I am still struggling
 

My GP said it was normal to have a hyper reaction to stress after an accident. But this long?

I am constantly on the verge of anxiety or rage. I am pretty sure I am hypomanic. And the dark little depression is setting in. (typical spring is coming reaction for me.) Pretty much a mixed state.

Logic is in here somewhere. Knowing what is happening and knowing what to do about are two different things though.

I feel like a yo-yo.

Part of it is the girl stuff. The other part is just being on constant alert for danger. I also think alot of it has to do with the prolonged pain. My hubby thinks that its not so much the whiplash, he thinks its a fibro flair. He is usually fairly perceptive, so I will have to agree with him.

Just venting. If it gets worse, I call the pdoc. I am trying to wait it out. I am not dangerous, just crazy. LOL You all know what I mean.

I am trying not to withdraw inside myself but it is really difficult.

sigh.

I hate this crap.

Dear Bear,
I wish you were feeling better.
I guess that it takes as long as it takes.
Can you rest more? Stop most of your activities and stay in bed or on the couch?
Can you come home early each day this week and go right to bed?
You family will support you. They sound like a good bunch.

Why do we wait it out when we could call the dr? I don't know.

Get well.
Mari

He Ms.Bear,

I'm sorry to hear you were in an accident. I didn't know until now. I can symphasize with you as I have been in an accident that had me in pain. Here's a cyber hug for you. {{{{{Ms.Bear}}}}}

befuddled2

Dear Bear,
You continue to have a lot of stress, especially at work.
I wish also that you could slow down a bit.
hugs to you my dear
((((HUGS))))
bizi:hug:

I am so sorry to hear you are having to deal with this huge amount of stress.

It seems like PTSD, and it takes time to get over it, as time goes on it does ease up, at least for me it has somewhat.

Get some R & R. Hang in there, thinking of you.

Hugs, Nikko:hug:

it seems like post traumatic stress to me too...paxil is supposedly good for it..it does take a very long time...after my explosion I was such a wreck and was in limbo...the whole thing was surreal....can you write a story about your accident...and go back to it...you had faith and faith was the only way I managed to dig myself out years later. It was a feeling faith....not an intellectual faith...sort of like Kierkegaard's divine leap..
I am holding hands with you now
Bobby

PTSD, once again. It would make sense since I seem to be pre-disposed.

Thank you for your hand, Bobby. Thank you for your hugs, Nikko, bizi, Befuddled. Ah, Mari. Doctors scare me. They push drugs on me like candy, and I don't want anymore.

I tried to meditate through a HUGE panic attack yesterday and I ended up thinking about the wreck. So I made myself see myself in the car all crumpled up. It did not help at first. I freaked.

But then I made myself see how I am now. See me getting out of the car and that I really am physically fine. I walked away with a few bumps and an abrasion.

So, I kinda wrote a story in my head. I will have to take a few minutes when I freak and just make myself see that I walked away.

I think it was better that I didn't see the 4Runner after. But I am curious. I think that if I had seen what happened to the car, I would have had that picture in my head instead of the ER guys getting me out safe.

Plus, I had to talk to my ex over the weekend. The boys got in a fender bender and the cops took 2 hours to process the scene. It was a joke, and the cops were harrassing the boys, so all the parents drove over to the scene and instantly the kids were let go with a warning. sigh. More trauma.

One thing at a time, I guess. One moment at a time. It helps to know that you all are here. And it helps to see that others are on the same path as I am and they are making their way out.

I remember you talking about the explosion, Bobby. It was alot to process. I think you are doing remarkedly well, and I will follow your advice.

Panic Attacks are so frightening. I am not saying to take any drug, but something for anxiety would be good right now, to stop the panic attacks.

I have to take something, or I would be in one big PANIC.

If you do get something, don't wait till the panic attack occurs, take as directed so the panic attack won't occur.

Just my experience, maybe it will help.

PTSD is awful, I didn't even know that - that is what I was/am experiencing until the Doctor told me, before that I thought I was losing my mind.

Hugs, Nikko:hug:

So sorry to hear about the accident. I was in one inn 1999, but it took years for all the damage to show itself, so be on the lookout for any signs - numbs hands, arms, feet, legs, nerve pain, anything unexpected that starts slowly and BUILDS - that's what happened to me :( . Use heat, or even iice, if that feels better; whichever works for you.

Baby yourself, take care! Jacquie

It's kinda hard to notice "extra" stuff. I already have numbness and tingling down my left arm and weak, saggy muscles down the entire left side of my body. Cymbalta helps, but I break through when the fibro flairs.

Which it is doing right now. sigh.

I just wish I could calm down. I hate being mixed. Ragey and cagey. too funny if it weren't me. :rolleyes:

I hate the benzos. They make me forget to breath and I grind my teeth. But they help. I will try to take them at bedtime for awhile, but I can't take the 3 a day the pdoc rx'd. I get too grogged out. I take little teeny valuims. Klonopin looped be WAY BAD. And I can't work that way.

I have logged on 3 times this week and just can't say anything. Today is the first day because other people here are in so much pain, I just want to comfort them and hold them.

Pretty depressed today. This is the first time in this adventure where I am recognising the crash but I still feel helpless to stop it. I just want to cry constantly. At least I can keep myself from crying, so the meds are still working.

The worst part is the self-depreciating thought process. I feel SO bad about myself. Damn, I hate that. Things I did and said 20 years ago float through my head and I feel like the worst person ever. I can't remember crap until I am depressed and then it's all the bad stuff. Funny-odd how that works.

Wes's therapist asked how I was, and I lied. I said I was fine and everything was ok. I don't want to tell my husband how bad it is. He has a little history with an ex-wife that undoes him when it comes to the psyc stuff.

Thanks for listening to me. It helps. I don't think I could say stuff like this to anyone here.(meaning home)

Thank you.

Dear Bear,
It is safe to talk to us.

Your family and your support team can help you more perhaps if you reach out to them.

Mari
:hug:

will light a candle for you dear
 

Ms. Bear, so sorry to hear about your accident. I will say a prayer and light a candle for you tonight.

Bless ya,
Sandy

sounds as if you are an imperfect perfectionist too....were you nurtured as a child? were you put in a hero's role? this accident I think might turn into one huge giant step forward if you can use it and get at the sources of why you are so self critical and so unforgiving of yourself. if you were to imagine you were another person looking at them, where would your standards be for that person? How come you are so good at nurturing others and so bad at nurturing yourself? when you start beating yourself up you should ask that question rather than continue to beat yourself up.
Crying leads to healing.....acknowledging that you are not made of steel but are flesh and bones leads to healing. I am really beginning to think this accident was a gift because it penetrated some of your defenses and you are ready for big time change.
Did I write that six months before my explosion, I wrote a short story about a little girl in an explosion and the explosion was meant to get her out of her rut rather than to maim or kill her. I remembered the short story a few months after my explosion. Pretty weird right?
Being gentle to yourself is really scary....nurturing yourself at first is pretty lonely and scary...the illusion of feeling like steel and I can handle it is pretty safe but it really robs you big time.
I am sorry klonopin doesn't help you. There are loads of times it doesn't touch my anxiety.
You are so very special...if only you could feel it.
Bobby

I was a caretaker as a child. "The Hero". My mom has myasthenia gravis and my earliest memories (if any) are of picking her up off the floor and putting her to bed, careing for my brother and sister. When I was 15, my little sister had a stroke and was in ICU at the childrens hospital for 5 months. Then rehab, then on and on. My mom was too ill and my dad was tied up completely with careing for my sister. I had to raise my brother. (and in some ways, my mother as well.)

My dad was my best friend until I hit puberty and then he retreated. He is a very cold man to start with, but I don't think he knew how to handle a young woman. He was not nurtured as a child. Alcoholic parents with a habit of abandoning him. I know he loves me. He has gotten better at showing it as we both get older.

So much of my life has revolved around careing for others and putting my own needs aside. It was what was expected. I am a soldiers daughter. Strap it on and do your duty. Of course I rebelled and made horrible choices. I was so angry. But those choices forced me to grow up very fast.

Even as a small child other children would comment that they couldn't understand me because I talked like a grown up. Adults would tell me I had ancient eyes. In my 20's I would hear how young I looked but I didn't act my age. Old. Older.

So, I believe that as fragile and failable as I feel, I have no choice but to push my self beyond my limits. To endure things that I shouldn't have to. I have made huge strides at standing up for myself-I no longer put up with crap that isn't my problem. But I still make myself do the things that scare the crap out of me. Because that is just what you do. You strap it on and you walk into the battle because it is your duty.

I know it's screwed up. I know it hurts me. I don't know how to make myself change. The guilt kills me worse than the action.

OH! and I call myself a lazy perfectionist. If I can't do it right the first time, then I don't do it at all. :wink:

this accident was definitely a Godsend and a wake up call. If you use it right you will eventually be so free of so much pressure in the future and doing things that you shouldn't be doing and also you will become far less hard on yourself and a lot of guilt will evaporate...yippeee....
I am so glad you were able to act out when you were younger. That probably saved you so much depression in your later life. You should congratulate yourself for being so bright rather than being self deprecating...Just think if you use this experience right you will be less self deprecating. You can start now by measuring yourself how you would judge other people and use that yardstick on yourself. The yardstick for yourself is probably way off the chart.
Also imagine the child you were but just think of her as a child and see if you can feel empathy for her and all she had to go through.....that might be the beginning of self nurturance. The stress of the accident will slow you down now from your usual iron self...what a grand opening when your defenses are down. I hope I don't sound crazy but at last, you will begin to be free and be able to take the steps to be gentler and finally nurturing to yourself. At first it is going probably to be very very lonely and painful but there is a rainbow at the end.....
Bobby

Dear Bear,
Now I know why you have your name, Mrs. Bear.
You are the protector of your family.
I admire you.
It takes unimaginable strength doing what you are doing and how much stress you have been under.
I like what bobby said about taking this time to heal yourself.
This is such good advice...
((((HUGS))))
bizi:heartthrob:

you really will be ok.
 

Dear Bear,
You can do this. You really can. Look at all the other amazing things you have accomplished.
You can change your way of dealing with the world.

My accupunturist told me to say this often through out the day:
I release. I let go.

She thinks that I hold on too tight to responsibility and control....then I end up with anxiety and other health issues.

I release. I let go.

We can change our patterns.
You know this because you have changed other patterns in your life and you have helped your sons and other loved ones.


When my hubby was going to a pretty good counselor re his parents, the counselor reminded him that he had learned behaviors as a 5 year old. As a five year old he HAD to do these things in order to live --that's how the five year old sees it and that is how it gets imprinted/ tattooed into his being.

Now he is free from there strictures, criticism, scary behaviors.... and can live without carrying out roles/behavior that they shaped. Mainly, he is not 5 any more.

OK. I am really not trying to over simplify.
Sorry if it comes out that way.

You and I have talked here before about what I call the "responsibility gene." My parents used to put me "in charge" of the other ones (4 of us). And Dad was military...Mom was.... nearly always in dangerr of freaking out over something.....We children were responsible for keeping the peace in the house... and so on.

I am learning that I can be less responsible, even in dealings with myself.
At work, I am getting better about passing on responsibility to others.

And with myself, I let myself off the hook more about what I need to do or what I have to do. Because, really, I don't have to do anything.
I release. I let go.
I release. I let go.
I release. I let go.

I say it. I feel good while I say it.
And guess what? Typing it works too.

Mari

that is a neat expression Mari....I am going to add it to my repetoire...do you ever feel as if you are holding your breath? I do....
Bobby
the imperfect perfectionist

Oh geeze. Mari posted in Sandy's thread about vitamins and Omega3's and it totally reminded me about my pernicious anemia. Duh.

If I don't have enough B12, I get very depressed. Actually the first symptom that I am getting low and then comes the exhaustion and the pain.

Oh thank you thank you thank you Mari. Once I head that part off, I can be better capable of working on the other issues I need to address.

:hug:

{{{Mrs. Bear}}} you are an amazingly strong person, whether you realize it or not. What a 'child'hood you had to endure. I can't imagine what I would be like had I had that type of past....

Mari, I love it....

I release. I let go.

I will pass that on to my daughter, because sometimes I can actually SEE her building herself up into a frenzy. Maybe that can help her, too.

Hugs, Jacquie :hug:

I have had this siggy on another forum for awhile. I need to see it every day to remind me. There is too much beauty in this world. And sometimes that hurts, but it is still beautiful.

I didn't think my childhood was that much different. I know that a lot of people lived with alot more crap than I ever have seen. (like my parents. Poor people.)

I also supported my ex through a kidney transplant. I think that was harder than anything. Even raising my kids by myself after the divorce was easier than that.

I got my nails done. I even had little red hearts put on them. Oh, how vain. LOL Funny little pick me up though.

And I didn't even clean the house today. Just hand washed my bra. I got my errands done and have done nothing else.

Now I am going to make cd's to listen to in my new car. I have parted with the guilt of how I got it and I am learning to enjoy it.

Ewww. Sounds selfish. I am working on it. But ewwww.

Dear Bear,
 

Thank you for sharing abit of yourself...I like the pictures!
I release, I let go.
I need to practise saying this....and doing this.
(((HUGS)))
bizi

enjoy the car. you are allowed.
 

Dear Bear,
The really good thing about getting nails is that we can stop and look at them during the day and think about how neat they are.
Even better, they limit our ability to do certain things like housekeeping.

You don't need to apologize for not having a horrible childhood.
My childhood was bad enough that I am still in therapy trying to figure how to handle it. And that is a problem. :( I'll deal with it. But it would be better if I didn't have to.

What songs did you put on the CD?
:boy(music):


You are the least selfish person in the world.
So even if you started racking up selfish points now, you would still be behind everyone else.

Mari

amen to that Mari

Hi Mari. My first mix is MP3 Hard Core. Slip Knot, Cradle of Filth, Nine Inch Nails, Deftones, Disturbed, Rob Zombie (and some White Zombie), Korn. Hundreds more actually. Bless MP3 technology. I got turned on to some wild stuff this fall. My husbands work crew gave us tickets to Gears Of War for our wedding present. 8 bands of completely earblowing hard core. Of course my hubby went for Megadeath, but there was a band called Opeth. OM Heck. So eclectic. Lamb of God blew the roof off. And I have never seen a mosh pit so polite. Not one single fight. And there were so many different gangs in the pit, I was truly suprised. I have never been in a pit that I didn't have to sock somebody.

Any way.

My next one is going to be softer; Depeche Mode, Tori Amos, Bronski Beat, Ella Fitzgerald, Shubert (sp) maybe a little Holtz but he gets kinda intense. More than likely lots of Radio Head.

I have a thing for music. Can you tell? :D

Music is my outlet. If I am raging, I will find some music that I can crank and let them scream for me. If I am calm, I will turn on some classical or spanish guitar and dance around the house.

I miss dancing. I keep telling myself I should find a studio and just start again. But then life gets in the way and I just dream about it. Every peice of music that I hear gets translated into movement in my head, and I have choriographed hundreds of dances in my head. I was in a modern dance company from the age of 2 until I was 16. I quit for the theatre. I was going to be an actress you see. :wink:

Oh, I think the depression is lifting and I am feeling a tad bit more manic. Heh. Maybe that's why I ended up with fibro. I am physically so tired that I can't get into too much trouble in the manic stage. sigh.

Looking for that gift in the midst of the maddness.

Ack/ Work is my trigger. I was great over the weekend and then I nearly lost it last night. I didn't sleep well and I am back to the dear old panic.

I don't want to quit my job. But I don't know if I have the coping skills to do this anymore. My job is stressful, but I think most of my drama/trama is me. I am doing this.

I forgot how to let go.

I think it's time to call the pdoc. bletch.

Dear Bear,
Your work is very stressful.
I wish you did not have to work so hard.
((((HUGS)))
bizi:o