Originally Posted by Jo*mar (Post 680514)

I think she can just go to check it out an AA meeting, maybe she will like it.

Getting away from her problems at home temporarily might help- but in the long run she needs to address those issues and find other ways to deal with those problems.

Just because she gets sober away from home doesn't mean those issues & people at home will disappear.

There should be private facilities she can go to, I don't know if Ins would pay or how much..
She could call the Ins help line and ask how is the best way to get help.
Or her doctor should know and maybe needs to rx a detox/rehab place.

It is a health issue - maybe it is time for her to disclose it to her doctor for help from that standpoint.

I'm assuming NY area - ny alcohol rehab
http://www.google.com/#hl=en&source=...0bee69b5aae820

Originally Posted by Leesa (Post 686093)

You're exactly right, but ya know what? She doesn't want to stop for ALL TIME. She plainly said so. She said "she just doesn't want to pass out every night." She still wants to drink. :rolleyes: So there isn't a darned thing you can do about it. She hasn't hit her bottom yet. Unfortunately, some peoples' bottoms are very deep. :o

And you were correct about what you could have said to her regarding her son. Of course she's enabling him. But misery loves company too. She might just have him as a drinking buddy at times. Who knows? She would HATE it if he quit and she didn't. :eek:

When she loses everything, gets arrested, loses her home, husband, money, etc., then she just might want to quit drinking ~ IF she lives that long. I don't want to tell you how many members of AA I've seen go back out, and then hear that they died. :( Lets hope shes not one of them.

Thanks for all your help in trying to get her to SEE. God bless. Hugs, Lee

Originally Posted by MelodyL (Post 680480)

Okay, I really need some help here.

My friend is a 59 year old woman who drinks 2 bottles of wine EVERY NIGHT until she passes out.

She hit bottom last night and I finally got her to admit to herself that SHE NEEDED TO GO TO AN IN-PATIENT FACILITY.

She agreed, she called up a place Called Endeavor and she told them her story and this is what she was told:

"That's ALL you drink"??? Have you ever been arrested for DUI? She said "no"

Do you have suicidal thoughts? She said "no"

Other questions were asked, and she answered honestly.

She was then told:

"you DO NOT QUALIFY for in-patient rehab". "go to AA"

She just phoned me, she doesn't want to do the out patient thing. She wants to get away from some people that are detrimental to her mental health and she wants to get clean and sober and do the 30 days. She does have insurance but this facility said "No, you do not qualify", "Go to AA"

So what else can she do?

Are there any in-patient facilities where she can go for the 30 days. She can pay whatever her insurance won't cover.

I cannot believe that she has come this far and she finds an in-patient facility near where she resides and they tell her 'YOU DON'T QUALIFY".

What if she went to her local hospital re-hab ward, and announced "I am tired of drinking myself to death, I need help".

Will they help her? Or does she actually need to have an DUI, or suicidal thoughts under her belt?

I'd appreciate ANY advice.

I told her just now "Go to AA" and she does not want to. I cannot do anything about this but I figured I'd ask you guys.

Thanks much

Melody

Originally Posted by julia4 (Post 738681)

If she still wants to go to rehab she should call her insurance company. Usually they will have specific facilities they have a contract with. She should understand though, that rehab is not "a place to get away". Its not a retreat, and it is very hard work. If she doesn't like AA, there are many other things she could look into(moderation management, Rational Recovery). You are a good friend to care so much, but the decisions have to be hers. Just continue to be supportive. Good luck

Originally Posted by dovecottage (Post 761814)

I wemt to my local hospital and told them I was drinking too muc which was leading me to having bad thoughts and severe anxiety. I went directly to the hospital re hab where I remained for 28 days. I received therapy both group and individual inaddition to attending AA meeting per day I have stayed sober and continoe to live a sober lifs. Good lucj.. Linda

Originally Posted by MelodyL (Post 685425)

I'd like to run something by you (and all the people here).

I'm asking these questions because I don't drink, never have, so I have no idea what is the correct behavior in situations like this

My friend has told me she has decided to quit. I have been supportive. It's been 5 days. She phoned me yesterday and explained:

"tomorrow will be the real test, I'm going out to dinner with my husband's family and later on we'll be going to someone's house where they have been fermenting cherries in vodka and they'll be all this drinking".

I said: 'People ferment cherries in vodka, what do they do when the cherries are ready?" She said: "Oh, this is a once a year thing, and we always get together and we "KNOCK THEM BACK".

Since I had idea what she was saying I made her fully explain.

They have shot glasses, and they are sitting around a table, knocking back these cherry vodka things and they, of course, have dips and chips and whatever on the table.

I then asked her "you've been to these occasions before and you've joined in"

She said 'are you kidding, I've knocked them back with the best of them".

I said (and this is where I don't know if I was right or wrong), I said "well, do you think this might be a trigger for you?"

She said" 'Going out with these people (who drink all night, but obviously can handle their liquor, well, I have to go to these occasions, I have no choice. Everybody drinks, but they can handle it"

I said: "Well you are going out to dinner first right, what you ordinarily drink at dinner?" She said 'oh, I can drink glasses of wine"

So I said "you've been sober for 5 days, do you know what gift you have given your liver?" She said 'I take in everything you tell me, I process it and I learn from it". She then said "I'm not saying I'm never going to have another drink, but I don't like passing out every night, I mean, what does it do for me"?

I said "don't tell ME this, tell YOURSELF this. It's all about you, and your choices.

Oh, by the way, she went to ONE AA meeting two weeks ago. She was at the bottom obviously and I told her "You need to go to AA, if you can't get into any rehab"

She went to ONE meeting, decided that it was not for her, and she won't go back.

I said "that's YOUR decision".

Now here's the next question I have for all of you.

Her son is an alcoholic. For many years. She would go there and she would drink her bottles of wine till she passed out, and he would drink his beer and god knows what else they drank.

But now, she's been sober for 5 days.

She told me last night. I have not drank anything for 5 days, but I went to my son's house, and we went shopping and he asked me to drive him to the liquor store as we were passing right by the store" She said: "I'm not drinking, but I can't stop you, you have to stop for yourself".

THEN WHY ON EARTH DID SHE AGREE TO DROP HIM OFF??

She waited, he got his stuff, and then she took him home.

Isn't this enabling? I have not brought this up to her because it leads to more talk about drinking, and I don't want to always be her EAR every single night, so I changed the subject.

But I just want to know. Was I supposed to say something to the effect:

"Listen, you have decided to do the best you can by stopping drinking wine every night, but you didn't do your son any favors by driving him to the liquor store, even though it was on his way home. If he wanted to drink, he could have gone out AFTER you drove him home"

This is what I wanted to say but I know that she would have said: "but we were passing it anyway"

As I type this, she is at the house where everyone is knocking back vodka shots full of fermented cherries. Hey, it's her decision, if they all gang up on her and they all say "Cmon, have some".

This CAN'T be healthy, right?? Even if it's the custom of their country, this CAN'T be a healthy thing to do. Knocking back cherry vodka shots??


We went over this scenario. I explained that every single time I went to a party, or a wedding or whatever, people were always trying to get me to drink, but because it was never MY thing, I never had a problem saying NO!!

But she's never been in this kind of a situation before.

So I compared it to what I'm presently going through when friends and neighbors try to get me to eat stuff with sugar. I used to be morbidly obese and ate myself to being diabetic. That was a long long time ago. I lost the weight, I grow my own food, I'm controlling my blood sugar and you couldn't get me to eat crap if my life depended on it.

So when I go somewhere and there's coffee and cake and brownies, and STUFF, and someone approaches me with a plate, I just say "no thank you", and when they push, and say "Oh come on, everyone cheats, have a piece, I just quietly say "no thanks, I'm a diabetic". That usually shuts them up, But not always.

You have NO IDEA how people like to sabotage other people and I do NOT understand this. I have one woman who says to me "Why can't you just eat one piece of cake, it won't kill you, it's only one piece".

Then she'll go on and on and tell me about her brother who got so sick he had no appetite so we better enjoy what we eat now because someday we might not be able to eat anything.

This is NOT my mind set so I don't feel the need to eat stuff that is not good for me.

Try explaining this to other people. They don't get it.

See, I just want to know if I said the right things to her.

Thanks much

Mel

Originally Posted by stevem53 (Post 763059)

This may sound kinda blunt, but Ive been sober in AA for 21 years

Your friend hasnt had enough yet

Originally Posted by MelodyL (Post 763068)

In her case, when is enough ENOUGH? I mean, she just had 85% of her stomach removed (in the weight loss surgery). She told me "you know I can't drink after having this surgery, this will force me to stay sober".

I thought about it and I came to the conclusion that an addict will try and find a way to do their addiction, and if a person has bariatric surgery and has to live on liquids for quite some time, WELL, WINE IS A LIQUID....RIGHT?

She lives in another state so I really don't know what's happening, but I really do think that unless one goes to AA and follows a program (no matter what that program is, one has to follow a program), well... all the surgery, and all the talking is not going to make one sober.

I wonder when enough will be enough for her

thanks much

Mel

Originally Posted by stevem53 (Post 763781)

"I wonder when enough will be enough for her"

Mel, I have often pondered the same, and in my journey through sobriety, and I have witnessed for some, that enough, is never enough

I lost a very close friend to this disease a month ago..We are the same age, 57, and have known each other since high school..We both became commercial fishermen, drank in the same bar, and near the end I was doing heroin with him..Booze was more my problem, and drugs were more my friend's problem..I got sober in 1989, my buddy got sober in 1993..I was his sponsor for 3 years..He was homeless untill he went into the Salvation Army program for 6 months, then his folks trusted him enough to take him in when he got out

I watched him put his life together..He got his drivers license back after 20 years without one..He sought out his ex-wife through a lawyer, to make arrangements to begin paying his back child support..$40,000..It took him about 13 years to pay it, but he paid back every last cent..I saw his two boys come back into his life..I was watching a miracle take place..The changes his recovery brought into our small town stuck out like a sore thumb..He was truly a power of example, and he helped others find their way to a sober life

Then a couple of years ago in his 15th year of sobriety, he got in a toxic relationship with a woman who was using, and he tried to "save her"..He went on the roller coaster ride with her, and one day he took a Percocet out of his sisters medicine cabinet, and popped it to deal with the anxiety, of this crazy relationship

This began the 2 year downward spiral that led to his death..I took him to detox, a 5 day dry out

He kept slipping and sliding, and about 10 months later he was found half naked stumbing around town, and was rushed to the hospital for a heroin overdose..He was in a coma on life support for four days..I went and visited him as soon as he was well enough to have visitors..He was slurring his speach and walking with a cane from brain damage..In his own words he told me..'I almost bought the farm"..He was in the hospital for about a month

You would think this would be enough to scare anyone back into recovery..I thought it was..But I was wrong

He was bankrupt, lost his apartment, and ended up sleeping on someones couch, because his family had had enough..Then he totaled his car and had no transportation, no money, no nothing..I talked him into going to an inpatient facility for depression, cuz I feared for his life at this point..He stayed for 6 weeks, got out and was doing a little bit better, but he had lost eveything, and couldnt emotionally get it back together..He would call me for rides twice, three times a week, to do laundry, food shopping etc..Sometimes food shopping was at the dollar store.........

What was frustrating was, here was a man who knew what to do, and how to do it though the 12 steps.....and he couldnt do it

I got a call a few weeks ago on a Sunday night, from one of my sponsee's, who was a mutual friend, and said.."John died this morning from an overdose"

The police, and the rescue squad came to the house...John was home alone, so that means he made the 911 call himself..But as quickly as they respond in our small town, they didnt get there in time

When it hits this close to home, it really puts the fatal nature of this disease into perspective..I cant believe how it took away a man who had come so far..But I watched it all happen, and no matter what I said or did, I was powerless to stop it

We often say, when someone passes on, in a cliche kind of a way, that so and so is in a better place..I witnesssed my friend John's relentless emotional pain of hopelessness and helplessness, that this disease inflicts upon its victims, and I can say with certainty, that my friend is definately in a better place today

But for the Grace of God go I, and many others

Steve

Originally Posted by MelodyL (Post 814700)

HI.

I don't know why I just found this reply from you. Glad I did. I posted a new question tonight. You might not know it but you helped me.

I cannot help my friend. She has to help herself. If she doesn't she will die. I think this is what I will tell here the next time she calls me and she's drunk and says she doesn't want to live anymore.

Thanks for helping me (even though it's been many months). And I apologize for not replying to this post.

Been going through lots of stuff with my son (who is a gambler) and who I haven't seen in 10 years).

Hope all is well at your end.

Melody

Originally Posted by ginnie (Post 922296)

Hi, and I hope that your friend can find some help. There are other options besides AA. AA does have a good reputation however, and she just might decide she likes it. Most communities have 'resource centers. This center may find some counceling for her to receive some private help. Ususally the payments work on a sliding scale, according to your income.
I have turned to this center myself a number of times, and found the direction I needed. Also the local hosptial in your area, may have an out patient program. I do wish your friend all the best. Ginnie

Originally Posted by MelodyL (Post 922311)

So little by little, I believe all we can do is try to help ourselves and if others seek our help, then of course we have to do what we can. But if one is determined to destroy themselves, well then, we have to do our best not to join them. It's not easy.

Originally Posted by MelodyL (Post 923533)

I have a question. When someone has so many problems (that are not going to away) and they go to the liquor store and buy the wine and get dead drunk and then the next day they call you and say "why should I not drink? WHY??" and we have HAD that conversation before and I usually respond 'Because you are on a road to nowhere and you are harming yourself" and they respond 'But I don't care" how does someone respond to "I don't care"


thanks much
Melody