I think I've given up
 

Ever since I stopped deluding myself about the loyalty of my friend, I've stopped having any positive thought about my life. I think I've given up on any hope of happiness. I don't want to make friends, I don't want to go out and do things, I don't want a better job or more money. I just want to sit here and do nothing and not have to have any direct contact with anyone.

This is the best I can do. This is the happiest I'll ever be. I'll be sad and alone forever, and God willing, forever won't be very long. I get up, go to work, come home, do nothing, go to sleep. That's all I've got left. If I'm feeling really energenic I might play a computer game for a few minutes. I'll watch other people have lives, I just don't want one anymore.

I'm sorry I can't be happy. I'm sorry I can't give anything back to you for listening to me whine all the time. I'm sorry I can't help anyone else. I can barely focus long enough to read. No one should listen to my advice anyway. All I can do is feel sad when someone else is sad, and hope that maybe God will make them feel a little better because I'm hurting for them.

I won't commit suicide, that would be giving me something that I really want, at the expence of the few people that would notice. And since I don't want to make anyone's life worse, I'll sit here and suffer so they won't have to. I've soehow managed to survive the pain of living for so long already, I guess I can do it some more. I won't be selfish, I'll keep hurting so others won't, even though they'll never notice I'm suffering for them.

Now
 

Lonely1 I hate it that you are so unhappy. I don't know what to say to you. Does it matter that so many of us care about you?

tl1

I don't get on here often but feel compelled to reply to your post. You have no idea how much you "give back". Just the mere fact that you are in this community gives back so much!!! I love reading your posts you are so supportive!

I understand the feeling of being lonely....how can I be surrounded by so many people and still feel so ALONE.

I'm not sure if you are "talking" to a professional, but if you are not I hope you will give it some consideration. You are a wonderful person and I just wish you could believe that about yourself!!:grouphug::grouphug:

Please hang in there..........

Dottie

Barbo, of course it helps that people here care about me, it's the only thing that gets me by sometimes.

Jaded I wish I could see that about myself too, and no I'm not seeing any professionals; I can't afford it anyway. Plus I'm bad at talking to people, that's why I come here, where I don't actually have to talk, and it's all anonymous. Besides, like I said, I think I've given up; I have no desire to try anymore.

Thanks for the words and the thoughts though...

thelonely1
I wrote this for you my friend



My every waking day is lonely

No friends I have to name

Every day the same thing

Everything the same.



I did not choose this lifestyle

I crave to change my way

But life is so damn empty

What day is it now today?



The keys in my head that lock my mind

Play loudly in my head

They clank and jingle as they lock out the world

And make all human contact dead.



I will only conquer solitude,

If I open up the door

And show the world in full.

What I was like before.



I must cast aside my fragile thoughts

Of pain, hurt, and rejection

And canvas hard and meet the crowd

And try to win election.



Friends won’t always defeat loneliness

They won’t always be around

But if I like myself, and walk alone

My feet are, firmly on the ground.



I must cast off this cloak of isolation

And go out and venture boldly

Smile at my own insecurities,

And treat remoteness coldly.



I’m only alone if I choose to be

I must remind my mind of that

Today I’ll be a different man

And wear a different hat.



If I close my eyes and imagine a life

I can invent my life from thoughts

I can be anything I want to be

With a pay check full of noughts.



I’m the master of my destiny

The captain of my ship

I will see loneliness as temporary

As just a little blip.



I am only lonely if I choose to be

This mantra will set me free

And when people choose not to interact

I will smile knowing the rejection was not from me.



I will hurt no more from solitude

And now treat it as my friend

Because I know for sure.

I like myself, and I’m not as lonely as before.



I will beat this trap I have fallen in

Come Winter Spring or Fall

And I will spend my life just listening

To other lonely people: when they call.



David:hug:
ps. Use the key and unlock your mind, and the world will seem less obscure.

WOW DMAC . No words to follow ... lovely reply .
I wanted to say in an odd way sometimes if we stop trying to find something.. when we stop trying to make something happen, when we stop trying to see..... that is when thing happen ...that is when we see ...that is when we find things and things find us!!
Thinking of you Lonely1
:grouphug:
PEACE
BMW

Just wanted to leave you a hug Lonely1. :hug:

http://www.happiness-project.com/hap..._sometime.html

*********************

Thank you DMACK for the wonderful poem.

The sad thing is, I really was trying this time. I was trying to be different, to change, to think differently... but it never mattered, I'm still someone who is tolerated out of politeness and pity. Once they stop feeling guilty, they stop tolerating me.

And I just can't try anymore; it takes so much time and effort and energy and money,then in the end all I get is dissapointment and rejection. It's not worth it. I've been trying for so long, and things are only getting worse.

I hope that BMW is right and something finds me

Hey my (wish you weren't)lonley friend!

I truly hope you're going to pull out of this slump... and altho you have said it many times that you can't afford the help, I truly believe that if you were to find a caring doctor, they would have a way to help you with affording medication for your depression.

Surely where you live there is a drop in place to reach out and get the help you need.

I apologize if you've heard this all before... but if you truly believe you can change your life... well, then... you can!

I speak only of what I know.

I really do care! Addy:hug:

Lonely in my area we have what is called the Allen group ..you can go to the health clinic (it is where you apply for food stamps and get doctors care for low income and such) they only charge what a person can afford to pay and allot of times that is nothing.. no charge ..to see and talk to a professional .
after my accident I used them for a bit until another talk doc agreed to take a legal I.O.U. from my lawyer . since my jaw was wired shut and talking was very painful I wrote most of my stuff in a note book or on paper and just handed them my written thoughts .
I do not know if they have anything like that where you are but it wouldnt hurt to check into it.
:grouphug:

dont try to be what you THINK OTHERS want you to be ! DO NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT OTHERS around you think , dont worry about the reaction of others..JUST BE YOU!!YOU ARE A CARING WISE PERSON! WE LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!!!!!!!

WTH ?

You beaten yourself again :mad: Hun, you are too worth !! you are a wonderful person that deseves the best in this life... I really pray it will come soon... dont ask me how life sometimes look this horrible and unfair...

Im not having a good time neither, so, dont have much words of hope for you, BUT, I wanted to tell you, that you are wrong when you say you have nothing to give us back... YOU HAVE GIVEN ME LOTS !!!!!!!!! When Im sad, feel lonely, I immediately think about you and the great friends I have here... :hug: You have helped me more than once, please, NEVER forget that !!! :hug:

I need you.

I love you.

I was going to say something else and I forgot... :rolleyes: my bad.

Re read the lovely post here... they are full of wisdom. We love you.

Aw, and yeah, listen our song before going to bed tonight ok ?

Love ya ! :grouphug:

I feel bad for being so negative all the time. I'm not trying to shoot down everything people tell me... I just have a hard time seeing the bright side as anything more then fantasy. And I'm so easily overwhelmed right now; the sadness is taking so much energy, I'm working so much, and looking for a new place to live... :Sigh: I just can't get help right now, I can't focus on anything else. I'm sorry you'll have to put up with me for at least another month or two. :(

((Addy) it's good to see you again by the way!) and ((BMW)) I'm sorry you have to keep telling me the same things over and over; I feel really bad. I wish I could get better so I wouldn't bother you anymore. But it's so nice to feel cared about and I have to admit that I like all the attention. :o

((Blue)) It always makes me feel a little better just because you post. You are one of the few who have made me feel needed, but don't be surprised if I make you repeat yourself a lot. :o I'm sorry you're having a hard time too. :hug: You have to listen to our song too, kay? :) I love you too, Blue. (hehe that ryhmes :p)

I'm feeling kind of numb right now, which is actually kind of nice after the past few days :rolleyes: Tomorrow's my first day off work for three or four weeks. I think I'll go to bed for 10-12 hours. :o

Thank you all for putting up with me for so long. :grouphug:

ah haa see it is you who thinks you are "bothering" me .I can bet a million dollars that NOBODY else here thinks you are bothering me, or them...it is your silly mind worrying and trying to guess what others are thinking...
but lonely YOUR WRONG!! You are not bothering me.
It will be nice for you to have a few days off..I am jealous of you.I have to work Fri, Sat and Monday and only get Sunday off. I am up and not sleepy cus I have to go to the dentist today and I HATE going . now that going to dentist thing is the kind of stuff that bothers me.but you ...to read one of us can make you feel a tiny bit better..well thats the best. :hug: :hug: thats what we care about. Lonely your a pretty okay good kind caring person . :hug: and you cant fool us!
maybe I will try to sleep before the sun starts shining this morning. I hope your day today is relaxing and good all day long Lonely.
PEACE
BMW

Maybe I just thought I was bothering people because, no one else is as kind and caring as the people here. :p

I'm sorry you have to work so much, at least you get the 4th off to celebrate. Your dentist appointment is probably over by now; I hope it wasn't so bad. I bet it wasn't nearly as bad as the worrying about it though.

:hug:

just thought i'd add my two cents... please don't give up!

if it helps, try some of these to feel better:
- think of all your friends here and the people that would miss you, i can see it just by reading the posts here.
- take a walk or do something relaxing that you enjoy (for me, baking a cake tonight) but some people prefer bubble baths.
- try to think positively, make a list of all the great things (this'll be tough) but Oprah says it works! ;)
- watch a movie or read a book to escape a little bit from reality.
- write in a journal to vent, come post here, paint a picture, write poetry, etc. to release all the feelings. (this is what i did yesterday, it kinda helped me).
- and if all else fails, speak to a professional about more suggestions.

there are so many things to do before giving up! and i know none of them will fix anything or cure anything, but they may help a tiny bit to help get through rough patches.

*thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way*

Thank you Wish for the advice, and even more for the thoughts. :)

Wish :hug:, that is a fabulous list!

Lonely1 - I think that in writing here, you are reaching out for help = so keep doing it buddy! cuz we all really do understand and DO want to help.

Hey my crazy :Mexican: friend... I'm sorry I haven't kept up with you and the others here... I'm happy to be back and to see you! ((BlueMajo))

:sing: Addy

(((Addy))) We have missed you lots !!!! I always need your positive energy !!! specially in these days when I feel terribly... I was ready to abort the mission life !!! :(

Anyway, I will stop the rant about my pathetic life.... :hug:

How are you today ? How is work going ?? Thinking about you !!! :hug:

Please have an ice cream in my name today sweetie !!! :hug: :winky:

HI Lonely,
I am sorry you are having a difficult time.
Be kind to yourself and give yourself time to regroup.
Sometimes, this is a matter to time. Other times, we also have things we need to do to heal. You have the best clue about your needs!:)
I feel you are right on the edge of making some changes you will find helpful.
Take life day-by-day, and even hour-by-hour, when necessary. :winky:
If you could have your life any way you want it..... how would your life look?
(Maybe something to think about? Everything starts with an idea, a hope, a goal, a dream!)
Gratitude lists help us all to recognize the important aspects of our lives.:)

It's not easy to fight depression. You know this!
Yet, I do believe you can triumph over all of this!
If you need help with this...look for help!
If someone here needed help with this, I'd bet you'd help them to find the help? I am sure you would do so! :)
Step-by-step!
What a great poem David has written for you!:D
Lots of notes here from caring people! :D

We can only support your efforts!
We have to depend upon you to show us what you need! :grouphug:

Take good care of yourself... you deserve it! :hug:

Keep moving forward in faith!
~DejaVu

"Everything starts with an idea, a hope, a goal, a dream!"

That was so pretty dear Deja !!! :hug: (all your post was to be honest :) )

Thank's for the post Deja, I'm having a hard time with the goals/dreams part, but I'm doing the day to day/hour to hour part pretty well. The only way I can keep going is if I don't think about the future. :o I have to move soon, but I can't find a cheap place to live, and I know exactly 0 people so roommates are out of the question. Ug, I'm sick of moving. I've had to move once or twice a year, every year for about 4 years, and I always hate it.

((Blue)) You can rant about your life all you want to, I don't mind at all. In fact, I would love to hear about it. :hug: Why is your tag set to angry? Is it becasue of work probably? By the way I did have an ice cream yesterday. ;) It was too expensive, and I really can't afford it, but I bought it anyway. :p I hope your angries go away soon. :hug:

Aw sweetie !!! Thanks for the ice cream thing !!! Was it... hum... chocolate ? vanilla maybe ? Tell me about it ! Yummy ! oh... they can certainly be very expensive... Hagen dazs (spell ?) for example, iugh... are delicious but extremely expensive ! :p

Yeah you are right... it is about work :mad: I was posting my stupid long stories at the bipolar forum...

Basically, everybody in that place hate me and it is reciprocal... :mad:

Have you heard about the St. Jude's children hospital ? it is my dream to go there... I might start looking for an opportunity there next time I feel bored... :D

Sending you hugs !!!
Talk to me more often ok ? I dont want to even imagine you are feeling sad somewhere else while Im feeling angry here and we could chat here instead ! :hug:

Much love,
Majo.

I got the ice cream from an actual ice cream parlor, that's why it was so expensive. It was cheesecake flavored ice cream with oreo crumbles and caramel in it. :D

I definitely think you should try to work at St. Jude's! They always need caring and compassionate people to work there, so you'll fit right in. :) And just getting away from the stress and people in your lab are reason enough to leave. I think you'll feel a lot better when you don't have to deal with mean people all day.

Hang in there til you get an oppertunity to follow your dream
:hug:

thinking of you