rage and irritability
 

i seem to be entering a new cycle....i am getting my rage back and irritability...i am holding the rage in....a lot of things are beginning to tick me off...if I express it though it won't make me a happy camper
bobby

for instance on saturday at six pm a social worker from adult protective services came unannounced...i was scared or paranoid...he wasn't the usual social worker and it was saturday...i had the worse fears....
then yesterday my cleaning person or people gipped me...she spent a little over two hours and it cost almost forty dollars an hour....I spoke up but then I realized it was going to escalate so I shut up. Then I talked to Ron and he uses them and rather than being sympathic, he said fire them....and then he made a crack or two about how messy I am and Irma's comment about my refrigerator and then he also said at first they work fast. Here I have been helping him out big time....Then I woke up this morning and my eye hurts and it is tearing...as if something is in itl.....
Ron didn't buy more gauze yet....that gets me mad...
Bobby

Sounds like you have a reason
 

Sounds like you have reasons for your irritablity and anger.

I do as well. Having a fight with the electric company. I paid the bill this month, have my bankstatement to prove it. Faxed it to them, but they are still threatening to shut us off.

Just got the new bill in the mail. I want to scream but to who so it would do any good.

Dear Morgy,
I hope that your eye is alright now.
The protective services person coming unannouced would freak me out.

Ron's acting weird.

Sending you wishes to feel good soon.
Mari

Madd Tatter
 

I got my first and last migraine over a telephone bill...when I signed up for a new program. Utilities can be the worse. Did you speak with a top supervisor..
I had to go up and up the line before I was successful. They even gave me two hundred dollar credit...in the end which I didn't ask for. The best of luck.
Bobby

I hope you are feeling better today. Migraines are the worst.

Hang in there, thinking of you.......Hugs, Nikko:hug:

I really thought the person from the adult protective services was a serial rapist or was going to slash my throat...talk about escalating paranoia. I had just boiled water on the stove and was thinking how I was going to get in the kitchen to throw it at him. I really went paranoid.
I no longer have the responsibility of taking care of Mickey for four days. That was a relief even though I love that dog. He reminds me in personality of my Morgy. Robert gave me good advice about the cleaning people and a better perspective on Ron. He said Ron is probably angry at the world now because he is so incapacitated and robert told me to basically swallow my anger because ron needs me so much. He thought it was good I didn't go downstairs yesterday. Ron didn't have the gauze yesterday to change his bedsore. If he needs me once he gets a physical therapist to practice walking, I decided I will take a book downstairs and be there in case he falls but will at the same time try to relax.
Robert told me to tell the cleaning people what I need done and do it nicely and see if they can do it...he agreed no confrontation.
My eye did clear up. That was a nightmare because I blow things out of proportion. I also ate like a pig yesterday and had two pints of ice cream rocky road. I was so uncomfortable.
I also heard from Kent. He is so accomodating..He wants to see me again so I said next Wednesday since I was in such a grubby mood..He usually brings me flowers and wine and then we take out....and talk for over a couple of hours.
I am still slightly paranoid and less irritable but scared of confrontation. I am so afraid I will really lash out and be sorry afterwards.
Bobby

Nikko
 

Mine wasn't a painful migraine. It was weird. It was like a light show...My cousin told me it was a migraine. It was very frightening because I thought at first I had blown some fuse in my brain. This was before I was on medication and my rage would escalate.
Bobby

what was really scary this time was the paranoia and the fact that my medication didn't prevent me from feeling all the irritability and rage. I really was afraid of seeing
Ron yesterday for fear of telling him off big time. Robert really calmed me down..He is so bright and has such a soothing manner about him. Also Georgy called me yesterday from Ron's..He is the cleaner and sometimes brings his mother who really triggered me. I was asleep at six thirty in the evening after eating the two ice creams and almonds. Ron said he had half a sandwich to bring me so I guess he knew how upset I was. Georgy doesn't trigger me...He lets me be. His mother keeps mentioning a paint job for my apartment which would be free but right now I couldn't stand the stress of preparing for it. I also don't think I could stand the stress of having sparkling clean walls.
Bobby

I suffer a lot from paranoia but much worse when I was younger. I will mention it to my doctor when I see him on Monday. I am filled with so many fears and have been all my life and exaggerate situations. I had a pretty scary childhood as a caretaker for a drunken and ragealholic father and mother who led me into taking over her responsibilities. There was no stability and the formation of trust.
Today Ron said he didn't know what he would do without me. I didn't say anything.
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
Is there a healthy safe way to express the rage??
Maybe the pdoc can help you with that.

Mari

that is a very good question and one I never asked dr moussavian. I hope i remember to ask him on monday. I am feeling a lot better today. I got a good night's sleep for me. I also wrote an apology to somebody I owed one to. I know I am a lot more psychologically healthy with my new emotional connections about being an imperfect perfectionist...I also know more firmly that I cannot take stress.
Bobby

I skipped my doctor's appointment yesterday..i was feeling sick and it was way too cold...I probably missed one or two other appointments in the past five and half years. I have to wait until a week from Friday. The rage flared up again last night but quickly dampened when I explained a situation to a dear friend and she thought I was wrong in my reaction...I called back my friend and rectified the situation and he said no big deal.
I just want to stay in the apartment and not deal with the outside world.
My close friend called from Israel and I didn't feel like talking....she is so understanding....An acquaintance told me to watch myself with my friends.
For instance, another friend invites me out to lunch sometimes on the weekend and often I say no. The acquaintance said watch out or she will stop asking. I said that won't happen. Most of my friends are decades old friendship and even if they don't understand me they know about my moods and how they don't reflect on my feelings towards them. I guess I am also taking them off the hook lol when I am in one of my moods.
Bobby
the imperfect perfectionist

((((((((((((((((((((((((morgy))))))))))))))))))))) )))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hope you are doing better today.

Nikko:hug:

I have been going up and down like a yo yo. My house cleaner said he might stop working for me. He said it is too hard. This time it didn't throw me for a loop. I think I was too tired. I just can't deal with problems. Except for going to ron's apartment three floors down I haven't left my apartment. I desperately need to go to the bank. If I don't go today I will force myself to go outside tomorrow.
Last night my friend Kent came over. He is amazingly supportive. He told me I looked nice and I hadn't even brushed my hair. Since I gained all this weight I never feel I look even halfway decent. I tend to refuse to look in the mirror.
Then he emailed me and wrote that I was balanced. I questioned him on that.
He said for all the traumas I have been through, I have come out amazingly well. When I said I don't like to leave my apartment, he casually said we all make choices that suit us at the time. I have known Kent for almost thirty seven years and he has seen me when I have looked well. Last night we talked about the book of Job and had the exact same interpretation, politics and other spiritual things. Abby was sitting in his lap most of the time and Yuki was by his side. It was very nice and he brought wine. After an hour and half I got very tired. I also had napped for a few hours in the afternoon.
My life is so strange.
Bobby
the imperfect perfectionist

Bobby -- you certainly didn't have a 'normal' childhood, by any means, and, given the brief explanation you gave, it's no wonder you get paranoid! You are at least rational in the longrun, whiich is a good thing, too!

It is sometimes healthy to let the anger out, esp if done in a 'harmless' way, but rage, that could be a bit scary. If you feel like staying in, do so - you know yourself better than anybody. You pdoc appt will come soon enough...

Please take care of yourself!

Jacquie