Hubby and I had a session w/tdoc that did not go very well
 

Hi,

He was exceeding anxious and wound up.
He seemed to think that this was his opportunity to talk about the things that are bothering him. He was not interested in how tdoc might be able to help us. He kept talking.
There was no way for tdoc to even get in more than a few words or a question to guide him toward something.
I told him to take a break. He kept talking.
I reminded him that we had limited time.
He kept talking.

Perhaps I am aware now that he is bothered and concerned more than he tells me.
He told tdoc that my parents should have been told about my stroke and that they should have been involved.

HELLO. I told my dad 48 hours later from my cell phone in the hospital and gave him all the relevant info about the tests and so on. Dad told my sister my speech was fine -- when it was not.( :confused: :( )
When I got out of the hospital I called my mom. We talked about gardening for an hour.
He's upset that mom and I spoke about gardening.
Seven weeks after the stroke they came to visit for Labor Day weekend and neither hubby nor parents mentioned the stroke.

He had lots of other things he needed to talk about.
I don't know what his real problem is.
I'm certainly not in the mood to deal with it now.

I was very upset that we did not get anything done for the two of us at the session. We did not cover any ground except for letting him vent.
I feel that he was being very selfish.

On the way home we stopped to buy vegetables at a market.
When we got home, I ignored him.
A few hours later I thanked him for coming to the session.
Then I went back to ignoring him.

M.

Mari
It sounds more to me like he really needed to talk. And that it is
going to take more sessions for him to get to the point were he is
ready.

I hope you will work with this for him. I think he has been anxious
about what all is going on.

Donna:grouphug:

i am sorry Mari.

that sounds very frustrating.

i agree with Donna though that it sounds like he really needed to talk.

and yes, now you know that he is anxious/worried about a lot of stuff.

it sounds like he may have some misperceptions about your family dynamics that will need to be corrected in time. it may not be easy because he may not be able to relate to how your family is. that may be why he still doesn't get it, in spite of a lot of exposure.

keep working at it.

if you can have sessions with T on your own, in parallel with the joint sessions, i think that would be helpful. i know it is hard because your T is not that convenient to go to.

i hope that hubby can be more collaborative next time. does he ever write? do you think it would be helpful to ask him - or have T ask him, on the phone, to write down his concerns before the next session.

i am sorry this is so hard for you. :hug:

~ waves ~

I think that you could think about a seperate "marriage" counselor.
this person is trained to deal with couples and their issues.
This would also focus on the marriage.
I am very sorry that your hubby monopolized the meeting.
Do you think he would go for that?
bizi

that is a good idea bizi.

and you might be able to find a marriage counselor that is easier for you to get to than your regular T.

Hi,
He has some OCD traits with some ADHD.

PERHAPS the way he acted in the session gives tdoc some more insight in order to help me.

I am 100% not interested in working on his issues with him.
(It has been my role in the relationship to help him with his issues and I have been backing off from that role for the past year.)
He could be a grown up and work on his own stuff with his own professionals and with some groups.
A few years back he went to a few counselors and got good help for some for issues regarding his parents. He could go again and find his own counselor for help dealing with his other stuff.

I'm loosing interest in my tdoc.
I found her to work with me on something specific a few years ago.
We reached a block and since then I feel that I don't need her.


M.

Mari

It sounds like maybe its time for a new pdoc. I now how hard that would
be. But maybe that would help you get things done.

Donna

i too think it might be time for you to start a search for a new therapist.
it really sounds as if your husband is pulling you down. i don't know what to say because i have never been married and don't know how much give and take there should be in a marriage. Is he out of control or only under certain conditions? Is he asleep when you are up most of the time? and are you asleep when he is awake? It sounds as if you are in such an uncomfortable position.
bobby

have you communicated this clearly to hubby? ... recently? he might not be 'reading your signals' in this area. he may need to have it spelled out in words. maybe even a little repetitively.

i agree he has to be willing to work on his problems. maybe hubby could use a reminder that he did something in the past which worked too. and that you need him to do that again. then you could focus together on your interactions / needs from one another.

but i'm thinking what you have expressed here, he needs to hear from you.

men can be dense. and women are notoriously 'mysterious' to them. the two genders do think differently, and cultural aspects may play a role, too.

successful relationships sometimes require stating the 'obvious'.

~ waves ~

he has a great deal of anxiety
 

Hi,
I don't know what to think. I am thinking.

He has an off on switch with not a whole lot of middle: intensity vs calm.

Later, I did ask him if he was angry during the tdoc session. He said, "yes." I went back to ignoring him, not willing to deal with that anger until he simmers down a bit. As long as he remains angry and anxious, I can't talk to him about issues. (It's sort of like being manic -- he is not rational at the moment.) Since the tdoc session, we are being nice to each other as long as we don't talk much.

We sleep and eat at separate times -- for as long as I can remember.

I am very clear about my needs and wishes.
He knows exactly what I want. He can tell you want I want.

This is the third or fourth summer in a row that he has been difficult. He has a heavier teaching job in the summer than during the regular year because he takes on extra classes and gets stressed about the odd times and extra travel.

I do not want to go to a marriage counselor unless he were working on his own stuff.

The last time I tried to get him to go to a counselor he went three times. I wanted him to work on his hoarding. Hubby did not reveal the extent of the hoarding so the counselor dismissed it, saying it seemed like a phase.
I think that the counselor did find him to be rather uptight about structure. The counselor told him to let go of rules (self imposed, and other, . . . .) Hubby quit after that.


I can't really afford to see tdoc because she is not on my insurance plan. I'm considering dropping her or cutting back even more -- which is almost to nothing the past two years.


M.

there are a lot of things to be worked out. maybe getting a new tdoc for yourself is the thing to work on first... seems like there are too many issues with the existing one and you end up not seeing her.

am i getting this right...

hubby knows you need him to go to individual therapy and work on the
- anxiety/OCD
- adhd
- hoarding

and ke knows that his not doing so is an obstacle
- in your relationship overall and
- in working on other issues together

?

seems like he was resistant to therapy... maybe it overwhelmed him? changes are hard, esp with anxiety. do you think he quit out of arrogance or discomfort/fear... or can you tell?

i am hoping if you get a new T you can see a bit more regularly, that maybe she will have some clever ideas on how to persuade hubby to accept therapy of his own...

but at least you will have someone help you deal with him.

~ waves ~

i hate to be negative but a marriage counselor i don't think will work. a stick of dynamite located in the right place might do the trick but otherwise he has to come up with his own motivation to change. Is there any motivation you can think of that will change him? You must be so frustrated. Has he gotten worse since you have known him besides being more stressed from the extra work or the same?
bobby

Hubby
 

Mari,
I am sorry with all the other stress you have been under you are now going through this! I do agree that you still need a therapist, maybe not the one you have but at least one. I understand the no insurance thing but is there any way you could work in a once a month session?
Hubby needs therapy!!! I agree with waves that it may need to be you who tell him this but it must be done! I would also tell him that he needs to be committed to the process this time! Tell him the truth that this is what you need because you cannot handle his issues at present.
It seem like both of you are under stress and that just might be escalating things a bit too much.

collinsc:hug:

Hi,
Hubby has gone to three therapists because I told him he need counseling and he obliged.
He benefited a lot from the the first two . . . quit after three meetings with the third.

I think he quit therapy because he thought he was fine. His third therapist apparently wanted to get him to lighten up on his need for structure and order. Hubby left the session asking for homework!! The therapist told him there were no rules. Hubby did not know how to deal with that and did not go back.

According to what I've seen, certain types of of OCD are not very treatable because the people do not want help. When they do have anxiety, they got out and get more stuff, which reduces their anxiety and solves the problem.

He has never been officially diagnosed. I came up with the ADHD by myself. Tdoc told me he has some OCD.
His ADHD is pretty astonishing. He can zone out of entire parts of conversations when the other person is talking -- this partly explains why he would rather talk than listen.


M.

Dear Bobby,
 

The good news is had two therapists who were successful with him. I pushed him to go to counseling. The first therapist dealt with issues related to his horrible father. That was quite exhausting therapy and hubby got a lot out of it. He's pretty much over his issues with his father that had been holding him back emotionally and otherwise.
The second therapist followed up on what had been accomplished with the first and even fine tuned it.

Recently, hubby reminded me that that second therapist told him that his antenna is too high and must be lowered -- he is too much on high alert. He was not able to work more with that therapist due to circumstances but also partly because that therapist thought that hubby was a therapy success and did not need anymore.

When I first met him he had no money and was not buying CDs, DVDs, books. I did not recognize hoarding tendencies.

A little later he was learning about CDs from the Romantic tradition with lots of emotion. He found them calming. He would purchase some if he was especially anxious.

We are both on our second marriage. We've been together for 15 years and married for about 5 of those years.

He is not interested in talk therapy. He does exercise a lot -- yoga, weightlifting with a trainer, jogging, . . . His eating a very good diet is partly in response to a need to work on himself. . . .

I recognize in part that the exercise might be fueled by a desire to reduce anxiety. In any case, it does seem to help him.

He is partly aware of need to change, but does not want help at this time.

In two weeks, one of his summer jobs with ease up and I can talk to him again when he is relaxed.

M.

Dear C,

I think like other folks I really hate lousy therapists.
I've only been to two that I can tolerate being in the same room --- my first one that I stayed with for 8 years, and this current one of 4 or 5 years.

They get very distracted by my sleep disorder.
I saw one who told me that we were going to have to skip discussing sleep for the first few meetings. She agreed but it was difficult, partly because I fell asleep when during the session.

I liked the first therapist and this current one because they totally understood / understand the debilitating affects of 1) bipolar, 2) the meds. Also, the other therapists I ran into were a bit ( very much) bossy and I need one who lets me be and or, as was in the case with my first therapist, lets me train them.

Here is the problem with sending him to therapy even if I could manage it. He presents well. He talks a good came. At first blush he appears to have more together than the therapist. He needs several sessions for the tdoc to figure out what needs to be addressed, but before that happens, the therapist already tells him that he is in good shape.

When he saw one therapist, the therapist said he was fine. Hubby had to kind of beg him (with my urging) to agree to help him some more.

Hubby does have more therapy behind him than most people I know. He can certainly benefit from more, but I don't think that he and I will find a way for that at this time.

I don't know yet what to do about my own therapist yet.

M.

I don't know what to say again. it sounds a lot more optimistic. he seems to have overcome a lot already. his exercise program and diet sound wonderful.
maybe just give him time for the next big step.
bobby

Aw Mari...

Sorry to read this thread ! I understand how this kind of situations hurt our souls and minds... (sorry of that sounded stupid... hopefully you get my point... :o )

First, about your tdoc... hum, time to start looking for a new one ? It is difficult to find a doc that we like... uff... tell me about it... I met several pathetic people in the process, but oh well... ;)

About hubby: hum... my humble opinion is, that, it might be good if you "ignore" him a bit when he is like that... :o You know, you deal with your own troubles, and, not getting too involved in "others" problems sometimes is good... However, I know this is too difficult... we love that person, or, perhaps we dont like that person, but there are attitudes that certainly are difficult to ignore because they bother us one way or the other... :mad:

Just try... patience Mari ! patience ! :hug:

How are things today ?

HI Mari!:)
Just reading through tonight.
Sending positive thoughts and positive energy your way!
You have lots on your plate, yet you also have great perspective!:winky:
With your insight, you cannot work with just any therapist of doc! You are right, they have to have the skills and insight to really have something to offer to you, as you have already done a great deal and have a very good understanding of what you do and do not need!:winky:
First, I wish you the very best!:D
After that, I wish you and your hubby the best, according to what brings happiness to each of you!

Take care, Mari! :hug:
~DejaVu

Wow Mari, that stinks. From feeling like you can't talk to hubby about things to having a tdoc you feel you can't go any further with. I am really sorry this is happening, but I totally understand what made you angry about the session you shared with him. Not good. He doesn't admit the hoarding does he? I mean if he recognized there was a problem wouldn't he ask a tdoc for help on it instead of putting up a front showing no problems exist? My mom's third husband is a hoarder and it's very difficult to deal with for Mom. He refuses to go in for help either. Says they can't help him. He won't trust them to help him, so that's a no go for him. But it sounds like there's more hope for your hubby. Like he's capable of change.

Been thinking about you and hoping things are better, take care Mari! :D

Hi, PAM!!
 

Dear Pam,

Thanks for your words.

I've missed you.
It's good to hear you. :hug: :hug: :hug:

M.

Yes Pam it is good to see you! :hug:

~ waves ~

Good to be here. :)

Pam
I'm so glad to see ya.

I've missed ya.

Donna:grouphug:

How is it going Pammy????????
did you guys get a pool pass for the summer?
do you have a little pool at home?
how is jackie doing? Jack? you?
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

I'll start a new thread so as not to hijack this one. :D

Hubby has new rules
 

Hi,

I told hubby that he has three new rules.

1. Next summer he has to work 50% less than he is doing this summer.

(He has been teaching more in the summer than he does the rest of the year and that has not been working very well for me.)
(He's been complaining about needing rest and then has other complaints and then becomes horrible to live with as the summer goes on. This is at least the fourth summer in a row he has been miserable to be around. Next summer will be better for both of us with his having half as much work.)

I told him to budget his money the rest of the year accordingly.


2. I get to hire the cleaning lady as often and as much as I want.


3. The next time he says ONE unkind word to me, he has to stay a night in a hotel.


This came to me in no particular order. I told him I am serious.
He has been getting to do whatever he wants and has too much rope.
Rule 1 will be the hardest for him. I will have to remind him.

I told him that I have the option to add a fourth rule.
He agreed to all of the above.
After our short talk he talked to me about what he might cook for dinner and he got up from the tv and did some house organizing.

M.

WOW!!!!
Good for you mari!
I bet it felt good to get him to cooperate and agree to your rules....expectations from him.
We will see if he honors you.
bizi

Bizi,
He likes rules guidelines and when I am strong I tell him what I need. I have not been strong for a while.

I asked him to step and and he cannot.

So I stepped up and gave him some guidelines.

My sis already told me on the phone about some problems with each of those three. For now, those three are good enough. I always have the right to modify them.

M.

Mari rules
 

Dear Mari

i like your three new rules. other spouses might not like being given rules, but your hubby seems to appreciate structure and having things defined for him. so it doesn't surprise me he signed up to that.

of course there are problems with rules and exceptions to every rule and whatnot but your rules really target problem areas, so i can't help think they will be more useful than not.

rule 3 is the one that made me wonder. not so much if he would do it, but if you would call him on it. but even if not enforced for every little thing, articulating that rule to hubby was probably useful in driving the point home as to how bad you feel when he behaves unkindly, and could make him more mindful.

i am already looking forward to next summer for you. ;):hug:

~ waves ~

oh wow...what progress you are making....i bet you will see results
bobby

I like the rules.

I sure wish I could find a way to enlist the same rules.

But I probably would be divorced if I even mentioned rule 3 to
my husband.

He made a comment yesterday when I told him that Derrick
and I were staying in Indy this next 2 weeks for sure and
I was still looking for a place.

For the Sunday of the race. And that it was just to far to
drive the day of the Art work day for both me and Derrick.

He is just so worried about the fact he is laid off. He isn't
wanting to admit we still have some money.

I would love to have someone help me clean. Even when he
does its nice.

Donna