What to say to a 'Dying Person' ?
 

I've been thinking about 'death' alot lately.

There are so many venues to death.
To some, it's a tragic 'end'.
Other's battle longlasting terminal illnesses...
Some 'welcome' it as a relief from pain and a 'crossing over' to a new dimension....
The Suicide Forum is absolutely FULL of beautiful people who are gifted with the strength of being available here with a loving,caring,giving heart.....

Most of us 'know' the pain that death brings, in whichever form it came.

I lost my only brother to a terrible tragic head on car accident one Friday night in 2002. We were very VERY close. I've never spoke of it here before this. We both played guitar and were like unseperable 'twins' (only he was 2 yrs younger than me). The music in me 'died' along with my brother.
Sometimes, I still feel a slight stir within me that maybe I still have music....and that maybe I can resurrect some of the songs he had written and connect with his teenage daugher (8 yrs old when he died) and we can play his songs together......
The thing that still 'haunts' me, however
is that the circumstances surrounding his terrible tragic accident
were such that, he was struggling severely with some mental (and other) issues.
....to those of us close enough to him, there is the horrible unanswered question that we dare not face, but it is THERE.
.....did he perhaps purposely turn his steering wheel into that oncoming vehicle late that night? Was he in such anquish and at that moment in time, did that seem like a 'good way out'?
We will never know. Nor do we DARE want to think that.
......because the other driver died at that split second in time as well.

The last few songs he wrote....I could read between the lines....
..he didn't spell it out, per se, ..as in a 'suicide note'....
but his lyrics...were haunting and spoke a language that brings shear sorrow to the core of my heart. He was truly a hurting man.
The thing is, he 'covered' his pain with a sense of humor that even the best of stand-up commedians would strive to attain...
That was his way of 'not talking' about his anguish within.
He didn't want to 'bother' others with it, nor did he want to face it himself.

Suicide? Tragedy? Fate?

MY QUESTION IS THIS:
What do you 'say' to a dying person ?

My favorite Aunt will be passing thru my town (via ambulance transport) to get back to where she lives, so she can peacefully die at home.
She has battled a rare cancerous condition for the past year that has rendered her on the losing end of the stick.....
She will be placed on Hospice care for her last few days/weeks at home.
She is only 63.
She was always full of life and doing things for others.

My family has made arrangement to meet with the ambulance as they stop off to re-fuel before continuing on the interstate to get her to her final destination.
Please open your hearts and share with me what would YOU say....?
Talking about the weather wouldn't really matter
Asking about her travel in the ambulance doesn't seem to 'fit'.
Talking about 'future plans' is not the direction to go
Standing there crying and saying 'goodbye'.....?.... well, that's not what I would want to see if i were the one with numbered days....
Thanking her for all the cards she's sent.....seems ... futile ?

Until, my 'family' here (who truly know the heartache involved) share ...
I guess I'll just go with my heart. I'll try to put on a brave face, but if tears break thru, then what can I do? I'll certainly say 'I love you'....
I guess, I'll just hug her and look deep in her eyes and say.....
"see ya later".......

Rae

I'd say thank you...you know that you are my favorite Aunt and I'll miss you but will remember you always. And smile through those tears. :hug:

Alffe always knows what to say! :hug:

I think that's probably the kindest most appropriate thing anyone could say to someone they love and will miss. "Thank you" for being in my life and allowing me to be in yours.

Sometimes talking of memories - funny ones or even sad ones
- kind of continues the bond that is already there.

If it were me I think I'd like to hear of good times and good memories.

I would say: I love you and always will... see you soon :hug:

Hugs for you. :grouphug:

.....thank you.....
 

yes, thank you....:grouphug:

you've 'reinforced' what my heart was struggling with....

Just being simple.....
I guess smiling thru tearfilled eyes pretty much says it all.

I will do just that.
I 'knew' I could count on you all. You never cease to amaze me.....

BlueMajo :hug: yes, I like that.....'see you soon'

Thank you all
Rae

say all that you feel! It is hard to lose someone but sometimes having time to know you can say something it wonderful.

from experience.... also give a BIG BIG BIG HUGGGGG saying thanks or love you... or again whatever you feel..... do not hold back

my sister died from Cancer... and about a week before I got to run down and stay there overnt with two of the kids... the one night.. she said she was tired and wanted to lie down early... I said go for it.. asked her if I could lay down with her.... those 20 minutes or so.. will always be in my heart.... I shared lots of feelings... and that I will be honored when she is at peace that she will be in Heaven with my baby Sabrina( I lost a baby full term 12 years ago)... she said her and her hubby had talked about Sabrina just few days before our talk.

hard to say those things sometimes... but she knew she was dying and I knew... share share... hugss,sarah

(((Sarah)))
 

How sweet is that!

....pillow talk......:hug:
http://dl2.glitter-graphics.net/pub/...qlwwt97bw8.gif

absolutely. THAT is exactly what i would want. I would love for my loved ones to just be 'ok' with it....be calm....talk about the 'good days'......talk about the wonderful new hope that exists for all of us.....like you said....
a 'reuniting' with others who have gone before us......your (((baby))).....yes
...and no more pain.

How touching
thank you l
:Heart:

Rae I am sorry to find the loss of brother is in your pocket.:hug: It is in my pocket too. and as you know... I just recently found my very close long time school friend is terminal. Thanks for starting this thread.
we have been talking allot lately about old times, times we were not in contact so much ... we talk about worries or wonder what it will be like. ending life in dignity . talk about how things are never fair .
sometimes I have dreams . I told her of a recent dream . and she said I made her cry. Now I feel bad. the dreams did not make me feel like crying. it made me feel comfort and connected .It was like I got to spend a very awesome time, with a sister I havent seen in a long time. ... that is what I told her too.
WAS THAT WRONG? insenitive ?? I didnt even think it would make her cry.
I youtube her songs I am sending her some wine. we are trading must read book suggestions. and plan to go visit her very soon. So what do you say to a dying person??????????
What do you say to a dying person who dose not want but a very few knowing they are dying ?? :(:smileypray::Sob:

As a "former" hospice nurse, please know that the most important thing is letting them know they are loved, also that it is alright to "move on" to heaven when they are called. Sometimes they need that permission to move on. Dont be afraid to cry as you are starting a grievig process. Live review is also VERY important. Reminds you and your loved one that there have been many, good times and times you will remember.
:hug:z

:Good-Post:

I was going to add something like "everything is gonna be alright" :hug:

Thinking about you dear Rrae !!! :hug: :grouphug:

(((bmw)))
 

TEARS....
tears are a beautiful thing...... :hug:
i'm sure the tears brought on by the dream you shared were because you touched her in a deep way.
This post you shared brought on tears......even seeing that you tagged a 'thank you' on the posts brought tears! I was SO glad to see you come here and share...it touched me and i cried.
Crying is a wonderful release.......

Everything you do for people, BMW, you put your entire heart and soul into it.
please don't feel a 'burden' that you made your friend cry.......there are bound to be tears, MANY tears..... your friend is very fortunate to have you, like you shared - she doesn't want many people to 'know'...
Well, you are one she is confiding to....
Cry the tears with her...

.....:(...sometimes i feel as tho the people who are going to be left behind are the ones who suffer even moreso than the person on the brink of passing....

Thank you so much for sharing, and i'm so sorry about your friend....
i hope she is not suffering a lot of physical pain.

tears are priceless.....
Rae

http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/4...xyerq17ep1.jpg

Pooh!
 

I did not realize you worked in Hospice!! :hug:
ANYBODY who works in Hospice deserves a HUGE appreciation HUG!

I've seen up close and first hand, the precious value there is in those who give their time to help the loved one during their last days.....not to mention the family members who are struggling and drained physically and emotionally as they come to terms with this very sad time...... priceless....

Thank you Pooh
Rae
:hug:

http://dl6.glitter-graphics.net/pub/...mk0gamrgex.png....in memory

Tears say more things than any word.... :hug:

Pure and true feeling...

I do appreciate when people make me cry... :hug: Priceless.

No tears are not priceless when one has an expiration time table.... smiles are priceless .
I am not good at this. :( but not backing down . Plan to go visit her in very near future..you are all much help .
Pooh :hug:
Rae :hug:
sabimax :hug:
Blue :hug:
PEACE
BMW

Well, tears come down when somebody is terminal because we love that person... we have memories with that person... we will miss that person... :) :hug: That's why they are priceless... :winky:

Of course, the double combo tears + smiles is waaaaaaaay better :p

Thinking about you.

[QUOTE=Rrae;679111]I did not realize you worked in Hospice!! :hug:
ANYBODY who works in Hospice deserves a HUGE appreciation HUG!

I've seen up close and first hand, the precious value there is in those who give their time to help the loved one during their last days.....not to mention the family members who are struggling and drained physically and emotionally as they come to terms with this very sad time...... priceless....

Rae, I was a Hospice nurse until May, did homecare and hospice for 8 years here in the hills surrounding good ol nowhere. My old body hated the driving more then the hours on my feet. So I have given my bod a break (I think) and am now working in surgery and in acute care at a small hospital.
But I still remember how to do it, and how ever so important it is to tell your friends it is ok to go. Yet we get as much from the patients and their families as they get from our care and support.

Its just a thing I do in my spare min as SUPER NURSE.
:hug:Z

Dear Friend I Care
 

Oh Dear Rae-

I so do care for your family, for you, for your aunt in this situation. Such is the difficult task to bear, but you are equal for sure. Several times I have been there at bedside for my beloved paternal Grandma, my maternal Grandma, friends..... What have I said? Sometimes it has been in the nature of sitting and holding their hand when they needed it, kissing them for we both needed it, and sharing the profound way in which they have affected and are affecting my life, telling them I love them, sharing that it is OK for them to go into Jesus' hands for He is there beside them. Interesting, for I have had them reply to me not only that they knew Jesus was there, but that they could see Him [of course, these times of sharing are preceded by family willingness that my sharing be so open. Some have wishes otherwise, and I respect it].

Oh yeah, I cry and have cried. How could one not? Surely, it is in the open hearted sharing of emotion that we each are bound one to another, co-travellers on this difficult path called life. Oh, and hug, yep hug that loved one because I guarantee you both need it.

Sorry I am so late to this important thread of the quilt in your life, dear friend.
You are all in my prayers,:smileypray:
Mark56 :hug:z

Each of us is different and the circumstances before this issue are never pleasant!
 

Just don't leave things that should be said, unsaid! Once folks are gone? They are gone... restrain on the 'family 'issues'', and more on the you and I issues, and what has been good? And the wish that other things could've been fixed, tho they weren't.
That sounds unpleasant? But it's not, really. Why? Because whatever has caused good or ill will between you is gonna be disolved soon.
I did that with a relative, and got a final 'I'm sorry' which will keep me going thru all sorts of nasty potential mind-traps and other things for my lifetime. And, I'm not going to get into any future 'mind-traps' anytime soon! You have to go thru with things honestly, cleanly and with heart felt clarity.
Of course? This is far easier said than done? But take a step back and look at it from afar? Then more closely. That motivates others, even family, is waaay different from what motivates US! I don't know about you? But I tend to back away from these 'things'? Only as a way of self preservation or sanity. IF you sort it out clearly in your mind? Sometimes you can clear the air and have better relationships with other family members.
And YES!!!! Hospice care folks do deserve something MORE than gold stars! I got to see that first hand last year when I was in a 'rehab facility'! Some carers were soo super? Others were downright nasty! We do deserve care with dignity? Tho at times it just doesn't happen!
My heart is with you, and I'm crying now... so -- :hug::hug::hug::hug:'s! - j

Thinking about you Rrae !! :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

Big Hugs!
 

:grouphug::grouphug:
Thank you all for opening your hearts and sharing.
This is a very sensitive issue for most people and I appreciate that you've talked openly about it.....:hug:

I've been gone the past several days to spend time with my aunt....
She was SO brave! Never ONCE did she make mention of any pain, distress, woes, sorrow. She never even focused on her illness at all! At least not during the time I was there with my family. If anybody ventured toward the discussion of 'dying'.....she steered the conversation back toward talking about LIFE! About LIVING LIFE while it's here!
She didn't open herself to pity or feeling sorry, or even asking 'why' !
She simply wanted to 'see' all her relatives....and to laugh with us.

You wouldn't even had known she is sick (except for her hair gone from the chemo and carrying around her little morphine bag - which looked more like a little handbag, not like the morphine 'pumps' you see in hospitals.)
She did not draw attention to any of that.

We did what Jo*Mar spoke of.......talked memories....lots and lots of memories..good AND 'bad'

Thank you Dahlek, you are so right. Leave the family 'nitpicking' alone.....
Love covers all. The time to visit her was short, so we had to make it count.
She loved talking about future things (such as my 1st grandbaby on the way)....as tho she was going to 'be there'.....in other words...she chose to talk about life going on.....not about life coming to an end.

And, thank you Mark, like you said.....just listening. Lots of listening.
To this day I don't really know where she is at 'spiritually'. That is something she never really talked about openly.....so, I respected that as well. I would have LOVED to talk endlessly about the future hope we have and my love of the Lord.....but since she didn't open up to that, I left well enough alone.
All I do know is that they recently joined a church. So, I guess that says something. Some people keep their spirituality a very very private thing and choose not to talk about it. I respect that.

Again, thank you for sharing your feelings and thoughts on this. It really means alot to me.....

and thank you Blue.....:hug::hug::hug: your hugs are so very special!
A hug sure goes a long way

Rae
:Heart:

What an incredible woman your Aunt is Rrae...thank you for sharing her with us! :grouphug:

Thank you so much for sharing this precious but hard moments with us dear Rrae :hug: You and your aunt are a couple of sweethearts :hug:

Thank you for starting this thread. It gives us all an opportunity to see those difficult but at the same time poignant moments. The most beautiful words in the English language have to be : " I love you " and "See you soon". Thanks for those.

We do not know the day nor the hour. It is also futile to speculate if the person in a moment of extreme sadness or depression might have shortened his life. There is always that other unanswered question that ought to accompany any such speculation and that refers to the very last thought in the very last second when that person might have asked God for forgiveness or merely thought "God".

That would indeed be the beautiful beginning of an everlasting life.

thank you 'dancinginthesun'...
 

I've been gone for several days since the last time i posted on this thread and when i logged on and saw your words.....wow

I wish i woulda had those words in mind to share with my
grieving father who is battling so many regrets and 'cats in the cradle'.......
Just this weekend we visited him.....and that 'unanswered question' came around in a 'walking-on-eggshells' type of way.....

Thank you for that very touching and straightforward point of view...
It really touched the heartstrings.....
There is much Wisdom in what you shared and I will latch on to that in a heartbeat.....

Rae
:hug:

This post was very helpful to me. My mom and I are currently trying to decide if we should head down to Omaha where my great aunt is in the ICU. Just found out she has leukemia and heart problems, and don't imagine she will make it very long. My mom doesn't want me to have to travel that far since it is even hard to get out of bed... but we know that this may be the last time we see her. :(

How difficult the journey
 

And yet the journey should be made if at all possible. It is as though Cleo and I are sitting around contemplating the forthcoming birthday of my Dad. Being set upon by Alzheimers, in a way, we are grieving in anticipation as he seems to slip a little more each day. His decline seems precipitous, and we will go to see him and Mom at his birthday the middle of this month. A long journey and I have not done so for so long because of the pain, BUT getting to tell him I love him and maybe have him remember who I am for a moment is a good thing and a hoped for possibility.

We are going to go. We are going to share. May your journey be swift and safe, and may your visit be sweet, the time of sharing and laughter, tears though they may come, may they be well understood for love expressions, for that is what they are.

God go with you and your Mom, Sarah,
Mark56:hug:

Thanks, Mark. We weren't able to go yet as she is still in the ICU and cannot have visitors.. but she will be in the hospital for at least a month... she started chemo today.. so we are going to try to make the trip when she can have visitors and is strong enough for that... it will be painful for me, but worth it.