Not wanting to sleep at night
 

it isn't a phobia or anything. i just like the night. i have rolled over into night-owl hours again, and as usual it is really hard for me to roll back (or forward) ... because i *LIKE* being up at night. it's all peaceful and quiet and stuff.

problem is, then, in the day, it's all noisy (arghhh!) so my sleep quality is compromised.

also problematic when i think in terms of going back to work. sigh. ridiculous really.

it is 3.40 am right now. i'm not sleepy, but i'm probably relaxed enough i *COULD* sleep, if i just turned of the lights and tucked in. i am going to try to force myself. i have been putting it off since 2am, half hour by half hour! same thing last night even though i was a MESS with the headache (using different med tonight).the night before i was sick so doesn't count. but the nights before that... same deal... sigh.

mostly i just keep playing stupid games on the computer. not even really enjoying it. but if i work on my project i would probably have a hard time putting it down before 6 am and even if i did, i might then be too alert to sleep.

ok well here goes nothing.
i WILLLLLL shut down the computer.
i WILLLLLL turn of the lights.
i WILLLLLL SLEEP! NOW! before the birds start going and dawn breaks, sigh.

morning has broken... like the first morning... blackbird has spoken... like the first bird... :D

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
 

I hope you are sleeping. :hug: :hug: :hug:

M.

thanks Mari
 

ummm... welll, as you can see... :o ... not yet.

it was almost four. so... i said i'll wait till four, so my log won't be "off" ...now ehh, it's 10 past. sigh. who am i kidding. i donwanna donwanna donwanna go sleeeep! waaaahhhh.

sheesh. :o:rolleyes:

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
It's hard to get sleep back on track.
You can do it. If you missed your "deadline" for lights out this time, you can try again the next night.

M.

i love cat stevens...please try not to get in the habit of staying up most of the night.....it is awful.............
love
bobby

Slept Yet
 

Just wanted to let you know that I do not sleep either. I am usually up around 3:30 or 4:30 if you ever just wanted to talk instead of playing computer games.:hug:

collinsc

thanks... yeahhh, sigh. ended up going to bed at 5.30 - which is half an hour EARLIER than the previous night! :D but i gotta be up by 8 am tomorrow no matter what! :( our heating system died this morning... tech is coming. sigh. and not at a specific time either - he is going to squeeze us in "some time before noon." ARGHH. dontcha *hate* that??? :(:rolleyes:

too late for that! :p i have always been night owl. i periodically reset to daytime (usually incidental, after a period of sleeping all over the map due to social inconveniences). but my waking hours then always creep forward so i'm up later and later at night... and i prefer that. but it isn't "acceptable" socially and sleeping in the daytime in this house is... well, uncomfortable. :o sigh. :hug: i hope you are getting more sleep, Bobby.

Thanks collinsc! i'll keep that in mind. :D :hug: i'm sorry you don't sleep! Do you get sleep during the day... or not at all??? :eek:

:grouphug:

~ waves ~

sleep
 

I get to sleep once in awhile during the day, but mostly not at all. It is alright for me I guess, I don't really require much sleep.

collinsc

5 am...
 

finally going to bed. (a half hour earlier than yesterday, again)

BUT, i gotta be up at 8 am - that's in 3 hours. :eek::

i hope the tech comes early so i can catch another catnap in the morning.

:Sigh:

~ waves ~ heading into "sleep all over the map" phase :rolleyes:

I also like being up from 12 AM to 4 AM. I'm not sure what this is. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Dear Waves,
 

Two nights ago around 8:15 pm I told hubby I was going for a short walk at a very close park. He asked me why I wait to go out at dark.
My answer: because I don't feel like walking earlier. And better to walk than not to walk.
My clock is whacky.

Good luck with the tech coming in the am.
I hope that he gets it done quickly and effectively so that one visit is enough.

Happy napping.

M.

3 hrs
 

Waves,
I hope you got your 3 hrs sleep. I too am going to go lay down. I should be back up at 7:30, it is now 5:45. Not sure if I will be able to get any quality sleep in that short amount of time, but I am going to try.

collinsc

sometimes i would walk in the dead of night. i never felt like it earlier either. at one point, i lived out in the "boonies" in Florida... miniscule town, no light pollution. the only store was a 7/11 which closed at 3 am. i would go out to walk around then. my housemate's cat, a usually asocial feline, would join me and chase bugs (plentiful). i would look up at the stars... the black sky was littered with them. never had a better view from anywhere else. a fringe benefit of my own wacky clock, i guess! ;)

LOL i guess you are a bit of a night-owl too, huh? :) :cool:

that is just about enough for 2 sleep cycles. if i sleep that little, i am less awake when i wake up, than if i had stayed awake right through. you mentioned having a low sleep requirement, and that does vary across individuals, but 3 hours and less is very uncommon, unless associated with mania (symptom, cause, or both). :eek: i hope this is not the case for you. has this been a life-long thing, or is it recent? does your sleep requirement vary - times when you need more and less sleep? i wonder too, if there could be a connection between this and the fainting. :confused:

~ waves ~

didn't sleep till 7
 

well, despite being tired, i was unable to sleep due to other problems... until 7 am. fortunately my mom overslept and only woke up at 9 and also fortunately, the tech did not show up before then. :rolleyes: so, got two hours to start off.

i got up, folded the bed back into a couch, and curled up on it promptly. the tech got here around 9.30. i had fallen asleep and his ringing woke me. i sat up, but decided i could care less and flopped down again, drifted off while he was here. i woke up again several times during the morning and was finally coherent enough to ascertain he was gone. he was probably long gone, but i had been too groggy to figure it out in my prior awakenings.

then i slept in nibbles until about 2pm. technically enough sleep if you add up all the nibbles, but very poor sleep quality due to the countless awakenings. :o

hopefully i can get to sleep by 5 or 6 am and i will try to get up after 5 hours. i can function on 5 hours, and after a few days, i usually start getting tired earlier at night... here we go again.

i really wish i could just sleep during the day, and be up at night :o but...

:Sigh:

~ waves ~

sleep in nibbles too
 

waves,
I can, sometimes, sleep all night through or at least until 4:30.:) When I have a lot on my mind then I go into a manic phase where I sleep in little spells, an hour or sometimes a half an hour. Never really exceeding 3 or 4 hours total. My doctors have looked into the whole sleeping problem and do not see any connection with the fainting spells. Never a connection to anything other than my low blood pressure, but they have me on meds that do nothing for that.:mad:

collinsc

I am sorry for the interuppted sleep waves....
sorry for many of you folks who suffer with sleep issues.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

Waves I seem to be a night owl. When life causes me to be a early morning person,I seem to become a night owl again after the early morning work has stopped.

Not so with my Dad's generation. They are all early risers it seems. BF:hug::hug::hug:

Add me to the owls club !!!

I like, I mean, I LOVE to be awake until 6 am in the morning... and would love to sleep during the day because I hate sun/light... Shame this is bad for health AND I need to work during the day :o

sigh
 

welcome to the club, blue... i used to stay up real late a lot, even when i worked to be honest. :o it's called, stay awake almost all week and sleep all weekend. :confused: caffeine-o-rama, too. :rolleyes: sometimes i'd get tired enough to sleep more in the week but more often than not, even if was tired during the day, come about midnight i wake up again. if i went to bed before then, i'd wake right up in the middle of the night. i just had to sleep when i could sleep. when i was in college, i worked in the labs - did a lot of graveyard shifts! :D

update... and, this week...
 

i have been sleep deprived and various ailments interfering with my sleep - day and nighttime.

my sleep is now really messed up. it may have to do with the benzo too - i will hold this dose a little longer regardless, since i need to be more settled to taper more. (current dose < 0.20 mg). i also get woken up by surroundings by day, and body clock wakes me up between 10 and midnight. last night, i went for the sleep aid, thought it might give me 8 hours and help me shift my clock. went to sleep just after midnight, wide awake again at 4.30 am. :Noooo:

-------------------------------

my dad has a surgical procedure on wednesday. :o it's real early morning. with this sleep and the nerves i am going to be a wreck. this is why i went for the sleeping stuff last night. there isn't a need for me to go, but i thought it might be nice for them, for moral support. but if i go looking like something the cat dragged in, my mom will feel bad and worry about me, too. :( i don't know what i will do. they have such a loser for a daughter. they deserved better.

~ waves ~

NO!!
 

Waves
Never say you are a loser!!! You have more than your fair share of problems but that does not make you a loser. :hug: I am so sorry to hear about your horrible sleep pattern and how it is upsetting you!!! I really hope you get that sleep you deserve!!!! Just remember you make a lot of people smile on this site. You have cheered me up when I was down and you don't even know me. It takes a special person to do that.

collinsc

thank you
 

thanks, collinsc.

you are very kind. and i am glad to know i have cheered you up. :hug:

~ waves ~

you are the best......currently and intermittently i am working on forgiveness for myself...i think you need to work on it too...it is not our fault we are bipolar and have to deal with it. i don't know why but i think a lot of our expectations for ourselves are way too high because we have the intelligence but our bipolar prevents us from following through BE GENTLE WITH YOURSELF AND FORGIVE YOURSELF FOR ALL THE YEARS OF BEATING YOURSELF UP...IT HAS TO COME FROM YOU
LOVE
bobby

Dear Bobby
 

i actually don't think my sleeping pattern has to do with being bipolar - i was always a night owl even as a small child. but it is true i beat myself up (i don't think that is bipolar per se either, but depression certainly has not helped in that department!) regardless though, you are right i need to stay on that whole self-forgiveness / compassion track. it is a hard track. perhaps because even though i know i can be hypercritical, i don't think i am expecting too much of myself now. i am so unreliable, unproductive, un-everything! i wonder if when i finish the taper i will do better... somehow i doubt it, and then, i will not know what else to do.

sometimes i can't help but wonder if what i need is a huge - perhaps even painful - kick in the butt. like winding up homeless or something. seriously! :o

thank you for your encouragement. i appreciate it. and i will try to let myself off the hook and try to go forward a bit at a time. because anyway so far, whatever kicking of my own butt that i am doing, is not helping, for sure.

love

~ waves ~

you need the opposite....trust me...i am a lot older than you...you need the opposite...you are fragile................you are brilliant....you are so gifted...you carry such a heavy burden...you are a hero
love yu
bobby

three to four hours has been the norm for tweleve months now,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,when im in bed my sleep is disrupted all the time...

drives me crazy

DAVID

listen to bobby!
she is right !!!!!
(((((HUGS))))))
bizi

well i am upset
 

i cannot sleep right and i am upset about THAT. i am not losing sleep over beating myself up, i am just losing sleep. for lots of other reasons: circumstances, physical ailments, body clock. i don't have a moral issue with my night owlness. but it is something i have to "manage" to live half decently, and that isn't going very well AT ALL right now. i am trying to reset and despite all my efforts, THAT is problematic, and it has gone beyond, to where even sleeping when i "can" is problematic because it seems like there is always something that prevents me (like a screaming headache) or wakes me up or whereby i have to wake up.

i want to go with my dad on wednesday and i do not want to be a burden going. and the way i have been is pretty useless, and that feels AWFUL.

MY DAD is having a procedure and it may be simple and all but it is SCARY and if it was me i would be having a cow i would not want it and i wish he didn't have to and my mother is having a cow too. we are all having cows. mooo. :(:(:(

~ waves ~

ps. David i'm sorry about your sleep too... that really bites.

having cows
 

I am sorry for your sleep loss, :(
sorry that it isn't easier....
wish there was some magic pill for all of us!!!!!
wouldn't that be grand!
bizi

Dear Waves,
 

I'm really enjoying this talk of COWS. :) :cool: :eek:
You crack me up.

My sis teaches Spanish. I called to ask if there is
anyway that COW thing can translate into Spanish.
This is the best she had for me: "No Manches."
I wonder if other languages have kind of crazy experessions that do not translate into Eng.

You can handle helping your father with the procedure.
You'll get him through it with good humor I imagine.

M.

moooooooooo!
 

Dear Beth... ha ha yes a magic pill would be nice... for all sorts of things. :o The pills we have just don't seem to cut it, do they.

Dear Mari... thank you so much for your support about my dad. i thought about starting a separate thread but for some reason could not. i am more upset about that than the sleep, and i am more upset about my sleep because of it since the sleep deprivation is a major obstacle here. :(:o

i am glad you liked my COWS. :) i that is a funny expression in Spanish, not familiar with it. i wonder if it is used in the sense of, "don't have a cow" or "don't sweat it" or ... you know. because, it sounds like a command to me. literally, no means not, and manchar means to soil/stain (manches is 2nd pers. sing. subj.)
Maybe BlueMajo will pop in and enlighten us if she is reading...

----------

i hope dad will be ok. it is a standard thing but still has very scary possible complications, during and after. and dad can be a bit bad about following doc's orders - he is quick to go with "don't worry be happy" and that is scary too because there are a lot of "don'ts" that he has to observe afterwards or have permanent damage. :(

i slept a bit this afternoon but i was still off when i woke up. light-headed, not with it, couldn't deal with much food either. mom had a condo meeting tonight so i still helped with dinner and took care of the cleanup after.

i screwed up real bad last night by mentioning some soon-to-happen changes in the broadcasting system and as a result, dad remembered some stuff he will want to see and got obsessed about how to rearrange things to make that possible, lost sleep over it, and while i was washing dishes started moving furniture AND hoisted the VERY HEAVY old tv from the living room into his bedroom! :eek: i nearly choked on my heart out when i saw him. HE has as-yet unidentified back/leg issues so should NOT be hoisting heavy things on his own!!! :(:o:rolleyes: then my mom got upset, then he got upset, and i ended up with heavy anxiety for several hours. brain out of sorts and all shaky... more cows, lots an' lots of cows... all over the house. we could start a dairy farm at this rate. ;)

i still don't know if i will be going to the clinic. if i get some kinda sleep tonight i will, otherwise, this zombie will stay home, and make veggies. if mom weren't here, it would be different, i would pump myself with caffeine - i'm no longer used to so it "works" very well, albeit uncomfortably. but as things stand, there is not too much sense in doing that. i am scared if they end up having to do general anesthesia too, though... it is unlikely, but...

~ waves ~ wishing someone would whack me with a two by four so i could sleep and go along tomorrow. mooooooooooooooooooo.

Dear Waves, :hug: :hug: :hug:
The procedure is in the a.m. your time, right?
I will be thinking about you and your family.

Are you pulled because you think you will be sleeping when he has the procedure and you wish you could go to the procedure?

Try to have some faith in the docs and in the system.
He has probably been told about what he is supposed to do and not do.
And maybe this time he will follow directions.

Sleep when you can -- whatever time that is.


M.

Dear Mari
 

Thank you for the hugs and the thoughts. You are a kind soul.

Yes it should be in the a.m. - they told us between 7.30am and 1.00pm my time. He could be there later than that too. lots of unknowns. Yes we have a sheet with all the "can happens" and do's and don'ts. i hope as you say he can be good about it this time, because although we can support him and remind him we can't enforce anything. plus, some "don'ts" are automatic reflex actions which are inevitably hard to "don't" you know? despite honorable efforts. :o we just have to hope for the best. thank you for thinking about us.

yes the idea of sleeping during the procedure bugs me. but even if i am awake, and at home, that doesn't seem right. but if i go, and haven't slept, i will be a mess when i come home and really my mom could use the help with dinner. and if i have not slept and i go it would worry them. but i feel like i should be there. also for my mom although she is a very independent sort. but also this might sound drastic but, what if they have to give him general and ... well he is elderly ... people don't always react well ... i mean, i know, it's not like me being in the waiting room will make a difference to the outcome. or maybe it could, i don't really know that, who knows. that bugs me too. so yes i am pulled sort of every which way. :o

i am so wired right now i don't know what to do. heck if i could just STAY this wired... but late morning, i seem to become a zombie. i tried 1/3 cup coffee today to test that route - became an uptight, clumsy, skittish zombie with shortness of breath. (or a zombie-about-to-have-a-cow mooooooan.)

dad has to do another one in a few weeks too. lots of people have this... it's pretty standard... i shouldn't worry but it isn't that easy.:Sigh:

~ waves ~

recent family additions...
 

Dear Waves,
 

I hope that I say this in a way that is meant to be helpful.

This is very different from when your mother had the flu and you were responsible for the household.

For the part of the day that he is at the clinic, he is in the hands of professionals. And your mother will be there as well.

You can stay home and sleep or not sleep.
Try not to worry about him and try not to worry about your role in this.

You will play a role in taking care of him when he gets home.
And you will probably pick up a little bit more of the slack for your mother with grocery / kitchen duties and such because she will be watching out for him.

Pace yourself. You might not need to do much worrying about this.
If, in a different universe the worry is needed, you can start at that time.

For now, try to ease your mind as much as possible.

M.

i am going
 

Dear Mari

hi there. don't worry. you are helpful - very. and you are also making a lot of good logical sense. i liked the different universe thing, too. and it is true.

but i guess i am past logical.

i was up all night. no waaaaaaaaaay i could sleep. and i am super-wired. i am all ready already. so i am going to go with. at some indiscernible point i got past the indecision torture and chose this. i think if i did otherwise anyway i would just recriminate and feel bad. and i am ok. i am not a zombie (so far). but i also think i am so hyped about this, that might not even happen. i made up a bottle of caffeinated coffee (room temp) as an "emergency gas tank" for me. and i am bringing extra supplies (food) for mom and me, in case it gets long.

so ... off i go now. i am bringing some paper to write with, and EARPLUGS in case it is noisy. i wasn't going to bring lorazepam since i shouldn't take it it will knock me out, but now rethinking that, i think i will just bring it as a safety blanket. or not. maybe i need to get over the whole idea of it actually. yeah. ok. off i go...

thank you so much for walking through this with me. it has really helped. i have not been able to talk to anyone about this really. my parents are ... well... having their own cows about it...

thanks again.

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,
 

I hope that your father does well.
And I hope that you and your mother do well too.


Also, I hope that all of you get out of there early so you can
come back home after a reasonable time.

Give us an update when you can.

Mari

We're back!
 

Dear Mari,

thank you again. just got back. it was so nice to find your post. everything went well... so far so good anyway. also the outcome paperwork confirmed they are using the latest and least invasive technique. so i feel a better about the second op now (identical - other side).

turned out well that i went, ultimately, because there were meds to be bought within three hours and the pharmacy logistics were such that mom had to stay in the city and go to a pharmacy there. so i had the honor of "escorting" dad home. if i had not been there he would have insisted on coming back alone rather than call and wait, leaving mom in a catch-22 between letting him do that, or coming back with him and not having the meds on time.

had to reel him in too - he wanted to stop at the mall for a tv cable! :eek: he is a maniac with that stuff! :rolleyes:

i just fixed him tea and a fancy sandwich so he is a happy camper now.

mom found out at the pharmacy that one of the antibio's they gave is of a class my dad is intolerant to, so she had to go back to the clinic to get a new script. :(:mad: big screwup on their part - his intolerance was documented during the pre-op interview last week!

she is on the way home now, too.

i need to go and put veggies on for dinner. i haven't slept or eaten so far but i'm ok.

~ waves ~ feeling much more serene

Thank you.
 

Dear Waves,

That's good that all three of you made it back home safe and sound.

I'll check in with you later after work.


M.