Sad
 

I did the right thing even though i am very sad but feel relieved. A woman came and she was very nice. she is a nurse and works near by. She picked up Luc with his toys and took him to her apartment downtown. Later on she will go to New Jersey where her boyfriend lives and take him to another woman who will foster him for a few days and then send him off for a adoption. I called her a few hours later to see how the little one was doing. she said fine. At first he had a lot of energy and she gave him a bath(He just had a bath two weeks ago) and then she took him for a walk. He is playing.
I took four klonopin so have been a big groggy. It is also raining out now heavily. At least i rescued him from four months of being crated. I feel good about that. The rescue group sounds really good. I forgot if I mentioned they have placed 1700 schnauzers in ten years. Mary tyler Moore adopted a schnauzer from them.
I can't tell if my cats are relieved or what.
bobby

dear sweet Bobby

thinking of you :hug::hug::hug:

love

waves

i found out that Luc might go to a young couple where the woman doesn't work and the husband has a great job and they live right near a park and they have lots of schnauzer experience. I told the woman again how i hope he doesn't have the same rotten experience of being crated the first four months of his life for the couple to go out a lot and crate him some more.
bobby

Dear Bobby,
This is good.
He'll be in a good place with good people.
I'm sorry that the pairing of the two of you did not work out.

M.

thanks Mari
my apartment feels sort of empty without Luc but my kitty cats are definitely relieved. they are spending once again a lot of time with me and asking for affection.
i am making plans to start doing more activities outside of my apartment. I pray i follow through since I have so isolated myself and that was one of the reasons I got Luc. There is meditation held half a block away at a church once a week and also exercises for seniors once or twice a week. they are run by the senior center. I am a senior and Luc really drove that home. It turned out that my neighbor was nice to me and told me how sorry she was but agreed it wasn't fair to Luc not to get much exercise but she said he needed at least two or three hours of exercise in the park everyday. She is older than i am and walks at least 12 miles a day. Last year she had an accident and had her hip broken. Can you believe that?
I haven't told Robert yet nor have i told alice. Her husband is going to be operated on for thyroid cancer again on the sixteenth so i want to wait til she is over that hurdle.
I cry here and there and don't know when it is coming. then i feel good because i know he will have a much better life with his new family and he is just so precious he deserves it.
bobby

Dear Bobby

my parents are a lot older than i am - and a lot more active. it is hard not to compare... sigh... :(:o i keep thinking boy when i get to their age i am going to be decrepit...

it sounds like luc is in good hands... i am glad. i am sorry for your loss, but i think this was a good experience for you - and luc got de-crated! the crying is healthy under these circumstances. remember when you couldn't cry?

and you are still in good paws ... those of your kitties. :)

i hope you will be able to go to one of the senior activities and that you will find folks you can relate to. maybe others who struggle with illnesses but are young at heart, like you.

love

waves

how do you think this was a good experience for me? I am curious. Do you think it is the depression that keeps us from being active? Does your library have dvds? Have you ever thought of getting a yoga dvd or qigong? It wouldn't put stress on your feet.
hopefully i can force myself to stay on this no fat diet and while i have these ups and downs eventually lose more weight.
I am relieved I don't feel guilty about not giving Luc enough exercise. I don't know if it is a symptom of bipolar or not about not wanting to leave ones nest. It feels safe. I am also usually always tired. inertia breeds inertia?
I wonder if that is true. I really miss seeing Luc run around the apartment and playing with his toys. I feel relieved not seeing him teasing the kitty cats and being worried that they were going to scratch his eyes. It is weird but he never went after their tails.
Love
Bobby

Dear Bobby

i believe it was a positive experience because it brought you forward and answered some questions even if the answers weren't what you hoped.

- you ran up against some limitations
- you learned that some things won't work - now you can move on to other things that might work
- you stopped torturing yourself over wanting a dog and not daring...
- you made a very responsible, but difficult decision to get a dog and deal with the what ifs
- you made a very responsible, but difficult decision, to rehome Luc

i wish i had your courage! i am glad you feel relieved.

inertia does breed inertia but i think the feeling safe has a lot to do with it. feeling unsafe also produces anxiety. ongoing depression does not help contrast inertia - one breeds the other. i see it as a multifaceted situation, not an either-or. try not to think in terms of just doing one thing at any given time, not the whole situation. the idea of not being able to hole up is probably threatening right now. just take things as they come. invite yourself to go out and think of it as just that one time. we have to force ourselves to be miopic sometimes just not to scare ourselves out of something.

i hope you can stay on the diet and you will surely lose more weight if you do - you have done so well thus far, i am so proud of you.

:hug:

yoga or exercises would help me but they do not replace running.

i like running/jogging and it burns a lot and fast. it will build up my lung capacity, burn fat, good cardio workout and i only need 20 mins to do that. you can burn the same walking with less impact but it requires more time. the pace also forces me into a very focused state.

i don't feel embarrassed running - at least not enough to stop me, most of the time. i would, on the other hand, feel very awkward doing yoga/floor exercises either at home OR outside. just stretching is hard enough, and i have been trying to do that because of my arm. for running i will have to do specific stretches also (trying not to think about that. :o:eek:!!!) i don't have money to go to gyms take classes etc etc etc etc.

love

waves

you are very wise...once again i found your post supportive and comforting.
you are right about the torturing....i guess i do think too much in terms of black and white instead of grays and that prevents me from doing more things. I get overwhelmed and don't do anything.
I worry about your foot. Has it totally healed? It is funny but when I used to go to Central Park, the thinnest people were those who were the fast walkers...they also looked the most neurotic too lol but they definitely were thinner than the runners. You know NAC is great for the lungs.
Love
Bobby

hi there

i know about feeling overwhelmed..... sigh....

my foot/feet are ok. the problem was with both but the left was worse because i fell on it twice - once after a couple rounds of therapy... haha start over!

i bet the nervous-looking walkers probably were nervous and probably burned off a lot that way :D and/or did a lot more walking than just at the park, whereas at least some of the runners probably only did that. running puts me in a mental state that i can't get walking - pls don't suggest speedwalking i couldn't do that i'd feel really awkward.

but what is NAC - the only references i find are N-acetylcysteine (a mucolytic) ... is there also some kind of exercise called that?

love

~ waves ~

Bobby,
I am excited to just even start to think that maybe you are starting to think about using the senior center:)

N-Acetyl Cysteine Breaks up Mucus
N-Acetyl Cysteine cleaves disulfide bonds by converting them to two sulfhydryl groups. This action results in the breakup of mucoproteins in lung mucus, reducing their chain lengths and thinning the mucus, improving conditions such as bronchitis and flu. Double-blind research has found that N-Acetyl Cysteine supplements improved symptoms and prevented recurrences in people with chronic bronchitis. N-Acetyl Cysteine at a dosage of 1,200 mg per day helps to prevent Influenza infection, reduces the symptoms of existing Influenza infection and reduces the duration of Influenza infections.


I think it has other value for the lungs to and helps one to breathe

I think i was talking about speedwalking...it really does look awkward doesn't it lol
bobby

Hi

yeah i was hoping it meant something else in addition to that.

in this country they mostly don't use decongestants everyone swears by these cysteine-related mucolytics (NAC was the first i had thrown at me).

my entire family has atypical reactions apparently. none of us get better with them. i seem to get more stuffed up not less. my dad says they have no effect. my mother and her sister both had unpleasant reactions as well as no improvement i can't remember details now but in one case it was blood in mucus).

the application for these things anyway is if you have excessive mucus for any reason, or dry mucus, but if you don't, you don't need them and they won't increase ability to hold air or lung capacity. you can only do that by training - breathing exercises - and fitness in general helps.

when i used to run in my old neighborhood, i'd regularly run into a guy who did speedwalking. this guy also did funky sorts of running, where he shot out his limbs - it was terrible. i'm sorry but i had enough of a hard time getting myself to run in front of people... not gonna do that!!! :eek:

i feel ridiculous much too easily. when i was depressed running was hard - even walking - just being out and being seen. i would sometimes bail because it was too much exposure. i would always get as close as i could though - sometimes i only got as far as putting my shoes on, sometimes i'd get stretched and then bail, sometimes would turn back after my warm up walk.... but sometimes once i got down there i'd be ok. so it was worth trying. if it didn't fly one night, it might the next...

i had huge admiration for the speedwalker though - that he did all that stuff, and didn't seem to care.

~ waves ~

sorry that doesn't help you. I met a woman by the bus and she swore by it so i started taking it for a while.
i admire people who aren't self conscious and are able to do what they want to do as long as it doesn't hurt anybody.
i am beginning to remember I have always all my life had a pattern of tending to be reclusive when things weren't going right or when i had to do things by myself. I think it was from growing up in an alcoholic family where I was really terrified within the house and projected the fear without.
Love
Bobby

hi

the thing is to tackle it gently. push the envelope but only push it a little bit at a time. it will get easier but it won't seem like it at first. maybe ask yourself to go out at a certain time, and to start getting read a half hour before (or however long it takes you to get ready). at that time, start getting ready but try not to think ahead. get as far as you get. when it gets too hard say, well, i got that far, and that's that. every day might be too much at first. you can't eat the whole cake in one bite. you can only cut a slice. but then you can only take small bites of the slice. chew and swallow one bite before taking on the next.

something i would tell myself which helped keep the pressure down, was "i don't have to do this, but i'm going to try to anyway. if i can, it will be good."

i got to where i was totally stressed out having to take showers, and would get fatigued by them. i couldn't figure out how it got that bad. but now i'm back to where i can take a shower and not feel overwhelmed by it. and i clean up afterwards almost without thinking. but it didn't get back to that overnight. for a while, it was a big production every time.

love

~ waves ~

again wise advise...it took me a long time to get into this state so i guess it will be a gradual process to get me out of it.
i just heard great news. Luc is doing super duperly. right now he is in a backward playing away with two young schnauzers. his tail is going a mile a minute. he is doing his business outside -:). He is going to be adopted tomorrow. It will be a young couple where the woman doesn't work and where they plan to hire a trainer for him and if they go away for a long stretch he will go to a doggie daycare center so he won't be alone. The woman said she will take a picture of him and send it to me. I still can't look at him because it is too painful. I am so happy for the little fellow. Yeah Luc.
Bobby

i am happy for Luc. and what a relief for you, too. i know you were worried for him. :hug:

Dear Bobby,
That's great about Luc being in a good place.
Maybe in lots of ways you two were good for each other even though his stay with you was very short.

One of the ways I force myself to get out is to tell myself that I can come home at any time. I allow myself to leave as soon as I get there or even in the middle of the event. It's sort of a trick I play with myself to force myself to attend. Sometimes I stay.
Other times, I follow my rules and leave when I need to. Nobody remembers later that I walked out. I'm plenty self-conscious, but I am ok about getting up to go one minute past the point I am uncomfortable and need to be back in my own space.

M.

I think little Luc really lucked out and I am so thrilled about him. I just wish I weren't so sad. I am so glad that i made the decision early rather than waited. Then it would have been so much more painful. I will have a lot of joyous memories of him racing around the apartment in his exuberance(sp)
Thank you Mari for the suggestions of facing the world again. I started withdrawing about seven years ago I think so it will take time I guess for me to reenter it. It is so much easier to lie back and just read but now that doesn't work for me. I guess that is good. I miss face to face contact with people. I do have lovely phone conversations with friends but i guess that isn't enough to break the feelings of isolation.
bobby

Dear Bobby,
When I need to go somewhere I break down the event into two activities:
1. Getting myself up and dressed and out the door.
2. Going to the event and being with other people.

Sometimes I only get to #1. Sometimes I get part way into number #2 and stop before it starts. I have also gotten up in the middle of things that I found not working for me (even if it is something as minor as not liking the seating arrangements).

This works for me. I push myself for #1 sometimes, but #2 is easy when I know I can leave.

M.

a major problem i have is trying to get myself to go to a place for the first time. I guess it is fear of the unknown. I don't have too much trouble making phone calls. I don't even know what I am afraid of. I can't seem to break it down.
A lot of times I don't feel like going to the therapist or Dr, M. but I manage to force myself to do it and am happy i have done it afterwards
Bobby

Dear Bobby,
Phone calls count.
They are hard for some of us.

The more I am inside, the less I want to go out. Maybe you could practice and go outside and then come back up. Or find an errand like buying a magazine or something that gets you out. You could do that a few times a week.

M.

thanks Mari
I will try to take your advise. right now the weather is icky. also i keep on breaking down over Luc although i know i did the right thing. I feel so vulnerable. tomorrow i go to my therapist and on thursday i see dr m. i think. i have to check on that.
i feel so crumby...i also am waiting to get my lease in the mail which makes me nervous and my new credit card. I am also afraid of weighing myself.
I have been finally looking at pictures of Luc..
bobby

Dear Bobby

i am glad you have been able to look at pictures of Luc. maybe you could make a little scrapbook of your time with him... or even an e-scrapbook in html. ;)

i hope dr m and your t are helpful this week.

the weather has been crazy here too. very hot and humid. pretends like it's going to rain but doesn't - then just feels even hotter.

~ waves ~

Dear Bobby,
Find something comforting. . . . .something to hold in your hands, or something you can remember . . . maybe some music . . .

'hoping your week improves.

M.

I will eventually just move the few good pictures of him into a separate place.iI am sorry about the weather. I am so sorry you don't have air conditioning. You really must be feeling awful. I will feel awful when the bill comes but at least my air conditioner is working.
Love
Bobby

Thanks Mari
I didn't sleep much last night. I listened a lot to Josh Groban. I played him a lot when Luc was here.I also was petting Yuki and Abby so much during the night. It was as if they were taking turns. That was very comforting. I was severely depressed before I got Luc and that was one of the major reasons I got Luc. I love schnauzers. Luc really is a special schnauzer. He used to kiss me so much right from the start and that made me feel so good. I thought he would be able to drag me out of my apartment and face the world. He wasn't able to. Instead he was a little miracle. You should have seen him tear around the apartment with a stuffed toy in his mouth! funny and joyous. He was too much pressure. the kitty cats aren't.
Hopefully I saw a few activities outside that might drag me out of the apartment and hopefully help me meet new people besides interesting me.
A couple are religious learning and a couple are fitness. two conflict with each other and my scheduled therapy appt but maybe i can change the therapy appt. if I wind up liking either activity.
I also just got on the scale again and I lost 17 pounds. I am trying to stick to the Ornish diet even though i occasionally break it with chop suey. If I can keep on losing weight, that should make me feel better.
I was severely depressed before Luc entered my life and I thought he would help me break out of it.
right now I see only one more major source of sorrow on the horizon. i don't know if it will happen or not. time will tell. it concerns another friend. I think he is beginning to realize how troubled I am and it might just not be worth it to him. If that is the case, I can't blame him. Life is hard enough
bobby hating bipolar
ps i called about the lease and got an apologetic reply after first being told it had been sent out and was told it will be sent out today-hooray

good job calling about the lease...

and that is GREAT that you lost 17 lbs wowwweee! :):):)

i hope your friend doesn't up and leave... but if he does his loss!

sounds like you have really been scoping out activities... curious to see what you are going to try first... :D

love

~ waves ~

just a quick note...
bobby I amso proud of you for sticking with the diet...it ishard to do that so pat yourself on the back. and give yourself a real hug from me.:)
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

Dear Bobby,
Yes, keep the cats close. :)

You will benefit from being around people at the the religions learning and fitness things. :)

Congrats on the 17 pounds. That is fabulous.
Likely you will start finding yourself having more energy. :)

M.

thank you Bizi...i was down 18 pounds last week and then jumped up four pounds so it seems as if it is going to be an endless battle. I am trying my hardest I am drinking a lot of lentil soup. I hope i don't get tired of that
bobby

thank you
last night i had hardly any sleep so my energy level is low. I ran into robert on the way to bus for my therapist's. He gave me back handed compliments that got me so enraged.he said i was dynamic and i had steel in me and I could have made it work out with Luc. Thanks a lot robert. Then to kick me further when i told him i lost 17 pounds he said i had to exercise or else i would need an operation later for all the hanging skin. i told him nicely to shut up but he kept on going.
bobby

that would have reaaly upset me too! That was really insensitive. :(

skin
 

Bobby,
Exercise has no effect on loose skin.
He is misinformed, making junk up, and just generally a jerk.

He could compliment you and / or be supportive.
Maybe you should talk to him.

M.

he meant that if i lose a lot of weight without exercise i will have loose skin.
i can't talk to him because he knows it all. yesterday was especially traumatic because he reminded me so much of how my mother used to treat me and fill me with fears to manipulate me. Neither parent was supportive.
today i hopefully am going to an exercise session sponsored by the senior center. the woman was very bubbly and said it sounded that it would be perfect for me since i told her how out of shape i am.
bobby feeling so disconnected

Bobby,
He should take a break and leave you alone.
Perhaps he also very critical of himself.

I hope that the senior center visit goes well for you.
M.

dear bobby i hope the exercise session works out well for you. love, waves. :hug: p.s. i'm sorry robert acted like such a jerk. you are doing what you need to do and i'm proud of you.

Dear Bobby,
If you went to the center, I hope that you felt good about the people.
They probably have other activities too.
M.

i went to the center. the people were nice. i spent about twenty minutes afterwards talking to the instructor. she was really nice. i got tired even though the exercises weren't strenuous so stopped a lot but will go back. they have other things too like meditation and other fitness programs. they also serve lunch and have a vegetarian choice. I might try that too. I have so much weight to lose to be able to get back into shape. I really felt it big time yesterday.
BObby

Dear Bobby,
This is a wonderful report. I'm so happy that you got out and felt ok about the place and the people. That is pretty cool that you can eat there and do the Ornish diet.
What did you like about the fitness teacher?
I wonder who does the meditation teaching.


M.