder if maybe your nephew wasn't so low in self esteem
that he related to the person doing the killing in Jonestown.


I know I sometimes think I had a son that would have related to the killings
peroid everywhere.

Donna

that is interesting. could you explain it a little more. i never thought of it that way. he had such low self esteem as a little boy. it was tragic. you gave me the chills and hope at forgiveness
thank you
bobby

good job
 

Dear Bobby,

I think you did a good job in the session... you held your ground and led.

I am disappointed that your therapist did not express interest in your encounter with the woman about your age with the Schnauzer. I wonder why she didn't respond to that.

Anyway. I am glad you two exchanged numbers and I hope you will be in touch. I is perhaps early to call her a friend as such... but it sure sounds like there is common ground and good potential for friendship! Whatever happens, besides, that was a very positive social interaction, and i'm happy for you. :)

i haven't said anything about your nephew because i feel clueless as to how to be helpful there. :o I did think Donna's point was interesting.

love

~ waves ~

Dear Bobby,
I wonder if your Israeli friend was talking about one of these:

http://mentsh.com/avot1-2disc.html

http://www.ravkooktorah.org/KITISA62.htm
I think you handled your tdoc brilliantly.
Ignore her and have your own session as you described.
It sounds like you are less depressed than last time.

Family issues are fraught with angst.
I can see how finding out about your nephew is troublesome to you.
When was the last time you saw him? How old was he?
Do you remember anything else about him other than the Jonestown thing?

I hope that you are feeling ok. Maybe the med changes help. I hope.

M.

i think Donna's point was really fascinating and i am holding onto it and am going to try to discuss it with some people. I hate feeling so alienated from my family and my principles have always made my life so difficult......i really cling to them...i always have...maybe partially since my emotions are so volatile. Today I am nervous about my encounter with Paula yesterday. She is still working and has a lot more money than I have. That might interfere with a relationship if she wants to do things. I can afford going to starbucks but otherwise I really limited. I will call her.
Today I woke up very depressed. Last night I had a hysterical conversation with Attie. Whenever I laugh a lot the next day I am usually depressed. I was joking about being an environmentalist. I had heard on Bloomberg news that Chinese might run out drinking water in ten or eleven years and when watching planets in peril i saw how polar bears are drowning because of the melting of the ice and now they have to swim distances of 200 miles for food mainly seal rather than the previous 50 miles...(wish I hadn't watched since I am still so upset and hands are tied)...anyways I think in future we are going to be limited to the amount of water we consume and no way will people be allowed to take showers every day....maybe every other month...it is really a nightmare but i was pretending I was confronting my therapist with all this environmental information.
Love
Bobby

hoq did you find that...kindness was the third one. thank you so much....I have learned so much from my friend Suri and love orthodoxy...I grew up reformed and never learned the beauty of Judaism.
Yesterday I was really high. Today I am depressed but it might go away. I saw Alex maybe fifteen years ago or more. It was like yesterday. I have at times a very good memory. I wish I didn't at times. He was in his early twenties and had been out of college for a few years. He behaved like a rich kid who liked me. My three nephews called me Bobby and I guess always thought i was eccentric. They were treated sort of formally by their parents by i was always laid back with them.
Going back on the regular medication dosage has helped I regret to say. I was really hoping i could lower the dosage. The melatonin and magnesium are giving me i think at least another hour of sleep. I have calcium and am having a hard time taking it but that also is supposely helpful in sleep matters too.
I upped my vitamin d to 8,000 a day....which should help my depression....
I am trying.
Before my therapist said i could bring in negative things to her which i don't have to discuss with my friends. She asked for it and I think that will be my line of attack. I don't know what to do. I was a therapist years ago. I would have made such a big deal about meeting Paula....and encouraged me to follow through rather than talk about hygiene.....yuck
Thanks again for finding the third thing. your skills are amazing
Bobby

i just ordered a stationary bike with pc games. Dr. M doubled my celexa and my appetite has been terrifying. I miss smoking so much and i have been eating like a maniac. Paula, the woman I met on the bus the other day told me to get a stationary bike and ride on it. I feel so desperate that I thought it was worth the two hundred dollars even though i am terrified of my financial state.
The magnesium and melatonin have really been helping me catch another hour or two of sleep a night. I can't believe it but i think taking them is the reason I am getting extra sleep. Now if i can only force myself to take the calcium which i also need to combat the negative effects of metformin on b12.
Bobby

Dear Bobby
 

Congratulations on the bike!!!

I would ride with you if only i could! :):):)

You said you just upped your vitamin D... that will aid your calcium uptake naturally, you know? From food. It might be good to have your calcium level or even all electrolyte/mineral levels checked with your next blood draw after 3 months though, as that is how long it takes for the new vitamin D level to stabilize.

In any event, if you do take extra calcium, make sure the ratio of Mg:Ca supplementation is not greater than 1:2 in favor of the calcium.

That is great news that you are getting a some more sleep. the Celexa could be contributing also. You might actually try removing the melatonin at this point... generally that is for adjusting one's sleep cycle i.e. it should do it's job in a short period of time (few days or a week). Plus, you could always start it up again if necessary.

I am really wowed about the bike. You take it easy though, and start out doing just a bit at a time... just a few minutes at first... you will build up if you do it regularly. regularity is more useful than overdoing it (which can actually be dangerous).

Have fun with it! ;)

Gosh i am so happy for you!
:):yahoo::):yahoo::)

~ waves ~

i am having a blood test this month and will ask the doctor if i can remember to do the magnesium calcium test. re melatonin. i have read that as you get older your body has less melatonin....so I don't think i am going to cut it out.
i don't think celexa has anything to do with this. I am just afraid the added celexa has to do with my increased appetite which i am so scared about.
I also better print out the article for my doctor about how metformin is bad for b12 and that calcium helps its negative effect....what a mess
i hope i use the stationary bike.....i hope the computer games keep me riding....lol
love bobby
thanks a ton

Dear Bobby,
The bike might be good.
I think I'd use one if I had one set up for me. (that was pretty cool about meeting Paula). :)

M.

Dear Bobby
 

Sweet Bobby,

My son, my beautiful son, is in his mid-twenties. He has been diagnosed as bi-polar. I honestly don't know if I agree or not, but that really doesn't matter, what matters to me is how he feels, how he is coping in his life, and if he is letting himself feel worthy of love. You also make me remember how I thought and felt when I was younger (much, much younger). I'm old now. Choral question: "How old are you"? I'm so old I had to invent rocks so I had something to throw when I played fetch with my dinosaur!

I don't know about you or your life, but your words are so honest it is jarring to read them. I remember having feelings that felt to me as strong as yours sound. Can I share with you some of the things I've learned, some observations, some thoughts that have come to me while reading your words? 1. Fight like hell to stay alive no matter what. If you ever feel like hurting yourself, do whatever it takes to make sure you don't. Life can be good, some of us just have to work harder than others to get there. But that's cool, cuz when we get there, we really appreciate it. There is great value in that appreciation. It's like eating steak, or fresh fruit, or smelling a flower for the first time... after a lifetime of hunger, of processed crap food, or living in a cement jungle. Oh, it can be sweet. 2. Don't give away your power, don't let anyone else dictate how you feel in your own skin and about your life, don't give it to anyone. If someone wants that, they are not a good person and you should run, run, run...away from them no matter how they package themselves.
More stuff I learned....
You mentioned your nephew that made the Jonestown comment. You want to know something "funny" (not hah hah funny, but the "can you even believe it" funny)? I'd bet a buck-fitty as my son says that your nephew doesn't even remember that...in fact, he could even possibly deny it and honestly believe he is telling the truth.
And....
3. I believe "brain troubles" come in many different packages, so to speak. You and I are not the only ones who have trouble in that area. I believe EVERYONE, every single living, breathing, heart beating human being has brain problems. Some of us are more expressive about it, more aware of it, more sensitive to it, some of us simply revel in the stuff of being alive...feeling pain, sadness, joy, love, peace, grief...these are all a part of this mind-bending experience called human life. What a trip it is!

4. You are the boss of you. The important part is that these feelings are not in charge of you. You are the boss of them. Strong feelings can sneak up on us and sometimes take over before we can stop them, so sometimes they might have to run their course to some extent. But as soon as you can, take charge and do whatever it is you have to do to be stronger than them as soon as you are able. You have plans for pulling yourself out of a funk, right? I draw. Most of it is really crap, and I know it, but I really like doing it and it helps me calm myself. It's awesome that every once in a while I create something that just astounds me, which is a great perk, but not necessary. It distracts me long enough to stop the cycle of thinking that is harmful to me. We become what we practice, our brains do that. You'll get better and better at taking control the more you do it. It's very cool when you experience being able to pull yourself out of a cycle intentionally! I contend all create artists across every genre are dealing with a loose nut or two. You just gotta find what helps you take control of it instead of it controlling you. Painting/drawing just helps me sooooo much.

Bi-polar, depression, anxiety, ocd, adhd, rage disorders....blah blah blah blah blah....they are real, and they can mess us up for sure, but they do not define us. YOU ARE NOT BIPOLAR. You have it, you are not it. There's a big difference and you'd be amazed what a difference in your self image you'll develop if you repeat that to yourself every day. These "disorders" are strong, strong, strong sometimes, I know. Mine have gotten the better of me when I was a young girl. Now these are simply skeletons in my closet ...because I was fortunate enough to survive long enough to find the value in learning about my own disorders and then finding ways to limit how they harm me.

My argument, or perhaps I should say my perspective is that we are all head cases, and there are degrees of these, there are influential factors which can help us feel much more nuts and much less nuts. Learn what they are and take away as many things as possible that feed your anger, rage, sadness, etc., and find good things to do instead. Is recovery possible? I don't think that actually as relevant as others might. My question to that is...recovery of what? The human condition? Passion? What recovery means for each one of us is a different thing. For me, "recovery" means loving myself and showing love to others. The rest of it just doesn't matter enough to sacrifice that "recovery".

In the end, dear Bobby, you are alive and have such a beautiful way of expressing the rawness you feel. Find ways to do it that are not harmful. Negative thought cycles give birth to only one thing, they reproduce by division: so try to pull yourself out using intentional steps you've put in place that you know bring you comfort. No drugs, internet sex, gambling, etc...those are distracting but feed the same monster cycle. Find something, investigate Mozart type music...you'd be amazed what closing your eyes and really listening to it can do to you. Investigate different artists...Joan Miro, Picasso...read their stories, read Latin American history...those times were ruled by true monsters!!! My point is, these things will titillate areas of your brain that will compete with your bipolar disorder's strength. Read about the way the brain works, how we can control much more than most of us thought possible.

Why do I suggest all of these things? Because I didn't do any of this until I was in my forties...after a terrible 20 year marriage, left penniless, broken, powerless...or so I thought. More than anything I was RAW. But that actually ended up making me vulnerable...a lot like a field plowed for seeding. Fortunately, I decided to go to school, in between crying jags, and so it was like I planted good seeds instead of just letting weed seeds plant themselves. You remind me so much of myself and so I wanted to share this with you because I believe you could probably be an incredible abstract artist, putting those emotions on paper in colors, shapes, in various mediums....I bet you could write incredible fictitious stories or poems...putting all of that energy, all that life, out there for the rest of the world to experience. I also believe you may be more able to learn than you thought in the past. My father told me it was a good thing I was pretty....cuz I certainly wasn't very bright. I just graduated college with an Associates degree in Science, one in Liberal Arts, and a Bachelor's in Education...although there are not any teaching jobs available, I went as much to gain an education as I did to prove to myself that my father was wrong about me. And in the meantime I learned about all of the awesome things I mentioned above and more. After it was all done, i'd realized that I had been so distracted trying to learn and get good grades and keep the power turned on that my "mental illness' issues had taken a back seat to a bunch of other great things.

Some people seem to focus only on material gain. I pity them. You don't seem to do that, you care deeply about matters of right and wrong. In my book, you have it over the materialistic people. You've been wronged and feel tremendous angst at times, yet you do not act on your emotions in ways that hurt people. How many people use a million different excuses to perpetrate harm on victims who never hurt them at all? Many of them wear suits and never serve a day in prison, either. So, you have it all over those folks. This world is pretty messed up, and a lot of people are too, so don't let any one tell you what is important and/or good except yourself...when in doubt, read a bunch of different perspectives and create your own belief system, picking and choosing what you believe is GOOD.

What I hear when reading your posts is someone who feels deeply, but is clearly SANE and GOOD because you do not act out at the risk of others attempting to find relief, because somehow you know that this would not bring relief, only more suffering, and you have the sense to stick to what you know is right. I also hear some hurt and a longing for love, but if my experience has taught me anything, you are not quite "there" yet cuz you have some other, more important, stuff to do. Read, Learn, Expand your mind....You have to begin to feel self acceptance and self love, which for me at least did require forgiving some people for some very terrible things. I also had to take risks and remove myself from situations which really were inhibiting my own personal growth, even though it scared me a lot and caused me great pain initially. I just kept telling myself to put one foot in front of the other...and had to for many years. But now, here I am, feeling like I am finally the person I was meant to be. It feels good, and I do good things with my life now because it feels right.

I'm sorry for going on so long Bobby, but I feel a kinship with you and I am proof you can become who you wish to be. It's not easy, duh, it is not supposed to be easy! It's supposed to be life, and life has been a struggle from the very first moment it began. But it's worth it, and it's definitely better than the alternative, right?!

Peace to you Bobby,

litl :grouphug:

thank you so very much. I have to print out your reply because there is so much to digest. I am almost sixty six and just get hit by such a wall of anger besides depression. yesterday i finally said i didn't care anymore and didn't want to try anymore but here i am.....
I am so glad for you. what a spirit you must have! did you do it by yourself? you do have faith?
Bobby

I think you posted to me at the right time even though i am severely depressed and filled with rage. God always seems to be the answer for me and even though I finally got angry at God it didn't last long. Bipolar has to be a gift from God.....it makes me want to draw closer to God. There seems to be nothing else....Hopefully when i feel a bit better and after i see the pulmonary doctor on wednesday I will start doing some writing in this area and maybe in the writing will be able to help other bipolars or severely depressed people who at times feel so helpless with no way out. today i wanted to die so badly
thanks again
raging bobby

"Until one has loved an animal a part of one's soul
remains unawakened." - Anatole France"Life's journey is not to arrive at the
grave safely in a well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, totally
worn out, shouting"...holy ****...what a ride!" - Erma Bombeck

Oh, Bobby,
This is awful.
Maybe the Depakote will help you.
Do you have a decent tdoc?

I wish you had more people in your life that were good for you.
Mostly I wish that you felt better.

Mari

thank you so much. yesterday i really crashed.....i don't think it was bipolar..i just became paralysed again and hit such a terrifying low. once again I was terrified of death and saw nothing in life. You are right I need more people in my life who are good for me. Since i felt how much my parents beat me up I can't seem to tolerate any questionable treatment of me. it is almost like a slash and burn and I don't have many friends left and am not connected with any groups. I like my psychiatrist and now my therapist. I like her a lot and really look forward now to my visits every other week. She hasn't mentioned shower since I told Dr.M that i wanted to get rid of her.
My housekeeper who i see twice a week (I pay 75 cents an hour ) through the department of aging and I talk a lot. The woman who calls me every week is a real doll. We talked about her kitty cat Buddy who has a bad heart murmur, stomatitis and suffers from bad anxiety and then winds of spraying.
She has moved four times in the past five years because of him, Now she has a six foot cage which he lives in and she washes the wall every day. She has also become a sort of observant orthodox Jew but doesn't like to use the word orthodox. That is why it was so strange that i spoke for an hour with her on thursday and then had such a terrifying feeling on friday. Then I started telling myself dogs and kitty cats aren't afraid of death and welcome it when it is time but not before. I told myself to try to stop thinking about nothingness. I don't believe in nothingness because life is so very complex i just believe it will end that that will be that. then i got out of bed to go to the pharmacist to get klonopin and depakote. I thought that i might be partially reacting to not having klonopin the day before. Usually i have Maria go to the pharmacy for me. anyways a miracle or what i call a miracle happened. In the elevator I ran into a long time neighbor who has emphysema..she looks better than she has ever looked-really adorable-and there were no outward signs that she had it. We exchanged greetings and then i told her i was hanging on. i told her i was seeing a pulmonary doctor on wednesday. she asked who. I told her and she said that was her doctor and she has been seeing him since 2002. she said he is brilliant and CARING AND SO KIND. she kept on raving about him and said i would be in very good hands. i took it as a miracle since a half an hour before i was so terrified and isolated.I am far too sensitive for my own good and I think way too much and my parents really did emotionally beat me up and robbed me of security. the bipolar just exacerbates it. i wonder if it causes the hyper sensitivity. maybe my parents couldn''t have gotten to me if i weren't bipolar and so vulnerable.
bobby

Dear Bobby,
You sound like you are having a terrible time.
I send you healing vibes.


That's good news about the pulmonolgist.
M.

thanks for the healing vibes. i am really doing a number on myself. this morning i was accusing myself of being jealous of a friend who dog sits because she has all these cute dogs she takes care of. I had to examine it more closely to realize i really wasn't jealous of her because sitting for a dog is so far different from experiencing the bond between you and your dog...that is what i miss. at least i can't attack myself for being jealous of all the people who appreciate that bond they have.
i started talking to my friend again. i couldn't stand the loneliness. last night another friend called and she gave me a lecture on faith etc.....
i read some scarey religious stuff this morning...I have to remember God is merciful.
bobby

I am afraid of death...hubby is not he said he looks forward to meeting god! and he is an atheist!

staring into a candle for five minutes
 

Dear Bobby,
I really wish Dr. M could medicate this out of you.
Or that the tdoc could get you closer to a state of peace with yourself and your days and nights.

My tdoc wants me to practice staring into a candle for five minutes and then close my eyes and try to "see" the light after I close my eyes.
It takes about three or four days of practicing to start to see the light -- 5 mins each day for a few days and then continuing the practice 5 mins each day.
(I use a battery operated candle because I don't like open flames.)
She thinks that this is a good focusing exercise.

I've done it in the past but I don't do it now because it is too hard to stop what I am doing and focus on a candle. I feel chaotic right now.

M.

how is your mood
 

hi Bobby,

how are you doing overall - how is your mood? feeling different at all with the Depakote? may i ask how much you are taking and is it extended release or regular?

~ waves ~

Dear Bobby,
Also try to be merciful with yourself.

I still think this can be medicated.
You're fine except for the meds needing to be more helpful.

M.

hi
i don't know how i am feeling. this morning i have a cat scan but the doctor doesn't think it will find anything. i had a breathing test yesterday. the guy was really nice. he is close to my age is very physically active. i told him he looked great. he told me i looked great too and he liked my hair. it is natural. it has a lot of silver like gray and dark brown and shoulder length.....totally natural. he might call me. he asked if it were all right. he thinks my problem is weight. i told him how jealous i was of his sports accomplishments. i kept on repeating myself. he even goes ski boarding!
last night i had so much trouble sleeping. the depakote is regular release. i take it right before i try to fall asleep. sometimes i think it works but most of the time i don't think it works. i think i noticed an increase in my appetite.
i don't know what to do. i also don't know if that fellow will call me. it was a boost to my ego whether he calls me or not. just to be noticed even at this weight. he was rubbing my back when i was taking the tests and it felt so good.
bobby
Mari this medication has helped me gain so very much weight

i took the scan scan...it was a piece of cake...i joked about the bipolar and gaining 100 pounds.........thanks to the medication...i almost cracked up but then regained control. i have another doctor's appt on wednesday and he will tell me the results. med tech appears to be a nice profession to go into
bobby

Dear Bobby
 

that is good that the breathing tests and cat scan went well. :)

I hope the tech you talked to yesterday calls you. ;)

love

waves

he called and we had a nice chat..he is really into a lot of things. he mentioned coming over during the day some time since he works close by. i said that was fine.
bobby

Dear Bobby,
You have a great people gift.
. . . attracting new people into your life . . . and keeping older ones.
You are probably charming and considerate of others.

I find I could live in a cave with access to books and music and do fine for a while. (not charming).


M.

oh mari
you are the most caring person. i would love to meet you. i bet your students love you and they never forget you. what an impression you must leave on them
i think my bipolar could attract people when i am not depressed and too anxious and my sense of humor is working . i can be quite funny and shocking. my honesty also can be brutal so i am very real. i guess that is a rarity. some people might call it boundary troubles but i need to relate to people and not have much superficial stuff. it bores me
bobby

Wow!!!
that is exciting!
(((HUGS))))
bizi