Just a sad day missing De, just need a prayer
 

I know, honey. ((((((Di))))))

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v9...uggiebears.gif

I remember when my Brother died. No one wanted to talk about it. No one did talk about it. My friend at work asked me when I was going to stop wearing black dresses to work -- when I could go to sleep without crying.

I hate that you have to go through this, Dianne. It sounds like a 'famous saying' or a a 'quotation' -- the only way through the pain is to feel it. I've been there -- lost someone way to soon -- know how much it hurts.

I can't help you at all. I wish more than anything that I could. One step at a time. One hurt at a time. One memory at a time.

That's one thing that does help -- memories. Get yourself a blank book and every time the hurt is unbearable start writing the GOOD and WONDERFUL things that you remember about De. How she smelled when she was a baby. How she felt when you kissed her. How the love felt.

Don't forget her pets too. They're gonna need you and your support too. Animals have a special connection to the other side -- pay attention to what they're doing.

Never-ever forget, Di, that there's so many of us that have been in similar places. We ALL hold you and love you and support you. Visualize that support and feel it surrounding you and holding you up while you hurt and while you cry. Even when the tears let up, we'll still be holding you and supporting you and praying for you.

When you're in the quiet places at nighttime or when you're by yourself during the day, allow yourself to FEEL EVERYTHING, you'll feel De right beside you --holding you too.

Love and hugs.

Barb http://chocolate-moose.p5.org.uk/MIN...ding-hands.gif

:grouphug: Di,

I can feel your pain. It took me a long time after losing my mom to get over the impulse of calling her like she had never left. Once in a blue moon I still get an impluse to call my mom.

Are there any grieving support groups for parents by you that you could go to?

It is going to take a while for the feelings you are feeling to let up. Please feel free to talk about De. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, everyone grieves differently too.

befuddled2

Dear DiMarie,
((((((((( hugs ))))))))
:hug:

And sending a prayer.

'Sorry that you were having a bad day.
Mari

Sending lots of hugs and prayers. You need to talk about it, tell your friends that you feel like talking, they will understand.

Let yourself cry, you need time to grieve.

I wish I could help.

We are all here for you.:grouphug:

Nikko

Made it through work
 

I made work OK, all day tomorrow though my son is driving to Cincinatti and I will watch my grandson. I will fret for his many miles on the road, I will fret for watching baby and not crying all day.

I am going to make an appointment to see the coucilor she had.
Moose, thanks for sharing with me, I have my other children to watch too for their lose of a sister.

BF, I still do wait for her to call, or see something I want to pick up for her.
I want to see her, hold her. I keep in my ears the sound of her saying goodnight and adding I love you Mommy....

thanks all for your prayers, I can feel the love :grouphug:
Di

Di,
I too hear your sadness.
you must be feeling so lost and bewildered in all of this.
something that has brought me some great comfort has been getting a teddy bear...I sleep with "my bear" every night now..she sort of lays on my chest around my neck I snuggle with her, she is a small bear but very flexable..from big lots.she "kisses me and hugs me" and I find great comfort in this. I never had a teddy bear when I was growing up....perhaps you could have one of her stuffed animals or get yourself a bear to hold and love and play with in a child like manner.
(((HUGS)))
for you today
bizi:grouphug:

I am sending hugs and I hope you can feel the warmth....you are going through a natural process and don't try to fight it...this way you will heal..
if you fight it you won't heal this tragedy. It is a tragedy. Usually one just reads about it and it doesn't happen to you and your family but it did.
I can't imagine a greater source of pain.....I wonder if you believe in the great unknown and can derive some nurturing from the great unknown.
I don't think intellectualizing will help...maybe getting angry might release some of the pain until you move onto the next level of mourning. Maybe you have already gone through a lot of mourning already when you knew your treasure was in so much pain and you were all helpless in the situation no matter what you did.
You were a treasure of a mother to her. Never forget that....She couldn't have anyone better.
Bobby

Possible Trigger
 

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Di, I can only imagine how you are feeling. I have never lost someone like that, tho they have tried (my husband once and my daughter (seriously) twice, not to mention the half hearted attempts and threats. I really didn't know very much about De. If you would feel better talking about her, go ahead and do so...we will all be here to listen and send hugs :grouphug: I only knew that she was in chronic pain from the thoracic outlet syndrome, and also had the bipolar issues, the drug issues.

PLEASE STOP READING IF THIS IS UPSETTING TO YOU IN ANY WAY!!

Was she like my daughter and threatened "it" whenever she was especially upset or angry? That is hard to live with, believe me. It even makes it hard to try the 'tough love' sort of thing, as that threat is the ever-present elephant in the room....[although I have to say that my own daughter is finally turning a corner when it comes to that. She is better now than she has been for a long time - going back to before my husband's suicide attemppt, for which she really had PTSD bigtime]. Maybe we are finally getting to the right combination of meds, one can only hope....

She looked like such a lovely, sweet girl, I am sending you lots of cyber hugs and prayers :hug: .

It's good that you came here to talk to us. You know how much we all care.

:circlelove: Gentle hugs, Jacquie :circlelove:

{{{{DI}}}}}}}
Your in my prayers!
:hug:

Thinking of you today. The next few weeks are gonna hurt so bad.

Just talk to us if you are worried about the people in your "real" life. We can listen pretty well around here.

loss
 

Hi Jacquie,
No that was never a mention or option in her life, her issues were to self medicate. If it is time at 10:00 Am to get medicine come up at 6:00Am to get it, But, then why come up at 6:00 AM give it to me tonight so I have iot in the morning when I get up.

SHe would have two patches on with a 48 hour overlap, instead she would want one a day....Seems the medication would just peak and she would cchange, or was ehr life that she needed the medication in a mental dependancy....

That was the issue being addressed and not resolved when seh was released from the beahvioral health center. I called to them and complained about major issues, in ehr safety, and patient safety, within a half hour she was being discharged. She wanted to be readmitted up here in our own county near family.

She realized that her fixation of demeaning me to others in anattempt to gain control over her medication and lfie was not going to happen and she needed help to do it.
One minute she would threaten a muderous rage if I didn't give in, the next she would say goodnight mommy, I love you.
The medications they discharged her with were TEN! Among them was Haldol. Why woudl anyone send a patient on opiad therapy home on haldol?
One or athe mix of three levels was high enough to stop her from breathing.

She must have felt something wrong as she sat up on the bed, proping comforter and pillows to sit against and not sleep.

The week before when she called 911 for ambulance and thought if she was admitted ehr medications would go with her, the cop infront of me told her if she ever called 911 again seh would be arrested!

THis stuff plays on me that her death was preventacle, if she sholuld ahve had been inpatient and they had no room, then let me know and I will get a family member to stay with her.
Obcioulsy they wanted ehr bed and me out of their hair. Monday we were hoping for a bed, she enver unpacked ehr bags.
But, she also was looking at classifieds for better housing, a dtemp job for something to busy herself and get a life,

She was riden in pain and self mediating with her medicines that she ahd no idea how she would react to, they never monitored ehr on the discharge meds, she had seizures on Cymbalta I think it was while there.

So if she was still inpatients, if she needed to be on new meds and watched I would have had ehr with me,
If she wanted meds early and couldn't then I would have left her screaming..
But I never would ahve left the AM meds for her during the night.

Her body failed ehr from pain soon now did her mind, There was no reasoning with her, but never did she want to not see her nephews the light of her life grow up, she enver would want to leave ehr kitties they were her babies.

I blame the new meds, the early release, and me not checking on her or keeping her with me, even at risk of my family leaving.
I want so much to hold her, to see her play with thee baby,
All I have are memories and questions,
But, no not once ever was the big out ever threatened or even mentioned.

There was a young man in the hospital with de and shew as speaking with him. Staff told her you can't talk to him your not a therapist. She asked why not they are just having small talk, staff told ehr, well, he does not talk to anyone, he has not spoken a word in 3 1/2 months here. Well, there was miss thing getting him to talk to her.
Sorry for typos,
To hard to recheck it all.
I am so crushed inside I just want to let out screams as hard as I can
Di

Then scream, honey. Just as loud as you want. I just hope you will be able to get to the point that you can see this wasn't your fault. I am angry they let her go so soon. But you didn't do anything wrong.

I think I would feel similar to what you are describing, feeling like you should have seen or stopped it, if it were my Wes. I think I would be a mess.

But please don't be mean to yourself. Please. Say it out loud if you have to but I don't think you deserve to put any blame on yourself.

I know it is next to impossible but during this time can you try to focus on how much you loved her and that you couldn't have been a better mother and just feel very angry. You were robbed. Try not to torment yourself....
you have to bear enough pain already....You were the best and don't second guess yourself. You are only human and not omnipotent. Who wants to be omnipotent anyways?
Bobby

Di,

Guilt usaully plays a part when we lose a love one. Guilt will not bring the person back though. Although, I know how you feel. I still to this day feel like my mom might still be alive if only I had done this or that. Just know that our love ones would not want us to beat ourselves up over it. You will probably still feel it though and that is okay too I think to some extent.

Di, if I could take your pain away I would. Losing a child has to be the hardest thing in the world to endure. Keep writing and talking as it is theraputic. sp?

hugs to you,
befuddled2

How is this day, Di?

Still thinking of you.

Dear DiMarie,

I'm guessing that it is necessary to feel whatever feelings you have.
Then you will go through other feelings and then go back to the first ones -- kind of a circular path.

I wish I knew a way to make it easier for you.
Remind yourself that you were the best mother she could have had.


She had gifts. And she probably got them from you. :circlelove:

I hope her kitties help a little.

Mari

Di, thank you for taking the time to fill me in on what had been happening with your daughter. YOU ARE CERTAINLY NOT TO BLAME, YOU SHOULD HAVE NO GUILT IN THIS SITUATION, BUT THERE IS PLENTY OF BLAME TO GO AROUND - LIKE TO THAT SO-CALLED 'HOSPITAL' SHE WAS IN. :eek:

Around here, the hospitals tend to undermedicate all the time, which is what happened to my husband when he first entered a hospital for less than a week for his suicidal ideations. Big help they were. He got out, got home, I left him and my daughter home so I could go back to my fairly new job (3 mos) and THEN he really did the big attempt - by cutting his throat. Blood everywhere, no wonder Andrea had PTSD. Thank God he didn't know which side the jugguler vein really was on, or I would be a widow right now :eek: .

Sorry to bring that up, I guess it still hurts me quite a bit back in the recesses of my memory....

Hope today is a better day. Sending lots of hugs.

:hug: Jacquie

You love and life
 

Jacquie,
Jacqui, I remember the horridness of your husband situation of the air that must have sucked out of you. THe daily life you have to be watchful, hopeful, prayfull, must make life living in the orange range everyday.Always cranked up emotionally/

I know I lived that range, But they have to know that having them and loving them means the world to you. The alternative is unbearable.
Why is it so hard to find the thing that clicks and life is renewed.

I think of you iften, and have had you on my morniog prayer list. You are so much stronger then I. Your job, the family demands, I can feel it. I pray your daughters injuries heal, that she finds great hoipe and life to live, a long one.
Thanks for taking time to share with me,
Di

:hug: Thinking of you everyday, you are in my prayers daily too.

I wish I knew what to say.

Sending an angel to watch over you.

Nikko:heartthrob:

Thinking of you today. I hope you got to scream. I hope you got some sleep.

I hope you know you are loved and cared for here.

Thanks so much
 

My dear friends, each of you have made such strong points and it has given me so much comfort to have my friends.
I can't even begin to express how much I am moved by the thoughts and words.

I do not have any suport from my siblings chosing to support my abuser instead of me. They never attened my childs funeral, but in spirit you all have held me up a deeply care to help me get through my loss with all the love you can.

I feel i do have ot watch because at some point family and friends want me to move on, get stronger. I try to feel her and can't I see her picture her, smile, walking up here, sitting in my chair, I draw from taht, but then I remember the end..
The condolance book the newspaper has online has given me great comfort reading from those that loved me and De. I will have it printed after the 2/23 it will be online.

Friends, family, forum members, highschool friends, so many love us and I will always have that to comfort me when I need to pullit out and hug.

I bought a 15" ty BENNIE BABY Angel Bear for my bed, or to hug....
I will stop tomorrow and bring up some of De's angels to have near me.
I wish there was something more then her bedcovers to hug and cry into though.

Thank you nfor loving us
Di

Oh Di,
hug your angel bear tightly....
more hugs for you my dear.
((((HUGS))))
bizi:grouphug:

the bear and angels sound like such great ideas...
STAY AWAY FROM TOXIC PEOPLE
DON'T STAY STRONG BUT TAKE THE TIME NEEDED TO HEAL HOWEVER LONG
bobby

Di, YES, HUG THAT LITTLE ANGEL BEAR TIGHTLY. Everytime I come back to this thread, I cry (you would think I would have learned my lessons by now, but I still won't stay away!) I disagree with you, tho, saying that I'm much stronger than you. We are all strong in our individual ways. By now, tho, I know it seems pretty certain that I will never have a 'normal' life or family, which is a bit sad to say. I pray to God that I'm wrong, tho. It seems like we go from one crisis to another, and I was just talking to my supervisor the morning of my daughter's birthday about how much better she is doing with this last addition of Abilify to her meds. That was only about six hours before her accident. Guess I spoke too soon :o .

I am glad that we are able to at least give you some measure of comfort. Take it wherever you can get it, you deserve that and so much more. It's good that you have returned to work, that might serve as a distraction, but returning to your empty home, no matter how many family members are there. You will always have that void, but I hope it fades as time goes on....For now, hug, scream, do whatever makes you feel better!

I am off today (Lincoln's BD) but I still have 2 doctor's appts; one to get my Procrit shot, and the second is my PM monthly appt...no rest for the weary!

Gentle hugs, Jacquie

I just wanna let you know i have kept you in my prayers.
Dont let what other people think about how long you should grieve clutter your mind.
You will move on to the next stage..WHEN YOUR READY!!!
I like what My morgy said.
I am very sorry that your siblings are treating you this way.
Remember you cant choose your family.Only your friends,and i think you have alot of those right here!!
Take care
:hug:

Isebella is on her way
 

Meet Isabella, She is traveling from California today to our home in Pennsylvaia today. I will be able to watch ehr travel by UPS.
I can't wait for her to arrive. I have a TY beenybaby Angle coming too, I will keep them close.
Di
She is just a perfect Angel for my bed and me to hug.
http://www.countyourbeans.com/isabellabear.jpg
PS- I got a note from the seller, that Isabella is bringing a tiny friend with her on the trip so she won;t be lonely. I was so excited to hear she was not going to travel a lone!

just so precious...you are on one of the right tracks.....
Bobby

Dear Di,
Isabella is just perfect...what a wonderful bear to have and remind you of your De.
((((hugs))))
bizi:circlelove:

The bear is so precious looking.

{{{Di}}}

Still thinking about you.

befuddled2

She is beautiful. Did you get her yet?

She is beautiful! She should give you many hours of hugging pleasure :)

Left California today
 

This was so kind of them...thank you for sharing.
(((HUGS)))
bizi:hug:

She is precious......I am so glad she will be arriving soon.;)

Isabella is a pretty name too, did you name her?

You are in my thoughts and prayers daily. You have given me strength in so many ways.

I cannot imagine how you feel. I just hope you know that we are all here for you every second of everyday.

Take time to grieve and all the emotions that you go through.

Sending BIG BEAR HUGS :hug: :hug: :hug: Nikko

thinking about you....
((((HUGS)))):grouphug:
bizi