Trying to explain....I am not well.
 

This is hard for me to write about.
Since I tend to run on the mostly hypomanic side of bipolar it is hard for me to explain when I am "unwell".
For a while I have been running high.
I have been having a lot of fun...., have been enjoying the festivities...the christmas cruise, new years eve, my birthday and then birthday dinner surprise after that, valentines day, super bowl, mardi gras and a gala that was over the top....with my neighbor who is over the top.
Fun Fun Fun......
WE have been spending a lot of money eating dinners out. Spending more money in general....I have been less inhibited, more talkative, more friendly.

It seems that I am happy and enjoying my life but have been overendulging, have been eating nonstop have gained weight my scrubs look terrible, it is like I never slowed down enough to really see how unprofessional they looked I have to go buy new ones. sigh
I thought I was going to join a gym but that is very expensive and a commitment. Which I am terrible at making.
This weekend has been a blur.
Friday night I was so easily distracted and not paying attention that I was chatting in a chat room with someone and the phone rang and got distracted then jeff was watching a movie that I decided to watch with him and left that person in the chat room waiting for me to come back....terrible of me.
I felt so badly about it later when I returned to the computer and figured out what happened. This happens time and time again when I get hypomanic...I have to start back peddling to apologise for my behavior.
Because it is thoughtless and careless....not like myself...or is it. That is when I start to feel badly about myself,
and start to get mad and angry at myself...and then the self loathing comes up.
Yesterday I spent 4 hours with a girlfriend, we went to lunch and then a museum I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
Later at the end of the day...I had already forgotten what I had done...the day was gone and I had to sit and think for a few minutes what I did then remembered my girlfriend and our outing...I had already forgotten. I was running so fast. I started reading this book on line about twilight. I was obcessed with reading I was so absorbed (the story is so good)that I continued to ignore the fact that it was getting late and I had to get myself cleaned up and do my exercises and get ready for bed and it was 1am. (Usually I take my meds and go to bed and lights out by midnight)....I sat there in the bathroom frozen unable to decide what to do first...it took me forever to get a grip and make myself do what I had to do. I had upset my routine. I got to bed at 2am....wide awake....waiting for my meds to kick in.
I feel like I get self absorbed and feel terrible about it all, like I have been ignoring Jeff.
So again I start apologizing...this is part of my bipolar and this is where I have to really pay attention and reel it in.
Jeff is not going to say anything to me about it. He concentrates on his music. I am already taking alot of meds, both my pdoc and tdoc tell me that I have to just learn how to deal with my behavior....and thus the consequences.
I have to slow myself down like I am doing and get back to reality and back to a more sane and moderate living.....
I am going to try not to beat myself up.
~sigh
bizi

Beth, may I suggest you call your doctor in the a.m.? Sometimes when high we think we can handle it on our own but in fact we often can not.

barbara

Dear Beth,

You reached out to us here.
On Monday reach out to the pdoc for help.
The pdoc can help you in real life.

M.

thank you mari,
I think I have a handle on it now...reining it in myself...it is just she has already said that I need to deal with this....that I can't rely on meds to fix my behavior.
I just asked jeff if he felt I was hypomanic and he said no.....
I can't explain my behavior last nite....it was childish, ignoring my responsibilty to myself the adult self and rewarding the child self,(escapism in this fantasy twilight book) the pleasure seeking child....does that make any sense?
bizi

Beth,
Yes, I see that you are rattled about this.

It does not make any sense to me that you beating yourself up.

You still need to call the pdoc and let her know that the past two days have been more intense in this regard than usual. Make sure she knows how you feel tonight. You can read / fax your post to her. She might not make any changes, but you need to be on record about what is going on.

Does your pdoc talk to you about adult self and child self?
Are those the things that she is working on with you?


M.

Yes we have talked about different developmental stages that I seem to be stuck in emotionally.
She thinks I am stuck in the adolescent stage......
bizi
When I get hypomanic I retreat/revert back to earlier stages of development....(not adult behaviors)

Dear Beth,

I'm sending lots of hugs and good thoughts :hug: :hug: :hug:

I hope that you feel better.

M.

dear beth
i do think you need increases in medication in periods like this. the same way with my depression but i would rather trade. yours sounds like so much more fun but they are both very dangerous. I am so afraid you are putting yourself in harm's way and don't realize it. during these times your judgment is impaired but it seems so innocent nobody takes it serious. TAKE IT SERIOUS.
WE WANT YOU TO TAKE THE BEST CARE OF YOURSELF. CERTAIN TIMES WE CAN'T DO IT OURSELVES
FONDLY
BOBBY

Bizi, it is good that you can be objective enough to know that something is wrong at a time when you can still rein yourself in - as my pdoc says that can keep a lot of trouble away.
If Jeff doesn't think there is much wrong, things can't be that bad.
Sometimes if there is an event that sends one into a high, the sheer momentum continues for quite a while, and then suddenly everything goes into a tailspin. May be you've reached that stage now.
Call and see your pdoc asap and meanwhile self observe. You seem to be good at that. :hug:

Thank you bobby, The problem is that I am already at the highest dose of meds on these particular meds. So there really is not any lee way, other than a medication change, different meds which I am unwilling to try something new when I see this as behavioral.
Thank you isis yes I am aware of subtle changes but can get completely out of whack when I "decide" to do something really stupid like I did 18 months ago....make myself get off sleeping pills(ambien), make myself try to get back to a regular sleep cylce...I did not sleep really for 4 months and finally asked pdoc for some klonipin which did the trick. My mania turned into an awful dysphoria/mixed mood...it was terrible. I was so against getting back on a benzo but klonipin has fewer side effects than ambien so I felt better about that.

OK I just got off the phone with my pdocs office, left a message telling them that i was dealing with alittle hypomania and wanted them to know that....that I thought I was doing ok but wanted them to know about it.

bizi

Bizi

I see you doing some self evaluating. I am not sure its so bad a thing.
Yes you are worried because you have been enjoying yourself.

But I also think at times in our life's when these times are available
they are necessary.

One thing I would suggest you do is sit down. Figure out if maybe
you are trying to avoid doing something. Because in my opionion
a adolescent that starts overdueing things, and say doesn't do homework
is doing just that.

And its fixable.

I am proud of you to tell you the truth, you know its going on.

Donna

thank you Donna, that is sweet of you to say that.
bizi

Dear Bizi
 

It sounds like you have had some real fun,and maybe got a little carried away,and forgot about the person who you where talking to online. You are human,and are going to make mistakes.

Remember the good times that you have had. Don't be to hard on yourself. I apologize alot myself,because I feel these self condemnation guilts all of the time. I have a problem with false guilt. It sort of pops the bubble after you have had some fun.

The more fun that you have had,the more false guilt grips you later. It is a painful thing. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Dear Beth, :hug: :hug: :hug:

Do you have a tool box of calming techniques?
Get a massage? Do gardening? Spend time with the kitties?
Get extra sleep?
Things like that?

Mari

I am thankful for you guys...I really am fine...jsut was getting abit worked up...I feel more stable less impulsive, more grounded was able to get up and getting ready to go see clients today instead of jsut staying in bed like I wanted to do. so that is good....now to get off this computer so I won't miss her visit, she doesn't know that I am coming, altzheimers patient in a nursing home, very sweet lady. I have a lot of sweet ladies, grandparents I call them.
bizi:o

Good plan Bizi.

Donna

Beth, that sounds good.

barbara

Bizi That should bring fulfillment. Have some fun also,with out false guilt. BF:hug::hug::hug:

How do you work? I can barely keep it together at the Health Center where I am

Dear Beth
 

I hope you are feeling better by now. :hug:

~ waves ~

I am self-employed and have a relatively low stress job.
Being an RN, I can operate an in home foot care business.(pedicures for the elderly) I see maybe 3-4 people a day. I love my job and my clients! I have over 100 clients that I see on a regular basis. The paperwork is minimal and since I am not a morning person, My first appointment is not until 10 or 10;30am....but I only schedule one person before lunch so if I am really having a hard time getting started, I call and reschedule and go back to bed....and work them in later the day or another day. Doing the paperwork most of the time is like pulling teeth. I hate what little charting that I have to do. Half my clients I send bills to their families so there is that too. It is just me so I do it all. I am very low tech to keep it simple and as stress free as possible. I am very grateful that I came up with this business and have since learned there are foot care nurses all over the country. REcently I learned that there is another nurse in my town and another one on her way who will be my competition. Just this week I approached the senior center about offering a clinic there...we shall see if that works out or not. I had a terribly slow month for feb and was feeling a bit panicy that I needed to do something else to generate more business. Offering a lower cost clinic would do that for me if they agree to having it.
anyway.
I could never do a regular nursing job....way too stressful and I am really good one on one. In indiana, I used to do homecare nursing but the paperwork became unbearable. I have been running this business here for 9 years. I can't see myself doing anything else.
bizi

How are you today Bizi ??

I think is, sort of typical that, us, after having too much fun, we feel down again... At least that happen to me...
I dont know what exactly it is... Maybe, adrenaline keep us going and, then, when we relax, body feel tired and down/blue ?? dont know... nostalgy invades me often after a good moment... :rolleyes:

But, are you feeling fine again ?? Hope so !! we love you so much ! :grouphug:

Youe job sound pretty nice by the way !!!

Bizi

I like the sound of your job.

Donna

Addicted to "false guilt", I think...
 

At last! There is a "slot" for the self-condemnation guilt that also plagues me! You hit the nail on the head...it is called "FALSE GUILT!" So many things I still feel guilty about are not owned by me but placed on me by others, ex: religion, children, society...and I LET it happen! After so much treatment and therapy that should have been evident to me by now. It has been explained to me before that I am NOT guilty, worthless or totally responsible for ALL things.:) I agree, I am not that powerful, but that information didn't resonate within me. Calling it "FALSE GUILT" took away its POWER! It may have been self-pity to let myself continue holding onto that nonsense, (or religion?). When those deep, dark places re-visit, my task will be to remember this "new term," "FALSE GUILT," and apply it to my "stinkin' thinkin'!" in order to keep treading water. I can't wait to use that description!:D My husband will be so proud of me, as I am. There still are things to can learn from others and share with others! My BP won't like that part but my T will! Bet you didn't know what an affect you post would bring! :cool: Thank you, thank you, thank you, from a new NT member. AFUB

I hope it is ok that I am bumping this up
 

Dear Bizi,

:bump:

You wrote this a while ago so maybe things have changed since then. Ask your pdoc and tdoc to give you more help if you feel that you need it now.

M.

Since this post I went on a diet and lost 20 pounds and joined a gym and got stronger discovered that I was not taking my meds right, still am not can't remember if I took them with dinner tonight or not...I think I did...
sigh
jeff called they played twice at the festival, had a great time and is staying at a host families house...which is very, very nice!:)
I think I will take my geodon again that is if I took it earlier, it will be ok if I have more....
I am out of my routine....not good.
This anxiety of being alone was crippling last night.
I feel better almost embaressed at how upset I got.
It was like I was making myself sick, worse....I was a mess.
thank you for putting up with me.
bizi

Dear Bizi,
I hope that you can feel ok about yourself.
Tomorrow is another day. Sometimes we do one day at a time.
:hug: :hug: :hug:

M.

Never be embarassed because you have to reach out.

There is nothing wrong with it.

We are here just for that.

Donna

:hug:(((Bizi)))

It is okay to talk about this stuff. Talking thru what you have been going thru helps one make tremendous stride with their spirit inside. A huge sense of relief- talking to others that will listen (without judgement), many who care and are concerned about you.

Hypomania is not an easy thing to deal with. It may appear to others that you are fine but those are the red flags when our families don't recognize; just not too significant at the time. Our families/etc. often forget what hypomania is about.

The constant thought process that runs inside your head 100 mph, talking constantly- and sometimes repeateding what you have said (Not knowing it), and talking about four subjects all at once. Just for you to realize this on your own and then open up about it with your DH/Boards- very huge factor. A positive one that is.

When you mentioned how you lost 20 pounds, started working out- already you have taken the plunge to help yourself in many ways. It all starts out small but the rewards of caring for yourself are beyond what any med/tdoc can do.

Forgetting to take meds; I do that too. It is not a fun thing. I was on Geodon for a while and I liked it but got switched to Seroquel XR so doctor could see if it was more potent med due to severe anxiety. Both meds are very good ones to be on.

:hug: Nurses are so under-rated with all they do. You are a remarkable person and have a lot to offer your patients/families.... and yourself. :)

Have a good day Monday!! Hugs

Coffeegirl

Thnak you coffee girl
I run a bit below hypo mania and can recognize when I am getting off kilter. Hubby can not.
so it is my responsibilty to sensor myself.
sometimes I do well other times I don't.
when I get hypo I get indulgent. and reactive. over eating drinking impulsive, wreckless. all very childish behaviors....I apoligise alot when I behave this way.The last time this happened I had taken myself off ambien and did not sleep for 4 months...not good.
I take klonipin to sleep now and do fairly well with it.
though I am still drinking quite a bit which interfers with my sleeping.
sigh
I hope you are well.
bizi

Dear Bizi,
I don't see this as childish. I see this as hypo -- which is part of bipolar and not related to being childish or self indulgent.
You need to have 2 serious conversations with your tdoc and pdoc.

They seem to be blaming you for not taking enough responsibility. :hug: :hug: :hug:

Does either one of them understand bipolar?
This is so totally not your fault. You have taken responsibility by seeking them out for treatment.

M.

I am sorry if I have the wrong impression about my health care team, yes my pdoc tells me that I have to deal with my behavior that meds won't fix everything, tells me to call her when I need her and my tdoc is very supportive....i think they understand bipolar....?
The excessive drinking is an acting out sort of thing. So was over eating
I am the one judging myself.
When I am hypo I can act like a 2 year old......acting out, lashing out if you will. pleasure seeking, getting over stimulated, too much computer, too much....I over drank last night and could not sleep, I knew that I had an appointment not until late in the day. and jeff did not get home until 6am! I was still awake. He had a great trip over all. I am tired this morning should try to get some more sleep. Think I will try.
bizi

Dear Bizi,
I don;t understand, but that's ok. You are happy with the care that the pdoc and tdoc give you.
I'm just wishing that you could be less hard on yourself.

I'm sorry that you stayed up all night . . . . I am happy that Jeff is home now.

Mari

yesterday, my girl friend nicole called again, she had called several times over the weekend checking up on me(she knows that I don't do well when jeff is away) and I had not called her back. (bad friend)
so by the time that I spoke to her. She was a little mad that I had not called her back especially since I had not been doing well.
her husband works off shore and when he is in I know to not interupt because they always are doing something, are busy, I told her that I did not want to bother her since kevin was home and she said that I could have come spent the night....that it did not matter that she was there to support me when I needed her.
I apoligized to her and cried alittle, she is such a good friend, I should have called her back.....Her little girl gillian turns 4 this weekend...I got her some dinasaurs, with a train track...hope she likes them!
Yes I am glad tht jeff is home, I slept great last night.
He was very happy how the trip went....so I was happy for him.
I don't have any clients for today....makes me nervous, only had one yesterday.....and many of my regular clients have passed away so I need to do something to drum up some business...one of the doctors that I requested orders from asked to see my credentials, that got me in a flury. I hope he doesn't want to report me or something, maybe he would like to refer some of his patients to me. I sent him all of my training certificates, rn license, resume and liability paperwork...so we will see if he signs my orders or not.
We went out to eat to celebrate jeffs birthday yesterday with some friends at the texas steak house, I had their ribs, they were so good.
thank you for your support.
I really have not learned many tools to help me out of situations when I get stuck....I should work on that.
Well actually I know them I just don't do them....:o

bizi

Bizi:

You have a great business that is unique. Going to doctors that you know/etc. will definitely help build up your cliental. What you do is very unique and soothing for older people/etc.

You are very hard on yourself. It sounds like you understand the signs when you get hypomanic. That is a good thing. It is awesome you are taking care of yourself with eating right and exercise. You give everyone here a lot of hope and inspiration.

Your friend is very caring and she seems to understand you. It is okay to forget things; it is life and that happens. It doesn't mean you are less of a friend/etc. You are busy and have a lot on your mind. It is hard when your DH/boyfriend is away. I too, have problems sleeping when my DH is gone. My pdoc also prescribed Ambien. I absolutely hate to take that med. It does weird things to me and I feel so drugged when I wake up the next morning.

Hang in there! I don't know you and alot of others here but one thing I do know: You and everyone here are very caring people.

Hugs

Coffeegirl

WEll I see my pdoc this morning....not sure what I will tell her.
Have been obcessing over things in general, work relationship with hubby, my business. I also have not been taking my geodon with food, I did not like how it made me feel. I am a little paranoid and jumpy. Have great friend support thru this time....my face has been breaking out more than normal and I have been picking at it....my nose is red and I hate that...trying to put cover up on it...
sigh
bizi

sounds like what you posted is a good start on what to tell her.

see what she makes of it and go from there.

remember you don't have to accept any meds that you feel will be bad for you (like prozac). you are the patient - but also the client.

~ waves ~

I did not tell her any of this.......
sigh

Dear Bizi

i am sorry you didn't get to tell her this.

i read about your visit... it got completely derailed... :(

when are you suppoesd to see her next? could you make an earlier appointment and tell her you need to cover issues that were prempted last visit? doesn't seem like a good idea to wait months on these things....

(((hugs)))

~ waves ~