How I wish this was the last night...
 

How I wish I didn't have to wake up again tomorrow...

I don't know if thank God or complaint to him the fact that I don't have a gun with me... I think I would use it tonight :(

I'm sad as usually but tonight is one of those nights when the frustration is untolerable.... I hate my life as you can't imagine... Its full of frustrations, unfinnished dreams... I'm so tired of it...

You know how I feel now, I just wish I could fly, fly away, escape... I hate the people around me, hate my relatives... I'm not afraid of asking for help, but they NEVER help me... Well, never is much, but only when they want, not when I need it...

I'm so tired... Everything around me is about school... I don't know how to do anything else...

All my dreams are truncated all the time and I just see how others live my dreams while I can't...

I'm lonely, without money, without health... And I have to wake up ? Why ? I can't ! I simply can't and I don't want to.

:(

Oh Blue, I wish I could make you feel better.

I'm having a sad time right now too, so I don't really have any advise to give, (how do I make someone else feel better when I can't make myself feel good?). Well... at least I can be here to :hug: you and tell you you're not alone.

I'm glad that you don't have a gun, I would be very sad if you weren't around anymore.

There's nothing quite like feeling alone even when there are lot of people around. I feel like that a lot, even though I'm around a group of people my age they always make me feel left out. :(

Your title reminded me of this song, I think it's appropriate: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP0Ne9aW7UI.
It's something I wish someone would say to me one day, but until the the song will have to do.

I hope tomorrow when you wake up you feel at least a little better, I will be thinking of and praying for you.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Aw TL1 !!!! :hug: :hug: hun !!! The song was beautiful !!! Never heard it before and now I can't stop !!! Thanks !! What the song says, is what you did to me tonight !! :hug:

Thanks for the hugs and for being here !! :hug:

I wish you too can feel better tomorrow... Ill pray for you as well... I can really feel the power of prayers.

Love ya :hug:

Dear Blue
 

I know the pain,and understand deeply what you are saying. Hang in there. Things get better again,after these mood swings let up. Scientists are getting closer to helping us in a better way,and discovering better medications. The Lord knows what you are going through,because He felt these pains on the cross.

Gosh I wish that I could take the pain away from you. People who don't experience these inner pains can't immagine the storm of pain that we go through. I know it's difficult,and lonely at night. You are here for a reason. You are here for a eternal reason. BF:hug::grouphug::hug:

Suicide, The Forever Decision by Paul Quinnett is an excellent book for those considering suicide and I highly recommend reading this before making any decisions about your life.

http://www.suicideteen.com/teen-suiicide-chapter-6.htm

I can understand feeling so depressed that you wish it would end. But you must believe me when I say that those people who love you, your families and friends would be forever changed by your decision.

The horror of finding a loved one with their brains scattered from using a gun is a picture that won't leave your mind. :(

Let's be like the geese....

http://www.leadershipi2i.com/geese.cfm

can you hear me honking?

Hugs for the room. :grouphug:

To Blue
 

Blue you are such a valuable friend - always supportive of anyone in trouble. Now you are in trouble and I don't know what to say. Can you gain any satisfaction from knowing how many people you've helped? Have you tried visiting a church? Those pople are usually welcoming and don't lay on too much pressure. If you don't like one go to a different one. I'm thinking of you and would do anything I could to lighten your load. Hugs and peace.

NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 

Dearest Blue,

I know your anguish. Despite my reputation as the class clown, I have these impulses too. The accident shattered my body and my mind and left me with a life I am struggling not to hate. At my darkest, I think my family would be better off without me. Then I think about the things Allfe has said to folks like us on the forum.

Allfe’s right that suicide wouldn’t end our troubles as much as it would transfer them to others. My friends and family would be horrified and would grapple for years with a feeling that they had failed me. Children blame themselves for everything. I can’t imagine how that guilt, coupled with a sense of abandonment, would cripple my daughter’s life.

Suicide hurts others and, at its core, it’s ultimately selfish. Blue, I have read your posts, and if there is one thing I know about you, it’s that you have enormous empathy for others. Even from your own pain you can reach out and touch hearts. This is a rare gift. Watch the news: the world is full of selfish, egocentric losers. Those sorts of people never commit suicide; they simply aren’t sufficiently evolved to experience existential angst. The world simply can’t afford to lose someone like you – one of the special people who redeem humanity.

I’ve heard it said that all lives are a failure when examined from the inside. When I think of your accomplishments, I just can’t believe that you don’t see the value in your life. Do you have any idea what a small percentage of people in this world – especially women - reach your level of educational achievement? Your potential is limitless. Your research could change so many lives for good and throughout your career you will be an inspiration to girls entering the sciences. That my dear, is not insignificant.

You are beautiful inside and out and someday someone special is going to recognize that. If you left now, you would deny yourself so many unbelievably wonderful experiences. You would never know the sublime contentment of cuddling a nursing baby in the quiet of the night. Those babies would never be born to know the kind of loving mother that all children deserve and that builds great people. Your best days lie ahead.

Blue, life is not static. That things seem bad now, does not mean they will always be. Things come along that we can’t possibly predict – caring people, new medications, job opportunities – and change our lives for good. I know it’s hard, but we do all have one another to hang on to as we muddle, one way or another, to better days. That my dear friend, is far more than enough.
:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

Good morning dear sweet all.

Thank you for your prayers... I was able to sleep in peace last night, from 2 am to 10 am... Without even moving ! :o
It's a shame I had to wake up and remember all my problems :(

(((Steve))), (((barbo))), (((Alffe))) and (((Hockey))), thank you for being so sweet to me, your messages really touched me deep in my heart and. I really appreciate them.
Thanks for understanding me and sharing this with me.

I went to the church yesterday actually... I wanted to feel the sun-light and then talk to God... Ok, I find this very odd, but the sun-light made me cry, cry and cry :rolleyes: When I arrived to the church, I was feeling miserable and I could only express God how sad and lonely I was felling... I was expecting the sun would help me feel better, but it didn't happen... How weird is that ?

I have a main frustration right now, that is killing me...
Imagine you start to dream with a cake... You start to imagine and idealize how wonderful it would be if you could find a vainilla cake, covered with white chocolate and decorated with strawberries and kiwis... Something very special and even uncommon... You think about it's decoration too... You imagine even the most ridiculous detail...
One day after, you find out, that exactly that cake exists !! :eek: exactly as you imagined it... With all your details... It is perfect for you... Better ? Impossible... Is all you need... BUT, when you are going to grab it and feel happy, you find out you don't have money... And, in case you manage to get the money, you are diabetic and can't eat it...
How frustrating !!! I'm feeling that way... (I'm not talking about a man this time.. Well, half-half :o )
Like, why was that cake created according to my right dream if it's not going to be mine ???

Yes... I have been thinking that maybe I don't deserve it... Or, that it is not the right cake for me and that better ones are to come BUT, it is not a common cake, is the one I asked God I wanted... Why did he created it if at theend he won't let me reach it ??? :(

I'm... Sad, frustrated, worried and even mad as crazy...

I know suicide is not the solution, but, I'm tired and with a nasty headache as I can't stop thinking about the cake !!!!!

Thanks for llistening.

Hugs for everybody !! :hug:

Blue
 

Beautiful things make me cry. That's probably what the sun did to you. Were you able to introduce yourself to anyone at church - or didn't you get that far? There's always next Sunday. Hugs.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TImNW...=youtube_gdata


*******************

Blue,
Of course you deserve the good things!!! Everyone does!!
God doesn't always give us what we want...but he always provides us with what we need.

This cake you speak of, though it is not a common cake for you.... sounds beautiful and delicious...but have you given that thought that this cake may not be for you as maybe it's too small, maybe too big, maybe it's too sweet, maybe not sweet enough...

Please know what you are seeing may not be good enough for you on the inside... maybe the cake you want sounds good and looks good but is not good. Yes, this cake you dream of exists...but is out of your reach for some reason not made clear to you.

God often lets us see and experience many beautiful things that would cause us great harm... Lightening shooting across the sky is beautiful...but to touch it would likely kill us. Lava flowing from a volcano...beautiful too... but to touch would severely burn us...likely even take our life.

God also brings us beautiful things that cause no harm and make us happy just when we need to experience them the most. Like a rainbow after the storm.

Don't stop dreaming of the good things you want in life... just know that they may not come when you want them... they will come when you need them...it may not be the exact thing you wanted but if you give it a closer look you will see it's exactly as it should be... and most likely will come when you quit looking for them.

I hope this makes sense... Blue you do deserve the BEST that this life has to offer!!!

:hug:
Abbie

(((Blue))) Fasten your seatbelt, sweetheart. This rough ride will pass. Baby yourself with something you love. :hug:

and the white chocolate cake would be wonderful, but what about that yellow cake with the raspberries and candied pansies over there? If not, what sort of cake is in the next bakery? One you never thought of trying might be just the exact one for you.

Never leave anything good in life untasted...just a bite is worth hanging on for.

I know we don't know one another, Blue, but I am here for you, and with you...I understand too.
Let's get a cookbook and see what we can dream up?

Dear MaJo
 

I am glad you do not have a gun.
I am glad you have the talent and grit to go through a PhD in the sciences.

i wanted to say something about this particular point:

it is very simple with me. sometimes i find sunlight cheery, warming, comforting. but other times, specifically if i am in a very very dark place, it overwhelms me. it upsets me more.

with me, i believe it is the contrast that is upsetting: the brilliance of the sun against the darkness of my feelings. so, when i have been so dark on the inside, but the sun decided still to splatter itself all over the outside, i would call this "mood-incongruent weather."

i am glad you can talk to God. it doesn't matter if you want to complain or ask for things. Being able to talk to God is good.

Also see if you can hear or see God sometimes. Some do it with a sort of meditative prayer. Another way is actually quite tangible. Try getting near a plant or another creation of nature... (NOT MAN MADE) and observe it. carefully. trace all its perfection and its imperfections... a bud with a dew drop glinting diamonds and rainbows off it. a withering leaf with an unsightly gaping hole eaten by a caterpillar... think of the butterfly that came to life by feeding on that leaf. Trace these physical paths and causal paths with your mind, in Creation, and you will see something no less than Divine. and maybe realize that it is all connected. all intertwined. and that you are no less... you are part of all this. we all are.

:hug:

~ waves ~ hoping you start feeling better

Hello dear all,

Sorry for not writing before, I just came here and thanked because I couldnt write as I was very touched and couldnt stop crying............ :grouphug:

You always make me feel better and happier :hug:

(((barbo))) I couldnt talk to anybody as I was crying at the church.... a woman gave me a prayer to read, and told me I would feel better... I actually did... and realised the people there probably had bigger problems than me... I ended praying for everybody :o That felt good.

(((Alffe))) :hug: :hug: :hug:

(((Abbie))) That was a very, very beautiful post !!! you touched me deeply in my heart !!! :hug: You know, I cant stop dreaming... sometimes I wonder if that's my problem... I dont know how to manage my dreams... I always want to reach them, and, sometimes that causes me trouble... :(
Im re-reading your post... it is pretty and wise... Thank you so much Abbie !

(((Doody))) :hug: :hug: :hug:

(((da duck))) Your post also touched me so deeply... I couldnt stop crying... you are so right... very wise... thank you for talking about cakes for me !!! :D :hug:

(((waves))) you are very smart honey !!! you always have explanations for all the weird things that happen to me !!! Thanks for all that stuff. It makes sense... I will be "careful" when getting out to the sun light after staying in a dark room for 5 days :eek:

I want to leave blessing for you all...

I wanted to write before, but my mind was... all messed up !!!

I have the impression Im not expressing everything I would like to, but, oh yeah :o I LOVE YOU !!!

Blue....

Sending prayers...

I understand your feelings and frustrations about this cake...

Makes me wonder how this cake feels about being enjoyed by you... is this cake giving you any clear cut signs that it does or doesn't want to be enjoyed by you?

Have you made any attempts to let the "cake" know you are interested?

Or is it just something you are nearby to and you see that it is beautiful and you want to enjoy?

Remember... Rainbows are beautiful but no matter how hard we try... we can NEVER touch them... we can only enjoy from a distance and only for a limited amount of time.

:hug:
Abbie

Hi Blue

Maybe I can't be as profound as everyone else here but I can still pray for you and send you :hug:s.

Profound??? :D :cool: :eek: :p

Happy New Year Lonely1...have you heard from our reyn???? :grouphug:

Thank you for your prayers dear all. I failed in my atempts again :(
I've trying to open different doors to reach the cake but oh... all of them are closed :(

(((Abbie))) Unfortunately I can't talk to the cake... :( It is something material.... It is a trip actually... Or it was as I see it far away now :(

Please Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.... :hug: :(

I will fight till the last minute... Argh... I know this is bad for my anxiety but.... :(

Dearest Blue,

I have been thinking about your cake metaphor. After careful consideration, I feel compelled to tell you that there is no cake, complete and beautiful and sitting just outside our grasp. Instead, we are surrounded by ingredients: it’s our job to mix them together and bake our own cake.

I believe that a lot of us with troubles slow our journey to happiness by believing if we just had this one thing (whatever it is), that all would be well. Waiting for that one big cake, can keep us from doing what needs to be done to reach goals and prevents us for savoring life’s little treats. For example, there are people who crave a relationship, but don’t go anywhere they might meet people. Others develop attractions for people who are unattainable (married, far away, etc…) without realizing they may be doing this because they aren’t truly ready for a relationship. (As the song says, “imaginary lovers never let you down…”) What these people fail to recognize is that they may need to develop some sense of self-love before they can enter a healthy, meaningful partnership.

Instead of waiting for that one big thing to come along (I blame some of this on the Prince Charming stuff fed to little girls and the cavalry arriving at the last moment junk fed to little boys.) and making everything right, we have to go out there and scrape our cake together one crumb at a time. We need to think about the things we can do to make our lives better. I know it’s hard to be proactive, but it’s the little things that add up and make the difference. Volunteer, indulge in a hobby, learn something new, adopt an abused animal… Get busy and one day you might realize you’ve cobbled together your own cake. The best thing about this cake is that, because it’s made up of so many small ingredients, you won’t be devastated when the occasional sprinkle falls off.

In short Blue, there is no point delaying your life and torturing yourself waiting for some non-existent, unattainable model of perfection. We have all heard of people who thought all of their problems would be over after a big lottery win, only to be left shocked and bitterly disappointed. What happened? The people didn’t change. Life is about slow change and evolution. It’s about trying to do good and positive things and one day looking back and thinking “I have built a moral life with friends who love me. It may not be perfect, but it is within my power to make it better.”

At the end of the day, the most important ingredient is us. And Blue, I know you have what it takes to bake one fabulous cake.:hug:

Cheer:hug:

Blue,
First of all, I was about to post an entry along the same lines as yours. I'm feeling the EXACT same things as you are. I feel like I fell off the bandwagon and I've been left at the side of the road.

I don't even know where to begin but I will send you all the support I have if you just think about me too <3 :hug::grouphug:

Ah..... I can 100% relate to wanting to go on a much desired trip and watching it slip away....

I had everything planned... plane tickets in hand but something inside of me wouldn't let me pack even one item... the day before I was supposed to leave, I got a call telling me that my trip had been cancelled.

It was several months later and hopes of it ever happening had long passed... but I did end up making the trip... so keep it in your dreams, keep saving money and when the time is right... I believe your dreams will come true!!!

:hug:
Abbie

((Blue)) you are in my thoughts and prayers. I haven't been around much lately, but I felt drawn back to the forum--guess it was because of you. Now I know that I can just be one more person thinking of you and praying for you.

From my *heart,
reyn

Cake metaphor
 

[QUOTE=BlueMajo;607039]Good morning dear sweet all.

Thank you for your prayers... I was able to sleep in peace last night, from 2 am to 10 am... Without even moving ! :o
It's a shame I had to wake up and remember all my problems :(


.. I was expecting the sun would help me feel better, but it didn't happen... How weird is that ?
Hi Blue, I feel compelled to offer support for how weird the crying can feel when we expected something else. I am deeply moved by your sharing and very grateful for reading the thoughtful and caring replies. I offer a tid-bit of experience from the depths of the dark side as well. The tears at going to meet god and have a talk, are likely the common reaction to the experience of light pouring out of the crack in your heart. For some reason the Grace of this light comes unexpectedly. We cry because there is no other response on the physiological level, to the immensity of that grace touching us directly.

This is often first labeled by the mind as something wrong. Tears mean something is wrong, right? But if we SIMPLY observe the body, the instinctual experience, more neutrally, we often discover it has nothing to do with any part of our "story". It often opens up due to the story, as a compensating energy, showing us we are more than the one perspective.

We are both sides. The paradox seems to be the challenge to allow the other side as much value, when we have mentally adjusted mostly to the painful perspectives. It takes a moment to shift awareness to catch grace in action. Every time we do notice it, we can remember we are THAT LIGHT AS WELL. So the dark story is never taken as the whole in quite the same way again. The good news/bad news paradox and irony.Then our body cries tears of remembrance not sadness, one might use the words 'bitter sweet' tears.

I hope this sharing of mine will support those brief moments where the light shines like a beacon through the crack in your broken heart. It says, look here I am as well.....Both /And rather than only this is real.....


Like, why was that cake created according to my right dream if it's not going to be mine ???

Loved your cake metaphor. Wondering if it might represent your conscious desires for whatever the underlying representation means to you. Unattainable because it is made up of idealized version of reality not embodied in life limitations in matter. Sometimes what looks good and yummy in the beginning, becomes less yummy in the end.

Maybe it is unattainable not because you don't deserve good, yummy things, but because it is too small and limited version of the delicious, juicy thing you really want and deserve. Sometimes the mind tricks us into grabbing onto the hollow treats, and the idealized version of reality they represent.

I have certainly mistaken the 'lovely appearing cake' as my expected outcome in the past. Some part of me somehow knew better. I never quite got to have that expectation or desire fulfilled. Yet I assure you there is the possibility of something even better, more juicy, representing a higher potential enjoyment, than what the regular craving mind can imagine.

The other unknown option is what I have to remember to make room for in my life. When I do surprising things come forth. I learn that I do not know what is best for me at all much of the time. And the old maxim- be careful of what you wish for holds true......

I hope you might make room to:hug: feel this momentary surprise and shift in awareness, and be able to build on it and discover something new and exciting within the frustrating and aggravating process.

Hope things are better lately, and that something rings true in what I was inspired to share. Thanks for the chance to remember the process of finding the unknown mysterious thing which makes everything balance out perfectly!

Best Wishes for the New Year TT:hug::hug:

Hiya Blue,

I just thought I'd drop by and see how you were doing. I hope you are feeling better.

I'm still praying for you, and trying to send you warm comforting thoughts and lots of hugs.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

You will get through this, and we will be here to help you. God has His plans for us, and even if we can't know what they are, we can try to do our best with what He has given us, and know that if we truly try our hardest, then we are certainly following the right course.

Lucky for us God has given us all this website, so we can share with our loving family.

More Hugs,

:hug: :hug: :hug:

You are too sweet and compassionate to be feelling so down.

Hi Blue, thinking about you and praying for you. :hug:

Thinking about you Blue and hoping you are feeling some better. :grouphug:

Hello my very dear all,

I wanted to come here before, but I was feeling crappy and decided not to because I felt I was going to fill our sweet room with my pest....

I dont know if today is a good day for me to write as I hate sundays and my mood during them is not like the best...

However, I read your posts and couldnt leave wuthout replying...

HOCKEY: You are so right.... I definetely think I need, urgently, to start working in loving me first.... i was thinking the other day, and I hate me... If I could change anything about my life, I would change EVERYTHING ! :( How pathetic is that ! :(
Thank for your sweet words Hockey :hug: I will start looking for the nice ingredients that surround me.......

MEG: :hug: Oh dear Meg !!! I hate to read you feel like me because it is a horrible feeling huh ? :( But, somehow we have to keep fighting... and dreaming... with cakes :D No, seriously, thanks for your post, and, I'll pray and think about you too... :hug: :hug: :hug:

ABBIE: Your post was so sweet !!! Ill pray so ALL your dreams can come true too !!! I love you dear Abbie.

REYN: Thank you so much for praying for me.... I always say I can trully feel the power of people praying for me... so, I really appreciate you take the time to say a prayer for me :)

TINGLY: Oh ! that sweet post and those lovely words !! Thank you tingly... you made me cry :o Oh lord... I cant help it... I have realised I cry a lot !!

THELONELY: Hey cutie !!! Thanks for the hugs and prayers !!! You are always in my mind and prayers. Thanks for caring about me !

SANDY: I really appreciate your prayers and words... they mean A LOT to me !! :winky:

ALFFE: Thanks for always, ALWAYS being here for me.... and for remembering me...

Im still not feeling good.... I have a busy week, full of exams... things to do... STRESS !!!
Plus, this month, it will be 2 years since I had my bad eye surgery :( So, as you can imagine, I start to feel BAD again....

Thanks for thinking about me.

:grouphug:

Thank you for posting Blue, we've missed you for the past few days, I was starting to get worried. I'm sorry you still feel bad, and school always, always, ALWAYS makes things worse doesn't it? But please don't give up on it. One day you're going to be a world famous doctor, and you'll cure numerous diseases, and save many lives.

You are going to make the world a better place to live, I believe in you. :)

And by the way, you could never be a pest here.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Dear TheLonely.... (((((Hugs)))))

Ive missed you too !!! :hug: :hug: :hug:

Thanks for thinking about me... you are very kind....

Hope you are doing fine !!! :hug:

argh...... I cant belive this... and I hate to say it, but, Majo's been hit my depression again... :(

Oh boy... Im feeling NASTY now... I cry for everything... I feel fear for everything....

I hate everything that surrounds me... I dont enjoy the things I used to enjoy yesterday,... how crazy is that ? yesterday ! I was fighting yesterday for something I hate today... :mad: :( That's what I call a mood swing....

I was feeling like taking a nap when suddenly, anger invaded me... and with anger comes the sadness... What is this ?? I feel C-R-A-Z-Y....

I hate the life that surrounds me.... I feel confused... I feel... weird... tired... excited... oh boy... and Im not taking anything ! no medicines !!

People around me annoys me... I know i shouldnt care... but I cant...

Argh... I just want to lay over my bed, in a pretty dark room... and forget everything...

:mad:

Hi Blue
 

I hope that you feel better. Those things that you have described,I feel sometimes. Hang in there. Please read some of the Psalms. I hope that you feel better. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Oh dear Blue, I'm sorry you feel bad.

You are not crazy, depression is just a horrible confusing thing. It is a greedy, selfish monster that eats your happiness... maybe you should get some medications to lull the monster back to sleep? Being on meds is not a bad thing, they are a necessary tool to improve your life.

The things you liked yesterday haven't changed; when the monster goes away you'll be able to see that, and you will like them again. It's just a matter of time...

Try to be patient, okay? You are worth the wait and effort. Seek help wherever you can, whether in therapy or with meds, or both, and we will always be here as a never ending supply of love and support. I want you to be happy just as much as you do. :hug:

:hug: :hug: :hug:

Smart thinking Lonely1..."the things you liked yeterday, haven't changed"...I like that a lot!:hug:

(((Blue)))

Hi Blue...

The fact that you are crying shows you do care... tears flow for a reason.

Fears lets you know that you are among the living!!

When you no longer cry over things and you have no fear... that would scare the beejeebers out of me.

Keep talking...
:hug:
Abbie

Im still nor feeling precisly ok...

I want to say lots of things, but my mind wont let me... how weird is that ?? I wanted to come here before, but I felt too tired...

Im feeling confused, tired, sleepy, weird...

Im back to my vitamins and minerals... dont know... feeling weird ! :(