I was a tough kid, now I cry and sleep all day
 

So, my mom committed suicide, and my past husbands have called me "psycho"... my kids say I run in "slow motion" and I have always been good at hiding it.. but I am depressed. I am the second.. but only girl of a bi-polar mom, alcoholic dad. Always "responsible"... took care of the boys. Made sure dinner was on the table, held it together for mom when she couldn't. Reminded the brothers to call her on her birthday, mothers day, and significan't anniversaries, like Grandma's death anniversary, blah blah blah. If not, mom would drink a bottle of wine and call me to complain about how mizerable her life was.

Now my kids are grown. Mom shot herself 7 years ago, just 3 weeks before my teenage daughter had a baby. Then my husband (second husband) kicked out my daughter and the baby because she was "mouthy" to him after he called her a fat as* ungrateful little B*tC@. I never EVER said curse words to my children... So now I had lost my mom, my two daughters, and my granddaughter. I was devastated. Went into a depression, and my husband found himself a new girlfriend.

We divorced. My older daughter became a meth addict. (not the one with the baby, the other one). The one with the baby went back to live with her father and his 22 year old wife. (My daughter was then 16)!!!

I rented a cottage from my brother and tried to keep a job. I have a Masters Degree in Business Management. I couldn't even keep his plumbing business going. I tried to work for three other companies before I finally got so sick with Peripheral Neuropathy that I blamed it on that.

Now, it's seven years after my mom's suicide... six years after my divorce, I've been through five jobs, and I'm still depressed. I still cry at least three times a week and I still have Peripheral Neuropathy. I stay in bed as much as possible. I have tried church, I have tried having boyfriends, I have tried faking my way out of it, nothing works.

I am a people pleaser... so when I go to a doctor... I don't want to complain! I tell them I can fix this! I can exercise my way out of it! I can eat healthy and walk every day... but I don't. I am about to lose my job AGAIN.

Before my mom died... I held jobs for 12 years, another for 8 years... I was "Employee of the year" I got promotions mid year, I always received "Exceeds Requirements" reviews... What the hell has happened to me? I am not a cry baby, I am not a whiner... I have always been the one to keep it together and pull everyone else along. Now, I can't even get myself out of bed 5 days in a row to go to work! I am disgusted with myself. How do I handle this? What do I say to the doctor? I have an appointment on Wednesday and I am so overwhelmed. :eek:

I won't committ suicide because my mom did that to me... I would NEVER do that to my kids...:mad: but, I would LOVE to spend the rest of my life in bed, sleeping! Then.... about once a month, I'll get out of bed and want to spend the whole weekend gardening... or cleaning. I hate my job... I don't want to be around people, but I could stay home and do all the work at the house that needs to be done.

Any advice? What do I tell the doctor? :o

I've been hanging on the Peripheral Neuropathy site for a long time... I live in pain every day... but I have never admitted my depression until now. :(

I remember you from years ago SeamsLike and I'm sorry that nothing has improved for you. :hug: Like you, I could never put my family through another suicide but unlike you, I don't live with PN. I'm wondering if you didn't grief "properly" over your Mothers suicide. You had so much else going on in your life at that time....did you go to a support group? Talk to people about it (besides your jerk of a husband)?

I used to be a people pleaser too but got over it. You MUST tell your dr. the truth about your depression so he/she can help you. It doesn't mean you're weak but people cannot help you if they don't know how you feel.
Depression is a beast...a deadly one.

If you can't say the words, write them out and hand it over to the professionals. Now I have a dr. that really listens to what I am telling her and she works with me until we find a solution to whatever medical problem I am having ...ie, not sleeping.

I'm glad you came back here to talk to us....please, keep talking. :grouphug:

Hi! Depression is a highly treatable condition. Ask and insist on help from your doctor. The time is now for you. Doctors can only treat what they know about and as patients it is our job to give them the information that they need to help us. I have RSD and depression, and how you are living your life right now sounds like all the classic symptoms of depression. When you combine that with living everyday in unrelenting pain, both physical and emotional, it can get beyond the point where you can handle it on your own. There is no shame in asking for help, so be strong and do what you need to do so you can have a better life. You deserve it!! You have earned it!! When you learn to love you and accept you, then you can fix other problems. My prayers are with you, you have touched my heart. Lisa

Hey SeemsLike,

Wow! You are courageous to write here.
I am so glad you did write. Nice job!
PN stinks. I am on that forum, too.
It's painful stuff.
Yet, the other events in your life are much more painful, I'd imagine.
When combined, it must feel like the pain never ends.:hug:

I am glad you have resolved to not commit suicide.
I am deeply sorry for the losses you have endured.
Yet, you have endured. :winky:

I do understand some of your pain.
I had a parent resort to suicide.
That was incredibly painful. I am this was deeply painful to you, too.
I had resoved to never do the same, just as you have.
Many of us have this resolution in common here. :grouphug:

I am so glad you are joining me/us in keeping the resolution to choose life.
Depression ends at some point. Life will feel better. It may not seem like it just now, yet it will get more rewarding, more enjoyable. :hug:

Just tell the doctor what you have said here.
You've done a great job here.

You could print your post and give it to the doctor to start the conversation....or use it to guide yourself in your talk?

Please let us know how you are doing?
I'll be praying for you! :hug:

With Lots of Hope for You and Your Future!
~DejaVu

Hello SeamsLike

My dear lady you sound like you are really go through a bad time, and i sincerely send you positive thoughts.

Depression is a Cancer in all but name....if allowed to it spreads from the mind to the body....and comes out in all sorts of physical ways. It is dibilitating and very cruel in the way it isolates its victim.....Depression destroys self confidence and encourages introspective thinking. It kids us into believing that if we stay quiet about it it will go away on its own. In this is the answer? it does not always go away.....it can worsen into clinical depression that then requires medical intervention.

Whether it be through medication or talk therapy, severe depression will last a lot longer if untreated or undiagnosed.

How do i know this?......because i suffer with this evil illness. I too have BP... And only this last week have gone back on medication after a year away from it.
Why? because all the signs were there that told me to go and TALK TO MY DOCTOR.

Over the years i have learned one thing about depression....and that is I KNOW when i need to ask for help......it may take me longer to ask than my family may think....but i know when its right for me.

you have suffered a great deal of emotional trauma these past seven years, my friend.

Its time to talk it through with someone [ but you probably already know that yourself....and like me..you will ultimately know when to start talking to those you know can help you]

Please always remember that we live the life we live.........your mothers death was part of her life........your ex-husbands life will undoubtably be part of his future. [you reap what you sow].....and your daughter's addiction is part of her ilfe, and sadly only SHE can alter that life choice ...NO-ONE ELSE [not even you as her mother]

Good luck with your visit to the doctor...... [rember this is not a dress-rehersal we get one crack at this life.... if you can get help to fix the cracks ...then get it...this life is one hell of a bumpy ride and more cracks will inevitably appear along the way]

my thoughts are with you on this torid journey you are taking.

David:hug:

It is YOUR turn to benefit from your deep compassion
 

Good Morning, SeamsLike :)

I have been thinking of you, as I'd retired last night after reading your note.
I'd awakend this AM, thinking about what is important in life (again).
I'd grabbed a coffee and came to see how you are doing.

I was glad to see David's note this AM!:)
David has done a great job, again!
He has mentioned an area that was coming to mind for me, too, after reading your post last night. This is the fact that it is now time for YOU!

It sounds like you have been the "rock" for others for a lifetime.
You have had an open, giving, compassionate heart.
When we have given many years, even a lifetime, of supporting others, we silently hope some of that support will be returned to us by some of those we have supported in the past... should we ever need the support.

When you have given so much and people have been happy to take so much (or to need so much), sometimes we get depleted. Once we , ourselves, need support, love, encouragement... where are those people we have always supported? If we can tell them our situation and our need for support, some may be able to reach out to help. Do any of your loved ones know you need support?

Sometimes, no matter what we relate, and how clearly, some others cannot make the shift from being "needy," in order to lend mutual support. :( This can feel deeply disheartening, and may even feel like a deep betrayal. (Often, this may feel like yet another betrayal.)
If any of this is a part of what may be going on for you, please remember this: When others fail to respond, it is not a reflection upon us and is not an indicator of our worth. It is simply an indicator of their very own limitations.

Sometimes we have to move forward and give up the hope they might be there for us. Sometimes that hope, without clear evidence they have the capacity to show mutual love and support, may keep us stuck in a pattern of rarely getting our own needs met.

Often, the bigger question becomes: Can we be there for ourselves, even if it feels like "they" are not? Can we value ourselves and our own life, regardless of their response? Can we find meaning in our lives, if it is not anchored in others?

It's great to have support during trying times. Sometimes we can find support, sometimes we cannot. Shout out anyway! Many will hear and will reach out according to their ability.

If you are so inclined, reach out spiritually, as well. This is often key for many people. These challneges also present an opportunity for growth in the spiritual parts of our lives, as well!

This is a tall order to fill sometimes. It's definitely a bigger challenge when we are dealing with a chronic and a painful physical condition that also challenges us.
At these times, we often reach what's often referred to as "the dark night of the soul." How to triumph over this, as it often feels like an insurmountable challenge? Although this "dark night of the soul" is usually a very painful place to be, it implies we have a bright, sunny daybreak ahead! :winky:

(I can tell you that every "dark night" I have ever faced...even the very, very darkest and longest...were followed with new strength, new insights, new perspective and an overall brighter outlook. This has been the case, even when I'd thought I'd never make it through the darkness.)

Our brain chemistry (and possibly some thought patterns) are supporting our resignation during this challenge. There's no timeline on the resolution of all of the relationships you have been grieving. You write about events with high potential for major and multiple grief reactions. If we reach deep within ourselves, as you have, we may find other thoughts and passions that cause us to rethink the part about resigning. Hold onto those thoughts, those beliefs, those passions!:)

Our feelings are simply feelings. They can shape our sense of reality. At the same time, we know that if we can alter our feelings, our viewpoint ... and our reality somehow changes. :winky:

Thus.... we can hold on, while finding a successful method to changing our feelings, which may alter our perceptions and our sense of reality... for the better.
It is a simple shift we need to somehow "effect."
Often, a slight shift is enough to give us a sense that we are standing on more solid ground. More shifts will follow...and we eventually climb all of the way out of the abyss. :)

By opening up here, we hear your shouts from the abyss. We are shining our lights upon you and your situation, in order to see as clearly as we can into your needs...and to let you know we hear you and we do care. We are throwing ropes to you, communicating with you, hoping you can hear us and also hoping you will feel supported in finding your way out of this isolative sense of darkness. You are using your tools to work your way out of this, too!

It is true, there are limits to what we can do in response to your situation. Many of us wish we could do more than we truly can. Yet, we are responding and we do care. We are encouraging you to continue pursuing whatever YOU need, whatever truly helps YOU, whatever will ultimately give you a renewed sense of life, complete with some real joy again! This will take time; yet, it can be done. You are worth whatever it takes. :hug:

If it resonates with you to do so, please also consider reading and/or asking for support in the spiritual forum. (I do not want to force my own spiritual inclinations upon you if they do not resonate with you. This is aboout YOU...and what feels helpful to YOU!):winky:

We are here for you and... It is YOUR turn in life.... YOUR turn to have your needs met... YOUR turn to be the priority... YOUR turn to once again find joy in your life! :D

I hope we may help in some small way. :hug:

Many understand and lend support to you! :grouphug:

Keep your heart open to the possibilities! :Heart:

May you feel unconditional love surrounding you, uplifting you and encouraging you.:circlelove:

You are in my thoughts and in my prayers.:hug:
~DejaVu

DejaVu..
 

your post was such a perfect example of support that I had to put it "upstairs" so I'll know where to find it when it's needed again. ty...:hug:

Hi Alffe!:)

I am surprised; yet, happy this feels "supportive."
I hope it feels supportive to SeamsLike.:hug:

Alffe, you do a wonderful job here! :hug:
Everyone does a wonderful job here! :grouphug:

Please feel free to use the post in any way that helps.
I don't claim ownership, the post simply flowed through me after praying for SeamsLike and asking God to tell me what to write to her this morning.

With Lots of Love to All! :grouphug:
~DejaVu

Thinking of YOU, SeamsLike
 

Dear SeamsLike,
Still thinking of you and lending support.:hug:
With Concern and Understanding,
~DejaVu

Hi Deja and everyone... thanks for your support
 

I have my Dr. appt tomorrow... he cancelled on me and I re-scheduled with a different doctor.

Deja, your post was incredible! Actually, I have become much more spiritual in the last six months. I was baptized on Easter. I have started reading the Bible, learning more about Christianity and have converted from Catholic to Christian which was an incredibly hard decision to make, even though I haven't been a "practicing" catholic since I was about 10 years old! It just felt like I was betraying my family. However, now that I have joined the small Christian church in our neighborhood, I am actually "reading" the bible. I am actually "learning" about God and Jesus. Hmmmm... what a reality check I'm going through!

I am also learning to accept that it's O.K. to have a chemical imbalance that is inherited from my mom's side of the family. My mom's sister, mother, and aunts, were all hospitalized for depression. They were all medicated, some received electric shock therapy, and one even underwent a lobotomy to "help" her. I guess I have been so traumatized by all the horror stories of the women in my family and them becoming "dummies" because of their medication and treatments that I refused to believe I had inherited that DNA.

I moved away at 19, I stayed away from my mom and pretended I didn't belong to that "crazy" side of the family. However, after 3 failed marriages and many years of doubting my own ability to be "normal"... I have to admit that I battle depression.

Now that it has created such pain (physically and emotionally) in me, I am giving up and admitting that I need help. I was always the one who was the "strong" one... my mom told me for years over the phone, "You are the scrapper... you are the tough one, you never let things get you down... keep fighting for what you need... don't be a cry baby." She had me convinced that I was the strongest one in the family. I would never get caught up in the "Depression" net.

I've been so tough... so angry, so strong, and never let them see me cry. That now, it's eating me up inside, literally.

Thank you all for giving me a place to vent. A place to come and whine. It goes against everything I have ever been taught... to whine. To complain, to let my negative feelings come out. To ask for help puts you in a position of vulnerability. If you ask for help, then you owe someone. If you ask for help, they then have control over you. Not having my independence or ability to come and go as I please is the biggest fear I have. Having to ask someone for money, or to take me somewhere, is giving them power over me. Giving someone power over me is a very scary place to be. I don't trust anyone enough to give them power over me.

Wow, that is a HUGE revelation! I just discovered why I am scared to admit I am depressed. I don't want to be medicated and not have my full faculties about me, because I don't want to give anyone control over me, because I don't trust anyone enough to take care of me.

There is ABSOLUTELY NO ONE in my life I would trust to take care of me if I were incapacitated! My daughters are too wrapped up in their own lives to really care about me. I have no man in my life. I have no sisters, my brothers are married and live out of state. My parents are both dead.

Hmmmm.... :eek: Now, we know why I refuse to admit I am depressed or sick! No medication to slow me down or let someone else take care of me. I've always taken care of others. My mom, my brothers, my daughters, my granddaughter, my ex-husbands. NO ONE has ever taken care of me. Not even after surgery or having my wisdom teeth out... never. Not after having my children... Never.... I've always been independent! I've had broken shoulders, not been able to walk due to my Neuropathy, had bladder surgery with a 6 month old and a 2 year old, NEVER had help! Mom was too self absorbed, and brothers were gone. Wow, this is a reality check!

Over the last few months, I have had days where I just don't get out of bed. I just send an email from my Blackberry to work, I'm not feeling well, and I sleep, all day, get up and eat some dinner, then sleep all night. until the next day again.

I just want to quit. I just want to stop. I just want to take my toys and go home! I'm just so tired! I don't want to play the game any more. I want to lie in bed, watch T.V., read the Bible, drink iced tea, snuggle with my granddaughter, knit a hat, and take a nap.

Thank you all for caring. Thank you all for listening! Thank you all for hugging me!

Big hugs, SeamsLike.
God bless and keep you.

Life changes are on the horizon!
 

Hi Terri! :hug:

This is an understatement, as I am a little pressed for time at the moment; yet, I'd wanted to thank you for your note to all of us.:)
I also want to let you know that I continue to lift you up in prayer during this trying time. I am sure others are also lifting you up, supporting you in many ways.

Every crisis in our lives is an opportunity for growth!
Sometimes, we can say "no" and keep on our current path.
Other times,it is clear our current path no longer serves us and we have to go through the changes in order to survive. This is a huge wake-up call to us!:eek:

May times, we feel "dead" or "almost dead" inside because we have outgrown old roles. Those old roles were stifling, choking the life right out of us! They no longer bring life into our veins, they no longer stoke the embers of our hearts, they no longer nourish our souls.

As we move forward and shed "old skin," we shed other old parts of ourselves and former roles-- we also may feel we are dying (or may feel like dying). Often, during these times, we are simply dying to our old selves. This can create anxiety, as we are not sure what our revamped life will look like yet. However, you can trust it wil be much better than where you have been recently. :winky:

There will be work ahead, yet it is worthy work and rewarding work, as you are going to find YOU-- ALL of YOU! And you will learn to cherish YOU! Your roles in life are going to become more rewarding, more fuilfilling and will even bring you true joy! :D
There are many gifts for you ahead on your path! :D
I hope you enjoy and cherish each and every one of them!

It may be a rocky path at times, yet. Take heart and have faith that your life is going to be better than ever! As you work through things, you are going to feel lighter, brighter, and more free than ever! :D

Out with the old and in with the new! :hug:

We continue to surround you with love and support during this difficult time.

Hopeful Healing Hugs to you, Terri! :grouphug:
~DejaVu

SeamsLike :hug:

quote 'To ask for help puts you in a position of vulnerability'. end quote:

to ask for help is also a sign of great inner strength. I often say to others with depression...if you had a broken leg...would you seek treatment or let it heal its self?....Vulnerability comes from human embarressment, and an ounce of pride...

delayed response from those we love and have cared for in the past is often the case.....a lack of empathy is often the reason...[its not that they dont care...its that they dont often see other peoples pain...]

I hope you get comfort from your new found religion....i followed a similar path myself..although i dont attend a church and do not talk openly about my belief....i believe in a greater force...wether that be nature or life itself i'm not sure.
though i often take great comfort from the FOOT-PRINTS IN THE SAND story.

And at my lowest ebb i often see only one set of footprints ....sometimes i accept that a greater being carried me through those dark times....and other times i accept i carried myself through...and the single footprints are those of my own.


Medication in depression is very helpful and not all of it slows you down. The only reason i stopped taking mine a year ago was because...odd as it may sound i missed crying. [ODD VERY ODD ...but for twenty years crying was my way of venting my pain....then for three years i shed very few tears and felt a little desensitised...,,,,but a year off medication the tears are back and getting out of control...hence my reintoduction to the medication........]

What i'm trying to say is there are many anti-depressant meds out there and if one does not work for you ask for a change to accomadte a life you live with.....

There is light at the end of this tunnel..................you just have to squint at times to see it.

David


DeJavu..................you are an INSPIRATION:hug:

Hi David,

Truly, your writing inspires my writing. :hug:
I am very glad I am here with all of you!

~DejaVu

Update from my Dr. appt...
 

So... I got there and first I got bumped from my original appointment to a later one. Which turned out to be o.k. because I had to fill out like 8 pages of forms... mostly questionnaires. One of them gives me a "Depression" score that was very high. The doctor even asked me, "Are you sure you don't have thoughts of suicide or ending your life?" I said... no, as the daughter of someone who committed suicide.. I just can't do that to my family members.:D

He got the whole family history of Mom, Gramma, Aunt, basically all the women on my mom's side have been seriously depressed and hospitalized for it. He talkes to me about what it is "I" want out of this! Come on... you're the doctor here! If I knew what I wanted I wouldn't be coming to you! I've never been to a Psychologist before, I don't know what I'm supposed to get out of this. I just want to get better! :confused:

So, I tell him the issues I am having at work, the issues I'm having at home, sleeping, all that stuff. He gives me the song and dance: "Excercise more, get out of the house more, lose weight, and come back to see me in a month. Oh, and I want to prescribe medication for you but I'm not that kind of doctor, I'd like you to see "that" doctor and get meds, but oh, they aren't available to see until July 15th. In the mean time... come back to see me on July 1st"! :Bang-Head:

He wrote a note for me to telecommute one day a week, so I don't have to do my normal 2 hours each way commute 5 days a week, now it's only 4 days a week.
Then I went to my "Sleep Study/CPAP appointment" in the afternoon and received my CPAP machine. Even though I have no definitive evidence of obstructive sleep apnea, but possible upper airway resistance syndrome.
Which means I snore, but I don't have sleep Apnea. :Yawn: So, I got the machine, took it home... and tried it out. Not bad. Quite a challenge getting used to breathing through my nose at night. It was o.k. I'll see how I feel after a week or so.

NOW... I come in today, the boss has sent me an email about "Can you ask your doctor to send me a letter regarding any considerations we should be making (if any) as your employer regarding health conditions"... and "Please get your work done during regular office hours. We will not be able to compensate you for overtime for hours worked outside of the normal workday".

Oh, have I mentioned they have doubled my work load in the last two months? They laid one person off and gave me all her work. Hmmmmm.... a little extra stress? I'm a LOT overwhelmed! :(

I've always been one of those "Exceeds Requirements" people.. but for the last year, I've been a "needs to improve" because of my lack of desire to get out of bed.

aaaaaaaagggggggghhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Terri
 

You've got a lot on your plate but I detect a wonderful sense of humor behind your words. It will stand you in good stead.

Oh Terri, it's a beginning and maybe he'll be able to help you. Sounds like you were honest with him.
Not at all fair what they did to you at work...can you document a complaint at HR or would that be a bad idea? (((Terri)))

How do you "know" this? What makes you sure?
 

Thank you for the Prayers! I so believe in Prayers! I've cut pieces of your message and left the pieces I wanted to comment on.

I understand that going through changes is a really difficult thing. I've been going through them for over Seven years now. I'm so tired of it. Honestly, I don't understand how you can "assure" me things will get better.

I understand I've outgrown my role as a "mother" and am now acting as a grandmother. I am also no longer a daughter, as I have no parents. I am also no longer a wife. Of course, I have only "really" been a wife for approximately 3 of my adult years, so that doesn't count. It's the "mother" part that hurts so much.

I understand I will find the true "me"... however, I don't understand how anything can be more rewarding or fulfilling than being a mother. Also, that my life will be "better than ever".. it's never been that great... honestly! I have always been a cheery person with a happy smile and a loving trusting nature... and people have always wondered how I keep it up with all the crap I have in my life. Finally, it's caught up to me. The parents that were idiots, the husbands that were jerks, raising kids alone, going to school and working, it's just drained all the 'nice' out of me.

REALITY CHECK: I live paycheck to paycheck... I can't save to move. I drive a 10 year old car and live in a 3 bedroom 1 bath house with my daughter, granddaughter and ex-husband. My other meth addicted daughter drops in from time to time to steal cigarettes from her dad and ask for money or food. I commute 2 hours each way to work. And I'm one more sick day away from losing my job. I have a degenerative neurological disease that causes me pain daily and makes it difficult to stand for more than 5 minutes at a time, I'm severely depressed, and I have no family members other than my children and ex-husband closer than 1000 miles away.

But, keep your chin up... things will get better, and hang in there! Hmmmmmm My glass is half empty today!

This is really the first time in my life I have said that. I'm just not feeling the "happy" any more!

Dear SeamsLike

Believe it or not your story is similar to very many people on this board.....and when people say 'things will get better'....and 'much better than they are now'...it can be hard to comprehend............

Life experience shows that when you’re at the bottom...there truly is only one way to go UP. [Theoretically that a better place to be than on the bottom...even if it’s an inch higher]

Over the last three months or so....my working role and home life have been conflicting with each other...

I work in a homeless hostel with young men who have offending backgrounds, drink and drug issues and or mental health problems... Whilst I’m at work I try to show them a path to follow that will create change in their life.
Then I go home to watch my eighteen year old son act just like those I left behind at work....[ though thank god he has not yet got involved with crime....he just wants to fight the world...including me]

My depressive ways make me irritable and frustrated that I cannot change the world as I would like too. But everyday I think I can.


At work I just do my job.....when the really stressful times pass.... I go inward and take a couple of days off when the main storms pass. Recently after a harrowing day at work, I returned to work after three days off, and spoke with a manager who suggested he had not been there for me [and other colleagues] in times of chaos and stress. He asked me if the company could do anything to help me cope better. I ASKED for an occupational health assessment.... I go in two weeks.............it will be my first chance [in theory] to explain how I feel holistically. I get angry and frustrated by having to meet impossible targets, depressed at what I see as political correctness, and physically ill because within my place of work I feel unsupported by those whom employee me. It has taken a friend of mine to take their own life for this company to now show signs they are concerned about the work forces mental health. Shame on them I say.

This all comes at a time during economic crisis...my wife finds out tomorrow if she is being made redundant or not....and I go through the same scenario next Tuesday when my company explain how they will restructure to save money this has been described as severe times.. Pay cuts/ redundancies/staffing restructure....[and I went through the same thing 4 years ago]

When will it all end? ..............who knows! We have a £150,000 mortgage! A job market that has hit rock bottom in this country...we have just had a budget from the government that will hurt the population for many years to come......but what choice do we have.....

Life is hard..at times its a blooming nightmare.....but you have HOPE IT WILL GET BETTER.....Without HOPE we have nothing..........hope is what gets us out of bed every day [like you I travel to work 90mins there 90mins back]

Hope is the one thing that no-one can TAX or deduct from your pay, Hope is the one thing that carries us through the darkest of times

H AND

O UT

P ROGRESSIVE

E NERGY

It will come back to you I promise
[Hope is a fundamental component of the life of the righteous (Proverbs 23:1


David

Great post David...very insightful...thank you! :hug:

Terri,

I too live in some pain, perhaps not as bad as yours, and would never tell someone what to do with regard to their situation as each person is different. Having said that I will say I tell my doctor "exactly" how I feel with regard to pain. If I'm hurting I tell her (my docs a female) where the pain is and to what extent it hurts. She may not be able to do but so much but she can do nothing if I don't tell her how much it's bothering me and, IMHO, you should do the same. Don't be a hero as you'll only stand alone, except for what help you may get here BUT, remember the help here is not like your doctor in it's far away and though the folks here may be caring and mean well they can't treat you, as such.

It's a d_mn shame medical science has basically put the neuropathy patient on the back burner with regard to pain issues or anything else for that matter. They seem to view it as incurable and so "you're on your own and good luck" is their attitude. They love to give you nerve conduction test that can be less then thrilling yet 9 out of 10 doctors have never experienced a nerve conduction test. IMO it should be required of all doctors that or going to order such tests that they should undergo them their selves before ordering the test, at least they'd have a idea what it's like.

OK, I'm finished rambling but will finish by saying this; don't expect your doctor, unless he/she is the exception, to "feel' for your pain as most view you as just another patient and so are simply another means for their house or yacht payment. I don't mean to seem uncaring but it's the truth, most doctors simply don't care unless, as I said, you have one that's the exception. If you don't my advice would be to seek one out, at least you'll receive more in-depth treatment, if you know what I mean.

By the way, I haven't posted enough to be able to send PM's so should anyone send me one, as one lady did, I can't reply as yet... sorry.

Hello Pete...

I think you can receive PM's and if you hit reply...you can answer them. You just cannot initiate PMs yourself. This is temporary for new members.

Visitor messages are not PMs... Anyone registered here can see a Visitor message on profiles.

A follow-up....

*edit*
the Zostrix Cream did work but it will take several days, perhaps a week, for you to experience the results. "No" it is not painful to apply, even if your feet are burning, and so I highly recommend it. BUT, I would say to ask your doctor about it, as any medication, before starting use. If he/she says gives you the OK you can buy it over the counter and if you're like me you'll find it works great, as long as you apply it daily. To start you may find you have to apply it 2 or 3 times a day.

Good luck, I do hope it works for you! :)


Extra comment: For those that didn't read my earlier post Zostrix Cream, if applied, as a topical cream can completely stop the surface burning many experience due to a Peripheral Nuropathy. As mentioned above, ask you doctor before starting the use of this or any medication.

In regards to your Zostrix experiences, our experiences on the PN forum, have demonstrated that many of us find the burning from capsaicin products very painful. I understand that some people don't mind it, but many of us don't last the time period it takes for the substance P factor to start working.

Thanks MrsD, I complete understand. Also understand about the *edit* above. With some luck the person that asked me the question will read my posts and get her answer.

Thanks again, I'll keep your comments in mind for future posts. Have a great weekend! :)

No problem Pete. If you ever have any questions about how the forums operate you can contact me or any moderator on the team, for help. Our Community Feedback forum is also useful for asking those types of questions.

Capsaicin has been a busy topic on the Peripheral Neuropathy forum all month! ;)

Feeling better today... thinking of moving
 

Hello everyone... :Thanx:Thank you all for holding my hand through a few really dark days. :grouphug:
If any of you are members of HMO's you know how hard it is to get doctors to come out of their "Pigeon Holes" I see a Psyche for the depression, I see a Neurologist for the Neuropathy, I see an Internist as my Primary Care, and even though my medical records are on a main frame computer, accessible to all of the doctors, it seems they don't "share" their puzzle pieces. Oh, they can, they just don't want to go outside their own little boxes! It would involve them spending more than their 15 minutes per patient, and that would just be too much effort!

So, now that I have my CPAP machine, which by the way I'm still getting used to... I seem to be sleeping better. And, this morning, as SOON as I took it off, I could feel my sinuses filling up! I mean within SECONDS!!!

Before I put it on last night, I did a sinus rinse, so I could breathe through my nose while sleeping,,, as up to this point, I have always slept with my mouth open because my sinuses are always clogged... allergies....to many many things. So, anyway, I put the little mask on, lie down, and slept pretty good, except for the trying to turn over part... I even got up only ONE time to go to the bathroom instead of the normal THREE times! :trampoline:

I truly hope this will help me to sleep better, therefore feel better during the day, therefore, be less exhausted all the time. Problem ONE of SEVEN tackled.

It has helped me think clearer also.
On my way in this morning... (as you may remember I have quite a long commute)... I broke my issues down into a few categories:
1. Always Feeling Exhausted
2. Depression
3. Neuropathy Pain is Constant
4. Too Long of a Commute
5. Too much work load
6. Daughters putting too much stress on me
7. No money saved or put aside to move or put deposit on a place of my own.

A. The CPAP machine will hopefully address item #1.
B. Doctors appt. on July 15, and medication will address item #2 and maybe #3
C. If I move away from the house, and closer to work, now that Ex-husband has job and daughter with granddaughter is back with her fiance (baby's daddy), that will address Issue # 4, 6 and 3. However, #7 is a big hindrance to this!!!!!

I am going to reach out to step father and ask for a loan...it is a difficult thing to ask, and he doesn't usually do it, but it's worth it to ask. :o

I realize I have been a real downer here, and have really unloaded some negative thoughts. I appreciate you all holding my hands and hugging me through it. :hug:

There are definitely times when we all have those really dark days that we just can't find the exit door.... :Bang-Head: and if we just stop and take a few breaths, relax a little, and let God guide us, He will show us where the door is. Also, some friends holding our hands and hugs help a lot!!!!

I am looking forward to having some space of my own again. :sunchair:
I am however worried about some things....
1. That my step dad will not loan me the money.
2. That my drug addicted daughter will find out I have an apartment of my own and try to come back to "pretend" she is getting sober again and park on the couch. I have always told her that if she wants to get drug free, she can come home to do so... but at this point, I am just not strong enough to do so any more. She has cost me too much. Two apartments, a car, and my health suffers when she is around because of the stress.
3. That my daughter with a child will "again" break up with her boyfriend and need a place to stay... but I'm going to leave that up to her dad!

I guess I'll cross those bridges when I get there! :cool:

I'll keep you all posted on my progress.... :hug:

AAaaannndddd the saga continues! Whack A Mole
 

I feel like every time I get my head above ground, there's a giant hammer that comes and slams me back under again!

Oh, Step-Dad... no go. He won't help! I didn't think so!

Soooo.... I've got my appt. with Psyche coming up Thursday, excited about that! Finally may get some meds to help me through this! :smileypray:

Drug addicted daughter comes to me last week, says she really needs to talk. I'm all happy, maybe she's ready to get clean. What was I thinking? She just wants to unload some of her guilt. So any of you who know how Meth is used, know there are different ways of ingesting it.
Novice users snort it. It is manufactured in a powder form and they crush it up and sniff it up through a straw or whatever means they can find through the nose into their sinuses. Well, after a while, that gets to be icky.
Hard core users have a glass pipe they use. they put it into the end of the pipe and light it, and inhale the smoke into their lungs. Apparently this is a "better" high. It gets into the system faster and is more potent.
REALLY Hard core users shoot it intravenously! So, that is the stage my daughter is at! For some reason, she felt the need to share this with me.
:mfr_wha:

So, I'm pretty overwhelmed by this information, and I go and talk to my other daughter, later in the day. I think this is something new, and a scary step she has taken. "Oh, Mom, are you kidding? She's been doing that for a while!" "She also sells herself to a few guys for drugs too!... she has a couple of REGULARS that she sees" "And she owes me and my boyfriend over $400.00.... oh, and the check she asked me to cash for her friend, it bounced!" "Mom, she is ripping people off everywhere she goes, and lots of people are after her... if she goes to jail, she's gonna get her *** kicked because even people in there are mad at her!" :eek:

Then on Sunday, I go out to the garage to get some paint brushes for my granddaughter to paint in some of her coloring books. I open a cabinet where my daughter kept her school supplies for college (she was studying to be an interior designer) and inside the cabinet, RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF MY FACE was a glass pipe!!!! :eek: One she used to smoke her meth!!!!! It may as well have been a snake to me! I screamed! I cried... I just wanted it to dissapear! It was such a vivid slap in the face! My beautiful, intelligent, articulate, daughter was now a junkie who was selling herself for drugs!

Oh... now on to "ME"... last week... I got written up at work! For being late... (not having a car and having to depend on public transportation). For not completing tasks on time. (Losing focus and not following through) and finally, bad attendance. (Too many doctors appointments and too many days spent sleeping all day and night avoiding reality!)

I am on a 45 day probation period.
Yippee. (that's sarcastic)

Wow, somebody wasn't kidding when they said it gets darkest before the dawn.... Where the hell is the dawn? This is the LONGEST night of my life!!!!!!!!!

SEVEN YEARS OF HELL!!!!! I'm wondering what mirror I broke. Who did I **** off? All this has happened since my mom shot herself. I can't break free of this. I have been praying, and praying!

I have been afraid to take medication for depression. I have been afraid to "give control" to anyone else. To let anyone help me.

Terri...I'm sorry for all the problems in your life. :hug:I think that sometimes we just have to step away from our loved ones and let
them learn the hard way from the choices they make. You need to
take care of YOU, as our David would say.

I wish you would give depression meds a try...they might help you more than you could imagin.

I'm glad you came back here..you aren't alone in this because this family cares about you. :grouphug:

It can be a long and very exhausting road to find the right medication but it truly does work... YOU have to make YOU worth it. Everyone who has written to you here is writing from their own personal experience ... and all of us wish (well, at least I certainly wish....) that we could wave a magic wand and make being a human being just a little bit easier.

We can't help that we were born with the depressive gene or whatever "it" is that makes us who we are today.

There are many differences between us, universally (different life circumstances - different health plans - different environments)... but for the most part, we are all simply humans battling the unknown inside our brains.

Seams, I applaud you for recognizing that you need help... it takes a ton of energy that will perhaps send you deeper into the pit before you climb out... but we really do know that that pit is indeed climbable (is that a word)... however, when I am in the deepest part, I tend to forget, too.

I am so sorry that your work place has put you in an even more dangerous position (mentally) by putting you on probation. I sincerely hope that you can get a doctor's note which will allow you time off (disability with pay) so that you can work through this. My medical plan (I'm in Canada) thankfully allowed me to work through the worst times in my life by taking up to a year off work.

The more you talk to people, the more you will find you are not alone. Being here and writing about it is a huge step towards wellness... many of us who come here know that as it has worked for us.

I love my medication and will never go off it again... it took MANY different tried to find the one that worked for me. I am so grateful that I had the patience and support of friends (here and in "real" life) and family.

:grouphug: