i feel miserable
 

i think this is primarily situational and my pdoc agrees.

there have been a lot of stressors this past month. just yesterday we had more upsetting news.

i feel like there is a rock in my stomach. i can't watch anything remotely touching - chokes me up. i feel irritable all the time. i feel suffocated in my home. i feel raw and don't want to go outside. light bothers me even when i am not photosensitive. LIFE bothers me.

i want to hide in a hole in the dark but i don't have a hole to hide in.

~ waves ~

:hug: Waves :hug:

I can relate to how you feel. You have had some stressors to bring this on. I hope you will feel better soon.

barbara

Sorry, Waves, :hug: :hug: :hug:

I wish you could move yourself to a new situation in time or place.

I can understand how feeling suffocated would make someone feel "off." I think when we have our own "space" we feel protected.
(Tdoc bugs me to find a place in my home that is all mine. Apparently, she imagines that I will use this space as a quiet space --- not for computer or tv or reading -- and certainly not cluttered.)

If you could stand to go outside with heavy sunglasses you could still benefit from Vit D. I noticed that after being vigilant abut taking between 2,000 and 4,000 IU daily for about 4 weeks along with a handful of things close to what you mention I did feel one degree better last fall when I felt awful. The vits and sups took me out of the not awful range.

Hugs.
M.

I am sorry you are feeling so badly. You and your family have been
thru a difficult time as of late. Dont be too hard on yourself.:hug::hug:

hi
 

thanks Barbara, Mari, and Soxmom.

Hey soxmom, long time no see :) good to see you. :hug: how are you?

i am trying to be patient with myself. pdoc said i had to do that also.

Mari, you are right of course about the vitamin D. i went out today to get milk. partly for the milk and partly for the sun. we had some UHT. but i figured even the itty bitty walk would be good. it's sunny out and not terribly hot yet. i am trying to sort out the shades situation. i like them as a people-shield too, but i can't seem to find a pair that i like, and are dark enough, and fit right. i use baseball caps too, with the rim tipped against the sun. today i used my hand. ;)

if i get a job the situation will be different, but there is no telling when that will happen. recent efforts have been in vain. ordinary factors against me, but also the job scene is a whole different ball game here. right now though, all that is moot, because i can't even get myself to send resumes.

heheh, the idea of a private quiet space ... withOUT clutter OR a computer??? :D hmm... that wouldn't last long with me.

thanks everyone for the hugs. :hug::hug::hug: backatcha. :)

~ waves ~

Waves

I am sending hugs, and thoughts.

My quiet space would still be cluttered because we are somewhat
hoarders. But I'm working on cleaning up the house. But because
I can't do heavey lifting its not easy.

My husband has to decide he is going to help. But I've been doing lots
of small things, but I have to keep working on throwing away things
we don't need. Then I have to put things together to sell in a garage
sale or some what just give away.

So I've got a plan I just have to keep doing it.

Ugh, My husband wont let me hire someone to help.

Donna

i am so sorry you are feeling so very rotten...can you up your medications to help alleviate your suffering.....eventually the stress will ease but why go through the hell. you need right now your privacy but i am so sorry it is unavailable...i don't know how understanding your parents are. i think it would be a lousy decision if you tried to turn day into night and night into day to get some privacy. Sometimes it takes so long for the pain to pass but it does....hang in there and know we all know what a special lovable and valuable person you are
love
bobby

I hear you loud and clearly!!!!!!!
((((((((((HUGS)))))))
I so wish things were different for you....
sigh
bizi

Thank you all!
 

(((( Donna, Bizi, Bobby ))))

Dear Donna,

i love garage sales. both for buying and for selling. that just "isn't done" here. no home-type sales to sell used items. people just throw things out. most things you can't even give to like salvation army type places. it is horrible. :rolleyes:

Dear Bizi,

it is reassuring that you understand. folks here don't understand. not even my folks really, who can to a better degree. the worst social time i have ever had was when 9/11 happened. i heard the most awful things come out of peoples mouths - i hear american culture and foreign policy criticized at the best of times, but at such a time, i was really apalled. :o:( it was not everyone, but enough to hurt. no recourse. couldn't tell them to shut up, couldn't exactly call them unpatriotic - this is not US territory. you know, public polls were in favor of the political solidarity shown to the US - but only marginally. :(:(:( and many in favor were still critical of how things got the way they did. i could not say a darn thing. well, i did say a few things to those i knew, but they just became more vicious. :( that really ate at me. i already felt sick for what happened, and folks kept saying things that made me feel sicker, and totally alien.

Dear Bobby,

you are so kind. right now i am having to work to be get-alongable-with. :eek::o:rolleyes: so, i do not feel too lovable, lol. thank you for that. :hug:

my mom suggested meds too. as i told her, not being upset in these circumstances would be pathological. pdoc later reassured me that was true and that meds are indeed inappropriate in this case. he added that just because someone has history of needing meds doesn't mean they need meds whenever they have feelings.

i appreciate you looking out for me in that sense though. mom too.

~ waves ~

Waves

I'm so glad that you can post about this stuff. And even can talk to
your mom. I am so proud of you.

Donna:hug:

Hun...

aw...

I too understand you and have been where you are several times and YOU have rescued me more than once...

So, please, like everybody has said, give yourself time to recover... be patient... it will happen... and, I would suggest a good sleep and resting time... It happens to me when I dont sleep... I literally HATE everything and everybody but, tomorrow comes you know... :hug:

If you want to cry, do it, like crazy, it will help... then, have a good sleep...

And, let me suggest you some vitamin B too :)

We are here for you. :hug:

thank you both, (((Donna and Blue)))

Donna,

i am afraid my mother really doesn't understand too well about my feeling out of place. :o she had rebuttals to most of my issues that showed she couldn't get it and finally suggested that maybe i needed meds. (pdoc strongly disagrees!) one night i was expressing frustrations about finding work and they both said i shouldn't be upset turns out they meant something different, but at the time, it didn't feel good to be told not to be upset! i believe in talking, but basically, when i open my fat mouth, i usually end up feeling worse, not better, because i get a pretty negative reception. :o

i used to talk to friends on the phone but i very very seldom do that any more as i have no privacy. i still IM with a few friends - better privacy, but i do miss hearing their their voices.

Blue

maybe crying would help. i don't know. lately i get close to it whenever i watch anything remotely touching on tv. yet i hardly ever do. i have cried alone too much. i don't know... it doesn't feel relieving any more - it just hurts? :confused:

you are right on about the vitamins. in fact, i usually take a supplement but i have been out for several months now: full B complex, Magnesium, Zinc, and vitamins C D and E. stuff that helps with stress, nerves and sleep! i am sleeping, but my nerves are pretty jangled! :o i have to pick that up again.

~ waves ~

((((((HUGS))))))
bizi:hug:

dear waves,
do you think keeping a journal would help you or know....it would symbolize your own private space....or is it too abstract and too much effort. last night i offered a girl friend that she could stay in my apartment for a while because she was going through a hard time and today i am terrified if she takes me up on it. loneliness is one thing but privacy is so important...
your mother sounds like the opposite of you. she sounds like a nice woman but feeling wise....so opposite...
love you
bobby

Hi Bizi and Bobby. :)

Thank you both.

Bobby,

i occasionally write. not so much journalling but that would do about as much as writing here, or corresponding with other friends (email, snailmail, IM) - which i do. i am missing physical control as well as physical privacy. a space that i can make dark or light as i wish. that i can keep messy or clean on my own requirements. where i can put a mat if i want, turn on the fan or open/shut windows when i want, sit buck nekkid if want, pick my nose if i want :D:rolleyes: see what i mean?

i hope that person doesn't take you up on the moving in. remember that your home is always in your control. should she ask, you can always say something in your situation has changed it is no longer possible for you to host her.

love

~ waves ~

Oh dear waves... you know what, I cry A LOT... everytime... I always new I was very sensitive, but since I was diagnosed with fibro and allllllllllllllllll my multiple other diseases, I definetely cry more often... :rolleyes: I have to say, it helps ! it does everytime... I mean, it's a way to.. "explode" you know... :o
And, if it "just" hurts, what about hugging a teddy ?? I dont want to sound stupid, but sometimes I feel my best and only friend is my teddy... :( Hugging it really hard with my eyes closed help a lot...

I need my vitamins urgently again too :rolleyes:

Love ya !!! :hug:

thanks Blue, you are a sweetheart. ;) :hug:

what i meant was that crying itself just hurts. :o i used to cry a lot too, and sometimes it would help a LOT. but lately that hasn't been the case.

i am sorry that you suffer with so many illnesses. :(

definitely get your vits as soon as you can! i think i have to wait until tuesday or thursday because i can't get to the store that has them until then.

~ waves ~

Aw waves :hug: I get you now ! :o

Then, I will suggest.... hum... chocolate !! it cant hurt ! :p

Oh ! yeah ! vitamins ! as soon as I get my monthly money will run to buy mine... Im a living proof of the effects of Vitamin D helping with pain ! :eek: wow...

Now I need to find something to help me with my floaters... :rolleyes: Poor eyes of mine...

hi Blue :hug:

haha chocolate. :D i am trying to lose weight so i can't like pig out or anything but my parents and i do have a single square of dark chocolate almost every night. ;) yes it is yummy isn't it. :p i love white chocolate too but that's even more fattening! :o:rolleyes:

i don't know of a treatment for floaters. if you find one let me know - i have them too! they are usually caused by small breaks in the vitreous humor of the eye and increase with age - i started getting them when i was a kid. not to scare you but, one thing to know: if a bunch of them suddenly appear that you did not have before, you should see someone right away because it sometimes indicates a serious condition like imminent retinal detachment.

~ waves ~

hhhhhmmmmmmm ! white chocolate !!! one of my multiple weak point... LOL

Ugh, yeah, they are so annoying (floaters)... Mine are due to my thyroid problems as far as I understand... :mad: But, I have the impression that they increase when Im under terrible stress :confused:

Hi Waves,

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time. It makes me even more grateful and amazed that you were able to reach out through your suffering and be such a gigantic practical and emotional support to me.

You really are stronger than you think.:hug:

Hockey
Its nice to see ya. Been wondering were you are.

Donna:hug:

I hope you ae sleeping and are migraine free!
bizi

Dear Waves,

What you describe almost sounds like someone who is there for a short visit for a few hours. --- it might not be appropriate for a guest to open the windows, change the lights, make a mess, turn on fans without asking, . . . move furniture (so to speak) , . . .
The space is not yours.
That is hard.

If you had your own apt and you rented a room to a roommate you would make accomodations and set up rules and boundaries that were agreeable to you and to the roommate.

You're a guest it seems.
This is difficult and I don't see an answer right now.
I do think that you can find your way out of the puzzle in some fashion at some point.
M.

Dear Blue
 

hmmm... you are hyperthyroid? you do know that thyroid problems (hypo or hyperactive) can cause disturbances with mood and with sleep?
hmm... your physical response to stress might cause more to appear - only they wouldn't disappear again after you feel better. if they disappear magically again, then perhaps what is happening is that when you are stressed you notice them more - so they seem more numerous? do you think that could be it?

~ waves ~

Dear Hockey
 

thanks for dropping in! :) :hug: it is really nice to see you!

i hope things are going much better for you these days. :hug:

~ waves ~

Dear Bizi
 

Hi :)

not sure if this was meant for me or Donna but yes i am sleeping. i get migraines once a month - usually in the span of about a week. the rest of the time i am normally ok. i just got done with this month so i am ok at the moment. :) my mood is a bit better too. migraines mess with my mood too - before and after the headache phase as well as during it.

:hug:

i hope that all three of your kitties are happy and healthy again now. that was a bit of a scare with Harriett. :o

~ waves ~

Dear Mari
 

yepppp! i do feel like a guest at times. i have more freedom than a guest but yes some of the limitations are like that.

right. my parents would too if they had a room i could have. but there isn't one. it is no picnic for them either, having me camp out in the living room. we all try to do the best we can... but the best we can can still be uncomfortable. i have always had my own room - even when i was a child. so it is quite hard for me. as an adult i lived alone in an apartment a lot. and was used to having multiple own-rooms. what a luxury that seems now.
thank you for the encouragement and... i sure hope so! :o i am going to try.

~ waves ~

A bit late!
 

Waves,
Sorry I haven't responded to your post, no excuse just sorry!

I hope things are going a little bit better for you! I know the housing situation has not changed but I was hoping your stress level had gone down! I feel for you when you say you have a hard time with watching certain things on tv, I have the same thing when I am stressed out and emotional! I feel like my emotions or nerves are all on the outside of my body! I cant explain it, maybe you know what I mean.

collinsc:hug:

Hi Collinsc! :hug: thanks for the note, and...

yes, you are describing just what i mean when i say that i "feel raw."

~ waves ~

Hey dear waves !!!
How are you today ?? Hope you are having a nice sunday (personally, I hate sundays but... oh well)

Im hypothyroid... :mad:

I dont know... silly floaters... I hate them as you cant imagine... :mad:

I send you my love. :hug:

something ugly happened at home
 

i don't feel comfortable going into detail on forum.

suffice it to say i didn't do anything to deserve it, or even to warrant it.

i am not in danger but it felt like it for a minute. and it was meant for me to feel like it.

when it happened last night, i went numb and derealized heavily for about 1/2 hour. afterwards i still felt - and still feel very awkward, slightly detached. and i am getting spells of derealization and depersonalization, sometimes with numbness or tingling. it doesn't feel like classical anxiety - no trouble breathing, chest pain, sense of worry, etc, but i have derealized before in panic/anxiety, so not knowing what else to do last night i took some lorazepam.

these days i use lorazepam only very seldom, and a little (1.25mg) goes a long way. last night i ended up taking 3.5mg total, since the initial dose did nothing. the derealization lifted but that could have been spontaneous - it comes and goes. now that much lorazepam would ordinarily make me sleepy, but it didn't. i had not been able to sleep the night before and i hoped i would feel better if i got a bunch of sleep. by then it was 4 am - so i ate a couple of ambien as well. it worked. slept > 8 hours.

i guess 2 was too much. :rolleyes: i felt disoriented and hazy - probably from the drug. but what is worse i still derealized a few times today, and went numb briefly. that doesn't seem drug related since it started after the event, and i don't use any benzos at all ordinarily - but i am not sure if they could somehow make things worse?

played phone tag with pdoc today. i hope that i can catch him tomorow - difficult because i have a dentist appt. :(

anyway now it is after midnight and i can't decide whether to take something or what to take. not sleeping will make things worse, but i don't know if sleep meds could also make things worse. the menu has other choices besides ambien and lorazepam: for sleep i also have a 'real' benzo - fairly short acting, but a bit longer than ambien. i also have a very long acting anxiolytic.

i just dunno.

i just want things to be ok again. i can't believe this. i've told a couple of friends who agree it was excessive, to say the least. but my folks are acting like nobody did anything wrong. meanwhile i get to have all these lovely spells.

~ waves ~

your parents really are in denial and it is two against one....that makes it really tough...gradually the shock will wear off but it will never be forgotten.
I am so sorry
love
bobby

thank you dear Bobby. :hug: i so appreciate your help today too. :heartthrob:

i just took 2 ambien - no lorazepam tonight.

heck, i was almost to the point of playing eenie meenie minie mo here with the meds!

but i have about 2ce as much ambien as lorazepam, so if that will work, better to save the lorazepam. when i have real insomnia, very often it is due to anxiety, in which case lorazepam is the better choice. and lorazepam i use for daytime anxiety too. i don't use the ambien much at all. i figure this is as good a time as any. i took 2 because even the first few times i had it, 1 was not real effective for me.

now i just hope i can sleep. maybe i can continue working on my resume until i get groggy. (no, i don't find that 'activating' at all! :rolleyes::p:o;))

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

I'm sorry for what is happening.

Your ambien choice is good.

M.

thank you Mari. glad you approve f the ambien.

i am done now. i just tinkered iwth my avatar so it wouldn't look like it had oil on it yuck... :rolleyes: i am a ' goner now it is takin g me ages to gind th eirhgt keys on hre

nire nireeee i hpe otmororw is better.

(((((HUGS))))))

waves

avhhh its ugly now. but i nm not iwht it i will fix it tomorrow. thats too bad. sigh. ok, i knoq. i will put original there temporarily. at least it has turquois on top not blakc. ther ehtat sbetter. nite nite

OMG waves I just caught up with this thread.
I am so sorry that this has happened to you.....
You don't deserve to be treated this way.
I am so sorry.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

Waves,
I am so sorry hear that you were treated badly and that it upset you the way it has! I know you didn't want to discuss it through the forum, but if you need someone I will be there for you!


collinsc:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::h ug::hug::hug::hug::hug:

(((BlueMajo)))

sorry i didn't not exactly reply before. my sunday was actually pretty rotten because this thing happened saturday night and then i couldn't sleep at all at night - finally fell asleep with a lot of meds as described before, woke up hazy feeling and later napped with awful dreams - of getting overtly upset and telling them off about what happened, perhaps because i cannot do that in real life - then waking up to a state of psychic entrapment. not a good sunday.

(((Bizi))) (((Collinsc)))

thank you both for your support. i am still feeling rotten / weird today. to add to the fun, i am having a migraine with a lot of nausea.

i did speak to my pdoc about the numbness / derealization / depersonalization spells. he said the thing seems to have hit me hard but that nothing is 'wrong' with me, it is a natural reaction tied to upsetting events and will subside. he said better if i can avoid benzo's but ok to take them if i cannot sleep. he also said act however i feel like acting with my folks - that i didn't have to pretend everything was 'ok' just because they are. i have a session on thursday too thankfully.

much as i hate the idea of having a tooth extracted, and with a migraine to boot, i am almost glad to have an excuse to get out of here and see a human being who isn't one of my parents. better yet, this particular human speaks english (dentist is british).

yah. life has really gotta be good when a one is glad to go to have a tooth yanked with a migraine ongoing. :rolleyes::eek:
:confused:

~ waves ~

Dear Waves,

The past few days have not been good days for you. YUCK!
Yes, go get the tooth pulled, tend to your headache, and focus on the physical. :hug: :hug: :hug:

Mari